An Important Lesson

I learned a lesson during the holidays that I hope I'll remember for the future.

It's quite simple, really.

Bad moods happen.
To everyone.
You're not going to be sunshine and happiness every day.
It's an unrealistic expectation.

The key is to not beat yourself up when you say or do or act in a manner that isn't pleasing.

Say you're sorry and move on.

Life is too short to wallow in guilt.

Perfection is not achievable.

Forgive yourself and move on.

librarianintx

Survivor Finale - My Thoughts

The finale was weeks ago, so who cares, anymore, right?

Well, that's how I felt about the finale.

Usually I'm a sucker for redheads, but Tommy didn't do a thing for me. I wasn't rooting for Noura or Dean either. Kellee was my favorite of the season, until she got voted out with TWO idols in her pocket. So honestly, I didn't care who won.

For me, the best moment of the last night was at the reunion show when both Elaine and Janet were gifted with $100,000 by singer and Survivor super fan Sia. I would have been very happy to see either one of them win the million, but at least they were recognized for the impact they had on the season.

CBS and Survivor really mucked up (you know there's another word I want to use) when it came to Dan's sexual harassment. He should have been gone the moment Kellee made her first allegation. Period. What happened isn't going to cause me to stop watching the show. But they need to do better. Way better.

librarianintx

Dehydration

Building on my previous post -

I believe I have been chronically dehydrated for several years, due to a number of factors:
1) low weight
2) small bladder
3) difficulty swallowing
4) transportation issues (long commutes)

I have had many uncomfortable para-transit rides where I had to pee. When your pickup window opens at 2:30, but you don't get in the vehicle until 3, and then you have to ride until 4 - 4:30 - it can make fluid intake difficult.

Chronic dehydration can cause skin and dental problems, fatigue, memory issues, kidney stones, and make blood draws and IV's a long and painful process. It can also, apparently, contribute to high levels of potassium and other issues with blood work.

The main way I am combating chronic dehydration is to make a conscious effort to drink more. Meaning, I'm not sipping on liquids throughout the day. If I do that, I won't achieve my quota. I am pouring 8 - 12 ounces at a time and trying to drink that amount in a relatively short amount of time. My goal is at least 40 ounces a day, which is about half my weight. I'm also using a straw, which is easier for me with my swallowing issues.

The other key component is to stop drinking an hour before I have to ride in a vehicle. That gives my bladder time to empty twice before I leave. Sometimes I get busy at work and forget to stop drinking at the allotted time. Sometimes I get busy at home and forget to drink. But I am working on those issues.

My schedule is working pretty well. Most days I get at least close to 40 ounces, and occasionally I even surpass that. My blood draws have been easy lately, and I feel like my fatigue is less. My potassium level has decreased.

I'm pleased with my progress so far. But I have to remain vigilant, so I don't fall back into old habits.

librarianintx

Special Diet

I have never had to be on a diet. I feel fortunate to be at my age and have never had restrictions on what I can eat. I've been underweight most of my life, and a picky eater, so my Jewish mother was always intent on me eating anything. Plus there have been times in my life when I couldn't chew and swallow properly. So as an adult eating has been a highly pleasant experience, when I wasn't afraid of choking, because I can eat whatever I want whenever I want. Breakfast for dinner, fine. Dessert before dinner, hey, why not. A big meal at 9 pm - not great for my digestion, but I do it anyway sometimes.

For the past few months I have been dealing with high potassium levels from an unknown cause. Both high and low potassium can affect your heart and become dangerous, so the doctor has had me on a low potassium diet. It is amazing how many foods are high in potassium. Most of what I used to consume has been banned from my daily routine - beans, tomato products, bananas, avocados, potatoes, yogurt, milk, chocolate, etc. Other foods are not super high in potassium but can become high if you eat them in larger quantities, like mushrooms and peanut butter, two more foods I used to eat frequently. I have had to research and read labels and change how I eat, and I am not at all accustomed to that. It has been a frustrating experience. I want to eat healthy, but it's hard now, because so many healthy foods are high in potassium.

Mashed potatoes and sweet potato casserole are two of my favorite foods at Thanksgiving, and it was difficult to say no to them. Could a bite or two of each really hurt me? My potassium level was out of range again at the time, so the answer is a bite or two could have become a problem, so I did not eat any. But I got through it by being grateful about what I could eat. I was able to eat green bean casserole, dressing, turkey, and cranberry sauce, and they were all delicious. I thoroughly enjoyed the meal, plus two days of leftovers. I didn't spend time lamenting what I couldn't have.

The good news is that my most recent blood work was very good. My potassium level is down to 4.2 - well within normal range. I have been increasing my fluid intake, thinking that chronic dehydration may be at least part of the equation. I have at least one more test to do. Then we'll see what the doctor decides. I hope I can eventually add some of those foods back into my diet. But most of all I'm hopeful that I don't have an autoimmune disease or something even more serious than that.

Being on a special diet isn't fun, but it is necessary sometimes.  The key is how you approach it emotionally and mentally. Being grateful for what you can eat, and knowing you are doing what you have to do to be safe, makes being on a diet much easier to deal with.

librarianintx

Wonderful Quote about Gratitude

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow." Melody Beattie

My life continues to evolve and grow as I am focusing more on gratitude. It has made me calmer, happier, more comfortable with my life. The evilness of finding my existence lacking in comparison to others is shrinking away, which benefits me in numerous ways.

If you're worried that gratitude results in complacency, I can tell you it doesn't, at least it hasn't for me. Saying I'm more comfortable with my life doesn't mean that I have stopped attempting new endeavors or reaching for more accomplishments. On the contrary. Gratitude makes me appreciate what I have and also allows me to strive for betterment with less fear of failure and concern for what other people think of my decisions in life. 

Here is my gratitude list for this morning:
I got my jacket zipped up (the zipper is fussy).
The van was warm.
I made it to work.
I have a job that fulfills me and allows me to help people.
I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and money in the bank.
I have people who care about me. 

Gratitude will have a positive effect on your attitude, your perspective, your personality - if you make a conscious effort to make it a daily part of your life.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars finale - My Thoughts

After the Sophie's Choice drama and tears of last week's episode, when the judges had to make the painful decision of eliminating one of the top two contestants this season, last night's finale was such a joyous celebration of a mostly terrific season of Dancing with the Stars. It took awhile for these contestants to get the hang of dancing, but I would argue that the Top 5 all became fantastic dancers. The finale was super exciting, with all the dancing absolutely top notch. I enjoyed all the repeat dances, and the freestyle dances were amazing!!

So did the right person win? Sorry, but not in my opinion. I would have given Hannah the Most Improved Dancer award, but not the Mirrorball trophy. She came so far and improved so much, in her confidence as well as her dance ability, and I am okay that she won, but I think Ally or Kel deserved it more. I honestly don't know why the audience struggled to connect with Ally. She was in the bottom more than anyone else, and she didn't deserve to be. I found her to be humble, grateful, emotional, a hard worker, and she became a wonderful dancer that excelled at every style she attempted.

Still, I just loved the journeys that these contestants experienced, and I was so thrilled and excited for them. All of the top 5 changed and grew so much, most notably Hannah and Lauren. Even though country is not my thing, I thoroughly enjoyed Lauren's country freestyle, and I clapped, squealed, and cried with her when she got her first 10's of the season.

The finale was just so great. Cher's performance was amazing. The costumes were perfection! Pitbull and Neyo were fun. I didn't feel like we got to see the former contestants as much, but they all looked wonderful and happy to be back on the dance floor. I have only two complaints. Len's score of 9 on Kel's freestyle was SO wrong. Okay, to a certain extent I can see his point. There wasn't a lot of variety in the freestyle. There wasn't a mix of styles; there weren't many lifts. But c'mon, the energy and as Bruno said the exhilaration of the performance was undeniable. I think sometimes Kel's dancing is so effortless that it looks like it isn't difficult, but that was not an easy routine, to keep up with the music as it got faster and faster. I loved it, and it did NOT deserve a 9. My other complaint: They didn't use the Whitney Houston track for "I Wanna Dance with Somebody." Why in the world? DWTS, you used the track for "I Will Always Love You," the previous week, you couldn't get the other song cleared, or you were lazy? Two blimps in an otherwise fabulous night!

I simply adore this show. Thank you for a fantastic season, Dancing with the Stars! Congrats to all the contestants, and to Hannah. Maybe next season I can post more of my thoughts, even if I don't do formal recaps.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars 11/4/19

Yes, I am still watching Dancing with the Stars. I'm disappointed that I haven't had time to write recaps of the episodes. But I have to say a few things about last night's show. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! For me, the first two weeks of the season were super dull. No one was good, everyone was nervous, it was just not enjoyable to watch, and I feared it would be a snooze-fest of a season. But these contestants (all but one anyway), have become DANCERS!! There has been some terrific choreography, and the music has been fantastic!!

This is not going to be a traditional recap for me, just some thoughts about some of the routines and performers.

1) Lauren Alaina and her Jive
YOU GO LAUREN!! All of the dancers (except one) have drastically improved since the beginning of the season, but I think the biggest metamorphosis has happened with Lauren. She started the show shy, reserved, nervous, and I know a lot of it has to do with her Christian upbringing. She has said more than once that she was nervous about her father would react to a particular routine or sexy move. But in her Jive last night, she was confidence with a capital C. Her Jive was everything you want a Jive to be - fun, upbeat, bouncy, cheeky - and she absolutely captured the exuberance and decadence of the 1950's. Her outfit was perfect, her hair was spot on, and and she exuded self-assurance from beginning to end. I was so sad for her that she made some mistakes and didn't get the scores she deserved. From a personality standpoint - that routine was a 10!

2) Kel's Salsa
THAT IS HOW YOU DO IT MY MAN!! You could tell that Kel was feeling that music from note one. I was too; I was grooving and singing right along with him. It was the perfect song for him, and yes, he was the star of that routine, and he was large and in charge! Congrats on the first 10 of the season, dude, you deserved it!! I absolutely loved everything about that dance (except the extra dancers, but y'all already know that about me) :)

3) Ally's Paso Doble
THAT GIRL WAS ON FIRE!
The first perfect score of the season!
Carrie Ann was right - she rocked that skirt like few people have on this show.
I am so happy for her!

4) Hannah's Quickstep
Finally we see some real personality from Hannah, and it really elevated the performance. Her Quickstep was fast, uplifting, joyful, and as Bruno said, they did well covering the floor and dancing "big."

5) Kate's Jive
Again, great music being used, in this case Linda Ronstandt's "Heat Wave." Like with Lauren, Kate made some mistakes and her scores suffered, but she has also blossomed on this show, and was brimming with confidence in this routine.

6) James' Contemporary
James is arguably the front runner of the season, but he has most of the rest of the pack hot on his heels. I LOVED the emotion of this dance, and the slowed down version of "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey was lovely. James earned the second perfect score of the evening, and it was well deserved.

Now for the dance offs:

I always have a hard time with the side by side dance offs, because it's often hard to watch both couples at the same time.

Both Kel and Ally did a great job, but I gave the edge to Kel. He looked more relaxed, while Ally was a bit nervous. She seemed too concerned with what Kel and Witney were doing, and not paying enough attention to her own routine.

That Cha Cha may have been Sean's best dance, but I only had eyes for Kate - Girl was WORKING IT! Something about that ponytail maybe - She had great Cha Cha moves, great sass and personality, and she looked HOT! Again, they had a fantastic song to dance to - "Everybody Dance Now" by C&C Music Factory. That song makes just about everyone want to move.

Hannah and Lauren - that wasn't just a dance off, that was a TWERK OFF!! To see two dancers that have struggled with personality and confidence get out there and shake their asses off was SO AWESOME! Go girls! Lauren was a bit tight as first and I think that's why Hannah got the win, but she really let loose in the second half of the routine, and I LOVED IT! It was one of the best dance offs I have seen on DWTS. Don't despair Lauren! You got low-ish scores on your individual dance, and you didn't win your dance off, but you are KILLING IT this season with your confidence!

After such an exciting night of dancing, the elimination was of course a buzzkill, but Kate should hold her head high and be extremely proud of what she has achieved on the show. She has been a joy to watch this season.

I love this show!
librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 10/10/19

Yes, riding para transit can be difficult at times, but for the most part I don't have a problem with the drivers. The vast majority of them are polite, helpful, conversational, and drive safely.

I don't know what was up with my driver this morning. Maybe she was tired. Maybe she was stressed. Maybe she had not had enough coffee. I don't know. I can only speculate because the one thing she seemed upset about was the fact that I wouldn't open the van door for myself.

When I came out of my apartment, I walked up to the van and waited, like I do every morning. The van doors are very difficult for me to open, and I don't want to risk injuring my back or arm. Plus, I don't think the drivers want us to be opening the doors and getting in before they open the door for us.

She was doing paperwork, so I waited patiently. When she saw me, she unlocked the doors, but kept doing her paperwork. So I continued to wait. Then she looked up and said rather impatiently, "The door is open." I said, "I have a lot of trouble opening these doors." With a huff, she got out, came around, and opened the door for me.

I thought that would be the end of the story.

We picked up my co-worker again. She didn't seem to expect him to open the door for himself. 

When we got to the library, she opened his door and waited while he exited the van. I actually tried to open my door, but I couldn't do it. She came around to my side, and pulled open my door with more force than she needed to, and it opened with a bang. Was that really necessary? Maybe she didn't mean to do that, but it seemed she was still upset that I wouldn't (couldn't) open the door for myself.

This is a van service with people with disabilities. We don't all have the same abilities. Some people who ride can open those doors by themselves; some can't. I'm not sure why my inability made her so apparently frustrated. If she is a new driver, she will need to very quickly adjust to the fact that some passengers will need more assistance than others. Some riders are very slow in walking to the vehicle. Some take a long time to enter the van. Some need a step stool. Others need help with their seat belt. It is part of the driver's job to assist with entering and exiting the vehicle, and not make the passenger feel bad or guilty for requesting help.

I felt like she thought I was refusing to open my door, and making her act like a chauffeur, even when I told her it was something that was difficult for me to do. I was honest with her, and her response was to act like I was making her do extra work unnecessarily.

A great beginning to the day. 

But I'm not going to contact Metro. Because this was my perception. I don't know for sure what she was thinking or why she seemed mad. If she had refused to help me, or said something that made me know she was questioning my ability, then I would have made a complaint about her.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 10/8/19

There are many days when I arrive at work already tired, simply from the stress of making sure I'm ready on time, plus the interactions I have with passengers in the vehicle and the driver. I wouldn't say I'm exactly a morning person. Usually I've only been awake for about an hour when I get picked up, and in that time I've had to shower, dress, sort of make my bed, pack my food, etc. Then I have to be ready for possible conversations, and deal with whatever moods my fellow passengers and the driver are experiencing that day. This morning I rode in with a fellow library employee from my department, so we were talking work, but the driver kept interjecting with bouts of...not road rage...more like road frustration. People were driving too slow, cars were cutting in front of her, and she is one of those drivers that is completely committed to being on time. Which is great, but her lack of coffee (she mentioned that at least three times) and short temper at other drivers was a bit much to deal with, so early in the morning.

Still, I made it to work safely, and on time, so two things to be grateful for.

librarianintx

Big Brother Finale - My Thoughts

Karma bit two players in the butt on Wednesday night's finale, but one of them went home with nothing, and the other won the half million dollar prize.

Michie walked out of the house to the confetti spray that he dreamed of and worked so hard for, but it was a bittersweet win. Allegations of racism and mistreatment of female houseguests aired during the live finale really seemed to rattle him. He maintained his innocence while attempting to apologize. He looked genuinely shocked, and very worried. Michie believes he is a good man, a momma's boy that was raised right. And maybe he was, and is. But he played an aggressive game. He manipulated people. He outright lied about Tommy and was so forceful about it that Nicole and Cliff ultimately decided to evict Tommy. His lie brought the effusive and cheerful Tommy to tears, and was one of the saddest moments I have witnessed on Big Brother.

So yes, Michie won, and it should have been a glorious moment for him. But he actually looked crestfallen as he walked out of the house. I believe I even detected some boos after his name was announced. Maybe the money will ultimately sooth any residual regrets about how he acted in the Big Brother house and what an ugly game he played.

Karma also got to houseguest Bella, whose seemingly strong showmance with Nick blew up in her face when Nick hooked up with Kat in the jury house. Bella was also a very aggressive player who bullied Nicole before she was evicted. I would never wish such betrayal and embarrassment on anyone, but the way she treated Nicole was unforgivable, and almost made and my friends stop watching the show.

The saving grace of last night's finale was the fact that my three favorite houseguests: Cliff, Tommy, and Nicole were the top three people up for America's favorite houseguest. All three are good people who played honest games, and I would have been thrilled to see any of them take home the $25,000 prize. I am absolutely overjoyed for Nicole.

I enjoy the show, but the blatant racism and bullying that went on this season made it tough to watch. I had been so happy to see five racially diverse people on the show this year: David, Obi, Kemi, Jessica, and Bella. Unfortunately, only Jessica made it to the jury.

librarinintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 9/26/19

UGH!!!

I'm in the bathroom this morning getting ready, and there's a knock at the door - at 6:30 am, fifteen minutes before my ride window opened. I don't think drivers should be allowed to do that. Fifteen minutes is really early. I don't have to be ready then, so why knock on the door? It's stressful knowing that the driver is already there and waiting. And do they not think about the fact that there may be other people living in the residence who could be disturbed by the knocking? Sometimes my roommate is up by then. Sometimes he's even out the door by then. But not this morning.

Usually I don't get stressed by my rides anymore, but the knocking on the door so early made me feel rushed and anxious. It would have been the driver's fault if he had left before my time, but I was worried he would do that, especially since I didn't respond to his knock. But I was out the door a few minutes early, and in the vehicle by 6:45. It all worked out, but I didn't need the added stress.

librarianintx

So You Think You Can Dance Season 16 - Final thoughts

I know, I'm a week late to the party, but I just wanted to say that season 16 was short, but thoroughly enjoyable, with some EXCELLENT dancers, routines, and choreographers.

I thought everyone in the top 10 was exceptional, with one exception, which I don't feel the need to name. The top 4 was not who I would have chosen - my top 4 would have been Stephanie, Ezra, Mariah, and Bailey. But that doesn't mean that I think Gino and Sophie didn't deserve to be there, because they did. Remember, we're talking American's FAVORITE dancer, not America's BEST dancer. If the latter were the case, Gino should have won. He was arguably the best technical dancer. Personally, I am absolutely thrilled for Bailey. I didn't vote at all this season, but either he or Mariah were my picks to win. They were the most exciting couple by far this season, and possibly one of the greatest couples the show has ever seen. They tore up every single routine handed to them. Ray Leeper's "Need You Tonight" jazz dance has become one of my favorite routines of all time on the show.

So a big congratulations to the first B-Boy winner of So You Think You Can Dance! And a thank you to the incredible dancers who restored my interest and enjoyment in the show this summer. You all put every bit of yourselves into every routine, and I hope you all have long and successful careers in the entertainment business.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 8/30/19

Think fifteen minutes isn't enough time to get anything done?

Lately I have had the same driver on Fridays, and he usually arrives in the middle of my ride window, which is around 7 am.

So even though I understand that I COULD have a different driver, and he/she COULD arrive earlier, I decided to take a chance and do a few chores instead of standing outside and doing nothing.

Here is what I accomplished in about fifteen minutes:

1) gathered towels and socks together for laundry later

2) turned up the thermostat

3) made half a cheese sandwich (usually I get my food ready the night before, but I remembered I only had a half sandwich left over from yesterday)

4) changed out my phone cases (I carried a turquoise-colored case yesterday to match my shirt. Today's shirt was blue, so I switched to a blue case)

5) changed out my purse (I don't have a turquoise-colored purse (gasp!) so I carried a beige purse yesterday. I switched to a blue purse for today)

6) added a blue pen to my purse

7) went to the bathroom again

And I was still outside for a few minutes before my ride pulled up. Surprisingly, I did have a different driver. But he was on a similar schedule to my usual Friday driver.

I need to make rice today, but I didn't have enough time to do that. Even if I had, my OCD would have made me obsess if I remembered to turn the stove off. So I'm fortunate I didn't attempt that chore.

librarianintx

So You Think You Can Dance Season 16

I'm not planning to recap this season of So You Think You Can Dance. To be honest, I haven't been super interested in this season. I watched the auditions and the Academy, and I liked the episodes, but that was about it. I didn't feel invested in or connected to any of the dancers. I wasn't rooting for anyone in particular.

I thought the first episode of the competition was good, but night two was WAY better. Every dance on night two was terrific! I'm enjoying the new format of the show - so far there was just one dance from every couple, with no solos, so each episode was only an hour long. I like that better than two hours of multiple dances, solos, filler, etc. I'm hoping this format will continue through this undoubtedly short season.

On nite one the standout dances / performances for me were Ezra and Madison's contemporary and Bailey and Mariah's B-52's inspired jazz routine. Anna and Benjamin's ballroom number was also a hit with me. But Stephanie and Gino's Luther Brown hip hop dance left me cold (if you saw the routine you would get the double meaning there). And I didn't like anything about Eddie and Sophie's dance - the costumes were ridiculous, the premise was silly; it did not work for me at all.

But nite two - as Mary Murphy would say, "Holy Smokes!" All the routines were fantastic, and the dancers were on fire!! These kids are in it to win it! I am also amazed at the connections that have developed so quickly with these partnerships.

I'm going to briefly go through each dance.

1) Stephanie and Gino
What a terrific beginning to the show! This Emma and Sasha Jive routine was fire from start to finish! It was lightening fast, technical, great musicality, with a lot of fun, cheeky moments. Stephanie was in her element, so I knew she'd be good, but Gino was a revelation in this dance! Personality out the ying yang, and as Nigel said, some of the best kicks and flicks the show has seen since Benji Schwimmer, also known as the King of Swing. High praise for a contemporary dancer.

2) Sophie and Eddie
This duo drew a Travis Wall contemporary routine, and Travis Wall dances never disappoint. For me, Eddie is the weakest dancer of the competition, so I must admit I was nervous for Sophie's safety with all the lifts and throws and everything. But Eddie stepped up and protected his partner, and the result was a beautiful, powerful, poignant routine.

3) Anna and Benjamin
This Randi and Hef hip hop number was my least favorite of nite two, but still enjoyable. While on nite one I could not take my eyes off of Benjamin during their ballroom routine (and can anyone blame me for oggling the boy with the open shirt and beautiful hair?), in this hip hop dance my eyes were on Anna, and she did not disappoint. Laurieann thought she wasn't strong enough, and she's a choreographer, but I thought Anna did a great job. As much as I was watching Benjamin during night one, I appreciated the fact that hip hop girl Anna held her own in the ballroom routine, and looked like she was actually enjoying a partner dance in a dress and heels.

4) Madison and Ezra
Holy cow. This Ray Leeper jazz routine can be summed up in one word: S-E-X-Y. I know Madison is comfortable with her alopecia, but it seemed like performing in that hat with her skimpy little outfit turned her into a real vixen. Her chemistry with Ezra was OFF THE CHARTS. I hope her boyfriend isn't jealous. Maybe she was thinking of him when she bent Ezra's head back and ran her hand down his bare chest. RAWR. I agree with Nigel yet again - Bob Fosse would have loved that routine, and specifically Madison in that routine.

5) Mariah and Bailey
The night began with a bang, and ended with a bang, when these two blew the roof off the place with a Luther Brown hip hop routine. They deserved the audience, the choreographers, and the judges losing their shit over this dance - it was LIT!! They were down and dirty, in the pocket, twerking, humping a motorcycle, this dance had it all. Like with the first routine of the night, you knew b boy Bailey would do well in this routine, but contemporary girl Mariah KILLED this dance. With her bob wig and clad in a form fitting bodysuit, Mariah was ready to be cast in any hip hop music video. This was my favorite hip hop number since Nappy Tab's "Hotel" dance with Fik-shun and Amy.

Nite two of the performance shows has restored my interest and enjoyment of So You Think You Can Dance. I hope this level of dancing, choreography, and connection among the partners continues for the rest of the season.

librarianintx


 

Automatic door opener

I go to the bathroom several times a day at work - at least three or four. TMI, but there's a reason why I mention this. I have worked at the library for nearly twenty years, and the door to the fourth floor women's restroom has been problematic for awhile - it's not easy to push it when walking in, or pull it when leaving. I'm also germ phobic so I either push or pull on the door while using a paper towel or with my hand inside my jacket sleeve, which makes the process more complicated.

Anyway, this week the library installed automatic doors on the fourth floor restrooms. Now all I have to do is press a button, and tada, the door opens! The struggle is over! :) I never thought to request an automatic door, because I can physically open it, it's just hard to do. Now that the automatic door opener is in place, I'm so happy! I don't have to throw my weight into the door when I'm entering, and pull and tug when I'm leaving. I also don't have to worry that someone is going to open the door and knock into me while I'm struggling to enter or exit.

As relieved as I am, I also realize that opening the bathroom door was a form of exercise for my arms, so I need to devise other ways to keep my arm muscles working. I have one pound hand weights at home, but I rarely use them. I require new motivation now that needing to go to the bathroom is no longer a factor. :)

librarianintx

Health scare

In the grand scheme of life, my health scare was tame. I never had any symptoms, which I reminded myself constantly during the process in an attempt to calm my overactive worrying.

What happened to me makes the case for consistent health monitoring, even if you feel fine. A routine full workup showed a high level of potassium in my blood. A false positive for potassium can occur, so the test was repeated. When the second results still came back high, I was put on a low potassium diet.

I knew that bananas, potatoes, Gatorade, and juice are high in potassium, so I had already eliminated those items from my diet. But I had no idea that nearly everything I consume is high in potassium! Beans, tomato products, avocado, tofu, yogurt, milk, chocolate - I had to cut out all of these foods. What was I going to eat? It was an overwhelming process at first, but then I made adjustments. I've spent the past few weeks eating a lot of stir fry, macaroni and cheese, cottage cheese, and corn chips. Giving up chocolate, milk, potato chips, and Gatorade were the toughest parts of the diet. Eating out and at other people's houses was especially rough. I ate a lot of Chinese food.

The diet was hard, but the not knowing what was going on was even more difficult. High potassium in the blood can lead to heart issues, so I requested a EKG, which was normal, thank goodness. After the third high reading, my internist sent me to a kidney specialist, which made me very nervous, but my other blood work was so normal that neither doctor suspected kidney problems. There was a possibility that I had Addison's Disease, an adrenal gland disorder, but again, I wasn't having any symptoms that would point to that.

In the end, the cause was apparently simple and easy to remedy. I didn't have Addison's Disease or any problems with my kidneys. I was just eating too many potassium-rich foods coupled with chronic mild dehydration. After a few weeks of the low potassium diet and a concerted effort to increase my daily fluid intake, my potassium level has returned to the normal, although high normal, range. I'll have another blood draw in two weeks.

I thought I was eating relatively healthy. And I was. But too much of a good thing often isn't beneficial, and can be harmful.

So even if you feel good and you don't suspect any problems, get a yearly check-up including fasting blood work. Always better to be safe.

The one humorous moment of this situation was when the nurse was going through the list of foods I couldn't eat. He said, "no brussel sprouts," and I replied quickly, "No problem there!" I am NOT a consumer of brussel sprouts. 

Here's a short list of potassium-rich foods:
potatoes
sweet potatoes
bananas
melons
spinach
avocado
tomato products
juice, especially orange juice
beans
nuts
broccoli
brussel sprouts
milk
yogurt
chocolate
tofu

librarianintx



 

"Be on Time Chronicles" 7/25/19

I don't want to give the impression that every Metro Access ride is terrible.

I tend to blog about the bad ones because they stand out.
They are upsetting, frustrating, often caused by poor scheduling and not through the fault of the driver.

Even when a ride is bad, I try to find some humor in the situation.

I haven't told the story of what happened last Thursday.

But before I do, I'll talk about this morning's ride.

I stumbled out to the van, barely ready and still feeling half asleep. I was also having allergy issues, and had to constantly wipe my eyes and nose (TMI?)

But the driver was so entertaining that I soon pepped up and was giggling most of the day to work.

I don't know if he was high on life, or had ingested a lot of coffee, but he was chattering away on a variety of topics.

Mainly he was talking about the possibility of life on other planets.
What the aliens might look like, and how they would react to humans.

We also talked about personal phobias - like heights - and shaking our heads at people who do crazy things like take selfies at the edge of cliffs and engage with wild animals and then have to run for their lives.

He told the story of encountering a bobcat (yes, a real one) when he was picking up a passenger at an apartment complex off of Far West Blvd. I have heard on the news about a bobcat in that area, so I believe he's telling the truth that he saw one, although parts of the tale have been embellished, as you will soon see.

Regardless, he was SO funny telling the story!
"I had a big ole' bobcat wrapping itself around my feet, and then a Bambi wandered up to me, and asked, "Yo, you know you got a bobcat hangin' 'round yo feet?"

He said, "If Metro wants me to quit, they will send me back to that address. 'Cause I ain't goin'. Maybe I'd go during daylight, when I can see what's comin' at me. But I ain't goin' at no six a.m. ever again. Uh-uh. No way. I value my life. They can find someone else to do that."

I enjoyed the ride, and it felt good to arrive at work in a better frame of mind than when I entered the vehicle. 

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 7/23/19

My first time blogging a ride as it's happening.

I'm doing this to keep myself sane.

Non-Austin peeps, take a nap.
This won't make sense.

ATX in the house?
Okay.

I got picked up from the HEB at Parmer & I35. I always shop there. Because I live ONE mile from there.

We are heading east on Parmer. I tell the driver, "Oh that's my street" as he's passing it.

He says, "I have another pick up."

Okay, I think. That's happened before.
Ten minutes maybe.

A pick up, and then I'll go home.

Uh-huh.

Not even close.

The pick up was on Dessau.

We dropped the guy off at the Embassy Suites on 290!

Yeah, I know. Utterly ridiculous!

But wait, it gets better.

Their reasoning, such as it was, was made clear when the driver clarified where he was taking me.

HE WAS TAKING ME BACK TO WORK DOWNTOWN!!!

I'm going back to work?
With groceries?
At 5 in the afternoon?
After I told the driver that I live a mile from the grocery store?
Does this make sense to anyone?

I could not make this shit up if I tried.

I got picked up from HEB at 5:07 pm.

I will likely get home about 6:15.

Oh, and my pick up from work was 2:30. I arrived at HEB at 4:15.

Frustrating beyond belief.

Three and a half hours for a trip to the grocery store. Because of their mistake.
If the driver had told me where he was taking me I could have MAYBE kept myself from having to ride around for this past HOUR!

Maddening

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 7/16/19

Something interesting and helpful happened this morning.

My driver knocked on my door at 6:40. My ride window opens at 6:45. I was scurrying around as usual, packing my lunch bag, putting on my work badge and jacket, etc. I opened the door, expecting him to say he knew he was early but he wanted me to know that he was there whenever I was ready. But he said something different.

"The guy we are picking up goes to a place that doesn't open until 8 am. So how about if you come out at the end of your window - around 7:15. That way we won't have to sit and wait for the place to open."

Sweet! I thought I had five minutes to finish getting ready. Now I had THIRTY FIVE minutes to do whatever I wanted. I don't know that this has ever happened in the two plus decades that I have been riding Metro Access.

I could have read, or looked at Facebook, but I decided to get a few chores done. I got my laundry ready for this afternoon. I put yesterday's clean laundry away. I readied work attire for tomorrow and Thursday. I caught up on my daily journal. All things I won't have to do when I get home. I could have had time for a proper breakfast, but I didn't do that.

It was so nice of the driver to give me that extra time, and not make me wait in the van.

I still had a long ride. I didn't get to work until 8:20. But it felt good to get a few chores done, and not feel like I was sitting around wasting time because of a poor schedule.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 7/11/19

It's something that happens to everyone at times in their life.
I'm very fortunate that I haven't faced this situation in years.

I overslept this morning.

My first alarm goes off at 5:40 a.m.
The second alarm is supposed to chime at 5:45.
I either didn't set the second alarm, or I somehow turned it off during the night.

I woke up at 6:13.
My ride window opens at 6:45.

So I had to assess the situation very quickly while still half asleep.
Do I try to make it?
Do I decide to take my time and pay for a ride share to work?
Do I say forget it and take the day off?

I chose to make a run for it.

Not showering was not an option.
I could not go to work with bed head and a bed body.
I took the quickest shower known to man, including an incredibly fast hair wash.

Thank goodness I had clothes and jewelry ready in the bathroom.
All I needed to do was find shoes.

I walked out the door at 6:45, feeling thankful and relatively put together.

The vehicle was parked outside.

Whew! I did it!
It wasn't a pleasant experience, but I'm glad I made it.

Hopefully this won't happen again for awhile.
But I survived it. 

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 7/3/19

Over the years of riding Metro Access, I have fellow passengers that I journey with frequently. Some people I see every week; then I don't see them for months at a time.

This morning I rode with Maria (not her real name). Maria is one of those frequent / infrequent fellow riders. For awhile we were riding together every Wednesday. Then I didn't see her for a few months.

We rode together this morning. And she had big news to share. She is moving to Illinois at the end of the month. I saw a "for sale" sign in front of her house when we pulled up.

Maria is blind and has an intellectual disability. Trips with her are never dull. She asks questions at a rapid fire pace that run the gamut of topics. Amid the questions she will give you a glimpse into her life. I know a few facts about her. Her family is from Illinois. Her mother died a number of years ago. She lived with her father until he passed away about two years ago. Now she lives with her brother. She has another brother who lives in another state. The second brother got married a few months ago.

Here is a typical "conversation" with Maria. She likes to ask questions, but she doesn't always like to answer them. She also enjoys interjecting some exclamations and Spanish into the "conversations."

"Do you like the Hallmark channel?"
"Do you like ravioli? How do you cook ravioli?"
"My mom died."
"Do you like Valentine's Day?"
"There's snow sometimes in Illinois."
"BOO!"
"What year were you born?"
"Do you like mosquitoes?"
"Como estas?"
"I have a fan in my room."
"Do you like tamales?"
"I love you."

And the questions keep coming. Sometimes she'll pause in the stream to mutter to herself. If we stop to pick up or drop off other people, she will get antsy.

"Are we going yet?"
"Are we ready to leave?"
"Have to wait, not ready to go yet."

Today I asked her about her impending move, and she responded. We had an actual conversation. I told her she will be missed at the day programs she attends.

I will miss talking to Maria.
I hope she likes living in Illinois.

librarianintx

Having to Cancel

Yesterday I had planned to go to the True Crime Book Club at the Austin Public Library. I started going about a year ago with a co-worker and one of her friends. The meeting is at 6:30, so I go in to work late that day, then the three of us grab a quick dinner and attend the club. I haven't been able to go every month, but I think I've been about half a dozen times, and I enjoy it. It's wonderful for me to have this social opportunity.

I have a very busy week scheduled. In addition to book club, I have a friend's birthday party on Thursday night, and another friend's choir concert on Saturday night. Going out on two weeknights in one week is extremely rare for me. Plus I'm going out of town next week for July 4th. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and over-scheduled, although again I'm so pleased for the opportunities.

So yesterday I was tired and my ears were acting up and I couldn't decide if I should go to book club or not. I struggled with the decision. I wanted to go and I thought I could make it if I just pushed through. But that didn't feel like a good idea. If I was overwhelmed and needed to cut back on my schedule, book club was the best event for me to eliminate. I had not read the book. If I didn't go, I could get home and get more organized for the rest of the week. There is a book club every month. Yes, I had missed the last two, and that was unfortunate. But hopefully I could make it to the next one.

But I just hate canceling. Especially the day of an event. It is important to me to honor my commitments. To go when I say I am going to go. I have this weird fear that if I cancel once, then I'll start canceling every time. And I don't want the people in my life to see me as inconsistent. I'm afraid they will stop inviting me to events because I cancel too much. I hate missing opportunities to spend time with people and do fun things. I want even more of that in my life, not less. I have been proud of the fact that lately I have had the ability to be more social and say yes more when people extend an invitation.

So I waffled. I weighed the pros and cons. I struggled with what to do. My indecision likely added to my fatigue and slight malaise. Finally, I decided not to go. I still feel disappointed today. I can't completely say it was the right choice. Part of me still wanted to push through and go. I did get somewhat organized when I went home, but I couldn't do everything. I feel somewhat better physically today, but not as much as I hoped.

Still, all I can do is take life one day at a time and do the best I can. Do what I can do, and be understanding with myself when I have to change plans or cancel, even the day of. Beating myself up internally isn't going to help my physical or emotional health. I have made much progress in being kind to myself and learning to make decisions that affect my well-being in positive ways. How I'm treating myself today about what transpired yesterday is just a tiny slip backwards. I'll get back on track.

librarianintx

A Silly Tale of a Non-Matching Phone Case

My ensemble for Thursday:
black shirt
black and gray pinstripe capris
black shoes
black and silver jewelry
black purse

All is right with with the world.

But I don't have a black phone case.
So I used a case that is black with various shades of pink.
Close enough

But sometime between being in the van and getting to work, I had a revelation.
AARRGGHH!
I have a gray phone case!
That would have matched my outfit much better.

Is the matching thing getting out of hand?

All morning at work when I looked at my phone, my every thought was, "wrong case!"

Friday's outfit:
blue jeans
blue socks and shoes
blue jacket
dark green shirt
dark green phone case
new dark green purse

Much better.

No phone case dilemma today.

librarianintx

Television Festival

This was the 8th season for Austin's ATX TV Festival, a four day celebration of television - screenings of new shows, reunions of former shows, and panel discussions about various topics. This was my first season to go, and even though I was super excited, I also worried and obsessed for weeks too. Because that's what I do.

This was going to be a challenge for me. Walking to different venues downtown. Getting downtown every day and getting home at night. Standing in line for events. Having time to eat. Finding places to eat. Making sure I stayed hydrated, but also dealing with my small, schizophrenic bladder. Keeping myself protected from the sun. Trying not to carry too much stuff. My emotions went up and down during the weeks prior to the festival.

I won't keep you in suspense. I absolutely LOVED IT! And I handled everything even better than I hoped. First of all, after much hand wringing and procrastination, I sent an e-mail to the organizers and explained my difficulty with standing in lines and dealing with the heat. I received a prompt and cheerful response. No problem at all, the e-mail said. For every event I attended, I could ask a volunteer to let me speak with the theater manager. They would give me a line card number, then let me come inside and sit down in the lobby until people were allowed in for the event. So that issue was resolved, and their instructions worked perfectly every time. No one gave me a hard time or questioned me. I had a copy of the e-mail just in case, but I never needed it.

As for the eating concern, one of the theaters served food at their events, and I was at that theater every afternoon. Problem solved once again. I ate yummy, filling grilled cheese sandwiches and french fries. For dinner I ate at Chipotle the first two nights, and at Which Which the third night because Chipotle wasn't open. Because of time I had to eat faster than I usually do, but I managed. I had a few snacks with me just in case, but I never needed them.

As for the walking, luckily all the venues were in about five blocks of each other. During the day I went back and forth between Trinity Hall and the Alamo Ritz, which are only one block from each other, so that was super easy. In the afternoon on Thursday and Friday I was able to walk the five blocks to the Paramount and State Theaters for dinner and the evening screenings. On Saturday I took a ride share because of the excessive heat. On Sunday all of my events were in that one block radius, so I didn't have to worry about the heat or the walking. Outside walking can be scary for me because I'm afraid of falling. But I was careful and I wore comfortable shoes. I took my time and didn't rush. My two wonderful friends who were also attending the festival walked with me when we were going to the same events. I have a terrible sense of direction and I got slightly lost once, but I figured it out. I didn't panic. 

It was a long four days. I left the apartment every day around 8:30, and arrived home after 10. On Saturday night my Metro Access bus was involved in an accident, so I didn't get home until after 11, and I had to be up at 6:30 on Sunday. I did it. And I wasn't injured in the accident, so all was well.

I am an avid television viewer. I watch a lot of shows, and there are more I want to see but don't have time for. I've never agreed with people who say that television is a waste of time. Television can make you think. It can make you feel. It can make you dream. You can learn from television.

It was SO awesome to be around a bunch of people who love television as much as I do. There was a such an amazing vibe being at the festival. People were excited, enthusiastic, from day 1 to day 4. And such friendly people! It was easy to strike up conversations while you were waiting for events, even for an introvert like me. Even if you didn't like or watch the same shows, you felt a connection to people. I was in the bathroom of the Alamo Ritz, and a girl was on the phone to a friend, completely fangirling out about the fact that she had just been in the same room with the cast of Archer. I have never watched that show. But I understood her excitement, her joy. It was contagious. Although I wasn't a fan on the level of that girl, I was still quite thrilled to share space with stars like Kevin Bacon, Lou Diamond Philips, Eric Dane, Zendaya, and Phylicia Rashad, among others. Highlights of the festival for me were the Grey's Anatomy and Atypical screenings and panels. But I thoroughly enjoyed all fourteen events that I attended during the four days. I got to see screenings of four new shows: Euphoria, David Makes Man, Prodigal Son, and City on a Hill.

I also attended panel discussions on interesting topics: inclusion and access, older people on television, the refugee crisis. I spoke in three of the sessions, mostly about disability. Little, nervous, back of the room sitter me speaking up in groups - I did it! Talking about issues that are important to me make me braver than I feel. In addition to a love of television, I felt that many of the people at the festival shared my viewpoints about social justice, politics, the importance of representation of minority populations, which just added to the wonderful vibe of the event.

It felt so incredible to not only survive something that I was scared to do, but actually thrive during it. I walked through the anxiety and the result was I had a fantastic four days. I even have some ideas I plan to pitch to the organizers for next year. I would love to actually be involved in planning festival events, but I'm not sure I have time for that. Anyway, I already paid for my badge for next year! Season 9 of ATX TV Fest, here I come!

librarianintx

Physical Therapy

In May, after only about five months, my therapist decided to end my PT. She said she has seen improvement in my strength and balance, and that I was ready to leave, but that I can come back in a few months if I want.

I'm puzzled by this. First of all, and most importantly, I have a neuromuscular disease. I guess small improvements are possible, but I'm not going to "get better." I feel that I need ongoing PT to maintain what strength and balance I have. I also have osteoporosis, so I need to do what I can to prevent falls and fractures. Also, I have a prescription from a doctor that lasts for a year, so I don't think this was an insurance issue.

Can I do most of the exercises at home? Yes, most, but not all. I don't have access to some of the equipment that I used at the therapy center. I don't have a big stationary bike with tension on it. I don't have a balance board. I don't have five pound ankle weights. I could buy them, but they would be heavy for me to use by myself.

I am trying very hard to be motivated and consistent and do my exercises every day, but honestly, that isn't happening. I'm doing at least some of them most days, and I'm giving myself credit for that. But I need to be doing all of them. Every day. And I need to be getting my steps in; I have a goal of at least 3,000 per day. I also want to practice climbing stairs - those are getting tough.

I could find another therapy center, get another prescription from my doctor, but the center I've been going to is a good fit for me - it's affordable, and it's located less than five minutes from my apartment, which helps with my transportation situation.

I have to admit a small part of me is relieved. Therapy days were very long days for me - I had to be ready to leave for work by 6:45 a.m, and I usually arrived home around 5:30 p.m. There were many days when I walked into therapy and wasn't sure I could physically do my work out. But I did. Every single time. I did everything they asked me to do. That made me feel so empowered. Even though I was often tired, hungry, thirsty, and sometimes a little weak after exercising, I also felt strong, proud, energized. Going to therapy also helped me to be more organized. I would prepare food, lay out clothes and jewelry, etc for multiple days in advance so when I got home from therapy I didn't have as much to do to get ready for the next day, or even the day after that.

So my plan is to do what I can on my own during the hot summer, and return to therapy in the fall. I hope I am motivated to go back. I think I will be. Even though I'm not doing all my exercises every day like I should, I still feel committed to the cause. I know I have to do what I can to prevent a worsening of my health, and to maintain what I able to do.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 6/18/19

Yesterday's morning ride was without fault.
I was picked up at the beginning of my window, and transported directly to work.
I arrived at 7:10 a.m. - an hour and twenty minutes early!
Did I make good use of my prompt arrival?
No.
But that's a topic for a different blog post.

The afternoon ride was the kicker.
My ride window opened at 2:30.
I went downstairs and settled into the bench on the library porch.
And I waited.
And waited.

When my window closed at 3 p.m. I called the "Where's My Ride" line.
I was informed that my driver was behind schedule, and I would not be picked up for another thirty minutes.

Sigh
Okay
Deal with it

It's a nice day.
Not too hot yet.
There's a pleasant breeze.

After a few minutes my shady bench was engulfed in sunshine, so I moved to a bench across the narrow street where I could once again be protected from the sun.

And I waited some more.

I waited the thirty minutes that dispatch told me.
Then I called again.

And I heard those dreaded words...

NO-SHOW

I had been left.
Supposedly the driver had arrived, not found me, and moved on with his or her route.

I was in front of the library, like I am every week day.

I did not see a vehicle.
I did not see a driver in a yellow vest.
I did not receive a call.

I was so irritated.
I had been waiting for more than an hour.
What was going on?

I was never given a clear answer.
Apparently the driver was running late, but when he or she finally arrived, they did not find me, so they left.

A very easy solution would have been TO CALL ME.
Obviously the driver were not in the right place, or I would have seen them, or they would have seen me.

JUST CALL ME.

If you, Capital Metro, refuse to give us the technology where we can track our rides like we can with ride shares, then please CALL when you can't find a client. Because Capital Metro does not call the client when a driver is running late or lost, the client has to call the "Where's My Ride" line and wait for more information. It is an outdated way to find out what is happening. Sometimes the hold time is more than ten minutes. It is a waste of my time, and it is frustrating.

Would it not be reasonable to assume that if I called at 3:00 to ask where my ride was, that I would still be waiting whenever the driver arrived? Okay, I guess there is a possibility that I gave up and ordered a ride share, or asked a friend to pick me up. But I wouldn't do that. I would have called again and said, "I'm not waiting anymore. Just cancel me." The one time I did abandon my ride was when my bus to Houston was leaving in 20 minutes, and the dispatcher left me on hold. I had no choice but to hang up and make a run (brisk walk) for the bus station. But that was a rare occurrence.

Related note: I understand this is my responsibility, but I had no food or drink with me. I don't need sustenance for my afternoon trip if I get home at a reasonable time. Yesterday was not reasonable. I managed to lick the remnants of a melted bite-sized chocolate bar that had been in my jacket pocket. (For clarification, I licked the wrapper. I didn't lick the inside of my jacket pocket. Just in case that part of the story was unclear.) That was all I had with me. I wouldn't call that food, but it was something. 

Because I was no-showed, I got home at 5:15, nearly THREE HOURS after my ride window opened.

UNACCEPTABLE

librarianintx

Survivor Finale: My Thoughts

I can sum up the ending in one word: Meh

The two hour episode and one hour reunion (actually it was a two and a half hour finale and half hour reunion) was quite good - exciting challenges, and Jeff made a concerted effort to talk to nearly everyone during the shorter-than-usual reunion.

As for the final three - that is the meh part for me. Gavin and Julie each won two challenges during the season, and Gavin has the bragging right of never having a vote cast against him this season. But did either one of them belong in the final three? Did they play a better game than the returning players Wentworth, Joe, David, and Aubry?

The consensus among fans is that Devens played the best game of the season, and deserved to win. I definitely agree with the majority. But not everyone feels that way. And as we all know in Survivor, the best player doesn't always win the million dollar prize.

Was Chris a worthy winner? Debatable. I think he was more deserving than Gavin or Julie, but that was only because: #1 He won the final immunity challenge, and #2 He made the very bold move of giving up that immunity so he could face off against Devens in the fire making challenge. It was a very ballsy decision, and in the end it won him the title of sole survivor. But was he truly deserving? Sure, he suffered during his time on the edge of extinction. Everyone there did. But he didn't have to participate in challenges. He still had to play a social game, but it was different. He didn't have to blindside anyone or work with an alliance to make big moves. When he got back into the game, he was given an immunity idol that kept him safe so he could get to top 4. If he wasn't given that idol, he could have been voted out.

So the outcome wasn't to my liking, but I still enjoyed the season. There was a lot of heart and emotion in this season as well as grit and determination. Even though she had her annoying moments, I was especially impressed by Wendy. I will remember how she had the added difficulty of her Tourette's flaring up as she tried valiantly to get back into the game during the first edge of extinction challenge. She made the choice to quit after that challenge, but I don't fault her for that. Yes, she came very close to getting back in, but I think she realized her chances were slim against stronger players. I was also impressed by Aurora. She struggled during the season to find alliances, but she never stopped fighting. 

I am disappointed that Devens didn't win, but so happy that he won $100,000 from Sia, and earned mad respect from the legions of devoted Survivor fans.

And HOW COOL that David and Cochran, two of my all-time favorite players,  are both writing for Star Trek!! Love it!!

No matter the outcome of a particular season, I still enjoy the show.

librarianintx

Game of Thrones - The Penultimate Episode - My Thoughts

Obligatory warning: SPOILERS AHEAD! Do NOT read if you have not watched the episode. 

I am not a Game of Thrones superfan.
I have not read the books.
I don't visit the fan sites.
So one could say I'm not qualified to write about the show.
But everyone is entitled to their thoughts and their feelings, and to express them.
So here goes.
I found the penultimate episode quite disappointing, for two main reasons.

#1 Daenerys becomes the mad queen.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised.
This season has been leading up to this.
But to see such a strong female character that so many fans loved and celebrated, believed in and rooted for, to see her slaughter an innocent population, including women and children, when she didn't have to - this just mystifies me. Why would the producers ruin one of the most important characters? Sure, some of it was satisfying and triumphant - Dani and her dragon taking out Euron (or so we thought) and the Red Keep, but to keep killing even when Cersei's army surrendered and the bells tolled - why? What was the point? To show that the loss of her second dragon and Missandei plus Jon and Tyrion's betrayal had rendered her mad with rage and grief? Doesn't this send a terrible message that women are too emotional and can't be effective leaders? I just don't get it, and I feel cheated, that the Daenerys we thought we knew is gone, and it is so difficult to celebrate her victory.

#2 Cersei's death (apparently)
One of the biggest speculations of the season would be who would kill Cersei, and how? There were several suspects - Jaime, Tyrion, Arya, Daenerys, the Hound, even Sansa and Brienne. It was Daenerys, if Cersei is actually dead, but it wasn't the face to face, satisfying demise we were waiting for, or maybe it was for some fans. Maybe Cersei and Jaime getting crushed as they were locked in an embrace was the conclusion people hoped for. Not me. I am not a fan of the violence of the show, but I have to admit I was waiting for her to be decapitated by Arya or strangled by Tyrion, or something like that. I even had a vision of Jaime shoving her out the tower, a la Bran. I wanted to see a single person wipe that perpetual smirk off her face. I most wanted it to be Tyrion. In a way, it made sense for the sibling lovers to die together. But I still think the fans were cheated - again.

The viewers were treated to two epic battles - the Hound vs the Mountain, and Euron vs Jaime. And we can be comforted by the fact that some of our favorite characters have survived, at least for now - Jon, Tyrion, Grey Worm, Arya, Sansa, Brienne, Sam, and Gilly. But within the celebration there are tinges of sadness and disappointment: Brienne the Gallant Knight became a sniveling, annoying cliche after sleeping with Jaime, and Grey Worm lost our respect when he continued the battle after Cersei's army laid down their swords.

I am very nervous for the final episode. I think there is a good chance that Daenerys will kill Tyrion - and that will absolutely devastate me. Yes, he betrayed her, but he was trying to avert carnage of innocent people - and he was trying to save his brother, the one person who was truly good to him.

What will happen in the final episode? Will everyone turn against Daenerys? Will Jon, the rightful heir, become the reluctant ruler of the Iron Throne? 

Unfortunately, I think there are a lot of fans who are so frustrated that they just don't care anymore. Perhaps Game of Thrones, the beloved and celebrated series, will go the way of Lost, St Elsewhere, and Battlestar Galactica by presenting finales that perplex, anger, and disappoint their legions of devoted fans.

Sigh.

librarianintx

Another Great Quote

"Don't be ashamed of your story. Use it to inspire and teach others." Anonymous

I honestly think this is the key to our existence. I'm not exaggerating. I believe we are on this earth to learn and grow and help others in the process. As we begin to deal with out issues, achieve success and suffer failure, we educate the people we come into contact with. Some people don't like the word "inspiration," but I think we all have the power to inspire each other. Certain individuals learn this valuable lesson earlier than others. But I think most of us get there eventually.

We can all learn from each other, if we listen and have an open mind.

Sharing our achievements and our disappointments with others can be tough. Many of us fear both success and failure, and it can be a challenge to trust others with such personal stories. But taking that leap of faith is important. Because while some people may not understand or be skeptical or not approve, many more will be impressed and possibly even inspired to follow in your path.

Everyone has the capacity to be an example, a trendsetter, someone to admire and hold in high regard.

Be brave.
Be bold.
Take a chance.
It could be you.

librarianintx

My New Favorite Quote

"I've always loved butterflies, because they remind us that it's never too late to transform ourselves." Drew Barrymore

This is the perfect quote for me. First of all, it mentions butterflies. And secondly, it's about change, transformation, growth. 

This 
This
This 

It's never too late to do something different.

You are never too old to learn a new skill,
To overcome fear
To do what you have always wanted to do with your life
To achieve something on your bucket list.

It is never too late to become who you were meant to be.
librarianintx

What a storm phobic person needs to know / remember

In my decades of living with a storm phobia, I have learned a few things. Remembering them can be an issue, especially when I'm in the throes of nervousness.

Here's a (not so brief) rundown.
I hope this will help others dealing with a storm phobia.
I know you're out there.

1) Weather people hype severe weather.
Some do this more than others. Unfortunately, it's their job. Kind of, anyway. They have to inform the public of the risks. But I think they also should tamp down the hysteria. If there is even a slight threat of tornadoes, they will sometimes mention that first. Often they shout tornadoes when that isn't the biggest threat of the day.

2) Predictions are just that - possibilities.
Weather is not an exact science. All the ingredients have to come together to produce severe weather. There needs to be lift, instability, a clash of warm and cool air. If one element is missing, the storms won't fire. Sometimes it looks like everything in place for a stormy day, but then it just doesn't happen. Also, occasionally late night or morning storms will "work over" the atmosphere, which creates stability so predicted storms don't materialize later. So take forecasts and possibilities for what they are - a chance that something will happen, and only that.

3) Destructive tornadoes are actually rare.
The reason deadly tornadoes get so much media coverage is that they don't happen very often, although it seems like they do. Most tornadoes are weak, short-lived, and do little damage. More people die or are injured by floods and lightening than by tornadoes. If you are in a sturdy building, you will likely be fine. Most damage caused by high winds, hail, or tornadoes involve windows breaking or roofs getting damaged. Sometimes trees fall on buildings.

4) Where you are can determine how safe you are in a storm.
The worst places to be in a bad storm are in a mobile home, in a car, under an overpass, near a tree, or holding an umbrella.You should also not be in the shower or on the telephone. If you are not in any of those places, you should be okay. The best places to be in a storm are in an interior hallway, bathroom, or closet of a sturdy structure, away from windows. Even if a destructive tornado hits your house, you can make it if you are in a safe place. An EF3 tornado went through a small Texas town a few weeks ago. A grandmother's house was destroyed, but she and her grandchildren survived because they were hunkered down in the hallway. When category 5 hurricane Michael hit last year, people in a hotel near the water lived to tell the tale because they took shelter in a first floor hallway. The choices you make can determine your fate in a storm. Of course that doesn't mean you're going to die if you are in a car or a mobile home. I'm simply saying those aren't the best places to ride out a big storm.

5) A watch means that bad weather MAY happen.
Severe weather is never guaranteed. And a watch usually covers a large area, including several counties. That doesn't mean the entire watch area will see big storms. Also, a watch usually lasts for four to eight hours. Sometimes it is stormy during the entire length of a watch, but usually not. Often storms will form and roll through sometime in that period.

6) When a warning is issued for your county, don't assume the worst.
A warning means that either a severe storm or tornado has been sighted, or it is radar-indicated. There is a big difference here. Radar indicated tornadoes sometimes never materialize. Sometimes it is a funnel cloud or rotation that never creates a tornado. Also, the storm may be in your county, but isn't heading your way. Bulletins when a warning is issued will outline what direction the storm is moving in, how quickly, and what type of weather is being indicated: large hail, strong winds, or possibly a tornado. Severe storms can fire up quickly and then weaken or even dissipate. Sometimes a warning is canceled when this happens.

7) It doesn't do any good to worry days in advance.
This is unfortunately a big one for me, because I have anticipatory anxiety. Weather people often hype possible bad weather days in advance. There is some reason for this: People make plans, and if the plans involve traveling or outdoor events, like a wedding or a birthday party or a golf tournament, it can be good to know that a storm may interrupt that event. But forecasts are sometimes altered day by day, even hour by hour. You can monitor the weather, but know that it can always change - sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better.

Bottom line: You can't affect the weather. Wishing that a storm would dissipate, or never materialize in the first place, isn't possible. What you can do is learn to control your phobia. There is nothing wrong with a healthy fear of severe storms. Respecting bad weather and knowing what to do when you are in a storm will keep you safe. Educating yourself about weather phenomena can help you deal with your fear. But also, too much focus can fuel your phobia. Work on distracting yourself during bad weather. Clean the house. Read a book. Spend time with friends. Run the dishwasher, turn up the volume of the television, run a load of laundry to drown out the sounds of high winds or thunder. Do what you need to do to keep yourself both safe and calm.

librarianintx

Stranger encounter

I saw a post on Facebook the other day about how we should be nice to homeless people who ask us for money. We should be polite and either give them money, or say, "I'm sorry, I can't give you any money, but I wish you well and hope you have a good day."

I honestly would like to do that. I don't want to be rude and dismissive to anyone. I care about homeless people. I hate that they don't have a place to live. And some people may say this is a cop-out. But I am a small female with a physical disability. I do not feel comfortable stopping and talking to strangers. I know that most homeless people are harmless. However, I also know some homeless people are mentally ill. Does that necessarily make them dangerous? Does a mental illness make someone inherently violent? No. I know that. But some could be. Some of them are also on drugs that can make them very strong and threatening, such as K2. That is why if I am by myself I do not talk to anyone on the street, and I don't give them money.

The other day I exited a Megabus and was walking to my Uber. Ride share vehicles are usually hanging out near the bus area, so I figured my vehicle would arrive quickly, and it did. I had looked carefully at the license plate, and knew that was my ride, so I started walking toward it. In the literal minute it took me to walk from the bus to the car, a guy followed me, saying, "ma'am, ma'am," over and over. There were other people getting off the bus, but for whatever reason he picked me to follow. I was walking briskly; I wanted him to know that I had a destination and was heading that way. I wasn't hanging out waiting for someone to pick me up. He never asked me for money, but I assume that was his intention.

I got into the vehicle without incident. But I was unnerved. I did not feel safe. And I was mad and upset. I shouldn't have to feel unsafe on a city street. I wish the bus company would do something about the people begging for money. This is not the first time this has happened, but I was with a friend when it happened before, so I was less nervous. I would like to see the bus company hire a security guard. But the guy followed me when I was on the sidewalk, so I'm sure the bus company would say they have no responsibility if something happens off of their property.

I would gladly do things to help the homeless population. I would donate clothing, personal hygiene products, etc. I would go in a group to hand out food and necessities. But if I am by myself, I am not going to engage in conversation or show anyone that I have cash. I am not going to make myself more vulnerable than I already am. Maybe that makes me a bad person, or not as good a person as I want to be. For me, it's about self-protection.

We should have respect and compassion for homeless people, and do what we can for them. At the same time, I think respect should go both ways. If the man had walked up to me and politely asked me for money, I may not have acted differently, but I believe I would have felt much less nervous. He made me uncomfortable by following me and trying to engage with me, even when I was clearly walking away from him. He was violating my personal space and my sense of safety. There have been instances when the people asking for money have become violent, grabbing purses and bags and shoving people to the ground. I simply cannot take that risk. I won't.

librarianintx

Going to a new doctor

Ladies, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know...
Going to the gynecologist is not fun. 
No woman enjoys that exam.

Going to any new doctor is nerve wracking for me, but going to a new gynecologist is especially anxiety inducing.
I have had a few bad experiences with gynecologists.
And unfortunately my mind - and body - remembers.

Would this doctor be understanding of my disability, of my anxiety?
Would she be patient, calm, helpful?
Would she refuse to assist me getting up from the exam table, like a previous doctor had done?
Would she grab my legs and pull me to the end of the table, either in a misguided effort to be helpful, or because the doctor was frustrated that I was taking too long to get into position?

I am incredibly relieved to report that this doctor was everything I needed her to be.
She was friendly, personable, and immediately put me at ease.
She reminded me that no one likes a gynecological exam.
Even though she was running late, she was patient and let me take my time getting into position.
She offered to help, but she didn't insist or take matters into her own hands.
She was gentle and told me what she was doing during every step of the process.
She was encouraging, asked me if I was okay, and told me I was doing great.
I didn't feel like she was treating me differently than any other patient.

It's hard to put into words how important her demeanor and actions were to me.
I'm hoping the success of this exam will help put to rest my demons of previous gynecology exams.
I want to remember this experience when I have my appointment next year.
That is my goal.

librarianintx

Weather

Anyone who knows me is well aware of three things about me: My favorite color is pink, I adore butterflies...and I have a severe weather phobia.

I've literally dealt with this my entire life. I was born in Orlando, Florida, home of nearly daily summer storms. My mom says I used to cower under my high chair as the lightning flashed and winds howled. And my fear has never waned since then. As a child I would run from window to window in whatever house or apartment we lived in, screaming in fright. In high school I was so scared when the sky turned black (or occasionally green) that I would get a pass to the nurse's office. I was absolutely unable to concentrate on anything except my extreme fear. When I was student teaching I tried my best to hide my feelings from my students. I attempted to control my shaking and racing heart the day we had to crawl under our desks during a possible tornado. I barely survived the two hurricanes I endured when I lived in Houston. Friends in college would let me hang out in their rooms, even during the night, when there was a storm. I didn't feel safe anywhere, even in a huge dorm that was built like a fortress.

It's a difficult situation because while I have this at times overwhelming fear, I also have a fascination with severe weather. When my area is not in the danger zone, I find myself watching the weather channel or checking my favorite weather web site, keeping tabs on the watches and warnings. I am interested, curious when the weather is affecting other parts of the state or the country. I am worried and sometimes terrified when it is threatening or hitting my area. I have anticipatory anxiety. Just the mere chance of a bad storm will keep me hyper vigilant, sometimes even days in advance, which is such waste of time, energy, and emotional stability. One day I worried for four days about an impending bad weather event. FOUR days. And what happened? Yeah, we had one bad storm. About thirty minutes of driving rain and high winds. But that was it. Thirty minutes, and it was done. I wasn't injured. There was no damage in my area. Thirty minutes. And I was a basket case for four days. It's not an easy thing to admit. But it's the truth.

I know I am not alone. Through googling, and scrolling through comments on the Facebook pages of my trusted weather personalities, I have discovered many people who think like me and act like me. People who worry days in advance, who hide in closets and bathtubs during storms, who spend hours wandering around Walmart or sitting in a restaurant because they can't be home alone during a storm. Absolutely being alone is the worst for a storm phobic person. I am WAY more in control of my fear when I'm with other people, especially in a place where I feel at least marginally safe, like a grocery store or mall or a hotel. Yes, I know there can be damage to large structures. But for me, the bigger the building, the better I feel...usually.

I have also learned to pinpoint my fear, and to downsize it to a certain extent. I am not usually scared during a garden-variety thunderstorm. I do not fear hail or heavy rain. My terrors are tornadoes, hurricanes, and damaging winds. I also hate how dark it gets during a bad storm. I am convinced that my weather phobia is tied in to my inner ear disorder. I can get dizzy when the lights go out without warning, or even when a restaurant dims the lights at dusk.

I have both success and setbacks in my quest to overcome my severe weather phobia. On Sunday I was in Houston, preparing to return to Austin. Austin had endured four rounds of bad weather on Saturday and Sunday morning, and now Houston was in the path of a line of storms. I was nervous about possibly being on the bus when it hit. I was also worried that the trip might get canceled.

Mom and I made it to breakfast with only a little rain on the way. We eat at different places, but that morning we chose the Denny's that's close to the bus stop. I checked the weather a few times while we waited for our food. A severe thunderstorm warning was posted for our county.

We were sitting in a booth that was not by a window. That was helpful. I could still see if I wanted to, but I was not close to the action outside. It got dark, then the wind and rain started. I can't say I was happy, but I didn't have the intense fear, the racing heart, the dread that I often feel. I was actually mildly okay. I was able to eat, which was a huge accomplishment. I was even able to laugh when I jumped at the crashes of thunder. Denny's is not a big building, but I felt surprisingly safe for a change. It felt so wonderful to deal so well with a big storm.

It all worked out. By the time the bus arrived the sky was beginning to clear. I would have a trip where I didn't have to worry about storms. It was a great feeling, but unfortunately one time of success has not cured me. But I will keep trying, keep working toward a more healthy relationship with bad weather.

librarianintx 

 

"Be on Time Chronicles" 4/5/19

Over the years I have become much less anxious about riding Metro Access. I am prepared every day that my wait times and rides will likely be long, and sometimes I might ride with annoying passengers, or even drivers. Thanks to the invention of ride shares, I know that if something happens with my para-transit ride, I can get a fast. affordable ride to where I need to go. I'd rather not pay for a ride share when I have already paid for a Metro Access pass that allows me monthly unlimited rides. But in an emergency, such as getting no-showed when I have a doctor's appointment or need to get to work, a ride share will get the job done.

But the one time I do get a little nervous is when I am taking the Megabus to Houston. If Metro Access doesn't show, then I have a short window of time to get to the Megabus station. The good news now is that the Megabus stop is only two blocks from my work, and I usually leave from the library on a Friday afternoon to take the Megabus.

So yesterday I was doing just that. I had a ticket for the 2:40 bus to Houston. I asked for a 2:15 appointment time to arrive at the station, to give myself a buffer. Making a 2:30 reservation for a 2:40 departure time makes me too nervous. When I made the ride on Thursday, I was given a pick-up window of 1:32 to 2:02. Since the bus station is only two blocks from the library, I felt that was a reasonable time period.

Well, you can surmise what happened. My window ended, and my ride had not arrived. I called. I was put on hold more than once. My driver could not be located. Minutes ticked by. It was now 2:15. I'm a slow walker, but I can get to the bus stop in probably less than ten minutes. The key is that I need help to get there. I could walk it myself if I didn't have luggage with me.

Thank goodness my co-worker saved the day. She had seen me waiting while she was out for a walk on break, and told me to text her if my ride didn't arrive. She has helped me walk down there previously. We didn't plan to walk yesterday because rain was possibly threatening, and because my co-worker is recovering from an upper respiratory infection, and I didn't want to ask her to exert herself.

But I was desperate by this point. Ride shares are usually fast, but I was concerned they wouldn't be fast enough in this situation. Megabus isn't always on time, but they are usually more on time than Greyhound. And if you are not there for check-in, they can sell your seat to someone else. Megabus is a popular bus service, and there are usually stand-by passengers for the trips to Houston.

All's well that ends well. My co-worker saw my text, hurried right down, and we walked to the station. We arrived in time for me to get checked in and use the restroom before I boarded the bus. I think I did pretty well with staying calm in such a stressful situation. Unfortunately getting stuck on hold with Metro Access had run my phone battery down. I didn't think to grab my charger; it was in my suitcase. So I had a long, boring ride to Houston since I couldn't watch any shows or read or listen to music. I didn't want to run the risk of my phone dying. The ride was longer than usual because there was a bad accident on highway 290, about 45 minutes from my stop in Houston.

Still, I was just grateful to be on the bus. Dealing with a boring ride was worth it.

I did feel bad that I had to hang up on the Metro Access dispatcher. I hope that they didn't spend too long trying to find me. I didn't really have a choice. She had left me on hold and I had to go. I guess I could have stayed on hold and walked at the same time, but I chose not to do that. That would not have been easy from a physical standpoint. And it would have meant I was having to ignore my co-worker who was helping me. So I hung up and did what I had to do. I will be calling on Monday to complain about what happened, and make sure they didn't give me a no-show for this trip. What transpired was absolutely not my fault.

librarianintx

Physical Therapy

I started physical therapy in January, and I haven't missed a week, even when I was injured or not feeling well. Most days I drag myself in after work and a long Metro Access ride. The sessions aren't easy. I do leg lifts wearing four pound weights, heel raises, getting up and down from a chair, balance exercises, stationary bike, and table exercises: clams, bridges, and leg raises with one pound weights. The leg raises on the table and the bike are the toughest parts of therapy for me. My legs are yelling at me and feel like jelly when I'm done. I leave feeling worn out, hungry, and thirsty, but also pleased at what I've been able to accomplish so far. It all feels good, even though it's tough.

My goals with physical therapy are muscle strength maintenance, balance improvement, and weight bearing exercises to hopefully keep from my osteoporosis from getting worse. I plan to continue the therapy indefinitely. Perhaps at some point I will drop down to maybe once every two weeks. But I'm definitely in it for the long haul. It's a long day when I go to therapy, but I'm pleased with the results so far.

I'm surprisingly compliant with doing the exercises at home, but I need to be more consistent. It's difficult to have the time and energy to do all the exercises every day. I'm supposed to do them twice a day, but it's tough. I have very little time in the morning, and very little energy remaining by the end of the day. So I need to work on consistency. I also need to do more walking, and maybe get back into swimming this summer.

I also need to work on the critical voice in my head - the one that keeps telling me I can't do it, it's too hard, I'm not going to get through it and will have to give up - not completely, just that particular day. When I'm doing my five minutes on the bike, I don't focus on the time, because if I look at the clock I keep trying to convince myself that it's too hard and I'm going to have to stop before the five minutes is up. I try to concentrate on positivity - telling myself that I can do it. I did it last week and I'll do it again this week. When I'm doing the balance exercises - standing in different positions on a big piece of foam, I work on meditation skills - willing myself to hold steady while not holding on to the bar. Again, I try not to look at the timer. I try to breathe and stay centered.

Yesterday at PT my therapist had me start on the table exercises as usual. But it was a busy time with several other patients in the work out area, and I had to lie on a table that was more in the middle of the room. I have a very hard time with middle of a room because of my inner ear disorder. I didn't want to lay down, get vertigo, and then not be able to get up by myself and start to panic. My therapist was working with two other people while I was there, so she couldn't stay with me. I tried to lay down and start my exercises, but I just couldn't do it. It was causing me too much anxiety.

My therapist saw me just sitting on the table, and asked me what was wrong, so I told her. She was great about it. She didn't force me to do it or make me feel like I was weird. She just said, "Let's do your other exercises and then maybe you can do the table work at the end of the session." And that's what happened. By the time I was ready for the laying down exercises, a table was available that was near a wall. I was able to lay down comfortably and complete my exercises. I didn't fail at my workout; I completed everything on the list for that day, and I didn't have to do anything that made me anxious or uncomfortable.

I'm feeling very good about physical therapy, and that gets me through it every week.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 4/4/19

Every week night I get my clothes ready for the next work day.
Clothes, food, purse, phone case
Often I get everything ready more than one day in advance.
For example, on Sunday night I might get stuff ready for Monday, Tuesday, and sometimes even Wednesday, depending on my schedule.
Being organized is a key to whatever sanity I have.

I'm a matchy matchy girl. I like my clothes, shoes, purse, and phone case to match.
I have a lot of clothes that I like to mix and match.
And I often pair up clothes so I don't have to change my purse and phone case every day.
For example, one day I'll wear a brown shirt and brown sweater with blue pants. The next day I'll wear a blue shirt and blue sweater with brown pants. Then I can either carry a brown purse or a blue purse. A brown phone case or a blue phone case.

Last night I readied a pair of jeans, light brown shirt and brown sweater, with brown socks, shoes, purse, and phone case.
Ready to go

But at 6:36 this morning, I decide the weather is going to be too warm for that brown sweater.
That's a winter sweater.
It's going to be 85 today.
My blue jacket is a better idea.
It's more light weight
Why didn't I figure this out last night?!?!

So at 6:36 am I'm changing to blue socks and blue shoes.
Okay, done
All good

I place my food in my lunch bag.
Put on my work badge and zip up my blue jacket.
I'm ready.

Then I look at my brown phone case.
Ugh.
Yes, it goes with my shirt.
Kind of
But the blue case would look better.

I hurry to my room, grab the blue phone case.
Switch out the phone, credit cards, Metro Access pass and ID, a few dollars.
Very good
Completed, and my ride hasn't arrived yet.
Oh wait
I have a blue case with a brown screen background.
That won't do.
Unlock the phone, open the Zedge app,
You don't have time to peruse, just choose a blue background!
Okay, I found one.
Set background.

Yes, I really am this anal.

Then I look at my brown purse, packed and ready to go.
Should I change to the blue purse?
Do I have time?
What if I'm in the middle of switching and my ride arrives?

I decide the brown purse will look fine with the brown shirt and blue jacket.
Somehow I figure all this out remarkably calmly.
When my ride arrives around 6:55, I'm happy with my ensemble.
I grab my things and head for the door.
These last-minute changes are not something I want to do daily, but at least it worked out for today.

librarianintx

Two great quotes

And this one (I couldn't copy and paste the image):
"The size of fear that stops you is going to determine the size of life you have."

Both quotes are so so true, especially for me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm tired even when I'm busy and enjoying my life, but it's a different kind of tired. It's a productive tired, a fulfilling tired, a tired that comes with being involved in meaningful activities that give you purpose in life. It's a different kind of tired than just going through the motions of an ordinary day and not doing what you enjoy and what is important to you. When I was too sick to do anything more than dragging myself to work and dragging myself home, the exhaustion was so acute and so depressive. I felt like I had no life. Even though I like my job, I was so tired and ill that my job didn't have as much meaning as it does now. I was just going through the motions.

I want to be doing even more now that I'm feeling better, but I constantly seek to have balance in my life. Keep busy, but not too busy. Have a social life, but make sure I still have the energy for my #1 priority: work. Engage in cultural, political, education activities when I can. Get enough rest, eat well, try to exercise. Keeping my anxiety in check as much as possible affords me added energy to do more with my life.

My goal in life is to crawl into bed every night feeling like I made good use of my existence. I was productive, I did good work, I fed my soul. I accomplished.

I know that fear holds me back in many ways, and my life is smaller because of those fears. I work on my fears and anxieties every day. Sometimes it's one step forward and one step back. But I keep trying. My physical and emotional issues related to public speaking are an area I very much want to work on and improve. My desires to be an advocate and leader in the disability community are thwarted by my fear and avoidance of public speaking.

Life is a process.
Every day.

librarianintx