I think my long-term goals are simple, and certainly achievable:
1) Be motivated
Motivation leads to productivity. Motivation lessens or even eliminates procrastination. Productivity usually results in success. So if I can muster motivation, then procrastination will be no longer hinder me, and I will find the success that means so much to me.
2) Create balance
I am working hard on this one. I desire to find balance between helping others, which feels right and good to me, and making enough time in the day for myself and what I enjoy. If I use all my energy and hours doing for others, then I fear I will become frustrated and resentful. I need to continue discovering what I like to do, and make space in my life for those endeavors. I also need to achieve balance between work and play, and between rest and activity.
3) Live in the moment
This is my mantra now. When I begin to ruminate about the future, or obsess about the past, I say out loud to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Be in the here and now. And right this minute, you are fine. You are okay."
4) Avoid comparisons
Hard to do when you are raised by a parent who makes it her life's work to draw comparisons. My hair will never be as pretty as my sister's, I will never achieve the writing success that my niece has already in her young life, and I will never have the money or the physical ability to travel. See how hard it is not to do it? For me, ending the compulsion to compare ties in perfectly with the other three goals. When I'm not comparing and constantly finding myself lacking, then I have more motivation, I am achieving balance, and I am living in the moment. I have to be okay with the knowledge that I will never be attractive, I probably will not have the opportunity or ability to travel, and I will not have a lot of money. This does not mean I will not work towards financial security or the possibility of travel. It means I will be grateful for what I have, proud of my accomplishments, and pleased for the good fortunes of others without bitterness and jealousy.
Hey, this is my eleventh post for the month of July. Short-term goal met...and exceeded! Yea me! :)
librarianintx
Thursday, July 23, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
My new netbook
Happy is all plugged in, connected to the Internet, and getting comfortable in her new surroundings, on the recently cleared off desk in my bedroom.
I think she will feel at home here.
I'm excited to have her.
This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.
Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat. Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.
But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.
People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.
I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel. :-)
I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.
Welcome home, Happy!
librarianintx
I think she will feel at home here.
I'm excited to have her.
This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.
Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat. Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.
But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.
People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.
I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel. :-)
I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.
Welcome home, Happy!
librarianintx
Why I'm not sleeping affects my mood
Just an observation here. I find that when I don't get enough sleep because I'm awake late doing something enjoyable - at a party, hanging with friends, making out / having sex - then my mood is good the next day. My energy level is decent and my fatigue is not as prominent. But when I don't sleep well because I'm stressed, or something is keeping me awake (like an annoying smoke detector!), or if I've simply reached the age where sleep is more elusive, then I can be irritable and worn out the next day.
So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)
librarianintx
So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)
librarianintx
Monday, July 20, 2015
From independence to helplessness
A week ago yesterday I spent the better part of the day arranging the clothes in my closet. That wasn't on my list of activities for the day, but once I got started, I didn't want to stop. I have two low bars in closet and one high bar. I like to arrange my clothes seasonally. Since I have difficulty reaching the high bar, my summer shirts and capris pants are on the low bars, and most of my long sleeved shirts and corduroy pants are up on the high bar. But all my dresses, regardless of season, have to be on the high bar, or they would drag on the floor.
My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.
I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!
I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.
And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.
Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.
Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.
librarianintx
My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.
I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!
I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.
And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.
Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.
Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.
librarianintx
Sunday, July 19, 2015
Photos
Even though I don't like the way I look, I am a person who likes to be in pictures, because to me photographs are memories. They are tangible evidence of places I've been and events in my life. When I have time I enjoy looking at my photo albums and the pictures on my computer. Some pictures I like better than others, of course, but they are all meaningful to me.
Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.
When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.
I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.
I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.
librarianintx
Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.
When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.
I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.
I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.
librarianintx
Saturday, July 18, 2015
An investment
I can't afford it. I mean, I can, technically, but I shouldn't. But I bought it, with help from wonderful people in my life, as an investment in my future. My future as...a blogger...a writer...an editor...a recapper...some or none of the these? Hopefully, at least one. Here is my investment...
She is beautiful!
I have named her Happy.
Of course the color attracted me. But mainly it was the keyboard. I have found most netbook and laptop keyboards difficult to use. So far this one is much easier.
Easier makes me so happy.
I went to a computer store two days ago with absolutely no thought of buying a computer.
And here she is. :)
I am going to do all I can to make the investment pay off.
librarianintx
I have named her Happy.
Of course the color attracted me. But mainly it was the keyboard. I have found most netbook and laptop keyboards difficult to use. So far this one is much easier.
Easier makes me so happy.
I went to a computer store two days ago with absolutely no thought of buying a computer.
And here she is. :)
I am going to do all I can to make the investment pay off.
librarianintx
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
The best sentence I've ever read
The middle niece, the one who has the worry / OCD gene that runs in my family, is currently experiencing her summer abroad. The girl who a few years ago had panic attacks in her high school classes, had to drop out of band for a time, and was often afraid to take a shower, is now taking Germany, the Czech Republic, Spain, and Austria by storm. Her Facebook page is filled with pictures of her visiting historic places, swinging from trees, standing on skyscraper observation decks, and partying with a bunch of new friends. In answer to a question from her mother, she wrote the best sentence I ever read: "Mom, I'm not afraid of anything anymore..."
I am in awe.
And so so so proud.
You go, girl.
librarianintx
I am in awe.
And so so so proud.
You go, girl.
librarianintx
Organization
I know I've mentioned before how much being organized means to me. It makes me happy, it keeps me calm, it affords me at least a measure of peace. This morning I left my apartment for work and then a mini-vacation with no dishes in the sink, dishwasher nearly empty, no clutter in the living or dining room, no laundry hanging in the bathroom, a semi-made bed, and a much-improved (although still not completely organized) bedroom and closet. I was in bed on time last night with suitcase packed and food ready and a list of last-minute items to add in the morning so I wouldn't forget them. It felt so reassuring, knowing that I didn't leave my surroundings in clutter and chaos. This wasn't the case when I went out of town two weeks ago, and I had to face the mess when I returned home, tired from the weekend activities and travel, and facing a busy week on the horizon. That did not feel reassuring. But I persevered. This homecoming will be an improvement I think. Because of organization.
librarianintx
librarianintx
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
A Good Feeling
Last night I slid into a freshly made bed, clean sheets, only about fifteen minutes past the bedtime I've set for myself. I worked five hours at my regular job, and another four hours at a work-from-home online job. There were no dishes in the sink, the dining room table was cleared, and I had clothes and food ready for this morning. I was calm, organized, feeling accomplished, and living in the moment. Life doesn't get much better than this for me. I felt so good.
I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.
I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.
At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."
I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.
I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.
librarianintx
I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.
I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.
At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."
I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.
I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.
librarianintx
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
Bill Cosby
http://bigstory.ap.org/article/6d90b1f473f147ed9f0048f9e9ac2287/apnewsbreak-cosby-said-he-got-drugs-give-women-sex
APNewsBreak: Cosby said he got drugs to give women for sex
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Bill Cosby testified in 2005 that he got Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with, and he admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman and "other people," according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.
The AP had gone to court to compel the release of the documents; Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.
The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.
Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. His lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls Monday.
Cosby has been accused by more than two dozen women of sexual misconduct, including allegations by many that he drugged and raped them in incidents dating back more than four decades. Cosby, 77, has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.
Cosby resigned in December from the board of trustees at Temple, where he was the popular face of the Philadelphia school in advertisements, fundraising campaigns and commencement speeches.
End of article
Wow. He actually admitted it. And he said this ten years ago, during a sworn deposition. So for at least ten years, some people knew he was guilty. And he knew he was guilty. But he kept acting like anyone who would even dare to think such a thing about him was terrible. Well, he's terrible. He's a rapist. Even if he only raped that one woman, he's still a rapist. But I don't think that was an isolated incident at all. And I feel so badly for all these women that have come forward with allegations, and have been labeled as liars, gold-diggers, fame whores. These women are victims. Victims of Bill Cosby, and victims of how society continues to treat women.
In an extremely small way, I can identify with these women. When I was in college, I was touched inappropriately by a professor. The few encounters were so brief and so vague, plus he was in such a position of authority at the university, that I did not think anyone would believe me, so I never made any allegations. I told a few friends at the time, and I mentioned my concerns to fellow female classmates, who I believed witnessed what happened. My friends urged me to talk to someone in the department, but my classmates all claimed that they didn't witness anything. The incidences made me uncomfortable, but I don't feel that I suffered any lasting effects from the situation. I've always felt vulnerable because of my size and disability, but I can't say that what happened with the professor has contributed to my issues with vulnerability. But maybe.
I grew up watching Bill Cosby. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show, the pudding commercials. He and Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie), Ralph Waite (the Waltons), Robert Reed (the Brady Bunch) and Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) were probably my principle television dads. And television dads have always been very important to me, since I lost my father when I was nine. I feel bad for all the people that believed in him, defended him, were close to him.
So many celebrities - sports heroes, entertainment personalities, political figures - that have fallen from grace. So many people that many of us have admired and believed in: Lance Armstrong, Steven Collins, John Edwards, Josh Duggar, the list is much longer. And now add Bill Cosby. From beloved television father, comedian, author, educator, motivational speaker, activist....to alleged serial rapist. It begs the question, "Who can you believe in anymore?"
librarianintx
APNewsBreak: Cosby said he got drugs to give women for sex
PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Bill Cosby testified in 2005 that he got Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with, and he admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman and "other people," according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.
The AP had gone to court to compel the release of the documents; Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.
The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.
Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. His lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls Monday.
Cosby has been accused by more than two dozen women of sexual misconduct, including allegations by many that he drugged and raped them in incidents dating back more than four decades. Cosby, 77, has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.
Cosby resigned in December from the board of trustees at Temple, where he was the popular face of the Philadelphia school in advertisements, fundraising campaigns and commencement speeches.
End of article
Wow. He actually admitted it. And he said this ten years ago, during a sworn deposition. So for at least ten years, some people knew he was guilty. And he knew he was guilty. But he kept acting like anyone who would even dare to think such a thing about him was terrible. Well, he's terrible. He's a rapist. Even if he only raped that one woman, he's still a rapist. But I don't think that was an isolated incident at all. And I feel so badly for all these women that have come forward with allegations, and have been labeled as liars, gold-diggers, fame whores. These women are victims. Victims of Bill Cosby, and victims of how society continues to treat women.
In an extremely small way, I can identify with these women. When I was in college, I was touched inappropriately by a professor. The few encounters were so brief and so vague, plus he was in such a position of authority at the university, that I did not think anyone would believe me, so I never made any allegations. I told a few friends at the time, and I mentioned my concerns to fellow female classmates, who I believed witnessed what happened. My friends urged me to talk to someone in the department, but my classmates all claimed that they didn't witness anything. The incidences made me uncomfortable, but I don't feel that I suffered any lasting effects from the situation. I've always felt vulnerable because of my size and disability, but I can't say that what happened with the professor has contributed to my issues with vulnerability. But maybe.
I grew up watching Bill Cosby. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show, the pudding commercials. He and Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie), Ralph Waite (the Waltons), Robert Reed (the Brady Bunch) and Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) were probably my principle television dads. And television dads have always been very important to me, since I lost my father when I was nine. I feel bad for all the people that believed in him, defended him, were close to him.
So many celebrities - sports heroes, entertainment personalities, political figures - that have fallen from grace. So many people that many of us have admired and believed in: Lance Armstrong, Steven Collins, John Edwards, Josh Duggar, the list is much longer. And now add Bill Cosby. From beloved television father, comedian, author, educator, motivational speaker, activist....to alleged serial rapist. It begs the question, "Who can you believe in anymore?"
librarianintx
Wednesday, July 01, 2015
July Blogging Commitment
I planned to promise that I would blog every day in July. It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that was too lofty of a goal. So I am now pledging to blog a minimum of 10 times this month. Set your goals a little lower so you can feel good when you exceed them.
When I was on my way to work one day last week, I saw this quote on the side of a building: "Live a great story."
I am not living a great story. I am living a story of fear, insecurity, and frustration. I am living a life where I constantly compare myself to others, and find me lacking in every way - confidence, ability, financial security, appearance, friendships, achievements.
I want to live a better story. I want a legacy that I can be proud of. I want to leave this earth secure in the belief that I did not waste this life I was afforded.
Success is a relative term. I want to discover my definition of success, and feel like I achieved it.
Librarianintx
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