Appreciation

I consider it a successful day when I can walk into work this morning with someone I consider an important person in the building, and have my hair combed, my face washed, and at least a clean shirt on my body. So my day thus far has been successful.

Yesterday my team leader at work, who is one of the nicest people I have ever met, and I have met many nice people, asked me some questions about appreciation. She had recently attended a managers seminar and I was her "guinea pig" to try out a concept. She was asking me what my supervisor(s) / fellow employees could do to show that they appreciate me and the work that I do.

The question and answer time turned into more of a therapy session. That's not too shocking for me. I have often felt that I needed to fork over payment to quite a few co-workers and friends for listening to me drag out, sort, wash, dry, and fold laundry in various stages of cleanliness. But even I was a bit surprised by some of my comments. I told her that I didn't really need appreciation in the workplace. I'm always happy to receive it, its always special to me, but I don't want to need it or crave it. I want appreciation to come from within. I want to feel good about what I do internally. I don't want to expect appreciation.

I have someone in my life who is quite demanding of appreciation, and her expectations always seem to fall short of reality. So she lets everyone know that she never gets the reaction that she feels she deserves. Its very sad to me. I don't want to live my life that way. When I do something for someone, I want it to be because I wanted to do it, not because I want the gratitude that I feel should be an outcome of the good deed. I want to do something because I enjoy it and because it makes me feel good inside and because it will make the other person happy, more comfortable, less stressed, etc. But not because I'm expecting or craving compliments or appreciation.

I am extremely accomplishment-oriented, and on a daily basis its hard for me to feel like I've been useful or purposeful with the gift of life that I am so grateful to have. Nearly every day I say to myself, There is another day gone by when I didn't do all these things that I wanted to do. I didn't read, I didn't journal, I didn't help anyone, I didn't learn anything, I didn't try to do something that scared or intimidated me, I didn't find my courage, I didn't use my voice like the people I admire do. I didn't work on becoming that strong person that I want to be. But then I try to say to myself, I did more than I think I did. I may not have started the great American novel today, or volunteered at a homeless shelter, or advocated for equality, or helped build a house. But I got out of bed. I made the effort to make it to work, where I have the opportunity to make someone's life a little easier. And maybe along the way, I told a joke that made someone smile. Maybe I used my voice to say a racial slur offended me. Maybe I gave advice to someone who is going through something that I have been through. Maybe the positives and negatives of my life have the power to educate others. And likewise, I learn from the classroom that is the lives of the people I come into contact with. And then I use the power of the written word to convey it to anyone who happens to stumble across my tiny corner of the W-E-B.

I think I may have mentioned before that "CJ" is a singer. This morning I heard him singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" in my head as I travelled to work. That made me smile. Anything that can make me feel good on a weekday morning is a blessing. He is gift, and his voice is a gift.

Vacation, all I ever wanted

"Vacation, all I ever wanted...
Vacation, had to get away...."

Yes, I am a child of the 80's. For the most part, a teenager of the 80's. And since our society recycles decades, the 80's have come back around anyway.

A vacation isn't all I ever wanted, and I didn't have to get away, but it does feel good to have a few days off and be in a different place. I am visiting the family. I'm very grateful that I have family to visit, and I am not unhappy to be here. A vacation of my dreams would be more like a lakehouse, or some kind of plush safari (no roughing it), but I am definitely not complaining about where I am and what I'll be doing in the next few days. I get to spend time with my precious nieces who are rapidly approaching teenager status (one of them is already there but she still likes me), I get to go shopping and hang out with my Mom (and fellow Claymate), and I get to spend time with friends that I don't get to see very often. I bet more shopping will be in order with them. There goes that tutor money I had saved up.

*off for lunch and probably a nap*

Gratitude list

My gratitude list for this morning:

1) sleep
2) air conditioning
3) not currently residing anywhere in the Middle East
4) motivation

and reason 5)
We FINALLY have a title for the new album!!!!!!!!!!

Another title revealed for me. I am a Claymate. I love Clay Aiken. I have loved him from the beginning of American Idol. I could talk about him all day. But I won't. At least not today.

We have been waiting and waiting AND WAITING for news. It finally came late last night. The name:

A Thousand Different Ways

I like it.

Shiny, happy people

"Feigning Normality: The Sweater Girl Lifetime Original Picture."

Its something everyone does at some point in their lives, I'm sure. Feigning normality. Some people do it a lot. Do I do it a lot?

I went to an InterFaith Community Service about a month ago. Over fifty clergy of a variety of faiths. It was wonderful. A rabbi gave the main address, the sermon if you want to call it that. I'm rarely good at concentrating on speeches, but he said something that seems to be changing my life. For most of my life I have often felt so angry at G-d...for taking my father when I was nine years old, for making my mother's life hard, for making my life hard. Even as I tried to be a good Jew (another title revealed), I struggled with anger. I can't say I don't anymore. But when Rabbi Baker said, "G-d isn't trying to hurt us...he suffers along with us," that reached me. Now when I start to get angry, I let those words wash over me. They comfort me. I don't feel so alone.

I know there are many many people suffering much more than me. I am so very grateful for what I can do and what I have and who chooses to be in my life. Still, there are days when my corner doesn't see a lot of sunlight.

My family plays the pain competition game. Feel sorry for me. I'm sick, I'm depressed, I have a hurt toe, everything went wrong today, we need to talk about me. A family member's favorite expression is, "Well, don't feel like the lone ranger," as she launches into her perils and maladies of the day. I adore games, but I detest the pain competition game. I was a contender when I was younger. Quite experienced at that one. But now, I ain't playin'.

I understand why she does it though. I don't like it but I comprehend it. She wants someone to listen. She wants someone to care. I do my best to listen. And I always care. But it probably doesn't come across that way very often. Especially given what I've just said. But I do care. Immensely.

*Searching for that sunshine on a cloudless Monday*...

a Sunday in July

Today is one of those odd days for me, when I feel at the same time both a little out of sorts and yet quite contented at the same time. In many ways it is a quiet Sunday afternoon, a comfortable time for me. Nowhere I have to go; nothing that I absolutely have to do. My roommate is studying at the dining room table; our cat is napping somewhere in my room; the only noise in the apartment is coming from the hum of the dryer and my fingers tapping on the keys. A day of few responsibilities, no pressure or stress to go anywhere or do anything. A lazy summer day. It feels good. And at the same time, it doesn't. I'm having trouble concentrating. I can't seem to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes. I read a page or two of a book. I watch a few minutes of a show. I search the 'Net. Nothing holds my attention.

I am hurting a lot today. Unfortunately, I am able to focus on that. I am looking for a successful diversion.

I was thinking the other day about titles. We all have them. I think most of us have multiple ones. I think its a good idea, when you're feeling down, and you don't think that you're getting anywhere in life, you should think about all the titles you have. It will help you realize that your life matters and there are people who care about you. For example, here are my titles: Daughter, Sister, Sister-in-law, Aunt, Cousin, Niece, Friend, Librarian, Teacher, Tutor, Roommate, Mother (to a cat, that counts), Message Boarder, now a Blogger, and as of this past Friday, a Trainer. I have other titles too, but I'll reveal those later. I should also include Student, because we are all learning throughout our lives.

I acquired the title of Trainer this past Friday because I began training two people at my work. I'll reveal more on this later. I'm not happy about the reason why I'm doing the training, but I will say it was pretty cool to be doing it. It was nice to be able to show what I know. For a lot of my life, people didn't listen to what I had to say, didn't believe me when I said something, and didn't seem to care about what was important to me or what I was good at. So even though I was a little nervous, and it was a bit exhausting, at the end of the day it felt good that I made the extra effort to look professional on a Friday, and show two people, both of them higher on the food chain than me at work, that I can do the work that I was hired to do.

"Tiny Victories: The Sweater Girl's Lifetime Original Picture"
Another inside joke here. I watch a fair amount of Lifetime movies, and some of them have pretty bizarre titles, like "She Woke Up Pregnant." "CJ" and I laugh about it, and have started coming up with our own titles. That one I just did. Our usual one is: "Moments of Evil," with someone's name after it. Yesterday I even did one about our kitchen trash can: "Back in the Closet: The Sweater Girl and 'CJ's' Trash Can Lifetime Original Picture."

Find a reason to laugh at least once a day. Its my tip for the day.

Second time as good as the first?

Yes....I think so. :-)

Ohhhhh....I'm looking around my new home here, and I just discovered text colors. I LIKE text colors. I like colors. Most of them anyway. I am a pink person. The layout of my blog is the closest I could get to pink. I think its actually more of a lavender. I don't know, I'll have to see it again. I only saw it briefly this morning, and I was in a rush because I was at work and I'm not supposed to be using the Internet for personal stuff.

I'm working on that.

There is no pink text color here. But that's okay, because it probably wouldn't show up anyway.

ANYWAY. Enough about colors. My plan for this blog is to talk about topics that are important to me, and hopefully be able to inform people who happen to slide in for a visit. Because you see, I'm a librarian. We like to inform. And help. I think you will see that my interests are quite varied, as are my opinions. I'll include those too, possibly more than you would like.

I'll start off with a quick review of the book I just finished reading:

LOVED IT!!!!!

Oops, I should probably give you the title: Memoirs of a Geisha. Yes, you're right, I'm about two years behind the geisha craze. At least I finally got there. That was one of the best books I have ever read. I could not put it down. I could sit here at the keyboard and compose a scholarly review, but I'm not going to. Just get the book and read it. It seriously rocks. I don't want to say anything else, so I won't give anything away. Just read it. And yes, I plan to see the movie, and yes, I know the movie is not as good as the book, but I want to see the movie anyway.

Quit reading my blog and go get that book. I would loan you my copy, but I've already loaned it to my co-worker. She asked first. Sorry.

I could talk about the book I'm reading now, but I'll save that for another time. I think I've blabbed enough for this entry.

Oh wait...the origin of Sweater Grrl. That is one of the nicknames bestowed upon me from my friend (and roommate) "CJ" (you'll be hearing a lot about him, so get used to it.) We went to graduate school together, and I would always get cold in the classes, so even when it was like August and freakin' hot in Texas, I would be wearing a sweater with shorts. Voila...Sweater Grrl. We have a friend, "KJ" (no relation to "CJ") who also went to grad school with us. She carried a backpack with her a lot, so "CJ" called her Backpack Woman. Backpack Woman and Sweater Grrl...can you tell that one of his favorite things is comics?

Should I post a picture? Something to consider for next time. *waves*

My first time

OMG...its my first post on my very own blog. I am finally a blogger. A new title I now have. And if I don't keep this short, I'm going to acquire another title: unemployed. So I shall say goodbye now and post again later, with more info about moi. Until then, stay tuned!

Librarian in Texas

BTW, you want to know where I got the title "Sweater Grrl?" You'll have to check back to find out!