Photos

Even though I don't like the way I look, I am a person who likes to be in pictures, because to me photographs are memories. They are tangible evidence of places I've been and events in my life. When I have time I enjoy looking at my photo albums and the pictures on my computer. Some pictures I like better than others, of course, but they are all meaningful to me.

Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.

When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.

I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.

I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.

librarianintx