Dreams

I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. I've been blessed with remarkably good sleep for a number of years, even with my need for nighttime ventilation ( a bipap machine), so my sleep struggles have obviously been difficult to deal with. I usually fall asleep quickly, but I've been waking up at various times in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. Sometimes this is due to stomach aches and indigestion most likely caused by the bipap. Other times I'm waking up because the bipap mask is leaking air, or is causing discomfort because I have it on too tight. And then sometimes I'm waking up from bad dreams.

I don't need a therapist to tell me why I'm suffering from bad dreams. The dreams vary from simply wacky to downright scary, but they all have a common theme: a complete lack of control.

I don't always remember the dreams the next day, but some of them are so unnerving that they stay with me for much of the next day. But I don't usually remember them for more than a day, luckily. Still, the feeling of not having control in my life is something that is not just occurring in my dreams.

Last night the dream was just more odd than scary. Some woman I didn't know was eating my food. I don't know where I was, or where the food came from. I just know it was my food, and the woman was eating it. And I kept yelling at her and begging her not to eat my food, and she just kept calmly eating it. And the more she ate, the more frustrated and upset I became. But I couldn't do anything to stop her. She completely ignored me.

So I followed her to her house, after she finished eating my food. And I kept asking her why she did it, but she never answered me. When we got to her house, she cooked a big batch of something with shrimp in it; some kind of shrimp stir fry. And it smelled delicious. She offered me some, but I didn't eat it, because I was still mad at her. And then I woke up.

Yesterday was a nice day. I went to a friend's birthday gathering, and then another friend came over for the evening. I don't have many opportunities to be social these days, so I was happy to spend time with people. Still, I always feel a certain lack of control in these situations. Because I don't drive, I couldn't decide what time I went to the party, and what time I came home. When you're at a party, you do what the majority wants to do, or what the party organizer wants to do. When the birthday boy wanted to watch some music videos by a very strange band, there isn't much you can do but sit there and watch. I mean, you can leave, except if you're me, you can't leave because the person you came with wasn't ready to leave. And later, back at home, you watch a show that you've never seen before and honestly don't care about, because that's what your friend wants to watch, and you know that she wouldn't be interested in what you would want to watch. 

I am a people pleaser, and I do what other people want to do, because I want them to be happy, and because I can't handle conflict. My needs, interests, and desires almost always take a backseat to what the people around me want. Obviously there is give and take in every relationship, and compromise is important. I'm not saying I should get my way every time. But I do think I should stand up for myself more, and say what I want and what I need. Most of the time it doesn't bother me to put myself second. I like making people happy, and keeping the peace. But I'm beginning to think that my people pleasing personality and not taking enough time for the hobbies and pursuits that I enjoy are affecting my dreams.

librarianintx