A small accomplishment

I know my life would be more satisfying and fulfilling if I had more confidence in myself. Why do I have so little faith in my abilities? Why, for example, does a simple night out with friends become such a crisis for me? All day yesterday I tried to talk myself out of going to visit friends who are in town from California. I haven't seen them in at least three years. They are leaving today, so last night was our only opportunity.

"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."

On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.

And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.

I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up.  My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.

When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.

This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?

librarianintx