Weather phobia

May 2015 was one of the wettest months ever in Texas. The good news is that all the rain ended the drought for most of the state, and replenished some of the lakes. But with the rain came severe weather, including some tornadoes. Overall I feel like I made at least a little progress in learning to manage my weather phobia. I won't say overcome, because I doubt I will ever totally conquer this fear. I still cannot deal with being my myself during a severe storm. But I was able to recognize my phobic tendencies and work on effective strategies to keep them under better control.

I know that my triggers are darkness and wind, plus knowing when a threat exists. Although I still checked the weather obsessively, I'm beginning to understand that forecasts and percentages are simply possibilities of what might happen. I figured out that the bright colors and strong language that meteorologists use to denote severe weather definitely plays into my fear. I have both a phobia and a fascination with bad weather. Even when my area is not under the gun, I find myself sometimes tuning in to the weather channel to watch the coverage of a tornado outbreak happening elsewhere. So I told myself this season that in order to work on controlling the phobia, I have to give up the fascination.

When a storm came up this spring, I learned to recognize my panic symptoms - fight or flight response, racing heart, headache, upset stomach - and I remembered to breathe, and tell myself that I was in a safe place and everything was going to be fine. I rarely feel protected no matter where I am, so I continually reminded myself that I was in a sturdy structure, and I had never been in a situation where the roof blew off or the windows shattered, and that probably would not happen this time either. If my area was under a tornado or severe thunderstorm watch, I tried to keep busy and not obsess about what might happen. Organizing, cleaning, and cooking were the activities I was most successful with, because they didn't take as much concentration as reading or watching a show, and I could move around and expend some of the nervous energy that the phobia generates.

My phobia is by no means eradicated. But I feel like I at least made some baby strides in learning to live with the fear more effectively. Fear of the weather can have a big effect on my emotional and physical well-being. It can affect my social life, and how I feel about myself. Constant worrying and dread can be exhausting, and cause physical pain as well. Always hoping that someone will rescue me from being alone during a storm makes me feel dependent and unstable. I want to be able to save myself during a storm. I want to be my own anchor. I'm not there yet, and maybe I never will be. But I'm still trying.

librarianintx   

Rachel Dolezal article

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/17/us/washington-rachel-dolezal-naacp/index.html

Ezra Dolezal would love to see his sister, Rachel, take a DNA test to prove whose version of the truth about her racial identity is the right one.

But he doesn't think she will.

Rachel Dolezal has gone from a Spokane, Washington, activist to the focus of a highly charged national debate in recent days, after reports surfaced that she was born white yet has claimed she is black. Amid the controversy, she resigned Monday as head of her local NAACP chapter and, a day later, spoke out extensively for the first time in an interview with NBC.

And she didn't back down when it comes how she sees herself, even after her parents shared childhood photos of a young Rachel Dolezal -- her pale complexion and straight blond hair in contrast to the woman with darker skin and dark curly hair who appeared on NBC. 

For the family, one comment stung especially hard. "I haven't had a DNA test," Dolezal said. "There's been no biological proof that Larry and Ruthanne are my biological parents."

Larry and Ruthanne are the Montana couple who helped drive this story, telling reporters that Rachel is their estranged daughter. Ezra Dolezal is black and adopted, one of four such children taken in by the Dolezals -- unlike Rachel, his older sister by 15 years, he says.

"I guarantee that she is not going to take a DNA test to prove that (Larry and Ruthanne Dolezal) are not her parents," Ezra Dolezal told CNN's "New Day" on Wednesday. "Because they are, and she doesn't want to be caught going back on her story again."

Self-portraits in brown crayon

Over the years, several reports have come out identifying Rachel Dolezal as transracial, multiracial or black. She hasn't corrected them -- in part because, it seems, she feels connected with the African-American experience, a link she claims began as early as age 5, when she drew self-portraits in brown instead of peach crayon and with black, curly hair.

"I identify as black," she told NBC's Matt Lauer.

This self-assessment, though, has bothered some -- including African-Americans who feel that Dolezal advanced as an activist by misrepresenting herself and by claiming personal injustices that weren't legitimate coming from a woman who could decide any day to present herself as white again.

She has had her defenders, too, with some pointing to the good she's done as an activist and saying she shouldn't be faulted for her tight bond with the black community.

'She's too nervous' to admit the truth, brother says

For all the Internet outrage, though, the ones most directly affected by all this are the Dolezals. And they couldn't be further apart.

It has been years since Rachel Dolezal talked with her parents. They've been on opposing sides of one custody battle, which ended with Rachel taking in one of Larry and Ruthanne's four adopted children as her own. And Rachel, who attended historically black Howard University and until very recently had taught classes on African-American culture at Eastern Washington University, has claimed she felt her connection with the black experience was stifled when she was growing up.

"I felt very isolated with my identity virtually my entire life, that nobody really got it and that I really didn't have the personal agency to express it," she told NBC. "I kind of imagined that maybe at some point (I'd have to) own it publicly and discuss this kind of complexity."

Yet her parents have challenged her assertions, including that she identified with African-Americans as a youngster or was held back in any way. They've challenged her integrity and even questioned her mental state.

Ezra Dolezal backed his adopted parents Wednesday, while ripping what he called a web of lies -- a web that, he said, is growing bigger by the day.

"I think ... she's too nervous to just admit that she's not been telling the truth," he said. "(That) is why she keeps on making up more and more lies to help fit the story as it goes."

End of article

My thoughts:

I haven't read or watched that much about Rachel, but I think I've seen enough to have an informed opinion. And for me, this whole situation is actually quite simple. Be who you want to be. If you feel like a black person on the inside, if you identify as a member of the African American community, then by all means wear a weave and bronzer and whatever you choose to do to make your outside match your inside. Apply to a historically black college and spend your life for fighting for equal rights for the community that you feel you belong to. I have absolutely no problem with any of that. More power to you. 

What is not okay with me are all the apparent lies that she has told in her quest to live her life as an African American, civil rights activist / educator / author / etc. She has lied about who her biological parents are. She has said her adopted brother is her son. Which is the saddest part of this story, because obviously her parents have no hang-ups about race - they adopted four black children! Their beef with Rachel - just like mine - is not about the fact that she identifies as black - but in the fact that she has lied about being black. And she has lied about other parts of her life as well. Apparently she is a competent educator and has worked hard on behalf of the African American community, and I don't think her efforts or her accomplishments in the field of civil rights should be negated. As NAACP officials have stated, a person does not have to be black to join their ranks and toil for their cause. All someone needs is a commitment to social justice and helping others, and Rachel definitely has that. How unfortunate that she felt she had to lie in order to live the live she desired.

librarianintx

Passion over fear

"One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed is watching her passion become greater than her fear."

That is a quote from Demi Moore about her daughter, Rumer Willis, during this past season of "Dancing with the Stars." Rumer spoke about how she was teased and bullied as a child for her looks, and how being on "Dancing with the Stars" and learning to dance made her feel beautiful. As much as I enjoyed Riker and Allison this season, I was also a big fan of Rumer and Val, and I'm very pleased that they won. Rumer and Val have amazing chemistry, and it was evident how much being on the show meant to Rumer. Every dance was a work of art, beauty, and grace. Riker had great energy, enthusiasm, and a competitive spirit. But Rumer had a passion for dancing that emanated from her every week like explosives. No one this season was more expressive, more determined, more in love with dancing than Rumer.

When Amber Riley won her season, she said something like, "If something scares me, that makes me want to do it even more." People like Amber and Rumer - women that have their goals in sight, and have the fire, the drive, the passion to get what they want - that is the kind of woman I want to be. I want to know what I want, and not let anything or anyone stop me from achieving it. To do that, though, you have to have self-esteem. You have to have a belief in yourself and your abilities. You can't let fear derail you. Fear of success. Fear of failure. And therein lies my difficulties. I don't have the belief in myself. And I let fear stop me at every opportunity.

I hand my power over to fear on a daily basis.
I won't be a success in life until I find a way to change that mindset.

librarianintx

Five Words to Live Your Life By

The Mind Unleashed on Facebook had an article yesterday that outlined the five words to live your life by. In the opinion of the author of that article, the five words should be:

No
Yes
Believe
Love
Persevere

So I was thinking about what my five words would be. I'm not saying these are words that lead me to a healthy emotional existence necessarily, but they are the five words I would most associate with my life:

1) Harmony
I have a small wall decoration in my room with the Chinese symbol for the word harmony, and I have used Harmony as a screen name occasionally. I am always striving to be in harmony in life. I am happiest when the people around me are in harmony, and I am in harmony with them. I feel upset at the slightest amount of discord. I struggle so much with any kind of conflict. When my surroundings are clean and organized, my mind is quiet, and the people around me have smiles on their faces, that is harmony. For me, harmony is synonymous with peace, tranquility, balance, happiness. 

2) Balance
This refers to several aspects of balance:
a) physical balance - I have fairly poor balance, due to muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, and the effects of an inner ear disorder. Falling is a constant concern, but luckily is not an issue yet. I have exercises I should be doing, but I rarely do them.
b) emotional balance - Partly due to my personality, possibly partly due to age, my emotions can change on a dime. I can be pretty happy one minute, and in tears the next. Sometimes the fluctuations are even more pronounced.
c) activities balance - Every day it seems I am confronted with the challenge of choosing between what I want to do vs what I need to do, or what other people want me to do. Between my own struggles with motivation and the desire to help/do for others, I often find at the end of the day that I am disappointed with my decisions or feel unfulfilled with how I have spent my time.

3) Accomplishment
See a pattern here? Each word leads to the next word. I am very accomplishment-oriented. Because of fatigue, other health issues, and mundane daily tasks that must get done, I often climb into bed at night feeling sad and frustrated about what I wasn't able to do that day. Sometimes the things on the list are tasks like dishes or paying a bill or something I needed to do at work. Usually they are hobbies I enjoy like blogging, journaling, or reading. But I am working on this area of my life. I am making time for the activities that I enjoy. I want to go to bed at night feeling like I made good use of my time and energy that day. More than anything, I want to be living a purposeful life.

4) Concentration
I have a good day when I am able to concentrate on what I am doing. I fall into old habits of worry and rumination when I'm having trouble concentrating. So a very good day happens when I can focus on reading, journaling, blogging, or other hobbies that I enjoy. Focusing on a television show or listening to music are other helpful activities. I also feel good when I am able to exercise. An example of a bad day is me coming home from work, sitting on my bed or on the couch, and spending the afternoon worrying about future events, recalling past troubles and traumas, and generally becoming mired in negativity. When I can't concentrate on a hobby, performing physical activities like doing dishes and straightening up my room and the bathroom will help me feel productive and keep me from worrying, but it will also leave me with less time and energy for the activities that I enjoy. So the ability to concentrate helps me feel more balanced and I feel more accomplished too.

5) Resiliency
I know I've written much about my struggles with and desire for resiliency. Self-esteem, self-empowerment, belief in oneself and her abilities all contribute to resiliency. In contrast, fear, rumination, lack of concentration, disharmony, etc, all work against resiliency.
The Mind Unleashed also listed the five powerful rituals of mentally strong people:
They use passion and love to fuel their drive to get the hard things done.
They focus their energy solely on what they can control.
They make every action a positive one.
They are relentlessly consistent.
They act as if what they do makes a difference.
I think all of these contribute greatly to resilience, especially the third one: They focus their energy solely on what they can control. So important!!

librarianintx

SYTYCD Premiere

I was pleasantly surprised. Since they changed the format (stage vs street) and added two new permanent judges (Paula Abdul and Jason Derulo) I had not been excited about the show at all. I even considered not watching.

But I'm glad I did. The magic is still there for me. They showcased some very good dancers. There were heartwarming moments. And some laughs. My favorite moment was the kids dancing with Jason.

Paula usually drives me crazy as a judge, but I thought she did well last night. Her comments were coherent and she didn't ramble or stammer. The three judges played off each other well. I got the giggles too when Paula and Jason lost it over "ballhopping." 

I was not a fan of Jason's guest judging appearance last season, but I thought he did pretty well last night. I enjoyed the two times he went on stage, although I was disappointed in his blatant uncomfortableness with the effeminate contestants. I am a fan of his music, however, and happy to have the opportunity to hear "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Want to Want You." 

So it was a premiere as good as any other season of the show, and I look forward to months of tears, triumphs, and incredible dancing. Bring it!

librarianintx