Having to Cancel

Yesterday I had planned to go to the True Crime Book Club at the Austin Public Library. I started going about a year ago with a co-worker and one of her friends. The meeting is at 6:30, so I go in to work late that day, then the three of us grab a quick dinner and attend the club. I haven't been able to go every month, but I think I've been about half a dozen times, and I enjoy it. It's wonderful for me to have this social opportunity.

I have a very busy week scheduled. In addition to book club, I have a friend's birthday party on Thursday night, and another friend's choir concert on Saturday night. Going out on two weeknights in one week is extremely rare for me. Plus I'm going out of town next week for July 4th. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and over-scheduled, although again I'm so pleased for the opportunities.

So yesterday I was tired and my ears were acting up and I couldn't decide if I should go to book club or not. I struggled with the decision. I wanted to go and I thought I could make it if I just pushed through. But that didn't feel like a good idea. If I was overwhelmed and needed to cut back on my schedule, book club was the best event for me to eliminate. I had not read the book. If I didn't go, I could get home and get more organized for the rest of the week. There is a book club every month. Yes, I had missed the last two, and that was unfortunate. But hopefully I could make it to the next one.

But I just hate canceling. Especially the day of an event. It is important to me to honor my commitments. To go when I say I am going to go. I have this weird fear that if I cancel once, then I'll start canceling every time. And I don't want the people in my life to see me as inconsistent. I'm afraid they will stop inviting me to events because I cancel too much. I hate missing opportunities to spend time with people and do fun things. I want even more of that in my life, not less. I have been proud of the fact that lately I have had the ability to be more social and say yes more when people extend an invitation.

So I waffled. I weighed the pros and cons. I struggled with what to do. My indecision likely added to my fatigue and slight malaise. Finally, I decided not to go. I still feel disappointed today. I can't completely say it was the right choice. Part of me still wanted to push through and go. I did get somewhat organized when I went home, but I couldn't do everything. I feel somewhat better physically today, but not as much as I hoped.

Still, all I can do is take life one day at a time and do the best I can. Do what I can do, and be understanding with myself when I have to change plans or cancel, even the day of. Beating myself up internally isn't going to help my physical or emotional health. I have made much progress in being kind to myself and learning to make decisions that affect my well-being in positive ways. How I'm treating myself today about what transpired yesterday is just a tiny slip backwards. I'll get back on track.

librarianintx

A Silly Tale of a Non-Matching Phone Case

My ensemble for Thursday:
black shirt
black and gray pinstripe capris
black shoes
black and silver jewelry
black purse

All is right with with the world.

But I don't have a black phone case.
So I used a case that is black with various shades of pink.
Close enough

But sometime between being in the van and getting to work, I had a revelation.
AARRGGHH!
I have a gray phone case!
That would have matched my outfit much better.

Is the matching thing getting out of hand?

All morning at work when I looked at my phone, my every thought was, "wrong case!"

Friday's outfit:
blue jeans
blue socks and shoes
blue jacket
dark green shirt
dark green phone case
new dark green purse

Much better.

No phone case dilemma today.

librarianintx

Television Festival

This was the 8th season for Austin's ATX TV Festival, a four day celebration of television - screenings of new shows, reunions of former shows, and panel discussions about various topics. This was my first season to go, and even though I was super excited, I also worried and obsessed for weeks too. Because that's what I do.

This was going to be a challenge for me. Walking to different venues downtown. Getting downtown every day and getting home at night. Standing in line for events. Having time to eat. Finding places to eat. Making sure I stayed hydrated, but also dealing with my small, schizophrenic bladder. Keeping myself protected from the sun. Trying not to carry too much stuff. My emotions went up and down during the weeks prior to the festival.

I won't keep you in suspense. I absolutely LOVED IT! And I handled everything even better than I hoped. First of all, after much hand wringing and procrastination, I sent an e-mail to the organizers and explained my difficulty with standing in lines and dealing with the heat. I received a prompt and cheerful response. No problem at all, the e-mail said. For every event I attended, I could ask a volunteer to let me speak with the theater manager. They would give me a line card number, then let me come inside and sit down in the lobby until people were allowed in for the event. So that issue was resolved, and their instructions worked perfectly every time. No one gave me a hard time or questioned me. I had a copy of the e-mail just in case, but I never needed it.

As for the eating concern, one of the theaters served food at their events, and I was at that theater every afternoon. Problem solved once again. I ate yummy, filling grilled cheese sandwiches and french fries. For dinner I ate at Chipotle the first two nights, and at Which Which the third night because Chipotle wasn't open. Because of time I had to eat faster than I usually do, but I managed. I had a few snacks with me just in case, but I never needed them.

As for the walking, luckily all the venues were in about five blocks of each other. During the day I went back and forth between Trinity Hall and the Alamo Ritz, which are only one block from each other, so that was super easy. In the afternoon on Thursday and Friday I was able to walk the five blocks to the Paramount and State Theaters for dinner and the evening screenings. On Saturday I took a ride share because of the excessive heat. On Sunday all of my events were in that one block radius, so I didn't have to worry about the heat or the walking. Outside walking can be scary for me because I'm afraid of falling. But I was careful and I wore comfortable shoes. I took my time and didn't rush. My two wonderful friends who were also attending the festival walked with me when we were going to the same events. I have a terrible sense of direction and I got slightly lost once, but I figured it out. I didn't panic. 

It was a long four days. I left the apartment every day around 8:30, and arrived home after 10. On Saturday night my Metro Access bus was involved in an accident, so I didn't get home until after 11, and I had to be up at 6:30 on Sunday. I did it. And I wasn't injured in the accident, so all was well.

I am an avid television viewer. I watch a lot of shows, and there are more I want to see but don't have time for. I've never agreed with people who say that television is a waste of time. Television can make you think. It can make you feel. It can make you dream. You can learn from television.

It was SO awesome to be around a bunch of people who love television as much as I do. There was a such an amazing vibe being at the festival. People were excited, enthusiastic, from day 1 to day 4. And such friendly people! It was easy to strike up conversations while you were waiting for events, even for an introvert like me. Even if you didn't like or watch the same shows, you felt a connection to people. I was in the bathroom of the Alamo Ritz, and a girl was on the phone to a friend, completely fangirling out about the fact that she had just been in the same room with the cast of Archer. I have never watched that show. But I understood her excitement, her joy. It was contagious. Although I wasn't a fan on the level of that girl, I was still quite thrilled to share space with stars like Kevin Bacon, Lou Diamond Philips, Eric Dane, Zendaya, and Phylicia Rashad, among others. Highlights of the festival for me were the Grey's Anatomy and Atypical screenings and panels. But I thoroughly enjoyed all fourteen events that I attended during the four days. I got to see screenings of four new shows: Euphoria, David Makes Man, Prodigal Son, and City on a Hill.

I also attended panel discussions on interesting topics: inclusion and access, older people on television, the refugee crisis. I spoke in three of the sessions, mostly about disability. Little, nervous, back of the room sitter me speaking up in groups - I did it! Talking about issues that are important to me make me braver than I feel. In addition to a love of television, I felt that many of the people at the festival shared my viewpoints about social justice, politics, the importance of representation of minority populations, which just added to the wonderful vibe of the event.

It felt so incredible to not only survive something that I was scared to do, but actually thrive during it. I walked through the anxiety and the result was I had a fantastic four days. I even have some ideas I plan to pitch to the organizers for next year. I would love to actually be involved in planning festival events, but I'm not sure I have time for that. Anyway, I already paid for my badge for next year! Season 9 of ATX TV Fest, here I come!

librarianintx

Physical Therapy

In May, after only about five months, my therapist decided to end my PT. She said she has seen improvement in my strength and balance, and that I was ready to leave, but that I can come back in a few months if I want.

I'm puzzled by this. First of all, and most importantly, I have a neuromuscular disease. I guess small improvements are possible, but I'm not going to "get better." I feel that I need ongoing PT to maintain what strength and balance I have. I also have osteoporosis, so I need to do what I can to prevent falls and fractures. Also, I have a prescription from a doctor that lasts for a year, so I don't think this was an insurance issue.

Can I do most of the exercises at home? Yes, most, but not all. I don't have access to some of the equipment that I used at the therapy center. I don't have a big stationary bike with tension on it. I don't have a balance board. I don't have five pound ankle weights. I could buy them, but they would be heavy for me to use by myself.

I am trying very hard to be motivated and consistent and do my exercises every day, but honestly, that isn't happening. I'm doing at least some of them most days, and I'm giving myself credit for that. But I need to be doing all of them. Every day. And I need to be getting my steps in; I have a goal of at least 3,000 per day. I also want to practice climbing stairs - those are getting tough.

I could find another therapy center, get another prescription from my doctor, but the center I've been going to is a good fit for me - it's affordable, and it's located less than five minutes from my apartment, which helps with my transportation situation.

I have to admit a small part of me is relieved. Therapy days were very long days for me - I had to be ready to leave for work by 6:45 a.m, and I usually arrived home around 5:30 p.m. There were many days when I walked into therapy and wasn't sure I could physically do my work out. But I did. Every single time. I did everything they asked me to do. That made me feel so empowered. Even though I was often tired, hungry, thirsty, and sometimes a little weak after exercising, I also felt strong, proud, energized. Going to therapy also helped me to be more organized. I would prepare food, lay out clothes and jewelry, etc for multiple days in advance so when I got home from therapy I didn't have as much to do to get ready for the next day, or even the day after that.

So my plan is to do what I can on my own during the hot summer, and return to therapy in the fall. I hope I am motivated to go back. I think I will be. Even though I'm not doing all my exercises every day like I should, I still feel committed to the cause. I know I have to do what I can to prevent a worsening of my health, and to maintain what I able to do.

librarianintx

"Be on Time Chronicles" 6/18/19

Yesterday's morning ride was without fault.
I was picked up at the beginning of my window, and transported directly to work.
I arrived at 7:10 a.m. - an hour and twenty minutes early!
Did I make good use of my prompt arrival?
No.
But that's a topic for a different blog post.

The afternoon ride was the kicker.
My ride window opened at 2:30.
I went downstairs and settled into the bench on the library porch.
And I waited.
And waited.

When my window closed at 3 p.m. I called the "Where's My Ride" line.
I was informed that my driver was behind schedule, and I would not be picked up for another thirty minutes.

Sigh
Okay
Deal with it

It's a nice day.
Not too hot yet.
There's a pleasant breeze.

After a few minutes my shady bench was engulfed in sunshine, so I moved to a bench across the narrow street where I could once again be protected from the sun.

And I waited some more.

I waited the thirty minutes that dispatch told me.
Then I called again.

And I heard those dreaded words...

NO-SHOW

I had been left.
Supposedly the driver had arrived, not found me, and moved on with his or her route.

I was in front of the library, like I am every week day.

I did not see a vehicle.
I did not see a driver in a yellow vest.
I did not receive a call.

I was so irritated.
I had been waiting for more than an hour.
What was going on?

I was never given a clear answer.
Apparently the driver was running late, but when he or she finally arrived, they did not find me, so they left.

A very easy solution would have been TO CALL ME.
Obviously the driver were not in the right place, or I would have seen them, or they would have seen me.

JUST CALL ME.

If you, Capital Metro, refuse to give us the technology where we can track our rides like we can with ride shares, then please CALL when you can't find a client. Because Capital Metro does not call the client when a driver is running late or lost, the client has to call the "Where's My Ride" line and wait for more information. It is an outdated way to find out what is happening. Sometimes the hold time is more than ten minutes. It is a waste of my time, and it is frustrating.

Would it not be reasonable to assume that if I called at 3:00 to ask where my ride was, that I would still be waiting whenever the driver arrived? Okay, I guess there is a possibility that I gave up and ordered a ride share, or asked a friend to pick me up. But I wouldn't do that. I would have called again and said, "I'm not waiting anymore. Just cancel me." The one time I did abandon my ride was when my bus to Houston was leaving in 20 minutes, and the dispatcher left me on hold. I had no choice but to hang up and make a run (brisk walk) for the bus station. But that was a rare occurrence.

Related note: I understand this is my responsibility, but I had no food or drink with me. I don't need sustenance for my afternoon trip if I get home at a reasonable time. Yesterday was not reasonable. I managed to lick the remnants of a melted bite-sized chocolate bar that had been in my jacket pocket. (For clarification, I licked the wrapper. I didn't lick the inside of my jacket pocket. Just in case that part of the story was unclear.) That was all I had with me. I wouldn't call that food, but it was something. 

Because I was no-showed, I got home at 5:15, nearly THREE HOURS after my ride window opened.

UNACCEPTABLE

librarianintx