My Dancing with the Stars recap, Week 1

First let me begin with two corrections from my previous DWTS post. I do know who Andy Grammer is; at least I know his hit song. And now I also know who Alek Skarlatos is, one of the men who subdued a terrorist on a train in France recently.

And now, on with the recap. Rather than talking about each contestant, I will be giving my opinion on the best and worst moments of the show:

Winning dance style of the night: The Jive
Three contestants danced the Jive: husband and wife Carlos and Alexa Penavega, and Bindi Irwin, and all three were very successful. Their jives were performed with great technique, and bucketfuls of energy, enthusiasm, and personality. Of the three, Bindi got the most love from the audience, and the judges. Her overall score of 24 tied for highest of the night, and the crowd went wild for her.

Runner up dance style of the night: The Foxtrot
Of the three contestants who danced the Foxtrot, Internet sensation Hayes Grier, singer Andy Grammer, and hero Alek Skarlatos, I would say Alek took the prize. The judges were more impressed with Hayes than I was, Andy's dance was decent, especially thanks to his partner Allison, but we all found Alek's dance to be enchanting, with the music and Lindsey's choreography blending together beautifully.

Losing dance style of the night: The Salsa
Unfortunately in most cases, the cha cha didn't fare much better, but both of the contestants who danced the Salsa, Victor Espinoza and Kim Zolziak-Biermann, had a rough time. Kim received the lowest scores of the night, which was unfortunate, because I think she has it in her to be a good dancer, but she was incredibly nervous. I have to say, I'm quite surprised that Dancing with the Stars foisted both the Salsa and the Quickstep on the contestants in the first week! Those are both incredibly hard styles to master.

Surprisingly good performance of the night:
This is not to say that I thought Tamar Braxton would be a bad dancer. I'm saying her performance was a surprise because she was given the dreaded Quickstep, and she and Val made it work! They weren't perfect of course, but they had the elements you look for in a Quickstep: speed, footwork, good use of the dance space, and I thought she had a decent frame for a first dance. She tied with Carlos Penavega for second highest set of scores of the night: 23.

My cringeworthy moments of the evening:

1) Paula Deen's slow, nervous Quickstep wasn't good, but her comment about almost soiling her underwear was crude and TMI.

2) Apparently many people were amused by Gary Busey's antics and incomprehensible ramblings, but I found both his dance and his post-performance interactions with Tom and Erin to be painful and uncomfortable. I have to say, though, that I just love both Tom and Erin; they can make the strangest happenings in the ballroom bearable with humor and a caring spirit.

Sweethearts of the ballroom: Bindi Irwin and Alek Skarlatos

Of the two contestants that I haven't mentioned yet, singer Chaka Khan and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, Nick was much more successful with the Cha Cha. His dance was infused with some hip hop and boy band moves, and I was entertained. I also enjoyed watching all three judges fangirling over Nick. Nick tied with Bindi Irwin for highest scores of the night. Chaka's dance, conversely, was a hot mess, but at least she seemed to have a good time. Unfortunately, I don't think third season will be the charm for Keo.

Two more observations:

1) The opening number was a showstopper, featuring thousands of extras during the outdoor filming, and lots of glitz and fanfare. Too bad most of the dances didn't live up to the hype of the show's beginning.

2) I found it very strange that Len's absence was given so little time and attention. Tom simply said, "Len won't be judging this season," and that was it. Twenty one seasons, Len as head judge for every season, and that is all the recognition he receives? I hope this means he's not retiring, that he is only taking a season off. If he is retiring, he deserves way more of a goodbye than that.

Overall, the dancing was pretty good, but I think my expectations were a bit too high. I'm hoping to see some improvements in week 2. Oh, and my pet peeve from the previous season continued last night: I do NOT want extra dancers in these individual performances! Extra dancers should be reserved for the trio dances and the freestyles. You're jumping the shark, DWTS - quit it!

librarianintx

 

Dancing with the Stars Season 21

The new season starts tonight, and I am so excited! Here is a quick breakdown of how I am looking forward to seeing, who I don't know, and who I wish had not been selected:

This season there are several contestants that I've never heard of. Here is a list, with their professional partners:
Hayes Grier and Emma
Andy Grammer and Allison
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsey
Carlos Pena and Whitney
Alexa Vega and Mark

I guess it's a sign that I'm getting old that I don't know so many of the contestants this season.

Who am I most excited to see?

Bindi Irwin and Derek
I think they will look great together. Bindi has a great personality and a backstory that will make people root for her. She is young, which is not always an asset on DWTS, but Zendaya was young, and she made it to runner up in her season. Shawn Johnson won her season when she was still a teenager. Bindi has some dance experience, so we'll see if that will translate well to ballroom.

Chaka Khan and Keo
Another couple that I think will look great together. Keo has had bad luck with partners, so hopefully third season is the charm for him. Chaka is a singer, so with any luck she will have rhythm.

Nick Carter and Shauna
I love me a Backstreet Boy. They should be fun together.

Victor Espinoza and Karina
Victor is a jockey, so he is tiny! I wondered which professional dancer they would pair him with, and I expected it to be Whitney, who I think is the shortest female dancer on DWTS. Karina is not petite, especially in heels. Their pairing should be interesting, not only because of the height difference, but also because of the accents.

Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony
I can't wait to see the outfits and wigs/hair extensions!

Tamar Braxton and Val
I don't know that much about her, but I think there could be fireworks between her and Val.

Sigh. And here is the short list of people I am not thrilled to see:

Gary Busey and Anna
This pairing just makes me nervous. I think he could be unpredictable and hard to manage. I also don't think he'll be a good dancer. But maybe he'll prove me wrong.

Paula Deen and Louis
I think she is a racist and I don't want to watch any show that she is a part of. But I am not going to boycott one of my favorite shows because of her. I am disappointed that DWTS selected her. But hopefully she won't last long.

Finally, I had heard a rumor that Bethany Hamilton might be on the show, but unfortunately such is not the case. She is the surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack a few years ago. I watched the "Amazing Race" two seasons ago strictly because she and her husband Adam were contestants. They came in third, but Bethany was a fierce competitor, completing challenges with ease that many contestants with two arms struggled with. I also loved how positive she and Adam were. They never fought with each other or played dirty, and they approached every situation with a calm, sunny, yet determined attitude. I would love to see her try dancing. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. Maybe she will be selected for another season.

I'm ready for Season 21 - bring it! :)
librarianintx

Big Brother - SPOILERS

Probably about two weeks or so left in the season, and the show finally got interesting! At last, someone besides Vanessa is playing the game to win it. Steve, I was so mad at you when you won HOH and put up Meg and Jackie, one of the most boneheaded moves in the game. They were both in your alliance, and neither one of them had any power in the house. What were you thinking? But you have redeemed yourself this week by doing what no one in the house has yet managed to do - break up the Austwins. No, they are not as powerful as Vanessa, mainly because between the three of them they don't have either the intellectual capacity or the game play that she has. But where their strength lies is in their numbers - three votes as opposed to one. After tonight, they will be down to two. There is no way around it. Thanks in part to Vanessa, who gave Julia terrible advice and she was stupid enough to take it, Austin won POV and took himself off the block, so Steve smartly replaced him with Julia. I guess it didn't matter though. Either way, someone from that three person alliance is going home this week. It would help Steve and Johnny's game for Liz to go home I think, since she and Austin are in a showmance.

The problem remains, however, that Vanessa is still in the game. Steve would be in a much better position if someone had managed to eliminate her by now. Vanessa is the most dangerous person in the house, and she deserves to win it if she makes it to the finale. At this point I think Austin or Julia are the only two people who would nominate her. Steve and Johnny both think they are working with her. If by some miracle Steve and Vanessa are the final two, which I could not imagine that possibility a few weeks ago, I don't know if the jurors will feel that Steve did enough to win. Would they reward Vanessa for her game play, or punish her for all the havoc she wreaked during the season?

librarianintx

So You Think You Can Dance

Yawn.

I feel bad to write this, but I'm glad the season is almost over. I simply was not into the show this year, for multiple reasons. I miss Mary. I lamented the dearth of ballroom routines. I did not care for the "stage vs street" format. And most importantly, I found the choreography severely lacking this season. The dancers were good, and most of their personalities compelled you to root for them. But the routines were lackluster. There was not a single dance that made me want to watch it again. And usually I am all about downloading the routines from youtube and watching them over and over. Not this time.

I wasn't so bored that I stopped watching. But I didn't have a favorite this year. I favored the street dancers over stage. Once the two b boys left, I liked everyone else on the street side and hated for anyone to go home. I didn't dislike the stage dancers; I just felt the street dancers were more interesting and versatile. My favorite stage dancer is Jim, and I felt he was completely and utterly robbed of his place in the finale. My favorite street dancers are JaJa, Virgil, and JJ. Even though I don't have a favorite, I would like to see JaJa win the competition.

I like Jason Derulo a lot as a singer and dancer, but not so much as a judge on this show. I think he was trying too hard all season to prove he was knowledgeable about all kinds of dance. I would much rather see Adam Shankman as a permanent judge, or have more good guest judges like Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Christina Applegate. To end this on a positive note, at least Paula didn't annoy me like I expected she would.

librarianintx

Sugar

All the articles these days are screaming about how bad sugar is for you. Don't consume it, avoid it, rid it from your body.

I don't want to give up sugar, especially chocolate. I enjoy it. I look forward to my afternoon snack of cookies or brownies. I'm excited when co-workers occasionally bring in donuts, cookies, or cake to share. Sometimes I pause and wonder if I should be eating sugar so early in the day. I realize that the treat will probably make me hyper and then I'll crash later. But I eat the donut, cookie, or cake anyway. Sometimes as early as 8 am.

I don't feel like I'm addicted to sugar. I occasionally go for a day without some form of chocolate. Sometimes I don't have time for a snack. I don't believe I have withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. I just enjoy chocolate. I would miss it if I gave it up. I have no desire to do that. But I want to be healthy.

I have a very close friend who is the healthiest person I know. He is a vegan. He does not smoke or drink. And he does not eat any kind of sugar. No refined sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, nothing. And no aspartame of course. I respect him, I am in awe of his self-control. But I don't want to limit myself that way, even though part of me does want to because I want to be healthy as I can.

Is sugar actually that bad for you? we've been consuming sugar for centuries. Why is there is much negativity about it lately?

Maybe at some point I'll try to eliminate sugar from my diet. If I ever become diabetic, I would have to make dietary changes. My mom is now pre-diabetic, and she has made many changes to her diet, although she has not given up sugar completely. She has cut down on sugar, and is severely limiting her carb intake.

But for now, I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can. I know I need to eat less bread and carbs, and more vegetables and fruit. And I need to get more exercise.

Having said all this, I really want an oreo. :) I've had two today, but I want another one. 

I feel like I have good self-control, but not when it comes to chocolate.

librarianintx

Dreams

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. I've been blessed with remarkably good sleep for a number of years, even with my need for nighttime ventilation ( a bipap machine), so my sleep struggles have obviously been difficult to deal with. I usually fall asleep quickly, but I've been waking up at various times in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. Sometimes this is due to stomach aches and indigestion most likely caused by the bipap. Other times I'm waking up because the bipap mask is leaking air, or is causing discomfort because I have it on too tight. And then sometimes I'm waking up from bad dreams.

I don't need a therapist to tell me why I'm suffering from bad dreams. The dreams vary from simply wacky to downright scary, but they all have a common theme: a complete lack of control.

I don't always remember the dreams the next day, but some of them are so unnerving that they stay with me for much of the next day. But I don't usually remember them for more than a day, luckily. Still, the feeling of not having control in my life is something that is not just occurring in my dreams.

Last night the dream was just more odd than scary. Some woman I didn't know was eating my food. I don't know where I was, or where the food came from. I just know it was my food, and the woman was eating it. And I kept yelling at her and begging her not to eat my food, and she just kept calmly eating it. And the more she ate, the more frustrated and upset I became. But I couldn't do anything to stop her. She completely ignored me.

So I followed her to her house, after she finished eating my food. And I kept asking her why she did it, but she never answered me. When we got to her house, she cooked a big batch of something with shrimp in it; some kind of shrimp stir fry. And it smelled delicious. She offered me some, but I didn't eat it, because I was still mad at her. And then I woke up.

Yesterday was a nice day. I went to a friend's birthday gathering, and then another friend came over for the evening. I don't have many opportunities to be social these days, so I was happy to spend time with people. Still, I always feel a certain lack of control in these situations. Because I don't drive, I couldn't decide what time I went to the party, and what time I came home. When you're at a party, you do what the majority wants to do, or what the party organizer wants to do. When the birthday boy wanted to watch some music videos by a very strange band, there isn't much you can do but sit there and watch. I mean, you can leave, except if you're me, you can't leave because the person you came with wasn't ready to leave. And later, back at home, you watch a show that you've never seen before and honestly don't care about, because that's what your friend wants to watch, and you know that she wouldn't be interested in what you would want to watch. 

I am a people pleaser, and I do what other people want to do, because I want them to be happy, and because I can't handle conflict. My needs, interests, and desires almost always take a backseat to what the people around me want. Obviously there is give and take in every relationship, and compromise is important. I'm not saying I should get my way every time. But I do think I should stand up for myself more, and say what I want and what I need. Most of the time it doesn't bother me to put myself second. I like making people happy, and keeping the peace. But I'm beginning to think that my people pleasing personality and not taking enough time for the hobbies and pursuits that I enjoy are affecting my dreams.

librarianintx

Spending Money

It's scary how much fun spending money can be. There can be a high associated with it. This year I have been more careful than ever with my money. I freaked out when our apartment complex increased our rent by $80 several months ago. I had been pinching pennies even before that, but when that happened I started spending even less. I keep a list every month of how much I spend and what I'm spending my money on. If I buy a bag of chips, I write it down.

I changed my buying habits at the grocery store. I purchase roma tomatoes now; they are the cheapest. Instead of saltines or Ritz, I buy a bag of oyster crackers for $1. HEB bread is cheaper than Mrs. Baird's. I try to buy only what I can eat in a week; I don't stock up. I make a list and I stick to it. I eat a lot of beans and rice. And hot cereal. When I cook, I make a pot of chili or spaghetti that will last me about a week. I eat out rarely if I'm paying. One thing I allow myself is a trip to Central Market, where I buy a prepared container of chicken salad, pasta salad, and fresh fruit. The container costs less than $6, and is the perfect size for me for lunch.

So I have been super careful so far this year. Plus I got a small raise at work, and I was scoring tests online for a few months to make some extra money. All of this has resulted in a savings every month. Some months I have been able to save several hundred dollars. That makes me feel proud and relieved. But it also makes me feel too comfortable, like it would be okay to maybe relax my strict spending a bit. I don't want to think that way. I want to continue saving. And I want to find more ways of making extra money.

I'm doing okay right now on a month to month basis. And I'm not completely denying myself. Not at all. I bought several dresses this summer. I've been out to eat a few times. I even bought an inexpensive netbook - my wonderful friends bought it and are letting me pay it off in monthly installments, which helps greatly. But I worry about if and when I have a big expense - if I get sick and need medicine, or a medical test, or even surgery. I just went to the dentist and was relieved that all was well - no cavities and the co-pay was wonderfully low. But anything can happen. I could fall and break something. I have insurance, but the cost would still be very high. So I have to remain vigilant.

But there is something else I want - a new i-pod. I had a great one, but it died, and for now I have a hand-me-down from my sister's family. It doesn't hold much music, won't sync audiobooks for some reason, and only holds a charge for about an hour. I told myself if I made some extra money this summer, and if I went to the dentist and all went well with that, then I would allow myself the luxury of a new i-pod. I DID make some extra money this summer, and I DID go to the dentist. I have more than enough saved this year to buy the i-pod. But I'm still nervous about making the purchase. What if I get it, and then something goes wrong and I need the money I just used for something frivolous? What if I buy it, and the excitement I derive from getting it for myself makes me want to spend money on other luxuries? I use my smartphone a lot and it is several years old; maybe I should spend the money on a new phone instead?

A top of the line i-pod is over $400. That is a lot of money to spend on myself. That is twice as much as the netbook I'm paying off. I have to remember that the holidays are approaching, plus two nieces are graduating from college soon, and one of those two nieces is also getting married next May. So a lot of gift-buying is in my fairly immediate future.

So there is both excitement and nervousness when it comes to money, and I'm working on finding a balance between saving and spending. I probably will get the i-pod. And I will feel happy and proud and guilty all at the same time. That's me!

librarianintx

My Everest

"We understand that not everybody can climb Everest; but everybody has an Everest to climb."

I would say I have several Everests in my life. To say I conquered one of them yesterday would be too much of a stretch, but I at least made some progress.

I went to the dentist.

To say going to the dentist is like climbing Mt. Everest sounds so absurd. For most people, a trip to the dentist is a normal part of health care. I don't know anyone who necessarily enjoys it, but you do it and it's not a big deal.

It's a big deal for me.

I have a long history with my mouth. Multiple tooth extractions, braces twice, gum surgery, major reconstructive jaw surgery in the attempt to correct a congenital deformity, and then at least two minor surgeries to remove infected (or presumed infected) hardwire from the jaw surgery. Along the way I encountered nice dental professionals and not-so-nice dental professionals. Surgeries, pain, hours in a dental chair, dealing with the various personalities of dental personnel, losing the ability to chew for a time, and a lifetime of unhappiness with my appearance have all resulted in a fairly significant dental phobia. Add to all that excess saliva as a by-product of weakened facial muscles from my neuromuscular disease which results in an aspiration concern, and dizzy spells when I'm leaned back in a chair from my inner ear disorder, and hopefully you get the picture of why a trip to the dentist is such a nervewracking experience for me. Finding a dentist and hygienist who can work with me and deal my issues has been a task years in the making.

I have seen a pediatric dentist since the age of ten. He saw me through all the rough years of braces and surgeries. His staff knew me and most of them were patient with me. But once I moved away to attend graduate school and eventually became a resident of Austin, getting back to Houston to see this dentist became a challenge. Plus, I had no dental insurance, so as an adult my visits were costing me $200+

Finally a few years ago, I set up dental insurance through work, and with much trepidation I made an appointment with a well-known dental chain. My main reasoning was that the dental office was about a mile from my apartment.

The exam, cleaning, and subsequent filing weren't a terrible experience. They tried to work with me. But I just did not feel comfortable there. So until yesterday I have not seen a dentist in probably two years or more.

A few months ago, I started researching dentists in the area. I performed a google search for the term "special needs dentist." I found several who mentioned patients with special needs on their web sites. Some were pediatric dentists; some were family dentists. Unfortunately, none of them accepted my insurance. At that point I was quite discouraged. I was psyching myself up to go, I was focusing on positivity, but since money is a big issue, I needed to find a dentist on my plan.

In the end, I took a shot in the dark, and hoped for the best. This dentist did not mention special needs on his web site, and I only found one review on the Internet about him, but it was a positive one. He is a private practice dentist, so I was hoping I would feel more comfortable with someone who was not part of a big, chain-style operation. I was hoping to avoid a large office where I was one of several people in a row of chairs in a huge room. My orthodontist's office is like that; luckily I do not have to see him often.

So long story short, I have a new dentist, and I am happy and relieved. I was the only patient during most of my time there, and the dentist performed the cleaning himself, with an assistant. The x-rays were as challenging as ever, but the rest of the appointment went very smoothly. The dentist was friendly and talkative, which made the time pass quickly, and for a first visit, after hours of agonizing anticipatory anxiety, I was remarkably calm during the cleaning. He adhered to my needs without needing a lot of explanation and seemingly with no impatience. He gave me enough opportunities to swallow, and he and his assistant did well with limiting the amount of water and instruments in my mouth. He was swift, but thorough, and not at all rough.

The further good news is that the co-pay was amazing low. At that price, and with the good level of care I received, plus my surprising comfort during the cleaning, at this point I plan to see him twice a year. A remarkable turn of events for me. I am very pleased. And proud of myself for making the appointment and being brave enough to follow through. For anyone else, it was a visit to the dentist, no big deal. For me, it was quite a mountain to climb. I arrived home worn out and a little dizzy, but definitely triumphant.

Have I conquered my dental phobia? As I stated at the beginning, I wouldn't say I reached the summit of this Everest. But maybe I'm close. I credit the dentist and his staff, who were patient and made me feel comfortable. I also need to credit myself, for focusing on the positive, and for persevering to find a dentist that is a good fit for me. I am finally realizing that even with all my issues, physical and emotional, I deserve to be treated well by health care professionals and their staff, and it is both my right and my responsibility to require nothing less than respect, understanding, and the best of their professional abilities.

librarianintx

What makes me happy

Many things make me happy:
A refreshing shower
Relaxing with a cup of tea and a book before bed
Being organized
Buying a new book with a gift card

and fun pictures of dogs, like this one...

You can't help but smile and giggle. He is currently my background picture on my work computer, and he makes me happy all day long.

This is what life is all about...finding what makes you happy, and surrounding yourself with what you enjoy.

librarianintx

A small accomplishment

I know my life would be more satisfying and fulfilling if I had more confidence in myself. Why do I have so little faith in my abilities? Why, for example, does a simple night out with friends become such a crisis for me? All day yesterday I tried to talk myself out of going to visit friends who are in town from California. I haven't seen them in at least three years. They are leaving today, so last night was our only opportunity.

"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."

On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.

And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.

I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up.  My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.

When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.

This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?

librarianintx

Quote

Saw this quote on Facebook last night, and it made me cry:

"I hope you know you're capable & brave & significant, even when you feel like you're not."

This pretty much sums up my life most of the time. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. But every day I get up and I keep trying. I search within myself for strength, strive for accomplishment, and yearn for balance and contentment. I understand that every day is a gift, and what I want most is to feel worthy and useful. Our time on earth is precious and limited, and I want to know I'm living a purposeful existence.

librarianintx

My Long-Term Goals in Life

I think my long-term goals are simple, and certainly achievable:

1) Be motivated
Motivation leads to productivity. Motivation lessens or even eliminates procrastination. Productivity usually results in success. So if I can muster motivation, then procrastination will be no longer hinder me, and I will find the success that means so much to me.

2) Create balance
I am working hard on this one. I desire to find balance between helping others, which feels right and good to me, and making enough time in the day for myself and what I enjoy. If I use all my energy and hours doing for others, then I fear I will become frustrated and resentful. I need to continue discovering what I like to do, and make space in my life for those endeavors. I also need to achieve balance between work and play, and between rest and activity.

3) Live in the moment
This is my mantra now. When I begin to ruminate about the future, or obsess about the past, I say out loud to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Be in the here and now. And right this minute, you are fine. You are okay."

4) Avoid comparisons
Hard to do when you are raised by a parent who makes it her life's work to draw comparisons. My hair will never be as pretty as my sister's, I will never achieve the writing success that my niece has already in her young life, and I will never have the money or the physical ability to travel. See how hard it is not to do it? For me, ending the compulsion to compare ties in perfectly with the other three goals. When I'm not comparing and constantly finding myself lacking, then I have more motivation, I am achieving balance, and I am living in the moment. I have to be okay with the knowledge that I will never be attractive, I probably will not have the opportunity or ability to travel, and I will not have a lot of money. This does not mean I will not work towards financial security or the possibility of travel. It means I will be grateful for what I have, proud of my accomplishments, and pleased for the good fortunes of others without bitterness and jealousy.

Hey, this is my eleventh post for the month of July. Short-term goal met...and exceeded! Yea me! :)

librarianintx

My new netbook

Happy is all plugged in, connected to the Internet, and getting comfortable in her new surroundings, on the recently cleared off desk in my bedroom.

I think she will feel at home here.

I'm excited to have her.

This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.

Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat.  Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.

But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.

People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.

I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel.  :-)

I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.

Welcome home, Happy!

librarianintx

Why I'm not sleeping affects my mood

Just an observation here. I find that when I don't get enough sleep because I'm awake late doing something enjoyable - at a party, hanging with friends, making out / having sex - then my mood is good the next day. My energy level is decent and my fatigue is not as prominent. But when I don't sleep well because I'm stressed, or something is keeping me awake (like an annoying smoke detector!), or if I've simply reached the age where sleep is more elusive, then I can be irritable and worn out the next day.

So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)

librarianintx

From independence to helplessness

A week ago yesterday I spent the better part of the day arranging the clothes in my closet. That wasn't on my list of activities for the day, but once I got started, I didn't want to stop. I have two low bars in closet and one high bar. I like to arrange my clothes seasonally. Since I have difficulty reaching the high bar, my summer shirts and capris pants are on the low bars, and most of my long sleeved shirts and corduroy pants are up on the high bar. But all my dresses, regardless of season, have to be on the high bar, or they would drag on the floor.

My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.

I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!

I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.

And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.

Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.

Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.

librarianintx

Photos

Even though I don't like the way I look, I am a person who likes to be in pictures, because to me photographs are memories. They are tangible evidence of places I've been and events in my life. When I have time I enjoy looking at my photo albums and the pictures on my computer. Some pictures I like better than others, of course, but they are all meaningful to me.

Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.

When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.

I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.

I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.

librarianintx

An investment

I can't afford it. I mean, I can, technically, but I shouldn't. But I bought it, with help from wonderful people in my life, as an investment in my future. My future as...a blogger...a writer...an editor...a recapper...some or none of the these? Hopefully, at least one. Here is my investment...

She is beautiful!
I have named her Happy.
Of course the color attracted me. But mainly it was the keyboard. I have found most netbook and laptop keyboards difficult to use. So far this one is much easier.
Easier makes me so happy.
I went to a computer store two days ago with absolutely no thought of buying a computer.
And here she is. :)
I am going to do all I can to make the investment pay off.

librarianintx

The best sentence I've ever read

The middle niece, the one who has the worry / OCD gene that runs in my family, is currently experiencing her summer abroad. The girl who a few years ago had panic attacks in her high school classes, had to drop out of band for a time, and was often afraid to take a shower, is now taking Germany, the Czech Republic, Spain, and Austria by storm. Her Facebook page is filled with pictures of her visiting historic places, swinging from trees, standing on skyscraper observation decks, and partying with a bunch of new friends. In answer to a question from her mother, she wrote the best sentence I ever read: "Mom, I'm not afraid of anything anymore..."

I am in awe.
And so so so proud.
You go, girl.

librarianintx

Organization

I know I've mentioned before how much being organized means to me. It makes me happy, it keeps me calm, it affords me at least a measure of peace. This morning I left my apartment for work and then a mini-vacation with no dishes in the sink, dishwasher nearly empty, no clutter in the living or dining room, no laundry hanging in the bathroom, a semi-made bed, and a much-improved (although still not completely organized) bedroom and closet. I was in bed on time last night with suitcase packed and food ready and a list of last-minute items to add in the morning so I wouldn't forget them. It felt so reassuring, knowing that I didn't leave my surroundings in clutter and chaos. This wasn't the case when I went out of town two weeks ago, and I had to face the mess when I returned home, tired from the weekend activities and travel, and facing a busy week on the horizon. That did not feel reassuring. But I persevered. This homecoming will be an improvement I think. Because of organization.

librarianintx

A Good Feeling

Last night I slid into a freshly made bed, clean sheets, only about fifteen minutes past the bedtime I've set for myself. I worked five hours at my regular job, and another four hours at a work-from-home online job. There were no dishes in the sink, the dining room table was cleared, and I had clothes and food ready for this morning. I was calm, organized, feeling accomplished, and living in the moment. Life doesn't get much better than this for me. I felt so good.

I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.

I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.

At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."

I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.

I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.

librarianintx

Bill Cosby

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/6d90b1f473f147ed9f0048f9e9ac2287/apnewsbreak-cosby-said-he-got-drugs-give-women-sex

APNewsBreak: Cosby said he got drugs to give women for sex

 PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Bill Cosby testified in 2005 that he got Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with, and he admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman and "other people," according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.

The AP had gone to court to compel the release of the documents; Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.

The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.

Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. His lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls Monday.

Cosby has been accused by more than two dozen women of sexual misconduct, including allegations by many that he drugged and raped them in incidents dating back more than four decades. Cosby, 77, has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.

Cosby resigned in December from the board of trustees at Temple, where he was the popular face of the Philadelphia school in advertisements, fundraising campaigns and commencement speeches.

End of article

Wow. He actually admitted it. And he said this ten years ago, during a sworn deposition. So for at least ten years, some people knew he was guilty. And he knew he was guilty. But he kept acting like anyone who would even dare to think such a thing about him was terrible. Well, he's terrible. He's a rapist. Even if he only raped that one woman, he's still a rapist. But I don't think that was an isolated incident at all. And I feel so badly for all these women that have come forward with allegations, and have been labeled as liars, gold-diggers, fame whores. These women are victims. Victims of Bill Cosby, and victims of how society continues to treat women.

In an extremely small way, I can identify with these women. When I was in college, I was touched inappropriately by a professor. The few encounters were so brief and so vague, plus he was in such a position of authority at the university, that I did not think anyone would believe me, so I never made any allegations. I told a few friends at the time, and I mentioned my concerns to fellow female classmates, who I believed witnessed what happened. My friends urged me to talk to someone in the department, but my classmates all claimed that they didn't witness anything. The incidences made me uncomfortable, but I don't feel that I suffered any lasting effects from the situation. I've always felt vulnerable because of my size and disability, but I can't say that what happened with the professor has contributed to my issues with vulnerability. But maybe.

I grew up watching Bill Cosby. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show, the pudding commercials. He and Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie), Ralph Waite (the Waltons), Robert Reed (the Brady Bunch) and Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) were probably my principle television dads. And television dads have always been very important to me, since I lost my father when I was nine. I feel bad for all the people that believed in him, defended him, were close to him.

So many celebrities - sports heroes, entertainment personalities, political figures - that have fallen from grace. So many people that many of us have admired and believed in: Lance Armstrong, Steven Collins, John Edwards, Josh Duggar, the list is much longer. And now add Bill Cosby. From beloved television father, comedian, author, educator, motivational speaker, activist....to alleged serial rapist. It begs the question, "Who can you believe in anymore?"

librarianintx

 

July Blogging Commitment

I planned to promise that I would blog every day in July. It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that was too lofty of a goal. So I am now pledging to blog a minimum of 10 times this month. Set your goals a little lower so you can feel good when you exceed them.

When I was on my way to work one day last week, I saw this quote on the side of a building: "Live a great story."

I am not living a great story. I am living a story of fear, insecurity, and frustration. I am living a life where I constantly compare myself to others, and find me lacking in every way - confidence, ability, financial security, appearance, friendships, achievements.

I want to live a better story. I want a legacy that I can be proud of. I want to leave this earth secure in the belief that I did not waste this life I was afforded.

Success is a relative term. I want to discover my definition of success, and feel like I achieved it.

Librarianintx

Weather phobia

May 2015 was one of the wettest months ever in Texas. The good news is that all the rain ended the drought for most of the state, and replenished some of the lakes. But with the rain came severe weather, including some tornadoes. Overall I feel like I made at least a little progress in learning to manage my weather phobia. I won't say overcome, because I doubt I will ever totally conquer this fear. I still cannot deal with being my myself during a severe storm. But I was able to recognize my phobic tendencies and work on effective strategies to keep them under better control.

I know that my triggers are darkness and wind, plus knowing when a threat exists. Although I still checked the weather obsessively, I'm beginning to understand that forecasts and percentages are simply possibilities of what might happen. I figured out that the bright colors and strong language that meteorologists use to denote severe weather definitely plays into my fear. I have both a phobia and a fascination with bad weather. Even when my area is not under the gun, I find myself sometimes tuning in to the weather channel to watch the coverage of a tornado outbreak happening elsewhere. So I told myself this season that in order to work on controlling the phobia, I have to give up the fascination.

When a storm came up this spring, I learned to recognize my panic symptoms - fight or flight response, racing heart, headache, upset stomach - and I remembered to breathe, and tell myself that I was in a safe place and everything was going to be fine. I rarely feel protected no matter where I am, so I continually reminded myself that I was in a sturdy structure, and I had never been in a situation where the roof blew off or the windows shattered, and that probably would not happen this time either. If my area was under a tornado or severe thunderstorm watch, I tried to keep busy and not obsess about what might happen. Organizing, cleaning, and cooking were the activities I was most successful with, because they didn't take as much concentration as reading or watching a show, and I could move around and expend some of the nervous energy that the phobia generates.

My phobia is by no means eradicated. But I feel like I at least made some baby strides in learning to live with the fear more effectively. Fear of the weather can have a big effect on my emotional and physical well-being. It can affect my social life, and how I feel about myself. Constant worrying and dread can be exhausting, and cause physical pain as well. Always hoping that someone will rescue me from being alone during a storm makes me feel dependent and unstable. I want to be able to save myself during a storm. I want to be my own anchor. I'm not there yet, and maybe I never will be. But I'm still trying.

librarianintx   

Rachel Dolezal article

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/17/us/washington-rachel-dolezal-naacp/index.html

Ezra Dolezal would love to see his sister, Rachel, take a DNA test to prove whose version of the truth about her racial identity is the right one.

But he doesn't think she will.

Rachel Dolezal has gone from a Spokane, Washington, activist to the focus of a highly charged national debate in recent days, after reports surfaced that she was born white yet has claimed she is black. Amid the controversy, she resigned Monday as head of her local NAACP chapter and, a day later, spoke out extensively for the first time in an interview with NBC.

And she didn't back down when it comes how she sees herself, even after her parents shared childhood photos of a young Rachel Dolezal -- her pale complexion and straight blond hair in contrast to the woman with darker skin and dark curly hair who appeared on NBC. 

For the family, one comment stung especially hard. "I haven't had a DNA test," Dolezal said. "There's been no biological proof that Larry and Ruthanne are my biological parents."

Larry and Ruthanne are the Montana couple who helped drive this story, telling reporters that Rachel is their estranged daughter. Ezra Dolezal is black and adopted, one of four such children taken in by the Dolezals -- unlike Rachel, his older sister by 15 years, he says.

"I guarantee that she is not going to take a DNA test to prove that (Larry and Ruthanne Dolezal) are not her parents," Ezra Dolezal told CNN's "New Day" on Wednesday. "Because they are, and she doesn't want to be caught going back on her story again."

Self-portraits in brown crayon

Over the years, several reports have come out identifying Rachel Dolezal as transracial, multiracial or black. She hasn't corrected them -- in part because, it seems, she feels connected with the African-American experience, a link she claims began as early as age 5, when she drew self-portraits in brown instead of peach crayon and with black, curly hair.

"I identify as black," she told NBC's Matt Lauer.

This self-assessment, though, has bothered some -- including African-Americans who feel that Dolezal advanced as an activist by misrepresenting herself and by claiming personal injustices that weren't legitimate coming from a woman who could decide any day to present herself as white again.

She has had her defenders, too, with some pointing to the good she's done as an activist and saying she shouldn't be faulted for her tight bond with the black community.

'She's too nervous' to admit the truth, brother says

For all the Internet outrage, though, the ones most directly affected by all this are the Dolezals. And they couldn't be further apart.

It has been years since Rachel Dolezal talked with her parents. They've been on opposing sides of one custody battle, which ended with Rachel taking in one of Larry and Ruthanne's four adopted children as her own. And Rachel, who attended historically black Howard University and until very recently had taught classes on African-American culture at Eastern Washington University, has claimed she felt her connection with the black experience was stifled when she was growing up.

"I felt very isolated with my identity virtually my entire life, that nobody really got it and that I really didn't have the personal agency to express it," she told NBC. "I kind of imagined that maybe at some point (I'd have to) own it publicly and discuss this kind of complexity."

Yet her parents have challenged her assertions, including that she identified with African-Americans as a youngster or was held back in any way. They've challenged her integrity and even questioned her mental state.

Ezra Dolezal backed his adopted parents Wednesday, while ripping what he called a web of lies -- a web that, he said, is growing bigger by the day.

"I think ... she's too nervous to just admit that she's not been telling the truth," he said. "(That) is why she keeps on making up more and more lies to help fit the story as it goes."

End of article

My thoughts:

I haven't read or watched that much about Rachel, but I think I've seen enough to have an informed opinion. And for me, this whole situation is actually quite simple. Be who you want to be. If you feel like a black person on the inside, if you identify as a member of the African American community, then by all means wear a weave and bronzer and whatever you choose to do to make your outside match your inside. Apply to a historically black college and spend your life for fighting for equal rights for the community that you feel you belong to. I have absolutely no problem with any of that. More power to you. 

What is not okay with me are all the apparent lies that she has told in her quest to live her life as an African American, civil rights activist / educator / author / etc. She has lied about who her biological parents are. She has said her adopted brother is her son. Which is the saddest part of this story, because obviously her parents have no hang-ups about race - they adopted four black children! Their beef with Rachel - just like mine - is not about the fact that she identifies as black - but in the fact that she has lied about being black. And she has lied about other parts of her life as well. Apparently she is a competent educator and has worked hard on behalf of the African American community, and I don't think her efforts or her accomplishments in the field of civil rights should be negated. As NAACP officials have stated, a person does not have to be black to join their ranks and toil for their cause. All someone needs is a commitment to social justice and helping others, and Rachel definitely has that. How unfortunate that she felt she had to lie in order to live the live she desired.

librarianintx

Passion over fear

"One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed is watching her passion become greater than her fear."

That is a quote from Demi Moore about her daughter, Rumer Willis, during this past season of "Dancing with the Stars." Rumer spoke about how she was teased and bullied as a child for her looks, and how being on "Dancing with the Stars" and learning to dance made her feel beautiful. As much as I enjoyed Riker and Allison this season, I was also a big fan of Rumer and Val, and I'm very pleased that they won. Rumer and Val have amazing chemistry, and it was evident how much being on the show meant to Rumer. Every dance was a work of art, beauty, and grace. Riker had great energy, enthusiasm, and a competitive spirit. But Rumer had a passion for dancing that emanated from her every week like explosives. No one this season was more expressive, more determined, more in love with dancing than Rumer.

When Amber Riley won her season, she said something like, "If something scares me, that makes me want to do it even more." People like Amber and Rumer - women that have their goals in sight, and have the fire, the drive, the passion to get what they want - that is the kind of woman I want to be. I want to know what I want, and not let anything or anyone stop me from achieving it. To do that, though, you have to have self-esteem. You have to have a belief in yourself and your abilities. You can't let fear derail you. Fear of success. Fear of failure. And therein lies my difficulties. I don't have the belief in myself. And I let fear stop me at every opportunity.

I hand my power over to fear on a daily basis.
I won't be a success in life until I find a way to change that mindset.

librarianintx

Five Words to Live Your Life By

The Mind Unleashed on Facebook had an article yesterday that outlined the five words to live your life by. In the opinion of the author of that article, the five words should be:

No
Yes
Believe
Love
Persevere

So I was thinking about what my five words would be. I'm not saying these are words that lead me to a healthy emotional existence necessarily, but they are the five words I would most associate with my life:

1) Harmony
I have a small wall decoration in my room with the Chinese symbol for the word harmony, and I have used Harmony as a screen name occasionally. I am always striving to be in harmony in life. I am happiest when the people around me are in harmony, and I am in harmony with them. I feel upset at the slightest amount of discord. I struggle so much with any kind of conflict. When my surroundings are clean and organized, my mind is quiet, and the people around me have smiles on their faces, that is harmony. For me, harmony is synonymous with peace, tranquility, balance, happiness. 

2) Balance
This refers to several aspects of balance:
a) physical balance - I have fairly poor balance, due to muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, and the effects of an inner ear disorder. Falling is a constant concern, but luckily is not an issue yet. I have exercises I should be doing, but I rarely do them.
b) emotional balance - Partly due to my personality, possibly partly due to age, my emotions can change on a dime. I can be pretty happy one minute, and in tears the next. Sometimes the fluctuations are even more pronounced.
c) activities balance - Every day it seems I am confronted with the challenge of choosing between what I want to do vs what I need to do, or what other people want me to do. Between my own struggles with motivation and the desire to help/do for others, I often find at the end of the day that I am disappointed with my decisions or feel unfulfilled with how I have spent my time.

3) Accomplishment
See a pattern here? Each word leads to the next word. I am very accomplishment-oriented. Because of fatigue, other health issues, and mundane daily tasks that must get done, I often climb into bed at night feeling sad and frustrated about what I wasn't able to do that day. Sometimes the things on the list are tasks like dishes or paying a bill or something I needed to do at work. Usually they are hobbies I enjoy like blogging, journaling, or reading. But I am working on this area of my life. I am making time for the activities that I enjoy. I want to go to bed at night feeling like I made good use of my time and energy that day. More than anything, I want to be living a purposeful life.

4) Concentration
I have a good day when I am able to concentrate on what I am doing. I fall into old habits of worry and rumination when I'm having trouble concentrating. So a very good day happens when I can focus on reading, journaling, blogging, or other hobbies that I enjoy. Focusing on a television show or listening to music are other helpful activities. I also feel good when I am able to exercise. An example of a bad day is me coming home from work, sitting on my bed or on the couch, and spending the afternoon worrying about future events, recalling past troubles and traumas, and generally becoming mired in negativity. When I can't concentrate on a hobby, performing physical activities like doing dishes and straightening up my room and the bathroom will help me feel productive and keep me from worrying, but it will also leave me with less time and energy for the activities that I enjoy. So the ability to concentrate helps me feel more balanced and I feel more accomplished too.

5) Resiliency
I know I've written much about my struggles with and desire for resiliency. Self-esteem, self-empowerment, belief in oneself and her abilities all contribute to resiliency. In contrast, fear, rumination, lack of concentration, disharmony, etc, all work against resiliency.
The Mind Unleashed also listed the five powerful rituals of mentally strong people:
They use passion and love to fuel their drive to get the hard things done.
They focus their energy solely on what they can control.
They make every action a positive one.
They are relentlessly consistent.
They act as if what they do makes a difference.
I think all of these contribute greatly to resilience, especially the third one: They focus their energy solely on what they can control. So important!!

librarianintx

SYTYCD Premiere

I was pleasantly surprised. Since they changed the format (stage vs street) and added two new permanent judges (Paula Abdul and Jason Derulo) I had not been excited about the show at all. I even considered not watching.

But I'm glad I did. The magic is still there for me. They showcased some very good dancers. There were heartwarming moments. And some laughs. My favorite moment was the kids dancing with Jason.

Paula usually drives me crazy as a judge, but I thought she did well last night. Her comments were coherent and she didn't ramble or stammer. The three judges played off each other well. I got the giggles too when Paula and Jason lost it over "ballhopping." 

I was not a fan of Jason's guest judging appearance last season, but I thought he did pretty well last night. I enjoyed the two times he went on stage, although I was disappointed in his blatant uncomfortableness with the effeminate contestants. I am a fan of his music, however, and happy to have the opportunity to hear "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Want to Want You." 

So it was a premiere as good as any other season of the show, and I look forward to months of tears, triumphs, and incredible dancing. Bring it!

librarianintx

My accomplishments yesterday

1) I stayed calm through a rushed afternoon by drinking water and remembering to breathe.

2) I was social on a week night - went to a symphony / choral concert with friends.

3) I did not sit in the back of the theatre at the concert. 

4) I braved a severe storm late at night by myself with the aid of my i-pod.

I had a good day.
I was resilient.

librarianintx

Adventures in eating out and ethnic food

For several reasons, eating in a restaurant is not usually the pleasurable experience that it is for most people. I was teased by family members when I was growing up for how slowly I eat. I'm not comfortable eating in front of people. I have some trouble chewing and swallowing. I am often in pain in my neck and shoulders when I sit, and I get dizziness/vertigo spells, which can contribute to anxiety. And I'm also neurotic and worry too much about possible food poisoning. So for all these reasons, I usually tolerate eating out more than I enjoy it. I tend to order an appetizer, or I order a regular meal and take part of it home. I also share a meal with someone sometimes.

I also am not an adventurous eater. I grew up eating mainly American, Tex-Mex, or Italian food. I rarely had the opportunity to try ethnic food, and the few times that I did go to an ethnic restaurant as a young adult, I was nervous about trying anything new. I have always been reticent to try new food. My roommate has attempted to break me of my bad habit of saying, "Oh, I don't like that," when in actuality I have never sampled it. He has managed to get me to try a few things, but unfortunately I haven't liked most of the foods I've tried. Beets and brussel sprouts are two examples. *shudder* But at least I tried them.

Lately, however, I have improved significantly in this area of my life. I can't explain the change; it seemed to happen overnight. All of a sudden I want to go to new restaurants, especially ethnic ones. Maybe its a bucket list kind of thing. And wanting to break out of a rut. I'm excited for this change. It feels good to actually WANT to go to a restaurant. And its been so much fun to sample different food and discover things that I like.

I had already had some Indian and Middle Eastern food within the last few years. During the last two weeks, I've been to TWO Ethiopian restaurants, and a new Middle Eastern place. Wait, what? Ethiopian food? Seriously? Me? The girl who doesn't try new things?

Even more exciting than the fact that I actually went to these restaurants, at both Ethiopian establishments I at least tasted everything that we ordered. I didn't refuse anything. I am very sensitive to spicy food, so I wavered a bit at the foods that my roommate said were spicy, but he said just try a small bite. So I did. At one place in particular we were able to sample every vegetarian item on the menu, because we each were able to order one main dish and three sides. At the Ethiopian restaurants, the food is all served on one big platter, so it was easy for us to share. My roommate and the friend we went with to both places are vegetarians, so I didn't try any of the meat dishes. Not yet anyway. So there was the girl who doesn't try new things sampling foods like collard greens, cabbage, and spicy red lentils. The lentils were too spicy for me, and the cabbage was just okay, but I liked the collard greens quite a bit. My favorite dish at one restaurant was a stew made with potatoes, carrots, and peas. And at the other place I really liked the savory pastries stuffed with either lentils or spinach.

At the new Middle Eastern place, I was less adventurous, sticking to foods that I know I like - hummus (which took me awhile to have a taste for), coriander potatoes, and fried cauliflower. But I did try the falafel that my roommate ordered, and I liked it. At least I still tried a new place. And I'm eager to go back there and try new foods.

Yesterday I saw that there is an Indian food restaurant very close to our apartment. I texted my roommate, and told him I wanted to go there. I've looked at the menu, and already decided which dish I want to try first. They have a buffet, so maybe I'll do that so I can sample more foods.

My roommate is proud of me, and I am proud of myself. New food is fun. Going out to eat is finally a positive experience.

I am still a little wary of some ethnic food, like Asian, especially Thai for some reason. I don't know why. But I'm going to work on that.

Life is an adventure. Get out and live it.

librarianintx

Josh Duggar

Yup.

I'm going there.

There's no need to copy and paste an article. He is the big story on the Internet. Of course he is. Fundamentalist Christian, spokesperson for the Family Research Council, oldest son of the Duggar family, who have a hit television show on the TLC network - admitted yesterday that when he was a teenager he "acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret."

What did he do?
According to official documents, he molested at least five underage girls. Some of the offenses were felonies. Even worse, there are reports that four of the five girls were his own sisters.

Where do I even begin with this? Well, let's just go right to the top, and talk about the enormous hypocrisy of this family. Overwhelming hypocrisy. Josh was the spokesperson for the Family Research Council, a militant anti-gay organization. His mother, Michelle, made robocalls, warning people that the gay and transgender communities were coming to molest their children. AND HER OWN SON IS A CHILD MOLESTER!!! A child molester preying on his own sisters! (allegedly). She and her husband knew for at least a year what was going on before they took any steps to address the situation. And then what was their solution? At first they claim they sought counseling for Josh through their church. Not great, but better than no counseling at all. Then Michelle admitted that it wasn't counseling; they just sent Josh to live with a family friend for three months to do manual labor. That was his rehabilitation. Then they took Josh to a friend who happens to be a state trooper. Did the trooper alert the authorities? No. He gave Josh "a stern lecture." And that cured him? He's never done it again? There are how many underage girls in his family? And now he has daughters of his own. Are they safe? Did any of his victims receive counseling? Is anyone thinking of the victims in all of this? And oh by the way, the trooper that gave Josh the stern lecture? He's currently serving time for child pornography. C'mon! You couldn't make this shit up if you tried!!

So many people should be held liable for this tragedy. Josh of course, except now the statute of limitations has run out. His parents, who knew what was happening and did nothing to help their son, and more importantly, allowed their daughters and others to be molested. The church officials, who apparently were informed but did not contact the authorities. Josh's wife, Anna, who says she knew about the abuse before she married him, and continues to have children with a now admitted molester. And the state trooper, who had a legal obligation more than anyone involved, but did not make a report. This whole situation would never have come light except for the fact that employees at the Oprah show were told about the allegations, and they were the ones who contacted Children's Protective Services. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This seemingly perfect, happy, close knit, G-d praising family. This holier-than-thou bunch with their ultra-strict courtship rituals and potentially psychologically damaging homeschooling practices.

Thank goodness TLC has stepped up quickly and announced that the show has been pulled from the channel's line-up for now. Hopefully it will be cancelled permanently. There goes your source of income, Duggars. What are you going to do now? Politics is hopefully no longer an option for Jim Bob and Josh, although current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee continues to publicly support the family. I guess this also means that Jim Bob and Michelle's hopes to adopt children are now dashed. Would any organization actually consider them worthy candidates for adoption? I certainly hope not. Their daughter Jessa and her husband Ben have also mentioned adoption. Would having a brother who is a child molester keep them from being able to adopt? Would they disclose the information? They come from a famous family, so I doubt they could keep it under wraps. 

There is so much tragedy in all of this. One of the most chilling aspects is the support the Duggars are receiving from the Christian community. The right-wing Christian community I should say. "Boys will be boys," "It happened a long time ago, move on," "G-d forgave him and cured him, that's all that matters," "Its my favorite show; I'm boycotting TLC now," - these are not isolated comments. There is still rampant and vocal support for the Duggars and Josh in this country. These people who don't believe that gay people are human and women should be able to make decisions about their own bodies are falling over themselves to declare their admiration for a child molester and the parents who failed to protect their daughters from the predator in their own house.

The whole thing makes me absolutely sick.

librarianintx

Survivor Finale

I thought this season's theme of "White Collar vs Blue Collar vs No Collar" was interesting, and there was certainly plenty of controversy, but once Joe was voted out, I wasn't rooting for anyone. As long as Rodney didn't make it to the finals or win, I didn't care who did take the title of Sole Survivor. Mike winning was fine. He definitely did enough to deserve the million dollar prize. I would have been okay with Carolyn winning as well. But I liked Joe the best this season.

I did not vote for next season's cast, but I am very happy with three people who were selected: Spencer, Wu, and Joe! I am SO excited that Spencer is getting a second chance. I was so sad when he ended up fourth in his season. I hope he does well this time.

I also think Wu deserves a second chance. He made it to the finale in his season, but he didn't win. I like Wu. I like Spencer more, but I'll be happy to see Wu have a successful run this time around.

And of course I'm excited to see Joe have another opportunity. He is a good player and should have made it further than he did this season.

See you in the fall, Survivor!

librarianintx

Sansa Stark Storyline on Game of Thrones

Let me state right off that I am NOT a Game of Thrones expert. I have watched the show from the beginning, but I have not read any of the books, although some of my friends and family have. So I know about some of the differences between the books and the show. I am interested in the show and I want to understand it better, but I don't plan to read the books because they are so long and very dense, and I am a slow reader.

I just want to briefly state my opinion about the uproar regarding Sansa's recent storyline. If you watch the show, but are not caught up, stop reading now, because this discussion will be a big spoiler for you. Okay, for people who don't watch the show but want some idea about what I'm talking about - Sansa is the eldest daughter of a now-deceased respected lord on this wildly popular fantasy series. Sansa was forced to marry the bastard son of the man who took over her home of Winterfell and was responsible for the death of her mother and eldest brother. The bastard son, Ramsey Bolton, is a truly evil man. Even though Sansa had been briefly married before, she was still a virgin. Long story there. When Sansa married Ramsey, he asked her if she was lying when she confirmed that she was still a virgin. He then ripped her wedding dress down the back, bent her over the bed, and proceeded to rape her.

A lot of people are furious about this storyline. While I can't say I'm thrilled that Sansa was raped, I understand why it happened. Ramsey Bolton is a horrible, horrible person. A friend of mine calls him "a sadistic fuck," and she's exactly right. I don't see why people are so surprised that he took Sansa by force. Did they expect Ramsey to make sweet, sweet love to his new bride? Please. Of course he was going to rape her.

Game of Thrones is not a show for children. It is a mature drama packed with violence, foul language, nudity, and adult situations. I was actually pleased with how the writers handled the scene. The actress who plays Sansa was not naked, and once she was bent over the bed, the camera panned away from her. In some ways that was more powerful. We knew what was happening to her, but we couldn't see her. We only heard her cries and screams.

Some people are upset because this scene was not in the books. From what I've heard though, the character of Ramsey is even worse than his portrayal on the tv show. He doesn't rape Sansa in the books, but he rapes someone else, and it is an even more violent act than what we had to witness on the show. And he does other vile things as well. So while I can understand people not being happy about a rape scene, I think their anger at the show is unjustified. This is not the kind of show where people live happily ever after. It is a dark show with a lot of evil people in it, and many of the characters lead unhappy, tortured lives. Sansa is a character that many people were hoping would find some happiness, but at least so far that has not transpired.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Winner

Congratulations to Rumer and Val!

It was a bittersweet night for me, as I knew it would be. I'm thrilled for Rumer and Val and disappointed for Riker and Allison. It was a great season, as they all have been. Dancing with the Stars remains one of my favorite shows.

I didn't get to watch all of the finale, but I will. I wish the eliminated contestants had the opportunity to do new dances, especially Willow. But I enjoyed some of the repeat performances, including Rumer and Val's disco-themed samba, and Patti and Artem's "In Da Club" dance. I also liked Jason Derulo's number because I'm super into his song these days.

Thank you Dancing with the Stars! See you in the fall!

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Finale Performances

I'm only going to comment on Riker's and Rumer's dances, because in my opinion they are the two contenders for the mirrorball trophy.

I think both couples were very smart with their choices of re-do performances.  The dances were highly successful the first time around, and even more so last night.

Riker's paso is my favorite dance of the season. Wow, what a dance! The energy, the passion, the spectacle. "A super production for a super talent," Bruno had exclaimed the first time around. Last night the dance was even better, which I didn't think was possible. It was even more exciting, the moves sharper and more emphatic. The dance left me breathless; it was thrilling. I almost cried when Len gave him not one, but two standing ovations. We were a witness to history last night. 

Rumer's foxtrot was also even better the second time. I love the connection between Rumer and Val, the mutual admiration they have for each other. And the joy that Rumer communicates when she dances. Many celebrities have experienced life-changing transformations during their time on Dancing with the Stars, and Rumor is one of those contestants. The girl who felt like an ugly duckling growing up has become a beautiful, confident dancer, and a role model in the process. The dance had the grace and flow and sweeping movement across the floor that one looks for in the foxtrot, and Hozier's song was a perfect fit. 

I have to admit, I was a tad disappointed with both freestyles, for different reasons. While Riker's had the big production value that is typical of a freestyle, I didn't feel like the dance was the best fit for him. Riker is a bass player; he's a pop/rock guy. That routine felt a bit too old for him. The content and skill level were high and he certainly danced well, but I wanted more of a rock and roll version of Apollo and Julianne's hip hop freestyle. I wanted something young and fresh and innovative, something a little more high-energy. Mark and Shawn Johnson's freestyle is another good example. Perhaps Allison was trying to appeal to the somewhat older, more mainstream demographic of the Dancing with the Stars audience, and I can definitely see the value in that way of thinking. I was impressed by the dance, but I wasn't jumping up and down about it. I will watch his paso for years to come, but I just was not as interested in his freestyle. 

There is no doubt that Rumer and Val's dance was gorgeous. It was passionate, romantic, traditional, and full of content. But it didn't feel like a freestyle. It felt more like a regular dance. Their disco-inspired samba was more of a freestyle, with plenty of exciting lifts and tricks. Like Allison, I think Val made a smart move strategically. He knows that their chemistry is one of their biggest assets, and both he and Rumer enjoy the traditional ballroom dances. A few years ago Kellie Pickler and Derek won with a simple, beautiful, understated freestyle, so Val knows it can be done. I don't think his decision was a bad one. The dance was just not what I was hoping for in the freestyle round.

Riker and Rumer deserve to win Dancing with the Stars. I have never wanted a tie more than I do this season. I adore both of them. I will be overjoyed for whoever wins and sad for whoever comes in second. They should know that each of them deserves to win, and they have both won my heart. Congratulations to them, and to their worthy partners, Allison and Val, who also have a piece of my heart. 

librarianintx

Life is always changing

"Right now you might not feel the best you've ever felt, you might feel that things will never get better. But don't give up. Tomorrow you might see something wonderful. The thing you're worrying about might be resolved, You might have a good day tomorrow, you may smile. In a few years time the things that are making you feel like this will be forgotten about."

from makethingspositive.com

This is so true and so important to understand. Life is a series of ups and downs. You have to survive the rough spots to enjoy the high points. And in order to do that, you have to realize that the bad patches aren't going to last forever, even though sometimes it feels like they are. You have to persevere. Somehow you have to find the resilience to forge ahead. The people in your life can support you, but ultimately you are the one who has to make your life work. You are the one who has to find the strength and courage within.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to walk through it."

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Semi-Finals

I am SOOOO thrilled that Riker and Allison made it to the finals! And to be perfectly honest, I am surprised. I was prepared for them to get cut last night. I had to be. They had already been in or near the bottom more than once.

In my opinion, the top four should have been Rumer, Riker, Nastia, and Willow. That would have been an outstanding final four. I think Noah is an inspiration, but he does not belong in the Dancing finals. Amy Purdy deserved to be in the finals. J.R. Martinez deserved to be in the finals. Noah does not have the dance abilities that Amy and J.R. have. But as I have said time and time again, Dancing with the Stars is NOT a dance competition. It is a popularity contest. And that is why Nastia went home. She did not connect with the audience on a personality level. And because of that, no matter how amazing her dancing was, the audience was not inspired to vote for her.

I will be very happy if either Rumer or Riker wins. I truly adore both of them. Riker is SO cute, and I love his energy and how hard he has worked this season to improve his technique. But I have also loved watching Rumer blossom this season, and the chemistry she has with Val is mesmerizing. As in seasons past, who takes the mirrorball trophy may be decided on the strength of the freestyle routine. All three contestants have shown that they can execute exciting lifts and tricks, and often that ability is what makes a successful freestyle.

I'll be watching - and most likely voting! :)
librarianintx

Caring for Yourself

Be Kind to Yourself - Right Now
http://www.mindful.org/mindful-magazine/be-kind-to-yourself%E2%80%94right-now

To be kind to others, you need to start with yourself. 

People often find some difficulty in caring for themselves, in receiving love, in believing they deserve to be happy.

Imagine for a moment the amount of energy you expend brooding over the future, ruminating about the past, comparing yourself to others, judging yourself, worrying about what might happen next. That is a huge amount of energy. Now imagine all of that energy gathered in and returned to you. Underlying our usual patterns of self-preoccupation, stinging self-judgment, and fear is the universal, innate potential for love and awareness.

Loving kindness meditations point us back to a place within, where we can cultivate love and help it flourish.
Developing care toward ourselves is the first objective, the foundation for later being able to include others in the sphere of kindness.

This loving kindness practice involves silently repeating phrases that offer good qualities to oneself and to others.

1. You can start by taking delight in your own goodness—calling to mind things you have done out of good-heartedness, and rejoicing in those memories to celebrate the potential for goodness we all share.

2. Silently recite phrases that reflect what we wish most deeply for ourselves in an enduring way. Traditional phrases are:

• May I live in safety.
• May I have mental happiness (peace, joy).
• May I have physical happiness (health, freedom from pain).
• May I live with ease.

3. Repeat the phrases with enough space and silence between so they fall into a rhythm that is pleasing to you. Direct your attention to one phrase at a time.

4. Each time you notice your attention has wandered, be kind to yourself and let go of the distraction. Come back to repeating the phrases without judging or disparaging yourself.

5. After some time, visualize yourself in the center of a circle composed of those who have been kind to you, or have inspired you because of their love. Perhaps you’ve met them, or read about them; perhaps they live now, or have existed historically or even mythically. That is the circle. As you visualize yourself in the center of it, experience yourself as the recipient of their love and attention. Keep gently repeating the phrases of loving kindness for yourself.

6. To close the session, let go of the visualization, and simply keep repeating the phrases for a few more minutes. Each time you do so, you are transforming your old, hurtful relationship to yourself, and are moving forward, sustained by the force of kindness.

End of article.

This past weekend, I was out of town, and did not feel well enough to return home and start the work week. Considering how much I have traveled during the past few years, I feel fortunate that this is the first time I have been unable to return home due to illness. Still, I spun in my head about whether or not I could or should travel back on Sunday. I was not too sick to travel; I felt it would be better not to push myself. But then I felt guilty about missing work, and possibly inconveniencing my loved ones. But once I finally made the decision to stay, I said to myself, "You don't feel well. You need to be kind to yourself. You are expending so much energy with your worry and indecision. Be okay with the choice you made, and know that it was the right decision for you." As soon as I said that to myself - wow - what a change in my physical and emotional health. I felt remarkably calm and relaxed. Staying an extra forty eight hours gave me the opportunity to spend more time with my mom on this Mother's Day weekend, and to make memories with other loved ones. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I made a conscious decision to enjoy the added time, and not feel guilty about missing work. When I made a commitment to improve my emotional health, my physical health - while not necessarily improving - at least made the symptoms of my chronic condition easier to manage.

librarianintx

Toughness

"You're tough," he said with conviction.
I nodded and flexed my non-existent biceps.
But we both know I am not the least bit tough.
Unless you mean tough on myself.
In that realm, I am a champion.
Still, he was sweet to say it.
Maybe one day there will be some truth to the words.

Librarianintx

More about Fear

I feel like there isn't anyone less brave than I am.
But I also detest the competition game.
So I try to be kind to myself.
To be encouraging.
To be proud of every accomplishment and victory, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant.

Librarianintx