Having to Cancel

Yesterday I had planned to go to the True Crime Book Club at the Austin Public Library. I started going about a year ago with a co-worker and one of her friends. The meeting is at 6:30, so I go in to work late that day, then the three of us grab a quick dinner and attend the club. I haven't been able to go every month, but I think I've been about half a dozen times, and I enjoy it. It's wonderful for me to have this social opportunity.

I have a very busy week scheduled. In addition to book club, I have a friend's birthday party on Thursday night, and another friend's choir concert on Saturday night. Going out on two weeknights in one week is extremely rare for me. Plus I'm going out of town next week for July 4th. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and over-scheduled, although again I'm so pleased for the opportunities.

So yesterday I was tired and my ears were acting up and I couldn't decide if I should go to book club or not. I struggled with the decision. I wanted to go and I thought I could make it if I just pushed through. But that didn't feel like a good idea. If I was overwhelmed and needed to cut back on my schedule, book club was the best event for me to eliminate. I had not read the book. If I didn't go, I could get home and get more organized for the rest of the week. There is a book club every month. Yes, I had missed the last two, and that was unfortunate. But hopefully I could make it to the next one.

But I just hate canceling. Especially the day of an event. It is important to me to honor my commitments. To go when I say I am going to go. I have this weird fear that if I cancel once, then I'll start canceling every time. And I don't want the people in my life to see me as inconsistent. I'm afraid they will stop inviting me to events because I cancel too much. I hate missing opportunities to spend time with people and do fun things. I want even more of that in my life, not less. I have been proud of the fact that lately I have had the ability to be more social and say yes more when people extend an invitation.

So I waffled. I weighed the pros and cons. I struggled with what to do. My indecision likely added to my fatigue and slight malaise. Finally, I decided not to go. I still feel disappointed today. I can't completely say it was the right choice. Part of me still wanted to push through and go. I did get somewhat organized when I went home, but I couldn't do everything. I feel somewhat better physically today, but not as much as I hoped.

Still, all I can do is take life one day at a time and do the best I can. Do what I can do, and be understanding with myself when I have to change plans or cancel, even the day of. Beating myself up internally isn't going to help my physical or emotional health. I have made much progress in being kind to myself and learning to make decisions that affect my well-being in positive ways. How I'm treating myself today about what transpired yesterday is just a tiny slip backwards. I'll get back on track.

librarianintx