Fear

“I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. 50 years I spent like that, finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine. What I came to realize is that fear — that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So, get up, get out in the real world and you kick that ba***** as hard you can right in the teeth.” - Walter White, Breaking Bad

OMG
This is so me.
Fear runs my life.
I am powerless in the face of it.
I have absolutely no belief in myself.
I keep looking for a way to be different.
Intellectually I know that I'm the only one who can change me, fix me, save me.
But I just can't seem to make it happen.

librarianintx

A Good Day

I really needed today.

A day where I could feel productive.
A day where I could do something different.
A day where I didn't have time to worry and obsess and feel like my life is a waste.
A day where I could feel proud of myself for following through and not letting myself or anyone else down.
A day where I pulled my own weight and hopefully showed that I am a reliable and dependable employee.
A day that I faced my self-doubt and powered through it.

Today was a successful day.
I accomplished my goals and had fun in the process.

#TXLA15
Texas Library Association Conference
Austin, TX

librarianintx

Katy Perry's Superbowl Performance

I know, I'm a week late. Better late than never, though. That's my motto. Anyway, I think she did a great job. 

The show was a spectacle, which has become a requirement for recent Superbowl halftime performances.

She sang live, which was very impressive, and for the most part she sang well. Her enthusiasm got the best of her a few times.

The show was quite family friendly, which was refreshing. Even when she had female dancers with her, their bikinis were 1950's style.

She sang some of her biggest hits. And if you're not a fan of her, maybe you enjoyed the brief inclusion of Lenny Kravitz,  or the longer segment with Missy Elliott.
I thought the dancing whales, beach balls, and trees were adorable.  And she began and ended with show-stopping moments: singing "Roar" while atop a mechanical, moving lion, and flying around the field on an incredibly narrow platform while belting out "Firework." That woman is fierce!

Good job, Katy!

Librarianintx

Vaccines

Here is my brief viewpoint on the debate:

I believe that in most cases, vaccines are safe.

Everyone SHOULD be vaccinated, unless you have an allergy or health condition that prevents you from taking the vaccine. For example, people who are allergic to eggs can't take the flu shot.

I do not believe that vaccines cause autism. I do not believe that vaccines contain harmful amounts of mercury. I do not believe that the inactive virus in the flu shot will give you the flu.

I think vaccines are a good thing. When you take a vaccine, you are protecting not only yourself, but also people you come into contact with. Relatives, friends, even strangers who may have health conditions that make them susceptible to complications if they get sick.

At the same time, I understand that there can be risk in taking a vaccine, just as there is some amount of risk in every activity in life. My mom worked with a lady whose young daughter developed a serious seizure disorder after getting vaccinated. So in rare cases, illness and disability can result from a vaccine. But in my opinion, rare events are not reason enough to avoid vaccines. The benefits of vaccinations far outweigh the risks.

I don't think vaccinations should be mandatory. But if a parent chooses not to vaccinate their child, they need to watch for any signs of illness, and keep their child at home if they get sick. This goes for adults too. I understand if an adult doesn't have access to sick leave at work, or a student is going for a perfect attendance record at school. But if you're sick, stay home. Don't give others what you have. And please practice good hygiene.

Librarianintx

A moment

That moment when you've delayed returning a call from a patron because you figure he's going to be angry about what you need to discuss with him...

And then you're on the phone with him...

And he is totally chill and understanding about everything...

Relief!
Happy day!
:-)

Librarianintx

Amazing Race finale

I'm not four for four. Adam and Bethany came in third on the Amazing Race. I'm sure they were disappointed. They came in first on several of the legs, and were very strong in the finale. But the final challenge was very difficult, and Bethany struggled.

As I expected though, they took third place in stride. They have every reason to hold their heads high and be proud of themselves. They ran a great race, they weren't dirty players, and they worked exceedingly well as a team. We never once saw them argue or get frustrated with each other. They encouraged each other and faced every challenge with enthusiasm and positivity. They were a joy to watch.

Thanks for a great season Team Surfers!

Survivor, and other reality tv season finales

I am very pleased with who won Survivor last night. I was rooting for either Natalie or Keith, but I really wanted Natalie to win. To be honest, I found her and her sister rather annoying when they competed on the Amazing Race, but I liked her on Survivor, and I definitely think she did more than enough to deserve the win. She gave up rewards to further herself in the game, she volunteered to go to Exile Island, she found an immunity idol, she won a few challenges and came close in others, and she made several huge moves at Tribal Councils: single-handedly flipping the game to get Alec out before Keith, working with others to get John out, and in the biggest move of the season, giving her immunity idol to Jacqui so they could get Baylor out. That was such a huge move, because it broke up the mother-daughter alliance, and I think she knew that if she could get Keith out after Baylor, then she would be left with Jacqui and Missy, and neither one of them had done enough to deserve the win. And that is exactly what happened. Natalie made the big, sometimes tough plays, and that's what you have to do to win Survivor. I admire Missy and Baylor for understanding that Natalie had to make that strategic move. I know they weren't happy about it, but they didn't hate her for it.

I know this is old news, but I didn't have a chance to blog about it until now. I am very happy with who won Dancing with the Stars as well. I was rooting for Alfonso and Whitney the whole season. They were so much fun to watch. Janel and Val was my second favorite team; I was disappointed that they ended up in fourth place. But they Top 4 teams were so strong this year, that I honestly would not have been that disappointed to see either Sadie or Bethany win as well. I am not a Duck Dynasty fan at all, but I think Sadie is a sweet girl and I am very impressed that she made it to runner up with absolutely no dance experience.

And going even further back, I was also happy with who won Big Brother this summer. Derek played a masterful game, right up there with some of the greats. I really wanted Donny to win, but I knew he wouldn't. I'm so glad he won fan favorite; I figured he would. Frankie was another favorite of mine early on, but he got too full of himself as the game went along. He was entertaining though, that's for sure. Derek definitely deserved the win. Overall this season was so much better than the previous summer; the contestants were so much more likeable - even Devin. Zach got on my nerves sometimes, but evidently many people liked him because he was in the running for fan favorite. I thought I would hate Caleb because of the pre-show press about him, but actually I liked him. I felt bad that he was blindsided so badly, and I also felt bad that Amber didn't have feelings for him. But in the end I am very happy that Derek won.

Now if Bethany and Adam win the Amazing Race tomorrow night, I will be four for four for the reality television year! I don't watch the Amazing Race every season like I do the other shows; I watched this season specifically because of Bethany. She rocks!! If only I could be as brave and strong and beautiful inside and out as she is. Fingers crossed for Team Surfers!

librarianintx

Fingernails

Actually, this post is about thumbnails. My two thumbnails. Odd subject for a blog post? Yes.

When you have a disability, compensation is a big part of your everyday life. My hands and neck are the weakest parts of my body, so without even noticing I accomplish certain tasks by compensating for my lack of hand strength. I use my thumbnails to put my necklace on, to do zippers, to open my case for my retainers, to punch pills out of a blister packet, etc. So now that both of my thumbnails have been torn off "at the quick" as my mom says, I don't have them available to me, and I'm not sure how long it will be before they grow back sufficiently to use again. A few weeks probably. I say "without even noticing" because until I started to put on my necklace in the morning and was having a lot of trouble fastening it, I suddenly realized, "Wow, I use my thumbnails to do this." I was able to get the necklace on, but it took longer than usual. Likewise with the zipper, retainer case, and pill packet.

Even though I have a disability, I am exceedingly fortunate that I can do just about everything for myself. I have trouble with opening bottles and jars, changing my bed, pushing a vacuum cleaner, taking heavy pans out of the oven, etc. But I can bathe, dress, feed myself. I can cook and wash dishes. I am pretty independent. I always, worry, however, what will happen if I can't use one of my arms. One is not strong or agile enough to do the work of both.

Several years ago one of my hands got caught in a CAT scan bed. I didn't break it, thank goodness, but it was badly bruised, and I didn't have the use of it for two or three days. So I found out quickly how more disabled I am when I only have the use of one hand. Suddenly I had great difficulty dressing, bathing, and making food for myself. Even going to the bathroom was difficult. I have a caregiver, but she only works for me nine hours per week. Friends and family said to me, "Just ask your caregiver to work more hours for a few days." But it doesn't work that way. Not the managed care that I have. She COULD work more hours for me, but she wouldn't get paid for it. I would have to hire someone else, or hire her, and pay out of my own pocket.

I made it through those few days. From what I remember, I ate mainly sandwiches that my caregiver prepared in advance, I wore pull-on sweatpants that made going to the bathroom easier, and I probably didn't wash my hair. I don't think I was able to work, if I was working at that time. I survived my bruised hand. I also survived being stung on my hands by a wasp a few years later. I am very fortunate that these incidences lasted only a day or two. My fear involves breaking an arm, hand, leg, or hip, which would result in weeks or maybe even months of increased dependence.

So I am grateful that I have only lost the use of my thumbnails, and this is a temporary situation that will resolve in a short period of time. I can still do the tasks that are usually accomplished with my thumbnails, I just have to take more time and have more patience. A tiny problem in comparison to what many people face on a daily basis.

If I had more resilience, though, I wouldn't have even thought to write a blog post about this.

librarianintx

President Obama's Address

I'm not going to discuss President Obama's plan on immigration. What I want to talk about is the television networks deciding not to carry his address to the nation.
I think that's wrong. And I would say that no matter who is president. A presidential address to the nation should always be carried by the four major networks. Obviously I watch a lot of tv shows, and I was just as excited as anyone to watch the mid-season finales of Grey's Anatomy,  Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. I didn't want the shows to start late, which meant I would get to bed late.

But I think the leader of our nation should always take precedence over entertainment. Always.

It might be hard to believe, but there are people in this country who do not have access to cable news stations. There are people who do not have Internet access at home. Many, many people cannot afford a smartphone with a CNN or yahoo app.

When I said this to my mom,  she replied, "Well, it will be in the newspaper tomorrow. " My response: "Newspapers aren't free. Unless you read them at the library. But if you're working two and three jobs to make ends meet, when are you going to have time to go the library?"

Like it or not, television is the best medium for disseminating information to the people of our nation. Some apartment complexes offer basic cable as part of the rent. Maybe that would include CNN,  maybe not. But it would definitely include the local ABC,  CBS,  FOX, and NBC affiliates. They should have carried President Obama's address to the nation.

Librarianintx

Survivor Blood v Water II

Wow, Julie took the coward's way out, didn't she? First she hoarded food, which is a big no no of course. She didn't apologize or try to explain herself. And then she just quit. She quit, even after she was told that people were willing to work with her, that they weren't planning to vote her out.

I think it shows that Julie wasn't interested in being a team player. She had to know how wrong hoarding food is in this game, but she wasn't willing to apologize or make amends to anyone. She didn't want to work with anyone.

So she cried to Jeff that she was homesick for her controversial boyfriend John Rocker. I have to say, Jeff was surprisingly easy on her. It kind of irritated me that he was so nice to her. I remember, I think it was one of the all-star seasons, when someone's mother was dying, and she wanted to go home. Jeff was such as tool to her, basically called her a quitter, and had all the contestants gather together to discuss their thoughts about her decision.

He made me so mad. Seeing her mother before she died was more important to her than a million dollars. Don't shame her for that. And quit wasting her valuable time. Let her get on the plane and get home to her mother. You can hold a discussion about it after she left if you felt you must, because you think you're king of the show. The contestant did make it home in time to say goodbye, thank goodness.

I wonder if Julie will be on the reunion show.

librarianintx

Another Dancing with the Stars note

The most disappointing contestant for me this season - Antonio Sabato Jr.  I feel bad saying that, because I know he's a good guy, and he really tried hard to learn the dances.

I just had high expectations for him. He's such a hot guy; I thought he and Cheryl would sex up the dance floor like she and Gilles Marini did.

But alas, such was not the case. They worked really hard, but Antonio never figured out how to use his hips. He almost figured it out on the salsa, but not quite. I still think he was better than Tommy Chong and Michael Waltrip, but as we fans know all too well, the worst are not always eliminated first.

So good try, Antonio. And don't worry, you are still all kinds of hot.

I also have to say again, I love Erin Andrews! She is far and away the best hostess the show has had. I enjoy the post-dance interviews now. And she and Tom are great together.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars

Nearly every season I hesitate about watching "Dancing with the Stars." Especially when it was on for two nights every week. It's such a big time commitment, and I already watch so much television. So I usually try to talk myself out of watching. "I don't know very many of the contestants. Maybe it won't be that good this season." But every season I watch it, and every season I so enjoy it. If there is one thing I wish I could do, I would want to dance.

This season there have been more bad contestants in my opinion, and a few of them are often pretty painful to watch, bless their hearts. There is a real gulf between the good and bad contestants that remain in the competition. The good ones are really great, and the bad ones...are just not going to improve. In my opinion, Lea is the only star that's somewhere in the middle. There is no doubt that she can dance, and she has had moments of greatness, but her nerves often get the best of her. Unfortunately the judges' comments haven't helped her comfort level. The one week where she looked the most relaxed and sexy, the judges told her she was trying to be someone else and she should be herself. Huh? Lea is sexy!

I think anyone in the top four - Alfonso, Janel, Sadie, and Bethany - have the capacity to take the Mirrorball trophy. There is a good chance it will come down to who executes the best freestyle in the finale. History would tell us that Derek and Bethany have the greatest odds in that case, followed by Mark and Sadie. Whitney has never choreographed a freestyle, and Val's freestyle with Zendaya a free years ago resulted in their second place finish.

It's a race to the finish, and I look forward to the next few weeks. I haven't voted yet, but I may start next week. I really like both Alfonso and Janel, so I may have to split my votes. I could vote on my land line for one and my mobile phone for the other.

librarianintx

The Time is Now

The time for resiliency is now.
The time for productivity is now.
The time to combat procrastination is now.
The time to combat fear is now.
The time for me to be happy is now.

librarianintx

Negative thinking

Negative thinking is probably my biggest obstacle. It pervades every aspect of my life. Now that I've realized this (shocking that it took me forty six years to do so!) maybe I can chip away it. Negative thinking keeps me from being the resilient, motivated, accomplished person that I want to be.

Yesterday I began what it is for me a pretty strenuous activity - sweeping the patio. I like to do it because it is a good form of exercise for me, and I like the feeling of satisfaction when the space looks nice and tidy.

Halfway through the sweeping, though, I noticed how negative my thoughts were as I was working. "You're doing a bad job today." "The patio isn't going to look as good as it has in the past." "I'm too tired today." "I feel weaker than usual." "Why am I bothering? I'm not going to be happy with the results."

What the heck? Why am I always so hard on myself? Why do I always set myself up to be at the least disappointed in myself, and at worst feel like a complete failure? So I worked on my thinking. I said to myself, "I'm doing the best I can." "I can do this." "I think it's going to look okay."

It was a fairly windy day, so I knew I would not get the patio devoid of leaves and dirt, and that should never be the goal anyway for an outdoor space. When I put the broom down and scooped the leaves and as much dirt as I could into a plastic bag, I surveyed the area. Not a bad job, I thought. I didn't reach every corner and crevice, but I never do. I think I did about as well as usual, and that is pretty good. The patio looked nice.
And I didn't give up.

Negative thinking can steal so much of the positivity available to you in life. If you have a critical voice in your head, and I suspect everyone does at times, silencing it can be a time-consuming and tiring task. But definitely necessary.

Overall, the weekend was quite productive. I accomplished almost everything on my list. I feel more organized, and that always makes me feel happier and calmer.

librarianintx

Blog about Mindfulness

Nine Ways Mindfulness Helped Me Deal With Chronic Illness

http://blog.healingwell.com/2012/02/9-ways-mindfulness-helped-me-heal-with.html

Mindfulness was not a term I was familiar with when I was diagnosed with chronic illness 17 years ago. Looking back, I wish I had known more about how to practice it in my life. It would have saved me a lot of worry, distress, and hopelessness. I've since learned that mindfulness is a set of skills for healing, intuition, insight, calmness, focus, resilience, and hope that you can use to counter the inevitable adversity of chronic illness.

Psychology Today defines mindfulness as:

"a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience."

Like so many of you, I've dealt with my share of disappointments, heartache, pain and tragedy, many of which have followed from being chronically ill. A few years after my diagnosis with chronic illness, I was rear ended in a car accident that left me with chronic pain in my head and neck (officially known as occipital neuralgia). It often left me with debilitating headaches that made even everyday tasks seem overwhelming. At the same time, my wife and I were expecting our first child in a few months and I was was trying to finish graduate school. The stress of chronic illness, injury, impending fatherhood, and my dim career prospects weighed heavily on me. I didn't think I could survive it. It was too much. I didn't bargain for this.

This was not in my life plan!

I soon found myself spending a lot of time involved in catastrophic thinking. I was caught in a self induced whirlwind of anxiety where I imagined irrational worst-case scenarios for just about everything. What if I end up permanently disabled? How can I be a good father if I'm always sick? What if my next treatment doesn't work and I get even worse? How can I even contemplate my career future if I can't even get through a day without blinding pain? This led to a state of fearfulness, anxiety, and depression where I constantly worried about the past and the future, sometimes simultaneously. I felt paralyzed. I was unable to find any hope for the future or move forward with any purpose.

Not much has changed in my physical symptoms since those days. I still have chronic head and neck pain after spinal surgery failed to resolve it. I still get migraine-like headaches that can feel at their worst as if the world is collapsing in on me. I still deal with the daily muscle pain and stiffness of Fibromyalgia and suffer from recurring painful "attacks" with Irritable Bowel Syndrome (which for years was misdiagnosed as Crohn's Disease).

But a LOT has changed for the BETTER in my life!

I'm now a father of 4 wonderful children. I have a satisfying career that has enabled me to develop professionally and support my family financially. I'm a lay leader in my local church with the opportunity to give rewarding service to others. I have a beautiful home and a loving wife. In short, I am blessed.

So what changed?

Mindfulness.

Practicing mindfulness is still a learning process for me. I'm by no means an expert. But over the years I've been fortunate to learn some of the basic skills of how to be more mindful. Here are 9 ways mindfulness has helped me heal with chronic illness and can help you too:

1. Be good to yourself, treat yourself with kindness and compassion.

2. Live life with awareness in the present moment.

3. Know yourself, don't let your illness define you.

4. Enjoy the beauty of things as they are, not as you wish they were.

5. Recognize and explore sources of healing, peace, spirituality, and calmness to develop your resilience for the hard times.

6. Seek healing by serving others around you.

7. Surround yourself with people that love, support, and inspire you, especially when facing adversity.

8. Let go of the life you had planned and accept the opportunities and hopefulness of the life that awaits you.

9. Be grateful.

It hasn't been easy. It's a rocky road sometimes. I still have moments of self pity, anxiety, depression, fear, and hopelessness. We all do. But I don't linger there long. The gratitude that mindfulness brings won't allow it!

Here are a few sites on mindfulness I hope you find helpful:
•Mindful.org - Living with Awareness and Compassion
•Tiny Buddha - Simple Wisdom for Complex Lives
•How To Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill
•Turning Straw Into Gold

End of blog article

This is a great article. I have only scratched the surface of trying mindfulness and meditation, but I'm already seeing a difference. When I start to worry / ruminate / obsess, if I say to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Right now everything is okay," I can short-circuit the anxiety loop. It still comes back, but I think the episodes are spacing out. I feel terribly sad that I have wasted so much time needlessly worrying and not enjoying the life I have been given. My catastrophizing skills are amazingly robust and creative. Life is so much better when you learn to put fear and self-loathing in a lock box and concentrate on being happy and appreciative. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it.

librarianintx

One More DWTS Note

Finally Dancing with the Stars has an entertaining female co-host! I have always enjoyed Tom, but none of the female co-hosts in my opinion could match him when it came to humor and personality. Thank goodness for Erin Andrews! This is the first season that I have actually enjoyed the post-perfomance chats. She is witty, charming, very comfortable with live television, and since she is a former contestant, she knows what both the professional dancers and the celebrities are going through. I hope the viewers enjoy her as much as I do, and that she is invited back next season. Good call, Dancing with the Stars! I am on Team Erin! And Team Tom too of course!

Librarianintx

Survivor - the Final Episode

Darn! Spencer didn't make it. I have very mixed emotions about the episode, and the reunion.

Did Tony deserve to win? I think he did. He definitely outplayed, outwitted, and outlasted his competitors. But its hard for me to support players who play the game as shady as Tony did. I do understand that Survivor is a game, and I realize that you have to lie and cheat at least a little in order to win. But it really bothers me when players swear on the lives of their loved ones, or on the graves of their deceased loved ones. Tony did all of that.

But once Spencer was eliminated, no one else was worthy of the title. I like Woo, and in my opinion, he was not a goat. He helped around camp. He worked hard to win challenges, although I think the only individual immunity he won was the final one. According to both him and Tony, Woo orchestrated Trish's exit, so he did have at least some game. And I appreciate his fighting spirit. He wanted to go to the end with the best that was left in the game, and that definitely wasn't Kass. But I figured he could have beaten her, and I was right.

What a class act Spencer is. A student of the game, a super fan to the core, his impassioned speech to the jury to vote for Tony was amazing. I wish Jeff would have polled them at the reunion to ask who, if anyone, changed their vote based on Spencer's plea. Maybe some of them wouldn't admit to it. But there sure was a lot of venom directed at Tony during that final tribal council, and yet Woo only got one vote for the win.

I am very disappointed that there was no fan favorite vote this season. Why? I think Spencer had an excellent shot at winning it. If he didn't win it, Trish might have. But I think it would have been Spencer.

Even thought it wasn't my favorite season, and I wasn't the biggest fan of Blood v Water either, I'll be watching in the fall. Bring it, Survivor!

Librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars - the Final Episode

America got it right! Meryl and Maks won the Mirrorball trophy. I'm so happy for Maks especially. He got the prize he's been working toward for more than a decade. And evidently, he got the girl too. They're very cute together. :-)

I liked parts of the two hour finale. I really liked Amber Riley's big production number. That was the highlight for me. I liked Arianna Grande too. But I didn't like the fact that so many of the performances were re-dos from the season. I like to see new stuff on the finale. And some of the contestants didn't get to perform. Granted, they were the ones that were eliminated early, like Diana Nyad and Billy Dee Williams. But sometimes the contestants that leave early come back in the finale with routines that are surprisingly entertaining. So that was a bit of a letdown.

But as always, it was a fun season. Thank you Dancing with the Stars! And congratulations Meryl and Maks!

Librarianintx

Suvivor Finale

I haven't been glued to my seat during Survivor this season...until last week. I think this is one of those seasons where two people really deserve to win, for different reasons.

Tony has dominated in the strategy department. He has been the leader of the majority alliance, and his alliance has stuck with him, surprisingly, considering that he has flipped on at least two occasions. Still, he has always returned to his core alliance of Kass, Trish, and Woo. For awhile it looked like Tony was going to follow in Cochran's footsteps and take two women to the finale who did not deserve to win. But then Trish was voted out. Still, there is no doubt that Tony will make it to the final three. He has the hidden immunity idol with the special powers. He's a lock. Right?

But Spencer also deserves to win in my opinion. He has had to scrap and scrape the entire game. He found a hidden immunity idol. He has won challenges, which Tony has not managed to do. Spencer has not been a mastermind. But he has survived against some very tough odds. I don't think anyone would have put their money on Spencer. Especially in the beginning, when the brain tribe was such a disaster.

Even though I haven't been super interested this season until now, I still love the show. But Jeff...mmmm. I'll stop there.

Librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars finale

In every season there is someone who doesn't belong in the top four. That's just the nature of reality shows. This season, I think it's Candace. However, I do think she has dancing ability. Her downfall is her nerves. She forgets moves and often looks quite scared during her performances.

In my opinion, Danica or Charlie belong in the top four more than Candace. But as I always say, reality shows are often more about popularity than talent. When you let the public vote, they are going to vote for who they like, not necessarily for who is the best. "The best" is obviously a very subjective term.

This season has a strong top four. James is quite good, especially with the latin dances. I expect his freestyle to have a lot of tricks. He is a strong partner. If no other week proved that Amy belongs in the finale, last week sure did. That quickstep was mind-blowing, and the jazz routine was great too. Her natural ability and Derek's amazing choreography have been a winning combination all season. Does she deserve to win the mirror ball? I would not be disappointed if she did. Of course I'm thrilled that a differently-abled dancer has made it this far in the competition. But we do have to remember that there are things she has not been able to do. Still, she has fulfilled the requirements of every dance she was given.

I do think Meryl is the strongest dancer this season, and she should win. And yes, it is time for Maks to win one as well. He deserves a mirror ball just for putting up with Julianne Hough and that Dance Mom judge. I'll stop there.

I haven't been voting, because I would be okay with Amy, James, or Meryl winning. I would have been okay with Danica and Charlie winning as well. But I think Meryl should win.

Librarianintx

N.H. Police Commissioner calls Obama the "N" word

http://news.yahoo.com/towns-white-police-official-calls-obama-n-word-204931723.html

I'm not going to copy and paste the article. Here's what happened. A resident overheard the police commissioner call President Obama the "N" word while he was at a restaurant. The town is small and predominately white. Residents are calling for his resignation, but he refuses to either resign or even apologize for his comments. The town manager says the Board of Selectmen do not have the authority to remove an elected official from office.

Here is the quote that spurred me to write this, uttered by a resident of the town:
"All this man did was express his displeasure with the man who's in office," Bader said."

Expressed his displeasure? By calling him a derogatory racial term? No. If you are displeased with someone, maybe you call him a jerk. You say you don't like how he's doing his job. You do not refer to someone's race, gender, sexual orientation, nation of origin, disability, and then claim that you're saying it because you're unhappy with the way someone is doing his job...or driving his car...or the condition of his house. When you bring things like race or sexual orientation into a conversation, it is discrimination. Pure and simple.

I had a discussion with a family member fairly recently about celebrity chef Paula Deen and her use of the "N" word. Paula claims that she uttered the word once, in reference to a man who held her at gunpoint during a bank robbery. My relative said, "If that had happened to me, I probably would have used that word too." I was speaking to a woman in her 70's, who had never appeared to be racist...until Obama was elected.

But I don't think I would do that. I just don't think I would. I would call him lots of names (not to his face of course), but not a derogatory term referring to his skin color. Because there are bank robbers of many different colors and nationalities. There are male and female bank robbers. I wouldn't dislike him because he was black. I would dislike him because he held a gun to me. Because he was a threat to my health, safety, and security.

Lots of people didn't like President George W. Bush when he was in office. Lots! And a lot of people didn't (and still don't) treat him with the respect that he deserves as a former president of the United States. I am guilty of that. But the level of disrespect and discrimination directed at President Obama has far exceeded that of President Bush, or any former president, in my opinion. The things people say out loud, the emails that have been sent, even the political cartoons have been outrageous. Some newspaper published a picture of President and Mrs. Obama with their faces altered to look baboons! Who would think it is okay to do that? The same people who refuse to apologize when they refer to the President as the "N" word. Because so many people believe that free speech should include the right to hate speech.

librarianintx

I love technology!

I am typing this post using my Samsung Galaxy S4 smartphone and my new wireless small keyboard. Now when I'm away from home, or just don't want to sit at my desktop computer, I can blog, send e-mails, etc, without having to use my phone keyboard. I do a fair amount of texting, but I am not proficient with an onscreen keyboard.

I love technology! Okay, I don't always love it. Sometimes it drives me crazy. But when I get something that makes my life easier, especially something that will help me be more creative and expressive, then I am super excited! Thank you to everyone who made this possible for me. You know who you are. Hopefully you'll see more blogs, goodreads reviews, and other writing because of this new technology.

Librarianintx

Knowing

The long wait for the families is finally over. These past few weeks of unanswered questions allowed hope, however minute, to persist in their hearts, and nourish possibilities in their minds. Where uncertainty exists, families can dream of holding their loved ones close again. The world can hold its collective breath and believe that a miracle could happen.

We now know there will be no homecomings. No joyous reunions. The passengers and crew of Malaysia Flight 370 are gone.

My brother - in - law travels internationally for work frequently. I can only imagine what it would be like to endure what the families have experienced these past few weeks.

There is solace in finally having answers. But we all wanted a different outcome. At one time or another, I think most of us allowed ourselves to indulge in the fantasy of a happy ending.

Librarianintx

quote from a book

"....He doesn't succeed, he doesn't triumph...unless success and triumph are measured in simple endurance, as they should be. He just remains...invincible."

from A Wilder Rose by Susan Wittig Albert

This really resonates with me. Success has been an ideal that I've struggled with my whole life. What is success? How do you define it? How do you quantify it?

I've never had any of my writing published. I've never worked as a paid writer. A few years ago, my niece had two poems published in a national anthology of writings by high school students. She didn't get paid, but her writing was submitted and accepted by a panel of people who pronounced it worthy of publication. When my mother called to give me the exciting news, she actually said to me, "Isn't it great? (Niece's name) has become the writer you never were."

The writer you never were. At the age of forty-something, my mother declared any hope of me ever becoming a *successful* writer officially over. Not gonna happen. No way. The torch has not been passed; it has been passed over. I had my shot, at some point, and I failed. Evidently.

Am I a failure as a writer? If you define success as being published in a book that other people read, then yes, I am a failure as a writer. Of course, she doesn't know that at least someone, at least a few someones, ARE reading my words. But its through cyberspace, not in a bound volume. She doesn't know about my blog.

I choose to define failure as a writer when I let my fear of writing stop me. When I let procrastination and rumination and mental and physical fatigue impede me from picking up my journal, or sitting down at the computer. Writing isn't easy for me. The thoughts don't flow as freely as I want them to. At least not usually. But writing is a muscle. It needs to be exercised. And even though it's not an easy process for me, I still have a yearning to write. And I feel happy when I push through the uncertainty and the discomfort, and I do it. I write. I create. I express.

I think most people want to succeed at something in life. Some people have more drive and determination than others. Some people know exactly what they want to do with their lives and they make it happen, while others are less focused. But everyone wants to be good at something. Everyone wants to be recognized for their talents and abilities.

I so enjoy watching the Olympics. The events are so exciting, the competition can be thrilling. What I don't like, however, is the disappointment faced by so many of the athletes. The mathematics are simple. Only a select number of them will win gold medals. Does that mean everyone else is a failure? I don't think so, but unfortunately it's the nature of competition that someone wins, and someone, usually more than one person, loses. I feel so bad when I hear an athlete say that they're brokenhearted when they won a silver, or a bronze, medal. Actually, it makes me frustrated sometimes. Of course you want to win the top prize. But out of all those other competitors, you came in second! Or third! Or even fourth. That is still something to be proud of! You did your best, right? You tried as hard as you could? You finished, probably. You completed the task you were given. So you succeeded. You just weren't quite as fast, or had just a little less flair. Michelle Kwan, one of the greatest ice skaters ever, won a silver and then a bronze medal. When she won the silver, people were consoling her because she didn't win the gold. Her reply? "I didn't LOSE the gold; I WON the silver." That's what I'm talking about!

But what about all those athletes that never even make it to the Olympics? What about all the writers that are never published? What about all the people that are working three jobs to make ends meet, so they never have a chance to play professional basketball or become an actor or compose a song that wins a Grammy? How do you measure success?

I think the only way you can determine success is to define it for yourself. Easy to say, very hard to do. Because we let others take those measurements for us. We let others pronounce us successes or failures.

Sounds cheesy I know, but I think success is about happiness. If you're basically happy with your life, then I think you are a success. At least that's what I think success should be about. Accomplishments are important, no doubt. Working toward goals and making them a reality are what we're on this earth to do. To leave a legacy to future generations. And still, even if all someone can do sometimes is simply exist, simply endure, isn't that still a triumph? Shouldn't it be? Everyone is here for a reason. Every single person will be remembered by someone.

I don't have to be a paid writer or a published writer to be a successful writer. I am a successful writer when I read what I have composed, and I am content with the result. I am successful when I am happy.

librarianintx

excerpt from "The Long Journey to Becoming '10% Happier'"

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/nightline-fix-abc-news/long-journey-becoming-10-percent-happier-143145889.html?vp=1

by Dan Harris

"...Meditation is a tool for taming the voice in your head. You know the voice I'm talking about. It's what has us constantly ruminating on the past or projecting into the future. It prods us to incessantly check our email, lurch over to the fridge when we're not hungry, and lose our temper when it's not in our best interest.

To be clear, meditation won't magically solve all of your problems. I still do dumb things -- just ask my wife -- but meditation is often effective kryptonite against the kind of epic mindlessness that produced my televised panic attack. When friends and colleagues ask (usually with barely hidden skepticism) why I meditate, I often say, "It makes me 10% happier."

This not-insubstantial return on investment has made me something of an unlikely evangelist for meditation. Self-help gurus are constantly telling us that we can get anything we want through the "power of positive thinking." This is an unrealistic and potentially damaging message, I think. By contrast, meditation is a doable, realistic, scientifically researched way to get significantly happier, calmer, and nicer. If meditation could be stripped of the syrupy, saccharine language with which it's too often presented, it might be appealing to millions of smart, skeptical people who may never otherwise consider it. So I've written a book, called "10% Happier," in which I attempt to do just that."

end of article

From the very few times that I've attempted to meditate, I can tell that its a good thing. It really can help. So why am I not doing it? Why do I get to the end of the day and think, "Oh, I didn't meditate again." Why do I do stupid stuff like checking Facebook and the local news apps multiple times per day instead of more productive activities that might make me feel better? Why do I sabotage myself?

librarianintx

Twelve Indispensable Mindful Living Tools

http://zenhabits.net/toolset

1) Meditation

2) Be awake - in the present

3) Watch urges - don't act on them

4) Watch ideals - let them go

5) Accept people and life as they are - stop trying to change people or fight against a certain situation

6) Let go of expectations - we cause our pain through expectations

7) Become okay with discomfort - learn to try new things

8) Watch your resistance - it's what makes you uncomfortable, makes you give up

9) Be curious - don't let fear of failure stop you

10) Be grateful

11) Let go of control - We can't control life, but we think we can, and that causes stress.

12) Be compassionate - to others and to yourself

librarianintx

Life

I understand that what scares me in life is the often sudden occurrences, anything from a thunderstorm gathering strength to anger exploding from a usual calm environment, from a debilitating illness to an accident in the blink of an eye, or a phone call transmitting the tragic news that a loved one has left us. I can use hand sanitizer and wash my hands multiple times a day, but the germs decide who to invade and who to spare. I can have contingency strategies so I'm never alone in a storm, but I cannot plan for the storm that gathers fuel from a cloudless sky and Texas heat. I can hold my dear ones close and treasure every moment with them, but nothing I do will change when their time on earth is complete.

My fears are about the swiftness of life events, and my complete lack of control over them. Of course I have some control over my life. But I can't stop a car crash from happening, or keep someone from falling and hurting themselves, or cure a devastating illness. I don't have that kind of power, and I never will.

Worry is the most useless activity known to man. Laying on a bed and doing nothing is still more productive than worry. Worry solves nothing and won't change anything. You can't worry so diligently and so earnestly that you will be able to change what happens in life. Worry steals your imagination, your creativity, your physical and emotional health, your time on this earth to be productive, successful, and happy. Worry is poisonous. And worry is addictive.

At this point in my life I'm not looking for a cure for my worry. Sometimes worry can be like a stubborn grass fire. You can stomp and kick dirt on it, but the flames only grow more intense. I have found a treatment, however. You don't need a prescription for it, and you don't buy it over the counter. The treatment is called mindfulness. Living in the moment. I have come to the realization that as I move through my day, my mind spends way too much time either reliving the past and experiencing guilt, or ruminating about the future and experiencing fear or concern. When I take the time to notice this, I literally say "stop" out loud (when possible), and then I say, "Stay in the moment. Right now, everything is fine."

Mindfulness works. But like a muscle in the body, it needs to be exercised regularly. I'm hoping that over time, mindfulness will make the worry less of an issue in my life.

The only certainty in life is the unpredictability of our existence. I have to learn to accept that, abide by it, and enjoy my life in the face of that.

librarianintx

"Brave" lyrics

Songwriters: BAREILLES, SARA / ANTONOFF, JACK

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you.

End of song

I just wanna see me be brave.

librarianintx

Google Hangout on Dealing with Anxiety

I don't know how long the video will be available, but here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mJNOZas32E

Here are some highlights:

Many of us have bodies that are hardwired for anxiety.

new term - "Meta-stressing"

vast variety of ways that anxiety can manifest itself - cognitive, physical, and nervous systems can all be affected

think about what you enjoy to quell anxiety

People have various views on medication to treat anxiety. Medication can be an important part of the process. But be wary of dependence, abuse, side effects, withdrawal, and masking of symptoms. Also try to avoid self-medicating with alcohol or other drugs like pot.

Anxiety is actually a universal emotion. We all need some anxiety in our lives to remain safe. But we don't want it to take over our lives.

Getting diagnosed can be scary. There can be a fear of being labeled. There can be shame, stigma, being known as "the anxious girl (or guy)." Telling friends and family can be difficult. There is fear that they won't understand, will ridicule you, will abandon you. There can be a stigma of vulnerability, especially with men.

Helpful techniques:
Play with something - snap a bracelet, juggle a small ball
breathing techniques
try to visualize your anxiety as something small and insignificant
CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy
meditation - mindfulness - live in the moment
get enough sleep
get enough exercise
find an outlet - something you enjoy - music, writing, exercise

You worry about the future; you feel regret about the past - mindfulness keeps you in the present

"We are gifted catastrophizers"
Imagine your worst case "what if" - would it really be that bad? Might be embarassing, but life would go on.

My thoughts:

First of all, the quote "We are gifted catastrophizers" is the quote of the day! I am such a pro at that, unfortunately. It is such a hard habit to break. But I'm working on it through mindfulness. Every time a "what if" pops into my head, I try to say to myself, "Live in the moment. Be present in the now. This is not happening, and it may never happen. Relax."

This was my first Google Hangout, and I'm glad we had a snow day so I could watch it live. I had some technical problems, but I was able to watch all of it. Sometimes I don't want to hear other people talk about their anxiety and phobias, because I don't want to find anything else to worry about. My plate is plentiful, thank you. But I'm learning that if I hear or read about the experiences of the others, I can glean helpful techniques from them without developing their fears and worries.

Two authors that have written books about their experiences with anxiety were part of the Hangout:
1) Monkey Mind: A Memoir of Anxiety by Daniel Smith

2) My Age of Anxiety: Fear, Hope, Dread, and the Search for Peace of Mind by Scott Stossel

Finally, in the Amazon notes for one of these books, there was the question, "Does anxiety motivate us or cripple us?" For some people, anxiety can be a powerful and successful motivator. When Amber Riley won Dancing with the Stars, she said, in part, "...if something scares me, then I want to do it." I remember hearing an interview with someone else, I think it was an athlete, saying something about how much they like that feeling of anxiety. "I'm disappointed when I don't feel that way," I think I remember them saying. What I do remember about the quote is me saying to myself, "Wow, what a concept! Someone actually WANTS to feel this way?" It was shocking to me. They say the mind is a powerful, awesome force. If I could find a way to harness my anxiety and use it to propel me instead of inhibit me, what all could I accomplish in my life?

Could I do it? Could I actually learn to make anxiety my bitch?
Second quote of the day! :-)

librarianintx

10 Things the World Can Learn from People with Disabilities

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tiffiny-carlson/lessonspeople-with-disabilities-_b_4577337.html

by Tiffiny Carlson

No matter the type of person, there are lessons to be learned from them. People with disabilities are especially influential, as our hardships in life aren't easily forgotten. We go through every day with determination and strength, which many people are bowled over by, with many secretly wondering if they could do the same thing.

People with a disabilities learn so much throughout their lives; life lessons that able-bodied people rarely get to experience.

Having a disability is definitely difficult, but it's also one of the richest classrooms a human can experience, too. While these learning experiences are more profound experienced directly, there are some special tokens of wisdom we can pass along.

1) True happiness is really possible in a "broken" body.
Most say they would rather die than live with a disability, which makes me laugh. That's because most able-bodied people can't imagine being happy if their body was ever permanently broken. But the truth is that the human brain is very adept at transitioning into someone with a disability, if you let it, that is.

I thought I would never be happy again. But a few years after becoming paralyzed, I was happy. I found happiness through simply being alive, and through family and friends. I still wish I could walk again, but true happiness resides in me.

2) Patience can get you through almost anything.
You're told as a little kid how important patience is and as an adult you come to see how true this really is. But when you have a disability, the patience required is at a whole new level. Very often we have to wait longer for all types of things and over time we become masters at honing in on it. Patience has even helped me emotionally get over my physical inabilities in certain occasions.

3) Accidents can and will happen.
When you hear about people becoming disabled through an accident, you always think it could never happen to you, and you almost look at it like a TV show or movie -- something that could never be your reality. But the cold-hard truth is that accidents that cause disabilities happen every day, and they could likely happen to you or someone you know. The realness of this possibility is tangible in all lives, but when you have a disability you're just a bit more aware of it.

4) Disability can happen to anyone.
Maybe no congenital disabilities run your family, but say your first baby had cerebral palsy. It's shocking suddenly finding yourself in the camp of either being disabled or the family member of one. The wisdom here is to never forget we are all imperfect physical beings, and to never think you're exempt. We will all die one day and we're all human.

5) Don't sweat the little things.
Since having a disability can be rather stressful -- broken wheelchairs, health insurance cuts, caregivers suddenly quitting -- we learn early on to not let our stress levels get too high. If we did, none of us would make it past 40. We are confronted with crazy things all the time, so we learn to prioritize what is really worth freaking out over. That is why so many of us seem so zen-like. The movie is sold out? The restaurant has a two-hour wait? No biggie. It could always be worse.

6) Being different is an opportunity.
Most people don't like being different or standing out. You have the outgoing Venice Beach type people of the world, but generally most people don't want to be noticed. However, it's not as bad as you'd think. In fact, when you live the life as someone who's different, you learn right away it has its cool moments. You get to meet amazing people and get in on special opportunities. When you're vanilla, no one notices.

7) Fitting in is overrated.
When you have a disability, you pretty much have a free-for-all card to be exactly who you want to be since fitting in with the "in" crowd is impossible anyways and embracing this can be one of the most freeing feelings ever. You don't need to fit in to feel good about yourself or to think you "belong." You belong to yourself, we know this. And that feeling is amazing.

8) You can't judge a person by their looks.
You hear it all the time, don't judge a book by its cover. From Stephen Hawking, a man in a wheelchair who can't speak and is one of the smartest people in the world to Francesco Clark, a quadriplegic and CEO of a huge beauty product company, don't ever think a disability is equitable to someone who is not impressive or successful. You never know what someone with a disability is capable of.

9) Life is short. Embrace everything.
Having a disability can also, unfortunately, have an impact on your lifespan. For many of us, living to 95 isn't probably going to happen, which is why most people with disabilities have figured out the secret to life -- enjoy each day as if it were our last. We all try to do this in our own way, but many of us fail. People with disabilities however, have gotten it down to an art form, from enjoying the sun rays to a warm cup of coffee, we know how hard life can be so we know how to embrace the good things when they present themselves.

10) Weakness isn't always a negative
Just like the notion "it takes a village," being weak or disabled isn't necessarily a negative thing. When living with a disability, you learn to be OK with receiving help, and over time, many of us realize that we all need help in our own way, even athletes and the President of United States. It's unavoidable and part of the human experience.

There's no getting around it, having a disability is certainly a difficult ticket in life, but the life lessons to be had without question make it a near VIP experience. And hey, the free parking is a nice perk, too.

End of article

I really like this article. I agree with every point. There isn't anything that I disagree with. Well written, and on point. Having a disability is difficult, and I'm not going to say that cliched phrase, "I'm a better person for it, and if I had the opportunity to not be disabled, I'd take it." If I had that opportunity, I think I WOULD take it, because my disability and health conditions can lead to serious complications. I know some of my acquaintances with disabilities don't like this article. I think its because the author makes living with a disability sound too easy. She sounds very mentally healthy, and great for her if she really is this "put together." I know I'm not. While cognitively I understand that all these points are true, and I'd like to be able to live my life by them, I'm just not there. I DO sweat the small stuff, unfortunately. I still want to fit in. I'm not patient, especially with myself. I'm a work in progress. As I think most of us are.

librarianintx

Finding time to exercise

Received this in an email at work:

Nine ways to exercise ... when you don't have the time:
http://www.ers.state.tx.us/News/Articles/Nine-ways-to-exercise/

Tips for fitting in fitness
•Wake up a little earlier. Start by setting your alarm clock just five minutes earlier. Do stretches and jumping jacks before getting in the shower, or follow a short exercise DVD.
•Find a workout buddy. Exercising with a friend is more fun than working out alone and a good motivator. Ask a coworker to go for a walk during lunch or see if a neighbor wants to shoot hoops.
•Change into exercise clothes before leaving work. You'll be ready for a short walk as soon as you get home.
•Schedule your fitness activities. If you put exercise on your calendar like other appointments, you're more likely to do it.
•Acknowledge your successes. Keep a log of all the times you make a healthy choice to move more, such as by taking the stairs instead of an elevator. After the first week, reward yourself with a new pair of sneakers or a cool new water bottle.
•Create a home (or desk) gym. If you have equipment always at the ready, it will be easy to steal five minutes to use it. A jump rope, a stability ball, exercise bands, and dumbbells don't cost much or take up much room.
•Move while you watch TV. Don't sit idly--or worse, snack--while watching TV. Do sit-ups or jog in place instead, even if only during commercials.
•Play games with your kids. Don't just keep an eye on your kids when they play outside--join in their fun! Play tag or Duck Duck Goose, or just toss a ball back and forth. If your kids love video games, think about swapping their current console for one that encourages movement, like Wii or Xbox One. The whole family will break a sweat using special controllers to compete at boxing, tennis, golf, and bowling.
•Exercise while you work. Raise your activity level and productivity with neck rolls or arm raises (push hands out to the side and then up toward the ceiling). Or do a few modified push-ups on the edge of your desk.

Stepping it up
After you've built short periods of activity into your day, think about times when you could lengthen each burst by a few minutes. The key is to start small and ramp up gradually.

Even if you're worn out from a busy day, try to make time for fitness. Regular exercise actually boosts your energy level. Exercise, along with restricting calories, is also important for shedding pounds and maintaining a healthy weight.

Next time you look for an excuse to skip exercise, remind yourself of the benefits. You're helping yourself feel good, look better, and live longer. Who wouldn't want that?

End of article

I actually do one of these! Not consistently of course, but I've started "working out" while watching television. Sometimes during the show, but more usually during the commercials, I'll move around, jog a little, exercise my arms. Ten minutes is my goal for now. Sometimes I do the balance exercises that I was given three or four months ago.

I've considered bringing clothes with me to work and changing at the apartment complex office so I can use their fitness equipment without walking into my apartment first, but that hasn't happened yet. Does it count that I have at least THOUGHT about doing it? :)

librarianintx

Article on holistic ways to combat pain

"Holistic Ways to Fight Pain, and Win"

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/10/health/secrets-pain-free-life/index.html?hpt=hp_bn13
by Summer Suleiman

...

"Inflammation is the root cause of many illnesses, according to Dr. Reza Ghorbani, medical director of the Advanced Pain Medicine Institute and author of "Secrets to a Pain Free Life." Cardiovascular disease, Alzheimer's, arthritis and several digestive disorders have all been linked to chronic inflammation.

Inflammation is a natural part of your immune system; it occurs when the body is fighting against harm or infection. However, chronic inflammation hurts the body instead of healing it because the immune system is essentially attacking healthy cells, according to the National Institutes of Health.

In his book, Ghorbani outlines several methods for treating inflammation.

"I've seen a trend among patients looking for alternative and natural treatment," Ghorbani says. "I think a lot of consumers, whether it's in pain treatment, the food they eat, or what they provide for their family, the trend is to look for something that is safer."

Meditation may improve heart health

Fit Nation learns to eat healthy

Sleep apps a warning sign This year, for the first time ever at the annual American Society of Regional Anesthesia and Pain (ASRA) conference, experts held a half-day session dedicated to alternative treatments for chronic pain. Physicians are slowly beginning to recognize the importance of looking at pain holistically, says Dr. Asokumar Buvanendran, a board-certified pain management specialist and professor in the Department of Anesthesiology at Rush University Medical Center.

"There are a lot of remedies that are available outside of the traditional means of treating patients," Buvanendran says.

It's not all about herbs and acupuncture. An overall healthy lifestyle, including eating healthy foods and getting the proper amount of exercise, plays a big role in managing chronic pain, experts say.

I was intrigued by the stories I found about the potential healing properties of food and the mind. Skeptical, I started integrating the things I learned into my daily life.

Nearly two years after my diagnosis, my health has been transformed. Each person's experience is different, but these holistic remedies have helped me achieve a better quality of life.

First, find the right doctor

If you are living with pain, and feel that you haven't received the proper treatment, don't give up. Ask your family, friends, and colleagues for recommendations.

"I think patients need to understand that there are alternatives to what doctors normally prescribe for pain treatment," says Ghorbani. "Don't just take the doctor's word for it -- do your homework, too."

I spent most of my life looking before I found the right doctor. Keep searching until you find a doctor you feel comfortable with -- someone who can help you get the treatment you want.

Get adequate sleep

Getting the proper amount of sleep helps the body fight inflammation, pain and disease. A 2009 study published in the medical journal Sleep found people who get less than six hours of sleep, or have disrupted sleep, have higher levels of C-reactive protein in the body, which causes inflammation.

As a journalist working rotating shifts, I was not getting proper sleep and my health suffered because of it. After I was diagnosed, I made adjustments to my lifestyle to allow for enough sleep. I feel healthier and stronger when I have slept sufficiently.

Meditate

Research has shown the many health benefits of meditation. Studies suggest meditation can reduce blood pressure, inflammation, pain response and stress hormone levels, all while increasing concentration and improving sleep. One study funded by the National Institute of Health showed mindful meditation can help with pain regulation through cognitive and emotional control.

I began meditating shortly after I was diagnosed in January 2012. It has been a significant part of my recovery and improved health. There are various websites, books, and guided meditations available online. It can be as simple as taking 10 minutes a day to sit in stillness.

Managing stress is a significant part of healthy living. When stress goes unmanaged, it causes inflammation in the body. In a study done at Ohio State University, researchers showed that people who dwelled on stressful events in their lives, had higher levels of C-reactive protein. Meditation is a helpful tool to help manage stress, and it is available to everyone.

Eat foods that feed you

What you eat has a direct impact on how you feel. According to a study published in Psychosomatic Medicine, women who eat a diet high in red and processed meats, sweets, desserts and refined grains (foods known to promote inflammation) have higher levels of C-reactive protein than those who ate a diet full of fruit, vegetables, legumes, fish, poultry and whole grains.

I've incorporated many natural anti-inflammatory foods into my diet, including ginger, turmeric and cinnamon. I eat fruits and vegetables that are powerful anti-inflammatories such as pomegranates, blueberries and blackberries.

I also do my best to eliminate foods that are inflammatory, such as sugar, one of the biggest culprits. I can feel the difference because of these changes. There is an abundant source of books available on the topic. "The Encyclopedia of Healing Foods" and "Secrets to a Pain Free Life" are a good place to start. You can take control of your pain, and your life, by eating right.

"No one should accept pain as a normal part of their life," Ghorbani says.

Don't neglect your brain

Both Buvanendran and Ghorbani believe another big part of treating chronic pain is addressing the psychological impact it has on patients.

"The physiology of pain is really connected to the emotional part of it," Ghorbani says. "It really can exaggerate when you get upset, anxious and depressed, and (in turn) increase your pain level."

Buvanendran says mental health professionals can help patients navigate the emotional terrain of managing chronic pain.

"Patients are sometimes reluctant to see a therapist, but once they see them, they find the benefits to be extraordinary."

Oftentimes loved ones may not fully comprehend the emotional toll that chronic pain can take on you. A therapist can offer the support and guidance that you may need to help you cope with chronic pain.

Your insurance company may provide coverage for a mental health specialist. Do your research and use all the resources available to you.

I found a therapist who specialized in patients with chronic illnesses. She helped me realize that I needed to accept my illness, something I hadn't been able to do, before I could really begin the healing process. I was struggling with the loss of my health, and she helped me to understand that it was OK to feel that way.

Once we were able to work through that, I was able to find gratitude in my new life, and begin to move forward."

End of article

Luckily, I don't suffer from a lot of pain. But as my osteoporosis advances, and other effects of aging take hold, I know my pain levels will increase. Osteoporosis is not due to inflammation, so maybe these ideas won't help. But I think the advice offered in this article would benefit my overall health, not just improve any pain that I have.

I am already trying to institute some of these changes. Unfortunately, I struggle a lot with motivation and keeping to a schedule. For these lifestyle changes to work, you really need to keep up with them on a daily basis. I have to find a way to increase my motivation and decrease my tendency to procrastinate.

Two of the habits outlined in this article that I've been trying to do:

1) meditate
I have a free app on my phone. I also have a book about mindfulness. The app has 10 levels on it. I am at level one, where you are supposed to meditate for 3 minutes a day. I did well with it when I was on vacation. Since I've been back to work, I haven't meditated at all. C'mon! It's only 3 minutes a day!

2) cut down on sugar
My usual daily snack is 3 - 5 cookies per day, or a cupcake or brownies. Plus I often eat a fruit bar, sometimes a granola bar, or a small piece of chocolate. That's a lot of sugar! And I eat white rice, white potatoes, I drink gatorade and apple juice, etc. Everyone tells me not to worry about it, because I'm so thin and need to gain weight. But that much sugar isn't good for anyone, thin or not thin. I'm taking baby steps in this direction, but at least I'm trying to change. Instead of the refined sugar in the cookies and brownies, etc, I'm eating chocolate cheerios for my afternoon snack. I didn't even know they existed! They have more than enough chocolate to satisfy my sweet tooth, and they are a source of whole grain. I'm keeping myself down to one glass of gatorade per day, and trying to drink water and milk the rest of the time. Unfortunately, I do not like brown rice, but I'm trying to mix white and brown when I eat rice. And on some days I'm substituting sweet potatoes for white ones. I eat wheat or rye bread, but I don't eat the better-for-you multi-grain bread.

Am I noticing a difference in how I feel? Do I have more energy and feel more healthy? Unfortunately, no. But I'm not expecting to. I have only just started making these changes. And I'm not being consistent yet. Motivation and consistency - I need both of these if I'm going to be successful in whatever I'm trying to achieve.

librarianintx

Kat Kinsman article on battle with anxiety

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/08/living/anxiety-coping/

This is a long article, and a great one, about what it feels like to battle anxiety on a daily basis. Here are the paragraphs that resonated the most with me:

""You're so useless. You let down the people you love. Everyone who's been stupid enough to love you will regret it when they realize how weak you are." It goes on and on until my body just shuts down for a couple of hours."

"Anxiety hurts. It's the precise inverse of joy and blots out pleasure at its whim, leaving a dull, faded outline of the happiness that was supposed to happen. It's also as sneaky as hell."

"What am I afraid will happen? There's no easy answer to that. Anxiety is not easily explicable or rational -- at least not to those who don't suffer from it -- and that only compounds the problem."

"But Generalized Anxiety Disorder (300.02 in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders and the single most common mental health diagnosis) is more nebulous than that. It's free-floating fear that metastasizes until it's all-consuming and often debilitating. For me, it's physically painful, from stomach, head and muscle aches to exhaustion from chronic insomnia to raw thumb skin that I've picked at until it bled -- and kept picking some more."

"It's deeply alienating to friends who assume that I didn't come to their party, show up at their event or call to explain because I didn't care enough or didn't love them anymore. It's perhaps even more humiliating to explain that I was too terrified to leave my house and interact with people in person where they could see what a drab, value-free mess of a person I am and that they'd made a mistake for ever liking me in the first place."

"Anti-anxiety medications work beautifully for millions of people. The withdrawal from a particularly wicked one nearly ended me, and the brain zaps (those are sharp, horrifying electrical currents you can physically feel inside your head) and metabolic sluggishness increasingly outweighed any benefits while I was on it. Perhaps I will change my mind someday, but for now that's not an option."

"I'm sick to death of feeling ashamed for this illness, am just plain worn out from the physical fight and angry that I've let it thieve so much life and time with my loved ones."

So I posted a good chunk of the article. Thank you, Kat Kinsman, for posting it, and for your bravery in sharing your struggle with the world. I've shared bits and pieces of my fight on this blog. Writing about it, talking about it, is hard, because you feel embarrassed. You think everyone is in control all the time, but they're really not. You don't want to look weak, or crazy, or both. And you think if people know, they will be looking at you all the time, waiting for you to have an attack. They will either shy away from you because they are uncomfortable, or they will become overprotective. But I have come to realize two important concepts: 1) People can rarely tell when you're having an attack, even people who are emotionally close to you, and 2) People are busy with their own lives. They care about you, they worry about you, but they also have their own lives to lead. They have better things to do (usually!) than stand or sit around, waiting for you to have an attack.

And two more important concepts, even more important than the first two:
1) An attack always goes away. ALWAYS. Some are worse than others, some last longer than others, but they always come to an end. Often if I can focus on something - a book, a game, a puzzle, a television show - I don't even realize until later that the attack has come and gone. Its often very hard to tell yourself that when its happening, but I think its helpful to remind yourself of that when its not happening. Sometimes when I'm concentrating on something, I'll stop for a minute and say to myself, "Oh wow, I was having a hard time like an hour ago, and now I'm fine. Cool."

2) Try to live in the moment. This has been a revelation for me. I realized that my ruminations are worries about what COULD happen. And yes, it is within the realm of possibility that someone I love could die in a car accident, or I could accidentally burn down my apartment, or I could fall and break a hip, or any number of calamities. But they haven't happened YET. And there is a good chance they won't. At least not today. Learn to live in the moment. Right now, at this moment, everything is okay. And that is all the information I need. Worrying about what might happen is pointless. The future is out of my control, at least for stuff like that. Live in the moment, and revel in the fact that in this moment, you are okay, and life is good. Learning to live in the moment has the power to increase joy and decrease worry I think. Whenever a rumination pops into my head now, I try to say to myself, "Stay in the moment. Stop worrying about the future. This has not happened, and hopefully never will. Live for today."

More to come.
librarianintx

So You Think You Can Dance

I know I'm weeks late in posting this, but better late than never, right?

My picks for top 4 all made it! Hooray for Aaron, Amy, Fik-shun, and Jasmine!

Of course I'm glad that Fik-shun won. He's been my favorite guy the entire season. But I have to admit that I do feel a bit unsettled that he won. Other non-trained male dancers have won, of course. I'm talking about Joshua and Russell. But I do think they were stronger overall dancers. Especially Joshua. But we have to keep in mind what the judges and Cat tell us all the time: SYTYCD is about finding America's FAVORITE dancer, not America's BEST dancer. So if you remember that, then I definitely think that Fik-shun was the right choice.

For sure this season no one was criticized more than Fik-shun. Blu-Print and Curtis were also criticized a lot, but they were eliminated earlier in the competition. The girls were rarely found fault with this season. I felt bad for Fik-shun. Several times during the critiques for his performances with Amy or an all star, Nigel in particular would go back to the group number to pick him apart. "You were the only one who wasn't..." he would needle. I didn't think that was fair. But I do understand that criticism can make you better at your craft, and definitely Fik-shun did grow during his time on the show. He took in all the negativity with that mega-watt smile on his face, and those eyes full of joy, and he just kept dancing. I am thrilled for him. He without a doubt made the season for me.

Aaron should feel SO proud of himself. He went from not even on the show to top 4! And the first tapper to do so! He also has a great personality; I loved his and Fik-shun's routine. Paul is a great dancer, and I was shocked that he didn't make top 4. He was very popular. I just didn't connect with him on a personality level.

I love both Amy and Jasmine. I can't choose between them. I'm thrilled for Amy and sad for Jasmine. I admit that when the season started I didn't have high expectations for Jasmine. I thought she would go out early and that her biggest draw was that she was Cyrus' ex-girlfriend. Boy, did she prove me wrong! Jasmine is amazing! She has the best legs ever on SYTYCD. And she went for it on every routine. I wish both she and Amy could have won. I think what put Amy over the top were her routines with Travis and Robert. They were both beyond stunning.

Overall, I thought this season was good, but not great. For me, I don't think this cast is going to be remembered like other seasons. Many of the dancers were very strong, especially the girls, but not very memorable unfortunately. If you put Amy, Jenna, Haley, Makenzie, Alexis, and Brittany in a row, I don't think I could tell you who was who. Especially Haley and Makenzie. Great dancers they are, but are we going to be talking about them like we still talk about Allison and Heidi and Katherine and Melanie? Many of the routines were wonderful, but would they make any top 10 lists?

I'll list my top 5 most memorable / favorite routines of the season, in no particular order, off the top of my head:
Jasmine and Alan's "blindfold" routine
Amy and Fik-shun's bellhop routine
Amy and Fik-shun's waitress routine
Jenna and Mark K.'s routine
Tucker and Robert's brother routine
And I have to also mention Comfort's reptile walk. I can't say I loved the routine, but her reptile walk was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen on this show. How did she do that?!?! That girl is mad talented! :)

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Week 2

Latin Week! I love Latin Week! Overall I thought it was a pretty good show, but I did think some of the judges scores were a little generous. Here are my top 4, in order:

1) Corbin and Karina
Great routine! The high school sports theme really stood out among all the sequins and flash of the other costumes and set designs. Corbin is definitely the strongest of the guys, and he is in it to win it. He is a very strong contender for the title.

2) Elizabeth and Val
Wow, that was a fast samba! Elizabeth really kept up with Val. I liked her red dress and she looked great in it, but I thought she was a little covered up for a samba. I thought at some point Val might rip the skirt off or something. :)

3) Amber and Derek
A super cute routine. I do agree with Bruno though - that was much more lindy hop than a jive. Her outfit and shoes definitely read lindy hop. They had great energy, and I enjoyed it.

4) Brant and Peta
They made my best list for one thing really - their chemistry. That was quite a sexy routine. I didn't think Brant did all that much in the dance, but he did smolder, so...it worked for me! :)

librarinaintx

Big Brother Finale

Andy won the final HOH...blah

Andy and GinaMarie were the final two...blah

Andy won...blah

Elissa won the viewer vote...meh. Judd and Howard were also in the running...cool.

Julie's dress...thumbs up!

Quote of the show:
"Did I say anything Julie?" Spencer, referring to how controversial the season was. The members of the jury and the final two at that point had no idea how much the nation was talking about them.

Julie's reply: "We don't have enough time."

What a difference a day makes.

Until next summer, BB'ers.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Week 1

It was a good show! I was pleasantly surprised. I like the new format. It flows better. Still a little too much time with Brooke. But overall, I'm happy.

Although I think the women are much stronger than the men this season, Corbin has a good chance of winning. That contemporary routine was amazing. One thing you have to say about Karina...she will put herself in danger to make the routine exciting. It was beautiful, passionate, and definitely exciting.

And then we have to talk about Miss Riley. Girl kicked that cha cha's ASS!! I'm a huge Glee fan of course, so it was so much fun to see so many cast members in the audience - Chris, Kevin, Ashley, Jenna, Diana - Harry was supposed to be there too, but I didn't see him. To say they were enthusiastic is an understatement. And Chris was there with his boyfriend. SO cute! Okay, back to Amber. It was a fantastic routine. She is going to be fun to watch this season.

To round out my top three - Snookie, of all people! People like Elizabeth and Christina might have been technically better, but I really enjoyed Snookie's dance. She got a song where she could shake what her momma gave her, and she did. :) Like Carrie Ann said, I like people who go for it, and she went for it.

Pretty much every season I say, "Well, I may not watch this season. I don't care about most of the cast, and I'm already watching too many shows." And then I watch the first episode...and I'm hooked.

Here we go again! :)

librarianintx

Big Brother Season 15

The last night of Big Brother for 2013. What a controversial season it has been. Honestly, I don't care who wins. I don't care for anyone in the final three. I actually grew to dislike pretty much everyone this season. I think Judd has a good shot at the fan favorite vote, and I'm okay with that. I like Judd.

I don't agree that the exterminators were the ones who got Aaryn out of the house. They are pretty full of themselves if they think that. Amanda was still in the house at that point. Amanda called the shots until the day she got kicked out. Nice try, exterminators.

I think GinaMarie became a more likeable person when all of the girls were out of the house. I think she is one of those girls who doesn't get along well with other girls. I could ALMOST root for her...until I remember how she treated Candice. How she and Aaryn treated Candice. GinaMarie can be as much of a bully as Amanda. So I can't root for GinaMarie.

Hard to know how the jury will vote. If Andy makes it to the final two, will they reward him or punish him for backstabbing several of them? It appears that a few in the jury think he's a good player. I think he was lucky. He rode on McCranda's coattails for most of the summer. He calls himself an exterminator. I call him an informant. It's a fancy synonym for tattletale.

Enjoy the show BB'ers!

librarianintx

Diana Nyad

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/sports/july-dec13/nyad_09-03.html

"Diana Nyad Says Record-Setting Swim Was About Being 'Fully Engaged' in Life"

Quote from article:
"And I wanted to swim this endeavor not to just be the athletic record. I wanted it to be a lesson for my life that says, be fully engaged. Be so awake and alert and alive every minute of every waking day, because that's where I had to be for these fortunately years to get this done."

My thoughts:

The fifth time was the charm for Diana Nyad. Five times she has attempted to swim from Cuba to the Florida Keys. Four times she has been unsuccessful. During those four attempts she suffered jellyfish attacks, asthma attacks, shoulder pain, lightening storms, and currents that pushed her far off course.

Diana Nyad is perseverance personified. Each failed attempt gave her the information she needed to ultimately achieve success. Diana didn't let anything stop her from reaching her goal. She didn't let her age prevent her. She didn't let the naysayers deter her. She didn't let the jellyfish stings, the persistent vomiting, the weakness from the vomiting, the sores caused by the jellyfish mask...none of it caused her to give up this time. She pushed through all of it, and she finished that swim.

To be honest, I don't understand why someone would spend so many years trying to do something like this. Why anyone would put her body through such torment, and risk not only her life, but the lives of her crew as well. But while I don't comprehend the why, I still can applaud and appreciate the effort, the determination, the "never give up" attitude. When you think you can't do something, when you're convinced that what you're attempting is just too difficult, think of Diana Nyad.

And then try again.

"You're never too old to chase your dreams" Diana Nyad

librarianintx

Big Brother Season 15 9-5-13

Wow...a busy night of BB!!

But first, I have to go back to last week for a second. Aaryn....please do not insinuate that you speak for an entire state. Texas might still be a red state, but not all of its inhabitants are racist and homophobic. Your wide-eyed, innocent, "Southerners say those things" bullshit was both laughable and hugely insulting. Hope you have fun looking for a new job.

And now on to tonight. Thank goodness Amanda is finally gone! But what was with Elissa trying to save her at the last minute? What a terrible move on her part. All of her effort went for naught, as Andy flipped yet again, which forced GinaMarie to break the tie. Amanda absolutely tormented Elissa, but somehow Elissa thought that aligning herself with the power couple of the house would get her farther in the game? *shakes head*

Of the people left, I'm definitely rooting for Judd. He's a good guy that hasn't tried to hurt anyone. GinaMarie is a bully. Andy is a tattletale. Spencer is anti-Semitic. I think McCrae is actually a good guy as well, and I wouldn't mind if he won, except knowing that the money would really go to Amanda.

Go Judd!

librarianintx

Adventure

Yesterday my oldest niece left her home for a semester abroad. She will be based in one country, but because everything is so close in Europe, she will have the opportunity to visit multiple countries during her three plus months there.

This is an outstanding opportunity for her, and I know she will make every moment count. Luckily this girl takes after her father. He is a do-er, an adventurer. He has travelled all over the world with his job: UAE, Algeria, Singapore, Shanghai, Buenos Aires, Rome, just to name a few. My niece is not infected with the worry gene that plagues her mother's side of the family. Or if she has it, she has been able to control it. Her mother has learned over the years, in large part because of her husband I think, to have more control over this. She has been able to fly with my brother-in-law to Rome and to Buenos Aires, and to go with the family to Hawaii. They also took a cruise once. She didn't love the cruise, but she did it.

Someone asked me the other day if I was jealous of my niece. Not jealous, but envious, yes. I am a history nut, and to have the opportunity to visit Europe, especially England and Ireland, would be beyond amazing. But I don't see it ever happening. Money is of course the main obstacle. Physical health is a problem as well. But even if I somehow had the money to go, and someone to help with the physical aspects of travel, would I? If I'm being honest, I would have to say no. Because the anxiety would be too overwhelming. Too many fears. Fear of flying. Fear of flying over water. Fear of terrorism. Fear of any other number of things. Fear of fear. The list would be long. The physical and mental toll would be so exhausting.

I do still have hope that one day I will be able to get more of a handle on all of this. I have to keep hoping. But in another way I am kind of resigned to it. I've always been this way, and I probably always will be. It's never going to completely go away. I'm trying to just learn to live with it. Try to relax and not let it upset me. Getting mad and frustrated only makes it worse. Be kind to myself. Undertand that it's not my fault, and I'm doing the best I can. Surround myself with people who like me for who I am and are kind to me when I'm anxious, scared, and weird about certain things.

I don't think I'm ever going to see the world in person. But I can see the world through books. On the Internet. And in the pictures and stories of my healthy, brave, strong, intelligent, talented adventurer. She will see the world, and then she will share her knowledge, her experiences, and her memories with me.

librarianintx

Big Brother 8-29-13

Spencer could potentially be the swing vote tonight. I feel certain that Judd and GinaMarie will vote to evict Andy. And if Amanda and McCrae figure out that Aaryn and Elissa were starting to work together, then they will vote to keep Andy. I really don't know how Spencer will vote. He has been wanting to work with Aaryn. Hopefully Aaron and Elissa can convince him to evict Andy.

Wait, did I just say that? Did I just write that I want Andy to go home over Aaryn? It's just because I want Amanda out so bad. I'm not rooting for Aaryn. I know Andy said he won't be loyal to McCranda anymore, but sorry, I'm not interested in what Andy says. He's not a key player in this game to me.

Amanda has become one of the most unlikeable people to play Big Brother. She's a huge bully, but then when she feels threatened she turns on the waterworks and becomes the biggest whiner. Aarghh! Please, fellow houseguests, please find a way to get her out next week. She is making the show painful to watch.

Unfortunately, because of football, Big Brother won't be on until after midnight. Sucks! I won't know until Friday afternoon what happens. I like the show, but not enough to get up an hour early to watch it. This means I'll have to stay off Twitter so I don't get spoiled. Facebook should be safe.

librarianintx

Big Brother 15

What was going to be my prediction / strategy analysis for tonight's episode will now be a rant against posting spoilers online. People, please. I'm getting old. My memory isn't what it used to be. Usually I save the last few episodes on my DVR so I can refer back to them if necessary when writing a blog post. I've even taken notes - about who won HOH, who was nominated for eviction, blah blah. But I just went to look up one piece of information - and found out EVERYTHING that happened tonight - on wikipedia! COME ON! If you're going to post spoilers, fine, but do it in such a way that people can avoid them if they want to. I found out who won POV, and if that changed the nominations. It was in a grid with all the other information from this season. All I'm asking is that information NOT be posted until after the episode airs. Some people don't want to be spoiled. Some people want to make predictions and analyze the situation first. Our predictions may or not be stupid...but let us make them first!! Let us have our fun, let us use our brains a little, even if it is just for a silly television show. Geez! :-(

librarianintx

Big Brother

I'm sorry I haven't blogged in a few weeks.

I'm still enjoying the season. But I don't have a favorite. Not even close. In fact, until Judd came back into the house, I didn't like anyone. Elissa is okay, but she can get on my nerves. I'm a girlie girl, but Elissa is beyond a girlie girl. I sort of like McCrae, but unfortunately the fact that he is with Amanda keeps me from liking him as much as I would otherwise. I do appreciate the fact that he tries to keep her in line. But Amanda is so unbearable, so unlikable, that some of it rubs off on McCrae for me. I don't have any hope that their relationship will survive outside the house. For McCrae's sake, I hope it doesn't. It would be okay with me if McCrae wins, as long as he dumps Amanda in the process.

I do like Judd. Out of the four jurors, I was definitely rooting for either him or Jessie to make it back into the house.

After Amanda, my most disliked houseguest is...not who you would expect I imagine. That "honor" goes to...Andy! Andy is a tattletale. That is the only game he has. All he does is run to "McCranda" when anyone tells him anything. Why does he trust them so much? They are a couple. The best he's going to be able to do is third or fourth place, unless he can win HOH. Why is he settling for that? If he could help get Amanda out, he would be more on an even playing field I think. There would be no Queen Bee if Amanda was gone. Maybe Aaryn would take her crown, but I tend to think that having to be the evictioner (is that a word?) for Helen and Amanda has made her squeamish about doing the same thing to someone else. Aaryn definitely is in it to win it, but I don't think she wants to be a puppetmaster.

So we'll see what happens. Maybe Elissa can backdoor Amanda. If she doesn't go this week, I think it will probably be McCranda as the final two. *Shudder* I'm having an Amber / Boston Rob "Survivor" flashback.

librarianintx