YES WE DID

Yes we did.

Slightly more than four years ago, I watched Barack Obama make his keynote address at the DNC for John Kerry. I had not heard of him before. After his speech, I stood up in my housemate's bedroom, tears in my eyes and pride in my heart, and declared "That man's going to be president. And I cannot wait!"

Turns out I didn't have to wait that long.

What a great night. Tuesday helped to lessen the pain of eight years ago, the stress of Florida and hanging chads and the Supreme Court decision. Of course I wanted Barack to take Ohio and Pennsylvania and Indiana, but more than anything else, I wanted him to take Florida. Florida was ours eight years ago, then it was stripped away, and I wanted it back. As it turns out, we didn't need Florida, and we didn't find out we had it until after we learned we won the whole country. So I guess for some it was anti-climatic that we took Florida. I was still excited.

We thought it was going to be a late night. But at 10:10 pm Central Time, that magic announcement flashed on our television screen. CJ and I hugged each other and hollered and broke open a bottle of sparkling apple cider for a toast. The phone calling began. The celebrating commenced. I asked CJ how he felt, and he answered simply, "I can breathe again."

to be continued...

good description

"...and the bottom line for me was if I wasn't healthy, everything in my life stopped, including my independence. Making my health my number one focus forced me to ask for what I needed. And do you know what happened? Instead of taking my usual ten steps forward and then twelve steps back, I slowly and steadily advanced by taking baby steps in every area of my life - my health, my finances, my relationships, and particularly my need to be creative."

Amy Elizabeth Alexander, Exceptional Parent magazine contributing editor

Regret

One of our friends' cats passed away two days ago; we got the news yesterday. This passing was especially hard because the cat was friends with our cat (if cats actually can be friends, lol). They played in the courtyard of our former apartment complex together, and they would have "play dates"; they would lay on my bed and nap together. Our friends moved to another state several years ago, so I haven't seen the cat in a long time, but I still feel the loss. And I wonder how our cat felt when our friends moved away. She is a completely indoor cat now, and doesn't have any friends. I don't let any other animals in the house, because I'm concerned she will mark her territory. She is definitely an alpha cat, and I know we could not bring another cat into the apartment to stay.

Whenever anyone in my life passes away, person or animal, I always feel huge amounts of regret, believing that I wasn't good enough or nice enough to them, didn't help them enough or spend enough time with them. I replay in my mind the times that I was hard on them or fought with them or ignored them. I know it will be very difficult when our cat dies. This is my first time to raise a cat, and I have made many mistakes. She is stubborn, as all cats are, and unfortunately she also seems to have a mean streak. Maybe I caused her to develop that, I don't know. But I have been very hard on her sometimes, and she has been hard on me. She has mellowed as she's aged, and we have lovely times together. She sits on my lap sometimes. And she gets in bed with me every night; I fall asleep petting her as she curls up against my leg. CJ and I lovingly tease her about laying in the hallway between our rooms, and standing at the refrigerator door waiting for wet food. We have good times with her. But unfortunately, there has been a lot of bad times as well.

Our friends' cat was six months younger than our cat. Our cat just passed her tenth birthday. I was very busy around the time of her birthday, and have only recently realized that I completely forgot to celebrate her birthday. Ten years is a milestone, and yes, she is *only* a cat, but I still feel I should have done something. She would have liked a toy. If I had sung "Happy Birthday" to her, though, she probably would have bitten me. She hates it when I sing. Can't blame her on that one.

librarianintx

A pioneer in the field

Harriet McBryde Johnson died yesterday:

http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jun/05/harriet_mcbryde_johnson_dies43458/

An example of a life lived fully, in truth, fearlessly. Lawyer, author, speaker, civil and disability rights activitist. Even though I may not have always agreed with her, she was an important voice for our cause.

librarianintx

Sober

No, this post isn't about me "being on the wagon." :-) Actually, I don't drink at all. This is about the song I'm currently addicted to: Kelly Clarkson's "Sober." I'm still addicted to Natasha Beddingfield's "Unwritten" as well, and I also totally love Madonna's "Four Minutes" too.

"Sober"....wow. What emotion in that song! Its one of the reasons I love love love Kelly Kelly Kelly. She was my American Idol before Clay, and I still adore her. I just can't go to her concerts because they are SO LOUD! She's loud, the band is loud, unfortunately its just too much for me. I saw her and Clay together in 2004, and the difference in their sound was pronounced even then. I can only imagine how loud she is now. I don't even need earplugs at a Clay concert, and I really appreciate that. I want my hearing for as long as I can keep it.

Anyway, she might be too loud for me in concert, but I can listen to her songs all day (set at a comfortable level) The passion and the heart and soul that she puts into her music is so amazing; there's no "phoning it in" with Kelly. Its interesting because she comes across in interviews as this bubbly, carefree, chatty, sunny girl, and the majority of her songs are so full of pain, angst, agony, and heartbreak. "Sober" is a song about her surviving a devastating break-up. She starts out with a quiet melody, and the song builds as it goes along. By the end she is screaming. "Three months and I'm still sober....Three months and I’m still breathing...Three months and I still remember it...Three months and I wake up..."

I haven't ever had anyone break up with me, but that doesn't mean I don't resonate with those feelings. I've never been in a real romantic relationship, but I have felt the pain of love lost. I know what its like to wonder how you are still functioning with all the hurt you're carrying.

librarianintx

Fear

I have a severe weather phobia.
I have had it pretty much all my life.
I am so tired of it.

I was born in Florida. The land of daily summer electrical storms. No one else in my family has this phobia. It wasn't passed down to me. I just developed it, and I have not yet been able to overcome it, although some years have been worse than others. It alters my life.

When I was younger, I would get hysterical during a storm. I would run from window to window, screaming. When I was really little, I would hide under my high chair.

In elementary school, I would find excuses not to go outside for recess or P.E. if I thought a storm was coming. One time we were outside for P.E. and the sky started to turn dark. The teacher didn't feel it was necessary to go inside. I asked to go to the restroom. When I got inside, it started pouring. The storm wasn't severe, but my class had to stay under the covered basketball area for what seemed like a long time. They thought it was fun. I was so relieved that I was inside and not trapped outside in the weather.

I live in Texas, so I have been through my share of storms. Apparently I went through an actual tornado when I was about four or five years old, but I don't remember. All the other times have been funnel clouds overhead, or straight line winds. I have never been injured due to weather. I have never been anywhere that sustained damage during severe weather, except for rumors of a few windows breaking in a dorm in graduate school. My roommate's grandfather was killed in a tornado in Illinois. I never met him. Oh, and my sister and brother-in-law's light fixtures in one of their bathrooms fell during a possible tornado in their neighborhood about fifteen years ago. They were not home at the time.

My point is, I have been through quite a few storms in my life, including two hurricanes and a few tropical storms, and nothing has ever happened to me. The probability of something happening to me is really quite small, especially since I'm usually not out in a storm. But the low probability doesn't help my phobia, unfortunately. I'm still scared.

Not much seems to help. I feel like I have tried everything. I am frustrated.

I am not as bad as I could be. I do leave the house on possible bad weather days. I don't hide in the closet all day. But I do check the online weather sites continuously on such days. Actually, I usually start a day or two before the bad weather is predicted. That is one of the most annoying features of my phobia. I can understand being afraid if the weather is imminent, but why do I get so freaked out a day or two beforehand? Sometimes forecasts change, and sometimes storms lose their punch before they even reach my area.

The absolute worst part for me is the fear of being alone during a severe storm. I really just can't do it. I am so much better if I am with someone during a storm. Having people around keeps me calm. Being in a big building where I can't see and hear what's happening is even better. My heart still pounds and I have trouble sitting still and concentrating and eating. But being alone is the worst.

I have improved in some areas. I am no longer afraid of ordinary thunderstorms. I have been able to pinpoint the crux of my fear. I am not really afraid of thunder, lightening, or hail. I am afraid of wind, tornadoes, and the darkness of a severe thunderstorm.

We have a chance of severe thunderstorms tonight. I was already afraid yesterday and am still today. Its only a slight chance, and that does make me feel a little better. I am really really trying to stay calm. I know that fear and anxiety aren't healthy for me. I have been doing so well at lessening my anxiety in other areas, and I am so much happier because of it. I am able to do so much more than I used to be able to. But the weather thing...I just can't seem to get past it. I am able to function, but barely. It definitely takes a toll on me, physically and emotionally. It takes a toll on my relationships as well. I ask the people in my life all the time to "save me" from the storm. I need to learn to save myself.

I have learned that you can't force anxiety to go away; anger and frustation directed at fear only makes the fear more tenacious. You have to allow the anxiety to exist, and that actually takes some of its power away. I am also working on recognizing and then reversing the physical symptoms of the phobia. When I hear the wind start to howl or the sky begin to darken, that is when the heart really starts to pound. So I try to calm myself down. Breathe. Relax. I am going to be okay. I try not to look out the window. I put on earphones or turn the tv up.

I was hoping that writing about it would help. Maybe it has. But I'm still thinking about it. I'm still scared. I'm just so tired of this. Its so useless. Worry is the most useless emotion there is. I keep scouring the Internet, looking for information that's going to help, that's going to make me feel better. I have found some, but not enough. I look to the people in my life to save me. I am running, always running from this fear. Phobias are all about a lack of control. I cannot control the weather. I can only control my reactions to it. If only I could.

librarinintx

Sins, part 2

It took me so long to work on my earlier blog that I had to leave for a party before it was done, and I was afraid I would lose it, so I posted it. Let me see if I can succinctly make my point (yeah, right) :)

My mother was not given adequate information and support. My sister was not given adequate information and support as a sibling of a person with a disability. My sister's husband of now twenty plus years is a healthy, adventurous, fun-loving man with a low tolerance for "whiners and worriers." I endured three very difficult trips to stay with my sister and brother in law when they lived out of state shortly after they were married. Even though life and our relationships have changed over the years, I still refuse to spend even a night at their house because of what transpired more than twenty years ago, even though they have three daughters now and live only about ten minutes from my mother's house. I visit them all the time when I am in town, we are close, but I do not spend the night. I do not give them that much power over me.

Which brings me to the parents of Ashley X. Obviously what that child has endured far and away exceeds anything that I have experienced. That should go without saying. Yet I do not consider her parents to be monsters. I can understand on an intellectual level that they love their child and believe they did what was best for her. What I cannot understand is how doctors, and how society, can believe that what was done to her was okay. Yes, it is the sins of the parents because they are the ones that pushed for all of this. But its also the sins of the doctors who said yes, who not only AGREED to these surgical procedures and medical interventions, but BELIEVED that they were the right course to take. And it is the sins of society, who should step up and say, "This isn't right, this shouldn't be done, this is a child who has a right to her body, a right to keep her female organs, a right to grow to normal height and weight, and instead of stunting her growth and taking out her organs to keep her small and lightweight, let's help these parents, lets give them personal assistants and respite care and teach them how to care for their daughter that will prevent injury to themselves and still allow them to lead as normal a life as possible."

There is good and bad in everyone. We are not one-dimensional beings. We can, and often do, change and grow. My relationship with my family is good now, for the most part. That does not mean that I forget what happened in the past. But I can understand it better now.

librarianintx

Sins of family or society?

I had intended to blog about my milestone birthday, but I'll get to that.

I saw an article online the other day about the Ashley X saga. It was an update of sorts, with the family emailing CNN to let them know that their "pillow angel" is doing well, and they consider all that they had done to their daughter to be both a success and hopefully an example to other families who want similar treatments for their children.

The article outlines the controversy without reaching a definitive conclusion on "rightness" or "wrongness." Interestingly, I had not heard before that one of the doctors who authorized the treatment has committed suicide. A friend of the family says it was not because of the Ashley treament.

I bring this up because as you know if you have read my blog before, I have strong opinions on this subject. But I also bring this up because of a meeting I was at yesterday. I am a member of an advisory board that assists a domestic violence organization with issues relating to persons with disabilities. This domestic violence organization does amazing work period, and their work in the field of disabilities is especially exemplary. They assist individuals who are victims of abuse (spouse, caregiver, attendant, family, or institutional) and they also train service providers and other domestic violence organizations staff on how to effectively assist individuals with disabilities who have disabilities.

In the meeting yesterday we were discussing information provided by participants of a series focus groups on both abusive and healthy relationships. The staff person was outlining a list of abuses that people discussed in the groups. The members of our meeting were shocked and upset by much of what we heard, myself included. However, as the staff person continued talking, I realized with surprise that many of these activities were done to me as a child and teenager. I have never thought of myself as a victim or family members as perpetrators, and I still really can't. And I can definitely say that I what I experienced was very mild compared to what other people with disabilities go through. The fact is, it still happened. And while I am so grateful that I am finally coming to terms with my past and learning to move on from it, I wish I had been able to forge ahead years ago. I have spent way too many years lost in fear, anxiety, and worry.

So which parts of the list did I identify with?
1) threats of being put in a mental institution (due to ongoing phobias)
2) denial of disability
3) denial of possible serious illness
4) lack of nutrition
5) refusal to provide or use assitive devices
6) recklessness when using assistive devices
7) teasing about appearance
8) being labeled lazy or stupid in response to fatigue issues

Yes, this was done by family members. And of course I blame them for their actions. But I know they are not evil, hateful people. My family loves me. What I am realizing now is that they did what they did because of ignorance, not because of ill will. Ignorance and fear and frustration. My mother didn't do what she did because she didn't love me. She did it because she was ill-prepared to be a widow at the age of thirty-six, raising two daughters, one of which has a disability. She did it because even though the extended family tried to provide assistance, she was still faced with big economic and social pressures. She didn't know about services that were available to assist me until I was nearly out of high school.

Update on the "fierce boy"

Yes, I'm sad. Danny got voted out. But I expected it. I had a lot of respect for Chekezie last night, as he unabashedly hugged and comforted a shaking and tearful Danny for much longer than most men would have done. Ryan called him, "One of the most courageous performers we've had on this show," and Danny got to strut his stuff one more time without being played off. I wish he could have at least lasted a few more weeks so he could have made the tour, but it was not to be. I hope good things happen for Danny in the future.

librarianintx

My "fierce boys" of reality tv

Yea Christian from Project Runway!! Here are some comments I made on a message board about him:

I love Christian from Project Runway too; I'm so glad he won. I think he's adorable and I love his "chutzpah." I got all misty eyed when he started crying. I honestly don't think that show is about making clothes for "everyday women." Its about high fashion and coutre (spelling?), and I think most of us would never imagine wearing the clothes these designers create. Items created for the runway are the kinds of things someone like Christian creates: dramatic, intricate, artistic, and yes, over the top. Honestly, I wish he had used more color in his designs. But I thought the two-toned dress at the end was absolutely amazing. And I thought he was spectacular all season. I thought he definitely deserved to win.

It was actually a shock to me that Christian is as popular as he is; I was very surprised that he won the fan favorite award. He looked stunned as well! I thought liking him would put me in the minority (I'm used to that.) I thought his attitude would turn people off. But I've been intrigued all season with the juxtaposition of his "puppy dog" eyes and his "fierceness," how he can be helpful one minute and so caustic the next, and the final episode really got me with his anxiety and tears at the end. I think for all of his brashness and "I'm the best" attitude, I think he was really afraid at the end that he would be runner-up. And I was afraid he would be as well, because my favorite usually does come in second place. :-)

My other "fierce boy" of the moment...Danny Noriega from American Idol. With this one I think I'm definitely in the minority. Many comments on message boards find him annoying, rude, and not a good enough singer. I think he's interesting, funny, and talented...not the best singer in the competition, but definitely not the worst. Again, like Christian, I see a very complex personality. He's got a ton of moxie, and a "devil may care" attitude, but there is a vulnerability in his eyes, if you look beyond the pout and the head snaps. I agree with Randy that he is holding back vocally; he needs to channel some of that uber confidence he displays in his performance to his voice. Usually I am highly irritated when contestants yap back to Simon, but I find Danny and Simon's exchanges highly entertaining. And Danny's wilting "mmm mmm" comment to Ryan about not noticing the purple streaks in his hair was the funniest moment on that show in a long time. On the other end, I got choked up witnessing Danny's tears when the girls were eliminated last week. All for show? Could be. But it got to me.

Usually I really can't stand self-centered, "full of themselves" people. But I think that's the point I'm trying to make. I think Christian and Danny come across that way to a lot of people, but I just don't see them that way. I see them as unique and complex individuals. I also have respect for the fact that they aren't afraid to be themselves. I think because in many ways I fear showing my true self to the world, as I get older I am intrigued by people who put themselves out there and have such personal conviction. I am especially amazed that they are so young. But some would say that is part of their problem; they are impetuous and have no respect for authority. One person on a message board said Danny wouldn't last a day in a recording studio with his attitude. She could be right. I guess all I can say at this point is that I am enjoying watching and seeing what happens next. Christian and Danny definitely live up to my definition of reality tv. They are talented and entertaining. Go boys! Ya'll are FIERCE!

librarianintx

Liars Club

I just find it a sad commentary on life when people feel they have to lie to get what they want. And then when they're caught, they very rarely take responsibility. They usually say, "I wasn't aware," "I didn't realize," "I never meant to mislead," "I didn't understand."

Please.

Two cases currently in the news. Well, actually they're a bit old now. But anyway. I'm not going to provide links because probably by the time I find links they'll be outdated by tomorrow. But the first case is the contestant from "Survivor," the school cafeteria worker. Denise. On the "Survivor" live reunion show, she told the audience that she had been demoted to school janitor when she returned from the show, because she was "too famous." I watched the show. And I felt sorry for her. She painted herself as a hard worker, trying to make ends meet for her husband and kids. She played on the sympathy of the audience and the producers of the show, talking about having to clean toilets, and how the job made her feel emotionally. At every reunion show now, the viewers at home vote to give someone $100,000 as the "fan favorite" of the season. Denise was in the top 3 for the award, but she didn't win. When they returned from commercial, Jeff announced that the series creater, Mark Burnett, was "so touched" by Denise's story that he was writing her a check for $50,000. Denise beamed. The audience cheered. Denise's family looked like they were crying. A Hallmark moment.

Except the story was a lie. Oh, Denise really did become a janitor for the school. But she REQUESTED the job change, BEFORE she left for the show. The janitor job pays more than the lunch lady job. She wasn't demoted. She made the choice to take the job.

Did she really think the truth wouldn't come out? Did she think she could lie on national television, and her employers wouldn't be watching? So the truth came out, and Denise released a statement, saying she "didn't intend to mislead anyone." She also said she was planning to donate the money to charity. Goody for her, but is that supposed to make up for what she did? What kind of example is she setting for her children?

Which is a great segue for story #2. Short and sweet. A little girl wanted to see Hannah Montana in concert. A company was sponsoring an essay contest and the winner won two tickets and a makeover. The little girl wrote the essay about her father, a soldier who had been killed in Iraq.

Yep. Her father was not dead and not in the military. Her mother admitted helping her write the essay. Her excuse. "We didn't know it had to be a true story."

The prize was awarded to another girl. But this child lost a lot more than concert tickets. I can appreciate that the mother wanted to see her daughter's dreams come true. But to make her daughter complicit in any kind of lie, and especially in one of such magnitude....I just feel so badly for that child. I can only imagine what kind of torment she is facing, at school and in her neighborhood.

I guess that's one of the major problems in our society. People act first and think later. They want what they want and they go after it no matter what the consequences. And they don't consider the collateral damage...to their communities...their families...their children.

librarianintx

O Iowa

Its OBAMA time in Iowa!!

I haven't blogged about Obama before? I know I've journaled about him. His speech at the DNC made me stand up in the middle of my roommate's bedroom and applaud. Without a doubt he is the politician of my life. I have never been so interested in seeing someone get elected, although I did stay up until 4 am when Gore "won" in 2000. I would like to get involved in his campaign, and maybe now that I'm feeling better I'll be able to. Last night was quite exciting. I know its "only the Iowa Caucus." There is still a lot of time for anything to happen. But history WAS made last night. And I loved watching it happen. He is such a brilliant speaker. Of course I worry about his inexperience. And to be perfectly honest I have expected more of him from the debates. But like I said, there is still time. He's got huge momentum, and he needs to maintain it. Next stop: New Hampshire!

librarianintx