Sugar

All the articles these days are screaming about how bad sugar is for you. Don't consume it, avoid it, rid it from your body.

I don't want to give up sugar, especially chocolate. I enjoy it. I look forward to my afternoon snack of cookies or brownies. I'm excited when co-workers occasionally bring in donuts, cookies, or cake to share. Sometimes I pause and wonder if I should be eating sugar so early in the day. I realize that the treat will probably make me hyper and then I'll crash later. But I eat the donut, cookie, or cake anyway. Sometimes as early as 8 am.

I don't feel like I'm addicted to sugar. I occasionally go for a day without some form of chocolate. Sometimes I don't have time for a snack. I don't believe I have withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. I just enjoy chocolate. I would miss it if I gave it up. I have no desire to do that. But I want to be healthy.

I have a very close friend who is the healthiest person I know. He is a vegan. He does not smoke or drink. And he does not eat any kind of sugar. No refined sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, nothing. And no aspartame of course. I respect him, I am in awe of his self-control. But I don't want to limit myself that way, even though part of me does want to because I want to be healthy as I can.

Is sugar actually that bad for you? we've been consuming sugar for centuries. Why is there is much negativity about it lately?

Maybe at some point I'll try to eliminate sugar from my diet. If I ever become diabetic, I would have to make dietary changes. My mom is now pre-diabetic, and she has made many changes to her diet, although she has not given up sugar completely. She has cut down on sugar, and is severely limiting her carb intake.

But for now, I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can. I know I need to eat less bread and carbs, and more vegetables and fruit. And I need to get more exercise.

Having said all this, I really want an oreo. :) I've had two today, but I want another one. 

I feel like I have good self-control, but not when it comes to chocolate.

librarianintx

Dreams

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. I've been blessed with remarkably good sleep for a number of years, even with my need for nighttime ventilation ( a bipap machine), so my sleep struggles have obviously been difficult to deal with. I usually fall asleep quickly, but I've been waking up at various times in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. Sometimes this is due to stomach aches and indigestion most likely caused by the bipap. Other times I'm waking up because the bipap mask is leaking air, or is causing discomfort because I have it on too tight. And then sometimes I'm waking up from bad dreams.

I don't need a therapist to tell me why I'm suffering from bad dreams. The dreams vary from simply wacky to downright scary, but they all have a common theme: a complete lack of control.

I don't always remember the dreams the next day, but some of them are so unnerving that they stay with me for much of the next day. But I don't usually remember them for more than a day, luckily. Still, the feeling of not having control in my life is something that is not just occurring in my dreams.

Last night the dream was just more odd than scary. Some woman I didn't know was eating my food. I don't know where I was, or where the food came from. I just know it was my food, and the woman was eating it. And I kept yelling at her and begging her not to eat my food, and she just kept calmly eating it. And the more she ate, the more frustrated and upset I became. But I couldn't do anything to stop her. She completely ignored me.

So I followed her to her house, after she finished eating my food. And I kept asking her why she did it, but she never answered me. When we got to her house, she cooked a big batch of something with shrimp in it; some kind of shrimp stir fry. And it smelled delicious. She offered me some, but I didn't eat it, because I was still mad at her. And then I woke up.

Yesterday was a nice day. I went to a friend's birthday gathering, and then another friend came over for the evening. I don't have many opportunities to be social these days, so I was happy to spend time with people. Still, I always feel a certain lack of control in these situations. Because I don't drive, I couldn't decide what time I went to the party, and what time I came home. When you're at a party, you do what the majority wants to do, or what the party organizer wants to do. When the birthday boy wanted to watch some music videos by a very strange band, there isn't much you can do but sit there and watch. I mean, you can leave, except if you're me, you can't leave because the person you came with wasn't ready to leave. And later, back at home, you watch a show that you've never seen before and honestly don't care about, because that's what your friend wants to watch, and you know that she wouldn't be interested in what you would want to watch. 

I am a people pleaser, and I do what other people want to do, because I want them to be happy, and because I can't handle conflict. My needs, interests, and desires almost always take a backseat to what the people around me want. Obviously there is give and take in every relationship, and compromise is important. I'm not saying I should get my way every time. But I do think I should stand up for myself more, and say what I want and what I need. Most of the time it doesn't bother me to put myself second. I like making people happy, and keeping the peace. But I'm beginning to think that my people pleasing personality and not taking enough time for the hobbies and pursuits that I enjoy are affecting my dreams.

librarianintx

Spending Money

It's scary how much fun spending money can be. There can be a high associated with it. This year I have been more careful than ever with my money. I freaked out when our apartment complex increased our rent by $80 several months ago. I had been pinching pennies even before that, but when that happened I started spending even less. I keep a list every month of how much I spend and what I'm spending my money on. If I buy a bag of chips, I write it down.

I changed my buying habits at the grocery store. I purchase roma tomatoes now; they are the cheapest. Instead of saltines or Ritz, I buy a bag of oyster crackers for $1. HEB bread is cheaper than Mrs. Baird's. I try to buy only what I can eat in a week; I don't stock up. I make a list and I stick to it. I eat a lot of beans and rice. And hot cereal. When I cook, I make a pot of chili or spaghetti that will last me about a week. I eat out rarely if I'm paying. One thing I allow myself is a trip to Central Market, where I buy a prepared container of chicken salad, pasta salad, and fresh fruit. The container costs less than $6, and is the perfect size for me for lunch.

So I have been super careful so far this year. Plus I got a small raise at work, and I was scoring tests online for a few months to make some extra money. All of this has resulted in a savings every month. Some months I have been able to save several hundred dollars. That makes me feel proud and relieved. But it also makes me feel too comfortable, like it would be okay to maybe relax my strict spending a bit. I don't want to think that way. I want to continue saving. And I want to find more ways of making extra money.

I'm doing okay right now on a month to month basis. And I'm not completely denying myself. Not at all. I bought several dresses this summer. I've been out to eat a few times. I even bought an inexpensive netbook - my wonderful friends bought it and are letting me pay it off in monthly installments, which helps greatly. But I worry about if and when I have a big expense - if I get sick and need medicine, or a medical test, or even surgery. I just went to the dentist and was relieved that all was well - no cavities and the co-pay was wonderfully low. But anything can happen. I could fall and break something. I have insurance, but the cost would still be very high. So I have to remain vigilant.

But there is something else I want - a new i-pod. I had a great one, but it died, and for now I have a hand-me-down from my sister's family. It doesn't hold much music, won't sync audiobooks for some reason, and only holds a charge for about an hour. I told myself if I made some extra money this summer, and if I went to the dentist and all went well with that, then I would allow myself the luxury of a new i-pod. I DID make some extra money this summer, and I DID go to the dentist. I have more than enough saved this year to buy the i-pod. But I'm still nervous about making the purchase. What if I get it, and then something goes wrong and I need the money I just used for something frivolous? What if I buy it, and the excitement I derive from getting it for myself makes me want to spend money on other luxuries? I use my smartphone a lot and it is several years old; maybe I should spend the money on a new phone instead?

A top of the line i-pod is over $400. That is a lot of money to spend on myself. That is twice as much as the netbook I'm paying off. I have to remember that the holidays are approaching, plus two nieces are graduating from college soon, and one of those two nieces is also getting married next May. So a lot of gift-buying is in my fairly immediate future.

So there is both excitement and nervousness when it comes to money, and I'm working on finding a balance between saving and spending. I probably will get the i-pod. And I will feel happy and proud and guilty all at the same time. That's me!

librarianintx

My Everest

"We understand that not everybody can climb Everest; but everybody has an Everest to climb."

I would say I have several Everests in my life. To say I conquered one of them yesterday would be too much of a stretch, but I at least made some progress.

I went to the dentist.

To say going to the dentist is like climbing Mt. Everest sounds so absurd. For most people, a trip to the dentist is a normal part of health care. I don't know anyone who necessarily enjoys it, but you do it and it's not a big deal.

It's a big deal for me.

I have a long history with my mouth. Multiple tooth extractions, braces twice, gum surgery, major reconstructive jaw surgery in the attempt to correct a congenital deformity, and then at least two minor surgeries to remove infected (or presumed infected) hardwire from the jaw surgery. Along the way I encountered nice dental professionals and not-so-nice dental professionals. Surgeries, pain, hours in a dental chair, dealing with the various personalities of dental personnel, losing the ability to chew for a time, and a lifetime of unhappiness with my appearance have all resulted in a fairly significant dental phobia. Add to all that excess saliva as a by-product of weakened facial muscles from my neuromuscular disease which results in an aspiration concern, and dizzy spells when I'm leaned back in a chair from my inner ear disorder, and hopefully you get the picture of why a trip to the dentist is such a nervewracking experience for me. Finding a dentist and hygienist who can work with me and deal my issues has been a task years in the making.

I have seen a pediatric dentist since the age of ten. He saw me through all the rough years of braces and surgeries. His staff knew me and most of them were patient with me. But once I moved away to attend graduate school and eventually became a resident of Austin, getting back to Houston to see this dentist became a challenge. Plus, I had no dental insurance, so as an adult my visits were costing me $200+

Finally a few years ago, I set up dental insurance through work, and with much trepidation I made an appointment with a well-known dental chain. My main reasoning was that the dental office was about a mile from my apartment.

The exam, cleaning, and subsequent filing weren't a terrible experience. They tried to work with me. But I just did not feel comfortable there. So until yesterday I have not seen a dentist in probably two years or more.

A few months ago, I started researching dentists in the area. I performed a google search for the term "special needs dentist." I found several who mentioned patients with special needs on their web sites. Some were pediatric dentists; some were family dentists. Unfortunately, none of them accepted my insurance. At that point I was quite discouraged. I was psyching myself up to go, I was focusing on positivity, but since money is a big issue, I needed to find a dentist on my plan.

In the end, I took a shot in the dark, and hoped for the best. This dentist did not mention special needs on his web site, and I only found one review on the Internet about him, but it was a positive one. He is a private practice dentist, so I was hoping I would feel more comfortable with someone who was not part of a big, chain-style operation. I was hoping to avoid a large office where I was one of several people in a row of chairs in a huge room. My orthodontist's office is like that; luckily I do not have to see him often.

So long story short, I have a new dentist, and I am happy and relieved. I was the only patient during most of my time there, and the dentist performed the cleaning himself, with an assistant. The x-rays were as challenging as ever, but the rest of the appointment went very smoothly. The dentist was friendly and talkative, which made the time pass quickly, and for a first visit, after hours of agonizing anticipatory anxiety, I was remarkably calm during the cleaning. He adhered to my needs without needing a lot of explanation and seemingly with no impatience. He gave me enough opportunities to swallow, and he and his assistant did well with limiting the amount of water and instruments in my mouth. He was swift, but thorough, and not at all rough.

The further good news is that the co-pay was amazing low. At that price, and with the good level of care I received, plus my surprising comfort during the cleaning, at this point I plan to see him twice a year. A remarkable turn of events for me. I am very pleased. And proud of myself for making the appointment and being brave enough to follow through. For anyone else, it was a visit to the dentist, no big deal. For me, it was quite a mountain to climb. I arrived home worn out and a little dizzy, but definitely triumphant.

Have I conquered my dental phobia? As I stated at the beginning, I wouldn't say I reached the summit of this Everest. But maybe I'm close. I credit the dentist and his staff, who were patient and made me feel comfortable. I also need to credit myself, for focusing on the positive, and for persevering to find a dentist that is a good fit for me. I am finally realizing that even with all my issues, physical and emotional, I deserve to be treated well by health care professionals and their staff, and it is both my right and my responsibility to require nothing less than respect, understanding, and the best of their professional abilities.

librarianintx

What makes me happy

Many things make me happy:
A refreshing shower
Relaxing with a cup of tea and a book before bed
Being organized
Buying a new book with a gift card

and fun pictures of dogs, like this one...

You can't help but smile and giggle. He is currently my background picture on my work computer, and he makes me happy all day long.

This is what life is all about...finding what makes you happy, and surrounding yourself with what you enjoy.

librarianintx

A small accomplishment

I know my life would be more satisfying and fulfilling if I had more confidence in myself. Why do I have so little faith in my abilities? Why, for example, does a simple night out with friends become such a crisis for me? All day yesterday I tried to talk myself out of going to visit friends who are in town from California. I haven't seen them in at least three years. They are leaving today, so last night was our only opportunity.

"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."

On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.

And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.

I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up.  My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.

When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.

This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?

librarianintx

Quote

Saw this quote on Facebook last night, and it made me cry:

"I hope you know you're capable & brave & significant, even when you feel like you're not."

This pretty much sums up my life most of the time. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. But every day I get up and I keep trying. I search within myself for strength, strive for accomplishment, and yearn for balance and contentment. I understand that every day is a gift, and what I want most is to feel worthy and useful. Our time on earth is precious and limited, and I want to know I'm living a purposeful existence.

librarianintx