Weather

Anyone who knows me is well aware of three things about me: My favorite color is pink, I adore butterflies...and I have a severe weather phobia.

I've literally dealt with this my entire life. I was born in Orlando, Florida, home of nearly daily summer storms. My mom says I used to cower under my high chair as the lightning flashed and winds howled. And my fear has never waned since then. As a child I would run from window to window in whatever house or apartment we lived in, screaming in fright. In high school I was so scared when the sky turned black (or occasionally green) that I would get a pass to the nurse's office. I was absolutely unable to concentrate on anything except my extreme fear. When I was student teaching I tried my best to hide my feelings from my students. I attempted to control my shaking and racing heart the day we had to crawl under our desks during a possible tornado. I barely survived the two hurricanes I endured when I lived in Houston. Friends in college would let me hang out in their rooms, even during the night, when there was a storm. I didn't feel safe anywhere, even in a huge dorm that was built like a fortress.

It's a difficult situation because while I have this at times overwhelming fear, I also have a fascination with severe weather. When my area is not in the danger zone, I find myself watching the weather channel or checking my favorite weather web site, keeping tabs on the watches and warnings. I am interested, curious when the weather is affecting other parts of the state or the country. I am worried and sometimes terrified when it is threatening or hitting my area. I have anticipatory anxiety. Just the mere chance of a bad storm will keep me hyper vigilant, sometimes even days in advance, which is such waste of time, energy, and emotional stability. One day I worried for four days about an impending bad weather event. FOUR days. And what happened? Yeah, we had one bad storm. About thirty minutes of driving rain and high winds. But that was it. Thirty minutes, and it was done. I wasn't injured. There was no damage in my area. Thirty minutes. And I was a basket case for four days. It's not an easy thing to admit. But it's the truth.

I know I am not alone. Through googling, and scrolling through comments on the Facebook pages of my trusted weather personalities, I have discovered many people who think like me and act like me. People who worry days in advance, who hide in closets and bathtubs during storms, who spend hours wandering around Walmart or sitting in a restaurant because they can't be home alone during a storm. Absolutely being alone is the worst for a storm phobic person. I am WAY more in control of my fear when I'm with other people, especially in a place where I feel at least marginally safe, like a grocery store or mall or a hotel. Yes, I know there can be damage to large structures. But for me, the bigger the building, the better I feel...usually.

I have also learned to pinpoint my fear, and to downsize it to a certain extent. I am not usually scared during a garden-variety thunderstorm. I do not fear hail or heavy rain. My terrors are tornadoes, hurricanes, and damaging winds. I also hate how dark it gets during a bad storm. I am convinced that my weather phobia is tied in to my inner ear disorder. I can get dizzy when the lights go out without warning, or even when a restaurant dims the lights at dusk.

I have both success and setbacks in my quest to overcome my severe weather phobia. On Sunday I was in Houston, preparing to return to Austin. Austin had endured four rounds of bad weather on Saturday and Sunday morning, and now Houston was in the path of a line of storms. I was nervous about possibly being on the bus when it hit. I was also worried that the trip might get canceled.

Mom and I made it to breakfast with only a little rain on the way. We eat at different places, but that morning we chose the Denny's that's close to the bus stop. I checked the weather a few times while we waited for our food. A severe thunderstorm warning was posted for our county.

We were sitting in a booth that was not by a window. That was helpful. I could still see if I wanted to, but I was not close to the action outside. It got dark, then the wind and rain started. I can't say I was happy, but I didn't have the intense fear, the racing heart, the dread that I often feel. I was actually mildly okay. I was able to eat, which was a huge accomplishment. I was even able to laugh when I jumped at the crashes of thunder. Denny's is not a big building, but I felt surprisingly safe for a change. It felt so wonderful to deal so well with a big storm.

It all worked out. By the time the bus arrived the sky was beginning to clear. I would have a trip where I didn't have to worry about storms. It was a great feeling, but unfortunately one time of success has not cured me. But I will keep trying, keep working toward a more healthy relationship with bad weather.

librarianintx