Listening skills

I think listening skills are something that most of us could improve upon. I viewed an excellent webinar yesterday about the topic. Here are my notes. The link to the archived version of the webinar is included at the end of the notes. I will make an effort to use the information I learned in future conversations.

librarianintx

Look At Me When I’m Talking to You

Thursday June 22, 2017

There’s a difference between listening and hearing

Listening – responding to and evaluating

Hearing – perceiving

70% of our waking moments are spent in communicating

Listening is 45%

But we only remember 20 – 50% of what we hear

People find it very hard to concentrate for more than 15 – 20 minutes without a break

Quiz

My score showed that I am an ok listener, but could use improvement

Mind Tools

www.mindtools.com

Common to have problems with focus and patience when listening

Irritating listening habits:

Interrupting

Not looking at speaker

Rushing the speaker

Showing interest in something else (phone, television, clock, other people, etc)

Finishing speaker’s thoughts

Not responding to speaker’s requests

Topping the speaker’s story

Forgetting what was talked about previously

You need to be completely present for a conversation

Barriers to listening:

Filtering

Making assumptions

Giving unsolicited advice

Offering hasty reassurance

Being judgmental or critical

Being defensive or arguing

Failing to understand cultural differences

Empathy for the person talking is key

How do you show you’re listening?

Vocal affirmations

Eye contact

Positive body signs

Repeating what the speaker said

But unfortunately most of these can be faked!

Remove distractions:

Clocks

Phones

Tablets

Books

Televisions

Your own thoughts and biases

Sometimes eye contact can be uncomfortable

Don’t stare

You can look at their forehead instead of directly at their eyes

Positive body language:

Nodding

Leaning in

Uncrossing your arms

Looking relaxed and unrushed

Tilt your head

Uncrossed legs if sitting

Smile or empathetic face, no creased, frustrated face

Vocal affirmations:

Yes

Yeah

I see

Mmmm

Uh-huh

Avoid talking

Stay silent

Just listen

You could be moralizing, judging, interpreting, and making the conversation about you

Don’t interrupt

Wait for a natural break or pause in the conversation

Interrupting is not acceptable, but so many of us do it

Interrupting means: What I have to say is more important or relevant

Don’t formulate a response before the person has finished speaking

Paraphrasing is good – restating – making sure you understood what the speaker is saying

Embrace your pauses

Asking a question is the best way to indicate that are truly listening

Asking questions forces you to actively listen

Asking questions will show that you are empathetic

Ask questions that are:

Open-ended

Begin with “what,” not “why”

Vertical

Use words like “how” and “tell me about…”

“Why” questions are the “kiss of death” – they sound judgmental, accusatory, put people on the defensive

Vertical questions are based on what the speaker says

Vertical questions show your curiosity, interest

Vertical questions help you learn more about the speaker

View the archive of this webinar at:

http://cslinsession.cvlsites.org/category/past/

Being Grateful

Yesterday I got some blood test results back, and the news wasn't great. My carbon dioxide levels are elevated again, which may or may not explain the fatigue and headaches that I'm experiencing. Luckily there are measures my doctor can try to lower it again, although he's taking a "wait and see" approach at the moment. Part of me is relieved that there might be a physical explanation for the way I've been feeling, but another part of me is frustrated because I use the nighttime ventilation EVERY night, no exceptions, and that is supposed to keep the CO2 levels within normal range. But I have to remember that our bodies change, and what worked for a long time isn't necessarily going to work forever.

When I was feeling a little upset about the results, I was on Facebook, and discovered that an acquaintance with the same condition I have is in the hospital with a collapsed lung. I don't know her well, and I've never met her, but I do know she has struggled much more with our shared disability than I have. I felt bad for her, and at the same time grateful and relieved for myself. I might be struggling a bit lately, but I'm still keeping up with my normal routine.
I'm making it to work.
I'm taking care of myself.
I'm not in the hospital.
I have much to be thankful for.

Chronic conditions are very challenging to deal with. Fatigue, pain, and other symptoms can make life a daily struggle. But focusing on the positive and emphasizing gratefulness can definitely help.

librarianintx

"Dare to be Kind"

Last night I went to Lizzie Velasquez's book signing. For those of you who don't know her, Lizzie became the victim of cyberbullying a few years ago when someone responding to one of her YouTube videos dubbed her "The Ugliest Woman in the World." Lizzie has an extremely rare genetic condition that was only diagnosed very recently. Instead of wallowing in pity, Lizzie turned pain into triumph, becoming a motivational speaker and accomplished author. Dare to be Kind is her fourth book. To learn more about Lizzie, visit her new web site at www.lizzievelasquezofficial.com

I arrived at the bookstore only about fifteen minutes before the event due to transportation difficulties. As I walked in, I hastily scanned the front of the store, looking for Lizzie's book, which was released the day of the signing. Usually the books are stacked near the registers, but I didn't see them. So I got in line for the check-out, figuring they were behind the registers and I just needed to request one.

A woman ahead of me in line was holding a copy, so I asked her where she found it. She pointed to the Information Desk near the front of the store. I asked the guy directly in front of me if he would hold my place in line, and he said sure.

In the approximately thirty seconds I needed to scoot out of line and secure a book, another woman came into the check-out line. When I slid back into line ahead of her, she had a problem with that. "I was here first," she said, or something to that effect. I quickly explained that I had left the line just to get a book. Her tone was of course not the nicest. She was upset. She felt she had been wronged. It could have been worse. She could have yelled at me, or called a manager over or something. But then she saw what book I had in my grasp, and she chuckled. She was there for the signing. too. In a matter of seconds, two reservation clerks called out at practically the same time, "Next in line!" and we both stepped up to a register. Crisis averted.

Dare to be Kind.

It's human nature. Misunderstandings are going to happen. Feelings are going to get hurt. People are going to feel slighted. Unfortunately, there are rude people who cut in line and feel justified. I am not one of those people. But she didn't know that. And maybe I was in the wrong. I left the line; perhaps I should have moved to the back. Luckily in the grand scheme of things this was the most minor of incidents. We both paid for our books in time to make it upstairs for the talk and signing. Presumably we both got our books signed and had the pleasure to meet this most poised, inspirational young lady.

All's well that ends well.

librarianintx

"Born This Way" on A&E

Here's a rundown of my favorite "storylines" from this excellent reality show about a group of young people with Down Syndrome and their families, and the storylines I'm not so happy with.

The positives:

1) Cristina has now become the first young person on the show to move into her own apartment. It will be in a supportive living type of housing unit with mentors who live onsite and will be available to assist her. That is very important, because there is still much of the day to day living that Cristina struggles with, especially handling money. But she and her fiance Angel have been taking independent living classes to learn how to do things like cook and clean and manage finances. I'll say it  now and likely repeat myself, I am so impressed and pleased with all the programs that are available to educate and empower people with developmental disabilities in this part of California. I absolutely adore all of the parents on the show, how supportive and encouraging and patient they are with their children. This is such a vital step for Cristina to take, and I'm so proud of her for being brave enough to attempt this.

2) Elena is asserting her independence as well, taking a step toward financial independence by learning to work as a coffee barista. She is being trained by an organization that teaches individuals with developmental disabilities a trade and then assists them with finding employment. Again, that is huge. There might be agencies that provides training, but don't help with the job search as well. Elena is trying hard to overcome her shyness and the often turbulent mood swings that plagued her last season. She wants to succeed, and so far she is listening to her mentor and taking direction well. Elena is much happier and more outgoing than she was last season.

3) A very interesting topic that arose in this past week's episode was Sean's admission of hearing loss and subsequent decision to have surgery, something similar to a cochlear implant. Sean's parents told the audience that Sean is in charge of all his medical decisions. He chose the implant rather than a hearing aid, but when it came time to do the prep work for the procedure, including inserting the IV, Sean became agitated and almost canceled the surgery. He changed his mind and went ahead with the surgery after speaking with his doctor off camera. But during the operation, his parents discussed the idea of obtaining guardianship over Sean, specifically for medical decisions. They worried that one day he would need serious, possibly emergency surgery, and perhaps he would allow fear, indecision, and/or inability to understand the situation at hand to make a decision that would be the safest for him. This is a very difficult decision, but I'm confident that they will involve Sean in the process and hopefully achieve an outcome that is in Sean's best interest.

4) Rachel has said that this is her year of "Yes!" I think every season has been Rachel's year of yes, as she learns to conquer her fears and insecurities. This season she has announced that her dream is to become an actress. Her uber-supportive and positive parents have started the ball rolling by taking Rachel to see an agent and getting her head shots. I think this is all fantastic, but the best part about it is how both her parents and the agent are encouraging Rachel while at the same making sure she understands that the entertainment business is a tough one and success is not guaranteed. Rachel is a little older than her peers, and the roles for someone like her will be few and competitive. Basically they told her, "Go for it, and we'll do all we can to help you, we believe in you, but don't quit your day job."

5) Some people on social media are complaining about the inclusion of Rocco and his family, but I'm not one of them. I adore Rocco's parents; they are as supportive and encouraging as all the other parents. I think it's important to show the journey of a child who is just beginning the process that young people with Down Syndrome face - navigating the school system, medical care, the road to eventual independence, etc. The other parents are a great resource for Rocco's parents, and the young people will be a positive influence on Rocco as time goes on. I'm very pleased with the addition of this family to the show.

The negatives:

1) Don't get me wrong. I think Steven and Megan are absolutely adorable together! Their budding romantic relationship is so sweet! I loved their first date on the cruise, and their first kiss on the merry-go-round was the cutest thing ever! The problem is, Megan is moving WAY too fast for Steven. Megan is Steven's first girlfriend. I have no doubt that he has real feelings for her. But he is still finding his way in a relationship. Megan, on the other hand, doesn't want or need a boyfriend. She wants a husband, and a father for the baby she desperately desires. Megan is already planning the wedding and the honeymoon. Her mother needs to slow her down, or this will end in disaster quickly. I don't want to see the whole group in turmoil if Steven and Megan suffer an ugly break-up.

2) Megan's mother Kris, in my opinion, needs to stop making everything about herself and her lack of a romantic relationship. Her constant "Poor me, I'm single" routine is causing Megan, Elena, and Sean to campaign for a man for her, which is leading to highly embarrassing situations. Megan and Elena tried to find Kris a boyfriend in a pet shop. Sean tried to pick up high schools boys on a golf course for her. Is she exactly to blame for the young people acting this way? No, but I think she needs to focus on her lack of a man less and work on keeping her daughter from going to far with her man. I also think she and Steven's parents need to lay off a little on the jokes. That third date at Megan's house was so uncomfortable for everyone in the beginning. I think it was perfectly fine for Steven's parents to come in for a drink, but it needed to be quick, and then just let Megan and Steven get on with their date. Kris didn't have to announce several times that she was going off to her room - alone.

3) Where is John's storyline this season? I know he was featured prominently last season, but this season so far he's become more of a supporting "character." We need more John this season!

Regardless of the few negatives, "Born This Way" is still one of my favorite shows. I think it will be another great season.

librarianintx