I always hoped it would happen, but as the years went by and nothing changed, I figured I would be this way forever.
Terrified of storms.
In reality, my phobia has evolved. I have been able to pinpoint the aspects of a storm that scare me the most: wind and tornadoes.
And the anticipation.
It was the anticipation that would actually cause me the most distress.
Because I was convinced I could not make it through a severe storm by myself.
This thought pattern caused me so much stress and anxiety.
It made me worry uselessly for days and do things that were embarrassing and made me feel so bad about myself.
I could say that I did everything I could think of to change - but it's not true.
I WANTED to change. But I lived with this fear - and in the storm of this phobia - for decades.
I didn't do anything different - I made the same mistakes over and over and over and over.
And then two nights ago - it happened.
I knew a threat was looming. I haven't completely altered how I deal with an approaching storm. I watched the weather. We were under a level one - slight risk. A front was coming in from the Pacific. Warm, humid air clashing with cold, drier air. Strong winds aloft. And the lift in the atmosphere needed to generate the severe storms.
Yeah, I know the lingo. That's what happens when you watch the weather religiously. Some people who know me say I should have become a meteorologist. But I couldn't, for two important reasons: 1) I'm not good at science and 2) Nobody is going to hire a meteorologist whose heart pounds and hands shake and barely controls the urge to run when there's even a mention of bad weather.
So I can't be a meteorologist, but there has always been a fascination aspect to my fear, which has helped to root me to my phobia. As scared as I am, I have wanted to ride in a storm chaser car for as long as such a vehicle has existed. Why? Not because I wanted to be that close to a storm. But because I would be with someone else, and we would be in a vehicle that could flee if there was too much danger. As a person who cannot drive, I have always feared a looming deadly tornado that I could not escape from, even though trying to out-drive a tornado is never recommended. No one said plans made in terror are the intelligent choices.
So, back to two nights ago. I knew there was a threat. Not a high one. A low end chance. And that definitely helped. We were not under an enhanced or moderate risk. The last update I heard was storms were expected around 11 pm. We were not under a watch, but counties just north of us were.
The time was around 9 pm. I was at my computer. My roommate walked in from work. IT WAS ONLY THEN that I noticed the deep, low, CONSTANT rumble of thunder. I said, "Is that thunder?" "Yes," he replied, "Lots of lightning out there too."
I had not noticed.
No pounding / racing heart.
No fight or flight response.
No pacing.
No constantly checking every tv channel, news and weather app, radar, favorite weatherperson on Facebook
No planning to get somewhere safe.
I had FINALLY learned how to feel safe. At home. By myself.
GAME. CHANGER.
We were under a severe thunderstorm warning.
I didn't know.
And the most amazing thing: I didn't CARE.
I'm not calling myself cured. I will still be scared sometimes. And having a healthy fear of storms is not a bad thing.
But to have FINALLY achieved this level of comfort and independence - it means the world.
It is never too late.
librarianintx
I wish I had the option today.
It is an exceptionally abundant wildflower season so far, and we haven't reached the usual peak yet.
Now, on my ride home especially, I see bluebonnets and other wildflowers - the pink and yellow ones - blanketing the sides of the freeways and side streets, even the lawns of schools, businesses, and homes. The colors are gorgeous and make me smile no matter what mood I'm in.
I thought about asking the driver if we could pull over somewhere and take the obligatory "Texan in the wildflowers" photo. And by Texan, I mean adult, teenager, child, toddler, infant, dog, cat, heifer, steer, horse, pig - you name it, someone will sit it down in a field of bluebonnets and take a picture of it. Especially around Easter, you will see plenty of families pulled off on the side of the road, posing for phone photos or video to send to grandma and grandpa, or to post on social media. Bonus points if Fido or Fefe is there too, and if everyone is smiling and looking in the same direction.
But anyway, I didn't ask, because I already knew the answer. Schedule! Gotta keep to the schedule! Plus all the liability issues.
Don't feel bad for me, Blogosphere. I have plans for a wildflower excursion soon. So today I just enjoyed the scenery.
librarianintx
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| Free photo from the Internet |
No, I didn't imbibe any alcohol during the Academy Awards - I just felt like I did when I woke up. My post-COVID body requires an absolute minimum eight hours of sleep - and I did not get that. Add the fact that it was a Monday, AND the first workday after the fresh hell known as the time change (Why the HELL is it SO DARK outside?!) and you get my morning.
PLUS: newly dyed red hair makes the morning routine a bit longer (my secret is out.)
Also: jeans first worn after a washing can be a bitch to button. Keepin' it real for y'all.
How about one more delay? The Universe gave it to me. The zipper on my red jacket...would...not...move. Tug. Pull. Nada. Repeat.
But ha ha on you, Universe! This is when librarianintx sashays over to her FORTY PLUS collection of jackets. Red jacket zipper stuck? Simply grab ANOTHER red jacket! Psych! I have three!
Now the one I substituted is technically a sweater jacket, and is slightly dressier than the red jacket I ordered from Amazon in the boys department (I'm giving ALL the secrets today.) Still, I didn't think any of the twelve people I saw today would look at me, eyes wide and mouth agape, and utter, "Really...that sweater with.... jeans?!" I mean, c'mon. Florence Pugh wore a nude-colored gown with a slit wide enough to display her black booty shorts at the Oscars last night. Clearly my fashion, or lack thereof, is completely irrelevant.
After all of that though, the Universe was kind for the rest of the day when it came to rides. NO waiting for either trip! In both cases, they were early and waiting for ME. I saw the morning ride as I was headed for jacket #2. The afternoon van was parked in front of the library as I raced out after peeing. The driver was not in the van - likely she was inside, also peeing. But I peed upstairs and she has to pee downstairs. TMI? #reality
The morning ride was completely full - two drivers (one in training) and four passengers. You don't see that very often. I didn't have to crawl into the far back seat, so I was relieved. (did you catch the pun? See paragraph above.)
All three young women we picked up were from the same group home. I initially panicked when one of them talked about how she was handling her pregnancy, but the driver was calm in her line of questioning - "What are you going to name him/her?", "What will he / she like to eat?" - so I relaxed into their world of fantasy.
Sorry to end the post on a downer, but again - #reality. Entirely possible that she could be pregnant, but I don't think she is. Either way, none of my business, so I didn't ask. This is Texas, so I'll say "thoughts and prayers" - and mean it.
librarianintx
