A small accomplishment

I know my life would be more satisfying and fulfilling if I had more confidence in myself. Why do I have so little faith in my abilities? Why, for example, does a simple night out with friends become such a crisis for me? All day yesterday I tried to talk myself out of going to visit friends who are in town from California. I haven't seen them in at least three years. They are leaving today, so last night was our only opportunity.

"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."

On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.

And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.

I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up.  My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.

When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.

This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?

librarianintx

Quote

Saw this quote on Facebook last night, and it made me cry:

"I hope you know you're capable & brave & significant, even when you feel like you're not."

This pretty much sums up my life most of the time. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. But every day I get up and I keep trying. I search within myself for strength, strive for accomplishment, and yearn for balance and contentment. I understand that every day is a gift, and what I want most is to feel worthy and useful. Our time on earth is precious and limited, and I want to know I'm living a purposeful existence.

librarianintx

My Long-Term Goals in Life

I think my long-term goals are simple, and certainly achievable:

1) Be motivated
Motivation leads to productivity. Motivation lessens or even eliminates procrastination. Productivity usually results in success. So if I can muster motivation, then procrastination will be no longer hinder me, and I will find the success that means so much to me.

2) Create balance
I am working hard on this one. I desire to find balance between helping others, which feels right and good to me, and making enough time in the day for myself and what I enjoy. If I use all my energy and hours doing for others, then I fear I will become frustrated and resentful. I need to continue discovering what I like to do, and make space in my life for those endeavors. I also need to achieve balance between work and play, and between rest and activity.

3) Live in the moment
This is my mantra now. When I begin to ruminate about the future, or obsess about the past, I say out loud to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Be in the here and now. And right this minute, you are fine. You are okay."

4) Avoid comparisons
Hard to do when you are raised by a parent who makes it her life's work to draw comparisons. My hair will never be as pretty as my sister's, I will never achieve the writing success that my niece has already in her young life, and I will never have the money or the physical ability to travel. See how hard it is not to do it? For me, ending the compulsion to compare ties in perfectly with the other three goals. When I'm not comparing and constantly finding myself lacking, then I have more motivation, I am achieving balance, and I am living in the moment. I have to be okay with the knowledge that I will never be attractive, I probably will not have the opportunity or ability to travel, and I will not have a lot of money. This does not mean I will not work towards financial security or the possibility of travel. It means I will be grateful for what I have, proud of my accomplishments, and pleased for the good fortunes of others without bitterness and jealousy.

Hey, this is my eleventh post for the month of July. Short-term goal met...and exceeded! Yea me! :)

librarianintx

My new netbook

Happy is all plugged in, connected to the Internet, and getting comfortable in her new surroundings, on the recently cleared off desk in my bedroom.

I think she will feel at home here.

I'm excited to have her.

This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.

Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat.  Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.

But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.

People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.

I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel.  :-)

I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.

Welcome home, Happy!

librarianintx

Why I'm not sleeping affects my mood

Just an observation here. I find that when I don't get enough sleep because I'm awake late doing something enjoyable - at a party, hanging with friends, making out / having sex - then my mood is good the next day. My energy level is decent and my fatigue is not as prominent. But when I don't sleep well because I'm stressed, or something is keeping me awake (like an annoying smoke detector!), or if I've simply reached the age where sleep is more elusive, then I can be irritable and worn out the next day.

So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)

librarianintx

From independence to helplessness

A week ago yesterday I spent the better part of the day arranging the clothes in my closet. That wasn't on my list of activities for the day, but once I got started, I didn't want to stop. I have two low bars in closet and one high bar. I like to arrange my clothes seasonally. Since I have difficulty reaching the high bar, my summer shirts and capris pants are on the low bars, and most of my long sleeved shirts and corduroy pants are up on the high bar. But all my dresses, regardless of season, have to be on the high bar, or they would drag on the floor.

My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.

I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!

I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.

And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.

Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.

Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.

librarianintx

Photos

Even though I don't like the way I look, I am a person who likes to be in pictures, because to me photographs are memories. They are tangible evidence of places I've been and events in my life. When I have time I enjoy looking at my photo albums and the pictures on my computer. Some pictures I like better than others, of course, but they are all meaningful to me.

Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.

When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.

I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.

I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.

librarianintx

An investment

I can't afford it. I mean, I can, technically, but I shouldn't. But I bought it, with help from wonderful people in my life, as an investment in my future. My future as...a blogger...a writer...an editor...a recapper...some or none of the these? Hopefully, at least one. Here is my investment...

She is beautiful!
I have named her Happy.
Of course the color attracted me. But mainly it was the keyboard. I have found most netbook and laptop keyboards difficult to use. So far this one is much easier.
Easier makes me so happy.
I went to a computer store two days ago with absolutely no thought of buying a computer.
And here she is. :)
I am going to do all I can to make the investment pay off.

librarianintx

The best sentence I've ever read

The middle niece, the one who has the worry / OCD gene that runs in my family, is currently experiencing her summer abroad. The girl who a few years ago had panic attacks in her high school classes, had to drop out of band for a time, and was often afraid to take a shower, is now taking Germany, the Czech Republic, Spain, and Austria by storm. Her Facebook page is filled with pictures of her visiting historic places, swinging from trees, standing on skyscraper observation decks, and partying with a bunch of new friends. In answer to a question from her mother, she wrote the best sentence I ever read: "Mom, I'm not afraid of anything anymore..."

I am in awe.
And so so so proud.
You go, girl.

librarianintx

Organization

I know I've mentioned before how much being organized means to me. It makes me happy, it keeps me calm, it affords me at least a measure of peace. This morning I left my apartment for work and then a mini-vacation with no dishes in the sink, dishwasher nearly empty, no clutter in the living or dining room, no laundry hanging in the bathroom, a semi-made bed, and a much-improved (although still not completely organized) bedroom and closet. I was in bed on time last night with suitcase packed and food ready and a list of last-minute items to add in the morning so I wouldn't forget them. It felt so reassuring, knowing that I didn't leave my surroundings in clutter and chaos. This wasn't the case when I went out of town two weeks ago, and I had to face the mess when I returned home, tired from the weekend activities and travel, and facing a busy week on the horizon. That did not feel reassuring. But I persevered. This homecoming will be an improvement I think. Because of organization.

librarianintx

A Good Feeling

Last night I slid into a freshly made bed, clean sheets, only about fifteen minutes past the bedtime I've set for myself. I worked five hours at my regular job, and another four hours at a work-from-home online job. There were no dishes in the sink, the dining room table was cleared, and I had clothes and food ready for this morning. I was calm, organized, feeling accomplished, and living in the moment. Life doesn't get much better than this for me. I felt so good.

I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.

I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.

At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."

I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.

I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.

librarianintx

Bill Cosby

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/6d90b1f473f147ed9f0048f9e9ac2287/apnewsbreak-cosby-said-he-got-drugs-give-women-sex

APNewsBreak: Cosby said he got drugs to give women for sex

 PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Bill Cosby testified in 2005 that he got Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with, and he admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman and "other people," according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.

The AP had gone to court to compel the release of the documents; Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.

The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.

Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. His lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls Monday.

Cosby has been accused by more than two dozen women of sexual misconduct, including allegations by many that he drugged and raped them in incidents dating back more than four decades. Cosby, 77, has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.

Cosby resigned in December from the board of trustees at Temple, where he was the popular face of the Philadelphia school in advertisements, fundraising campaigns and commencement speeches.

End of article

Wow. He actually admitted it. And he said this ten years ago, during a sworn deposition. So for at least ten years, some people knew he was guilty. And he knew he was guilty. But he kept acting like anyone who would even dare to think such a thing about him was terrible. Well, he's terrible. He's a rapist. Even if he only raped that one woman, he's still a rapist. But I don't think that was an isolated incident at all. And I feel so badly for all these women that have come forward with allegations, and have been labeled as liars, gold-diggers, fame whores. These women are victims. Victims of Bill Cosby, and victims of how society continues to treat women.

In an extremely small way, I can identify with these women. When I was in college, I was touched inappropriately by a professor. The few encounters were so brief and so vague, plus he was in such a position of authority at the university, that I did not think anyone would believe me, so I never made any allegations. I told a few friends at the time, and I mentioned my concerns to fellow female classmates, who I believed witnessed what happened. My friends urged me to talk to someone in the department, but my classmates all claimed that they didn't witness anything. The incidences made me uncomfortable, but I don't feel that I suffered any lasting effects from the situation. I've always felt vulnerable because of my size and disability, but I can't say that what happened with the professor has contributed to my issues with vulnerability. But maybe.

I grew up watching Bill Cosby. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show, the pudding commercials. He and Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie), Ralph Waite (the Waltons), Robert Reed (the Brady Bunch) and Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) were probably my principle television dads. And television dads have always been very important to me, since I lost my father when I was nine. I feel bad for all the people that believed in him, defended him, were close to him.

So many celebrities - sports heroes, entertainment personalities, political figures - that have fallen from grace. So many people that many of us have admired and believed in: Lance Armstrong, Steven Collins, John Edwards, Josh Duggar, the list is much longer. And now add Bill Cosby. From beloved television father, comedian, author, educator, motivational speaker, activist....to alleged serial rapist. It begs the question, "Who can you believe in anymore?"

librarianintx

 

July Blogging Commitment

I planned to promise that I would blog every day in July. It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that was too lofty of a goal. So I am now pledging to blog a minimum of 10 times this month. Set your goals a little lower so you can feel good when you exceed them.

When I was on my way to work one day last week, I saw this quote on the side of a building: "Live a great story."

I am not living a great story. I am living a story of fear, insecurity, and frustration. I am living a life where I constantly compare myself to others, and find me lacking in every way - confidence, ability, financial security, appearance, friendships, achievements.

I want to live a better story. I want a legacy that I can be proud of. I want to leave this earth secure in the belief that I did not waste this life I was afforded.

Success is a relative term. I want to discover my definition of success, and feel like I achieved it.

Librarianintx

Weather phobia

May 2015 was one of the wettest months ever in Texas. The good news is that all the rain ended the drought for most of the state, and replenished some of the lakes. But with the rain came severe weather, including some tornadoes. Overall I feel like I made at least a little progress in learning to manage my weather phobia. I won't say overcome, because I doubt I will ever totally conquer this fear. I still cannot deal with being my myself during a severe storm. But I was able to recognize my phobic tendencies and work on effective strategies to keep them under better control.

I know that my triggers are darkness and wind, plus knowing when a threat exists. Although I still checked the weather obsessively, I'm beginning to understand that forecasts and percentages are simply possibilities of what might happen. I figured out that the bright colors and strong language that meteorologists use to denote severe weather definitely plays into my fear. I have both a phobia and a fascination with bad weather. Even when my area is not under the gun, I find myself sometimes tuning in to the weather channel to watch the coverage of a tornado outbreak happening elsewhere. So I told myself this season that in order to work on controlling the phobia, I have to give up the fascination.

When a storm came up this spring, I learned to recognize my panic symptoms - fight or flight response, racing heart, headache, upset stomach - and I remembered to breathe, and tell myself that I was in a safe place and everything was going to be fine. I rarely feel protected no matter where I am, so I continually reminded myself that I was in a sturdy structure, and I had never been in a situation where the roof blew off or the windows shattered, and that probably would not happen this time either. If my area was under a tornado or severe thunderstorm watch, I tried to keep busy and not obsess about what might happen. Organizing, cleaning, and cooking were the activities I was most successful with, because they didn't take as much concentration as reading or watching a show, and I could move around and expend some of the nervous energy that the phobia generates.

My phobia is by no means eradicated. But I feel like I at least made some baby strides in learning to live with the fear more effectively. Fear of the weather can have a big effect on my emotional and physical well-being. It can affect my social life, and how I feel about myself. Constant worrying and dread can be exhausting, and cause physical pain as well. Always hoping that someone will rescue me from being alone during a storm makes me feel dependent and unstable. I want to be able to save myself during a storm. I want to be my own anchor. I'm not there yet, and maybe I never will be. But I'm still trying.

librarianintx   

Rachel Dolezal article

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/17/us/washington-rachel-dolezal-naacp/index.html

Ezra Dolezal would love to see his sister, Rachel, take a DNA test to prove whose version of the truth about her racial identity is the right one.

But he doesn't think she will.

Rachel Dolezal has gone from a Spokane, Washington, activist to the focus of a highly charged national debate in recent days, after reports surfaced that she was born white yet has claimed she is black. Amid the controversy, she resigned Monday as head of her local NAACP chapter and, a day later, spoke out extensively for the first time in an interview with NBC.

And she didn't back down when it comes how she sees herself, even after her parents shared childhood photos of a young Rachel Dolezal -- her pale complexion and straight blond hair in contrast to the woman with darker skin and dark curly hair who appeared on NBC. 

For the family, one comment stung especially hard. "I haven't had a DNA test," Dolezal said. "There's been no biological proof that Larry and Ruthanne are my biological parents."

Larry and Ruthanne are the Montana couple who helped drive this story, telling reporters that Rachel is their estranged daughter. Ezra Dolezal is black and adopted, one of four such children taken in by the Dolezals -- unlike Rachel, his older sister by 15 years, he says.

"I guarantee that she is not going to take a DNA test to prove that (Larry and Ruthanne Dolezal) are not her parents," Ezra Dolezal told CNN's "New Day" on Wednesday. "Because they are, and she doesn't want to be caught going back on her story again."

Self-portraits in brown crayon

Over the years, several reports have come out identifying Rachel Dolezal as transracial, multiracial or black. She hasn't corrected them -- in part because, it seems, she feels connected with the African-American experience, a link she claims began as early as age 5, when she drew self-portraits in brown instead of peach crayon and with black, curly hair.

"I identify as black," she told NBC's Matt Lauer.

This self-assessment, though, has bothered some -- including African-Americans who feel that Dolezal advanced as an activist by misrepresenting herself and by claiming personal injustices that weren't legitimate coming from a woman who could decide any day to present herself as white again.

She has had her defenders, too, with some pointing to the good she's done as an activist and saying she shouldn't be faulted for her tight bond with the black community.

'She's too nervous' to admit the truth, brother says

For all the Internet outrage, though, the ones most directly affected by all this are the Dolezals. And they couldn't be further apart.

It has been years since Rachel Dolezal talked with her parents. They've been on opposing sides of one custody battle, which ended with Rachel taking in one of Larry and Ruthanne's four adopted children as her own. And Rachel, who attended historically black Howard University and until very recently had taught classes on African-American culture at Eastern Washington University, has claimed she felt her connection with the black experience was stifled when she was growing up.

"I felt very isolated with my identity virtually my entire life, that nobody really got it and that I really didn't have the personal agency to express it," she told NBC. "I kind of imagined that maybe at some point (I'd have to) own it publicly and discuss this kind of complexity."

Yet her parents have challenged her assertions, including that she identified with African-Americans as a youngster or was held back in any way. They've challenged her integrity and even questioned her mental state.

Ezra Dolezal backed his adopted parents Wednesday, while ripping what he called a web of lies -- a web that, he said, is growing bigger by the day.

"I think ... she's too nervous to just admit that she's not been telling the truth," he said. "(That) is why she keeps on making up more and more lies to help fit the story as it goes."

End of article

My thoughts:

I haven't read or watched that much about Rachel, but I think I've seen enough to have an informed opinion. And for me, this whole situation is actually quite simple. Be who you want to be. If you feel like a black person on the inside, if you identify as a member of the African American community, then by all means wear a weave and bronzer and whatever you choose to do to make your outside match your inside. Apply to a historically black college and spend your life for fighting for equal rights for the community that you feel you belong to. I have absolutely no problem with any of that. More power to you. 

What is not okay with me are all the apparent lies that she has told in her quest to live her life as an African American, civil rights activist / educator / author / etc. She has lied about who her biological parents are. She has said her adopted brother is her son. Which is the saddest part of this story, because obviously her parents have no hang-ups about race - they adopted four black children! Their beef with Rachel - just like mine - is not about the fact that she identifies as black - but in the fact that she has lied about being black. And she has lied about other parts of her life as well. Apparently she is a competent educator and has worked hard on behalf of the African American community, and I don't think her efforts or her accomplishments in the field of civil rights should be negated. As NAACP officials have stated, a person does not have to be black to join their ranks and toil for their cause. All someone needs is a commitment to social justice and helping others, and Rachel definitely has that. How unfortunate that she felt she had to lie in order to live the live she desired.

librarianintx

Passion over fear

"One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed is watching her passion become greater than her fear."

That is a quote from Demi Moore about her daughter, Rumer Willis, during this past season of "Dancing with the Stars." Rumer spoke about how she was teased and bullied as a child for her looks, and how being on "Dancing with the Stars" and learning to dance made her feel beautiful. As much as I enjoyed Riker and Allison this season, I was also a big fan of Rumer and Val, and I'm very pleased that they won. Rumer and Val have amazing chemistry, and it was evident how much being on the show meant to Rumer. Every dance was a work of art, beauty, and grace. Riker had great energy, enthusiasm, and a competitive spirit. But Rumer had a passion for dancing that emanated from her every week like explosives. No one this season was more expressive, more determined, more in love with dancing than Rumer.

When Amber Riley won her season, she said something like, "If something scares me, that makes me want to do it even more." People like Amber and Rumer - women that have their goals in sight, and have the fire, the drive, the passion to get what they want - that is the kind of woman I want to be. I want to know what I want, and not let anything or anyone stop me from achieving it. To do that, though, you have to have self-esteem. You have to have a belief in yourself and your abilities. You can't let fear derail you. Fear of success. Fear of failure. And therein lies my difficulties. I don't have the belief in myself. And I let fear stop me at every opportunity.

I hand my power over to fear on a daily basis.
I won't be a success in life until I find a way to change that mindset.

librarianintx

Five Words to Live Your Life By

The Mind Unleashed on Facebook had an article yesterday that outlined the five words to live your life by. In the opinion of the author of that article, the five words should be:

No
Yes
Believe
Love
Persevere

So I was thinking about what my five words would be. I'm not saying these are words that lead me to a healthy emotional existence necessarily, but they are the five words I would most associate with my life:

1) Harmony
I have a small wall decoration in my room with the Chinese symbol for the word harmony, and I have used Harmony as a screen name occasionally. I am always striving to be in harmony in life. I am happiest when the people around me are in harmony, and I am in harmony with them. I feel upset at the slightest amount of discord. I struggle so much with any kind of conflict. When my surroundings are clean and organized, my mind is quiet, and the people around me have smiles on their faces, that is harmony. For me, harmony is synonymous with peace, tranquility, balance, happiness. 

2) Balance
This refers to several aspects of balance:
a) physical balance - I have fairly poor balance, due to muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, and the effects of an inner ear disorder. Falling is a constant concern, but luckily is not an issue yet. I have exercises I should be doing, but I rarely do them.
b) emotional balance - Partly due to my personality, possibly partly due to age, my emotions can change on a dime. I can be pretty happy one minute, and in tears the next. Sometimes the fluctuations are even more pronounced.
c) activities balance - Every day it seems I am confronted with the challenge of choosing between what I want to do vs what I need to do, or what other people want me to do. Between my own struggles with motivation and the desire to help/do for others, I often find at the end of the day that I am disappointed with my decisions or feel unfulfilled with how I have spent my time.

3) Accomplishment
See a pattern here? Each word leads to the next word. I am very accomplishment-oriented. Because of fatigue, other health issues, and mundane daily tasks that must get done, I often climb into bed at night feeling sad and frustrated about what I wasn't able to do that day. Sometimes the things on the list are tasks like dishes or paying a bill or something I needed to do at work. Usually they are hobbies I enjoy like blogging, journaling, or reading. But I am working on this area of my life. I am making time for the activities that I enjoy. I want to go to bed at night feeling like I made good use of my time and energy that day. More than anything, I want to be living a purposeful life.

4) Concentration
I have a good day when I am able to concentrate on what I am doing. I fall into old habits of worry and rumination when I'm having trouble concentrating. So a very good day happens when I can focus on reading, journaling, blogging, or other hobbies that I enjoy. Focusing on a television show or listening to music are other helpful activities. I also feel good when I am able to exercise. An example of a bad day is me coming home from work, sitting on my bed or on the couch, and spending the afternoon worrying about future events, recalling past troubles and traumas, and generally becoming mired in negativity. When I can't concentrate on a hobby, performing physical activities like doing dishes and straightening up my room and the bathroom will help me feel productive and keep me from worrying, but it will also leave me with less time and energy for the activities that I enjoy. So the ability to concentrate helps me feel more balanced and I feel more accomplished too.

5) Resiliency
I know I've written much about my struggles with and desire for resiliency. Self-esteem, self-empowerment, belief in oneself and her abilities all contribute to resiliency. In contrast, fear, rumination, lack of concentration, disharmony, etc, all work against resiliency.
The Mind Unleashed also listed the five powerful rituals of mentally strong people:
They use passion and love to fuel their drive to get the hard things done.
They focus their energy solely on what they can control.
They make every action a positive one.
They are relentlessly consistent.
They act as if what they do makes a difference.
I think all of these contribute greatly to resilience, especially the third one: They focus their energy solely on what they can control. So important!!

librarianintx

SYTYCD Premiere

I was pleasantly surprised. Since they changed the format (stage vs street) and added two new permanent judges (Paula Abdul and Jason Derulo) I had not been excited about the show at all. I even considered not watching.

But I'm glad I did. The magic is still there for me. They showcased some very good dancers. There were heartwarming moments. And some laughs. My favorite moment was the kids dancing with Jason.

Paula usually drives me crazy as a judge, but I thought she did well last night. Her comments were coherent and she didn't ramble or stammer. The three judges played off each other well. I got the giggles too when Paula and Jason lost it over "ballhopping." 

I was not a fan of Jason's guest judging appearance last season, but I thought he did pretty well last night. I enjoyed the two times he went on stage, although I was disappointed in his blatant uncomfortableness with the effeminate contestants. I am a fan of his music, however, and happy to have the opportunity to hear "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Want to Want You." 

So it was a premiere as good as any other season of the show, and I look forward to months of tears, triumphs, and incredible dancing. Bring it!

librarianintx

My accomplishments yesterday

1) I stayed calm through a rushed afternoon by drinking water and remembering to breathe.

2) I was social on a week night - went to a symphony / choral concert with friends.

3) I did not sit in the back of the theatre at the concert. 

4) I braved a severe storm late at night by myself with the aid of my i-pod.

I had a good day.
I was resilient.

librarianintx

Adventures in eating out and ethnic food

For several reasons, eating in a restaurant is not usually the pleasurable experience that it is for most people. I was teased by family members when I was growing up for how slowly I eat. I'm not comfortable eating in front of people. I have some trouble chewing and swallowing. I am often in pain in my neck and shoulders when I sit, and I get dizziness/vertigo spells, which can contribute to anxiety. And I'm also neurotic and worry too much about possible food poisoning. So for all these reasons, I usually tolerate eating out more than I enjoy it. I tend to order an appetizer, or I order a regular meal and take part of it home. I also share a meal with someone sometimes.

I also am not an adventurous eater. I grew up eating mainly American, Tex-Mex, or Italian food. I rarely had the opportunity to try ethnic food, and the few times that I did go to an ethnic restaurant as a young adult, I was nervous about trying anything new. I have always been reticent to try new food. My roommate has attempted to break me of my bad habit of saying, "Oh, I don't like that," when in actuality I have never sampled it. He has managed to get me to try a few things, but unfortunately I haven't liked most of the foods I've tried. Beets and brussel sprouts are two examples. *shudder* But at least I tried them.

Lately, however, I have improved significantly in this area of my life. I can't explain the change; it seemed to happen overnight. All of a sudden I want to go to new restaurants, especially ethnic ones. Maybe its a bucket list kind of thing. And wanting to break out of a rut. I'm excited for this change. It feels good to actually WANT to go to a restaurant. And its been so much fun to sample different food and discover things that I like.

I had already had some Indian and Middle Eastern food within the last few years. During the last two weeks, I've been to TWO Ethiopian restaurants, and a new Middle Eastern place. Wait, what? Ethiopian food? Seriously? Me? The girl who doesn't try new things?

Even more exciting than the fact that I actually went to these restaurants, at both Ethiopian establishments I at least tasted everything that we ordered. I didn't refuse anything. I am very sensitive to spicy food, so I wavered a bit at the foods that my roommate said were spicy, but he said just try a small bite. So I did. At one place in particular we were able to sample every vegetarian item on the menu, because we each were able to order one main dish and three sides. At the Ethiopian restaurants, the food is all served on one big platter, so it was easy for us to share. My roommate and the friend we went with to both places are vegetarians, so I didn't try any of the meat dishes. Not yet anyway. So there was the girl who doesn't try new things sampling foods like collard greens, cabbage, and spicy red lentils. The lentils were too spicy for me, and the cabbage was just okay, but I liked the collard greens quite a bit. My favorite dish at one restaurant was a stew made with potatoes, carrots, and peas. And at the other place I really liked the savory pastries stuffed with either lentils or spinach.

At the new Middle Eastern place, I was less adventurous, sticking to foods that I know I like - hummus (which took me awhile to have a taste for), coriander potatoes, and fried cauliflower. But I did try the falafel that my roommate ordered, and I liked it. At least I still tried a new place. And I'm eager to go back there and try new foods.

Yesterday I saw that there is an Indian food restaurant very close to our apartment. I texted my roommate, and told him I wanted to go there. I've looked at the menu, and already decided which dish I want to try first. They have a buffet, so maybe I'll do that so I can sample more foods.

My roommate is proud of me, and I am proud of myself. New food is fun. Going out to eat is finally a positive experience.

I am still a little wary of some ethnic food, like Asian, especially Thai for some reason. I don't know why. But I'm going to work on that.

Life is an adventure. Get out and live it.

librarianintx

Josh Duggar

Yup.

I'm going there.

There's no need to copy and paste an article. He is the big story on the Internet. Of course he is. Fundamentalist Christian, spokesperson for the Family Research Council, oldest son of the Duggar family, who have a hit television show on the TLC network - admitted yesterday that when he was a teenager he "acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret."

What did he do?
According to official documents, he molested at least five underage girls. Some of the offenses were felonies. Even worse, there are reports that four of the five girls were his own sisters.

Where do I even begin with this? Well, let's just go right to the top, and talk about the enormous hypocrisy of this family. Overwhelming hypocrisy. Josh was the spokesperson for the Family Research Council, a militant anti-gay organization. His mother, Michelle, made robocalls, warning people that the gay and transgender communities were coming to molest their children. AND HER OWN SON IS A CHILD MOLESTER!!! A child molester preying on his own sisters! (allegedly). She and her husband knew for at least a year what was going on before they took any steps to address the situation. And then what was their solution? At first they claim they sought counseling for Josh through their church. Not great, but better than no counseling at all. Then Michelle admitted that it wasn't counseling; they just sent Josh to live with a family friend for three months to do manual labor. That was his rehabilitation. Then they took Josh to a friend who happens to be a state trooper. Did the trooper alert the authorities? No. He gave Josh "a stern lecture." And that cured him? He's never done it again? There are how many underage girls in his family? And now he has daughters of his own. Are they safe? Did any of his victims receive counseling? Is anyone thinking of the victims in all of this? And oh by the way, the trooper that gave Josh the stern lecture? He's currently serving time for child pornography. C'mon! You couldn't make this shit up if you tried!!

So many people should be held liable for this tragedy. Josh of course, except now the statute of limitations has run out. His parents, who knew what was happening and did nothing to help their son, and more importantly, allowed their daughters and others to be molested. The church officials, who apparently were informed but did not contact the authorities. Josh's wife, Anna, who says she knew about the abuse before she married him, and continues to have children with a now admitted molester. And the state trooper, who had a legal obligation more than anyone involved, but did not make a report. This whole situation would never have come light except for the fact that employees at the Oprah show were told about the allegations, and they were the ones who contacted Children's Protective Services. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This seemingly perfect, happy, close knit, G-d praising family. This holier-than-thou bunch with their ultra-strict courtship rituals and potentially psychologically damaging homeschooling practices.

Thank goodness TLC has stepped up quickly and announced that the show has been pulled from the channel's line-up for now. Hopefully it will be cancelled permanently. There goes your source of income, Duggars. What are you going to do now? Politics is hopefully no longer an option for Jim Bob and Josh, although current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee continues to publicly support the family. I guess this also means that Jim Bob and Michelle's hopes to adopt children are now dashed. Would any organization actually consider them worthy candidates for adoption? I certainly hope not. Their daughter Jessa and her husband Ben have also mentioned adoption. Would having a brother who is a child molester keep them from being able to adopt? Would they disclose the information? They come from a famous family, so I doubt they could keep it under wraps. 

There is so much tragedy in all of this. One of the most chilling aspects is the support the Duggars are receiving from the Christian community. The right-wing Christian community I should say. "Boys will be boys," "It happened a long time ago, move on," "G-d forgave him and cured him, that's all that matters," "Its my favorite show; I'm boycotting TLC now," - these are not isolated comments. There is still rampant and vocal support for the Duggars and Josh in this country. These people who don't believe that gay people are human and women should be able to make decisions about their own bodies are falling over themselves to declare their admiration for a child molester and the parents who failed to protect their daughters from the predator in their own house.

The whole thing makes me absolutely sick.

librarianintx

Survivor Finale

I thought this season's theme of "White Collar vs Blue Collar vs No Collar" was interesting, and there was certainly plenty of controversy, but once Joe was voted out, I wasn't rooting for anyone. As long as Rodney didn't make it to the finals or win, I didn't care who did take the title of Sole Survivor. Mike winning was fine. He definitely did enough to deserve the million dollar prize. I would have been okay with Carolyn winning as well. But I liked Joe the best this season.

I did not vote for next season's cast, but I am very happy with three people who were selected: Spencer, Wu, and Joe! I am SO excited that Spencer is getting a second chance. I was so sad when he ended up fourth in his season. I hope he does well this time.

I also think Wu deserves a second chance. He made it to the finale in his season, but he didn't win. I like Wu. I like Spencer more, but I'll be happy to see Wu have a successful run this time around.

And of course I'm excited to see Joe have another opportunity. He is a good player and should have made it further than he did this season.

See you in the fall, Survivor!

librarianintx

Sansa Stark Storyline on Game of Thrones

Let me state right off that I am NOT a Game of Thrones expert. I have watched the show from the beginning, but I have not read any of the books, although some of my friends and family have. So I know about some of the differences between the books and the show. I am interested in the show and I want to understand it better, but I don't plan to read the books because they are so long and very dense, and I am a slow reader.

I just want to briefly state my opinion about the uproar regarding Sansa's recent storyline. If you watch the show, but are not caught up, stop reading now, because this discussion will be a big spoiler for you. Okay, for people who don't watch the show but want some idea about what I'm talking about - Sansa is the eldest daughter of a now-deceased respected lord on this wildly popular fantasy series. Sansa was forced to marry the bastard son of the man who took over her home of Winterfell and was responsible for the death of her mother and eldest brother. The bastard son, Ramsey Bolton, is a truly evil man. Even though Sansa had been briefly married before, she was still a virgin. Long story there. When Sansa married Ramsey, he asked her if she was lying when she confirmed that she was still a virgin. He then ripped her wedding dress down the back, bent her over the bed, and proceeded to rape her.

A lot of people are furious about this storyline. While I can't say I'm thrilled that Sansa was raped, I understand why it happened. Ramsey Bolton is a horrible, horrible person. A friend of mine calls him "a sadistic fuck," and she's exactly right. I don't see why people are so surprised that he took Sansa by force. Did they expect Ramsey to make sweet, sweet love to his new bride? Please. Of course he was going to rape her.

Game of Thrones is not a show for children. It is a mature drama packed with violence, foul language, nudity, and adult situations. I was actually pleased with how the writers handled the scene. The actress who plays Sansa was not naked, and once she was bent over the bed, the camera panned away from her. In some ways that was more powerful. We knew what was happening to her, but we couldn't see her. We only heard her cries and screams.

Some people are upset because this scene was not in the books. From what I've heard though, the character of Ramsey is even worse than his portrayal on the tv show. He doesn't rape Sansa in the books, but he rapes someone else, and it is an even more violent act than what we had to witness on the show. And he does other vile things as well. So while I can understand people not being happy about a rape scene, I think their anger at the show is unjustified. This is not the kind of show where people live happily ever after. It is a dark show with a lot of evil people in it, and many of the characters lead unhappy, tortured lives. Sansa is a character that many people were hoping would find some happiness, but at least so far that has not transpired.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Winner

Congratulations to Rumer and Val!

It was a bittersweet night for me, as I knew it would be. I'm thrilled for Rumer and Val and disappointed for Riker and Allison. It was a great season, as they all have been. Dancing with the Stars remains one of my favorite shows.

I didn't get to watch all of the finale, but I will. I wish the eliminated contestants had the opportunity to do new dances, especially Willow. But I enjoyed some of the repeat performances, including Rumer and Val's disco-themed samba, and Patti and Artem's "In Da Club" dance. I also liked Jason Derulo's number because I'm super into his song these days.

Thank you Dancing with the Stars! See you in the fall!

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Finale Performances

I'm only going to comment on Riker's and Rumer's dances, because in my opinion they are the two contenders for the mirrorball trophy.

I think both couples were very smart with their choices of re-do performances.  The dances were highly successful the first time around, and even more so last night.

Riker's paso is my favorite dance of the season. Wow, what a dance! The energy, the passion, the spectacle. "A super production for a super talent," Bruno had exclaimed the first time around. Last night the dance was even better, which I didn't think was possible. It was even more exciting, the moves sharper and more emphatic. The dance left me breathless; it was thrilling. I almost cried when Len gave him not one, but two standing ovations. We were a witness to history last night. 

Rumer's foxtrot was also even better the second time. I love the connection between Rumer and Val, the mutual admiration they have for each other. And the joy that Rumer communicates when she dances. Many celebrities have experienced life-changing transformations during their time on Dancing with the Stars, and Rumor is one of those contestants. The girl who felt like an ugly duckling growing up has become a beautiful, confident dancer, and a role model in the process. The dance had the grace and flow and sweeping movement across the floor that one looks for in the foxtrot, and Hozier's song was a perfect fit. 

I have to admit, I was a tad disappointed with both freestyles, for different reasons. While Riker's had the big production value that is typical of a freestyle, I didn't feel like the dance was the best fit for him. Riker is a bass player; he's a pop/rock guy. That routine felt a bit too old for him. The content and skill level were high and he certainly danced well, but I wanted more of a rock and roll version of Apollo and Julianne's hip hop freestyle. I wanted something young and fresh and innovative, something a little more high-energy. Mark and Shawn Johnson's freestyle is another good example. Perhaps Allison was trying to appeal to the somewhat older, more mainstream demographic of the Dancing with the Stars audience, and I can definitely see the value in that way of thinking. I was impressed by the dance, but I wasn't jumping up and down about it. I will watch his paso for years to come, but I just was not as interested in his freestyle. 

There is no doubt that Rumer and Val's dance was gorgeous. It was passionate, romantic, traditional, and full of content. But it didn't feel like a freestyle. It felt more like a regular dance. Their disco-inspired samba was more of a freestyle, with plenty of exciting lifts and tricks. Like Allison, I think Val made a smart move strategically. He knows that their chemistry is one of their biggest assets, and both he and Rumer enjoy the traditional ballroom dances. A few years ago Kellie Pickler and Derek won with a simple, beautiful, understated freestyle, so Val knows it can be done. I don't think his decision was a bad one. The dance was just not what I was hoping for in the freestyle round.

Riker and Rumer deserve to win Dancing with the Stars. I have never wanted a tie more than I do this season. I adore both of them. I will be overjoyed for whoever wins and sad for whoever comes in second. They should know that each of them deserves to win, and they have both won my heart. Congratulations to them, and to their worthy partners, Allison and Val, who also have a piece of my heart. 

librarianintx

Life is always changing

"Right now you might not feel the best you've ever felt, you might feel that things will never get better. But don't give up. Tomorrow you might see something wonderful. The thing you're worrying about might be resolved, You might have a good day tomorrow, you may smile. In a few years time the things that are making you feel like this will be forgotten about."

from makethingspositive.com

This is so true and so important to understand. Life is a series of ups and downs. You have to survive the rough spots to enjoy the high points. And in order to do that, you have to realize that the bad patches aren't going to last forever, even though sometimes it feels like they are. You have to persevere. Somehow you have to find the resilience to forge ahead. The people in your life can support you, but ultimately you are the one who has to make your life work. You are the one who has to find the strength and courage within.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to walk through it."

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Semi-Finals

I am SOOOO thrilled that Riker and Allison made it to the finals! And to be perfectly honest, I am surprised. I was prepared for them to get cut last night. I had to be. They had already been in or near the bottom more than once.

In my opinion, the top four should have been Rumer, Riker, Nastia, and Willow. That would have been an outstanding final four. I think Noah is an inspiration, but he does not belong in the Dancing finals. Amy Purdy deserved to be in the finals. J.R. Martinez deserved to be in the finals. Noah does not have the dance abilities that Amy and J.R. have. But as I have said time and time again, Dancing with the Stars is NOT a dance competition. It is a popularity contest. And that is why Nastia went home. She did not connect with the audience on a personality level. And because of that, no matter how amazing her dancing was, the audience was not inspired to vote for her.

I will be very happy if either Rumer or Riker wins. I truly adore both of them. Riker is SO cute, and I love his energy and how hard he has worked this season to improve his technique. But I have also loved watching Rumer blossom this season, and the chemistry she has with Val is mesmerizing. As in seasons past, who takes the mirrorball trophy may be decided on the strength of the freestyle routine. All three contestants have shown that they can execute exciting lifts and tricks, and often that ability is what makes a successful freestyle.

I'll be watching - and most likely voting! :)
librarianintx

Caring for Yourself

Be Kind to Yourself - Right Now
http://www.mindful.org/mindful-magazine/be-kind-to-yourself%E2%80%94right-now

To be kind to others, you need to start with yourself. 

People often find some difficulty in caring for themselves, in receiving love, in believing they deserve to be happy.

Imagine for a moment the amount of energy you expend brooding over the future, ruminating about the past, comparing yourself to others, judging yourself, worrying about what might happen next. That is a huge amount of energy. Now imagine all of that energy gathered in and returned to you. Underlying our usual patterns of self-preoccupation, stinging self-judgment, and fear is the universal, innate potential for love and awareness.

Loving kindness meditations point us back to a place within, where we can cultivate love and help it flourish.
Developing care toward ourselves is the first objective, the foundation for later being able to include others in the sphere of kindness.

This loving kindness practice involves silently repeating phrases that offer good qualities to oneself and to others.

1. You can start by taking delight in your own goodness—calling to mind things you have done out of good-heartedness, and rejoicing in those memories to celebrate the potential for goodness we all share.

2. Silently recite phrases that reflect what we wish most deeply for ourselves in an enduring way. Traditional phrases are:

• May I live in safety.
• May I have mental happiness (peace, joy).
• May I have physical happiness (health, freedom from pain).
• May I live with ease.

3. Repeat the phrases with enough space and silence between so they fall into a rhythm that is pleasing to you. Direct your attention to one phrase at a time.

4. Each time you notice your attention has wandered, be kind to yourself and let go of the distraction. Come back to repeating the phrases without judging or disparaging yourself.

5. After some time, visualize yourself in the center of a circle composed of those who have been kind to you, or have inspired you because of their love. Perhaps you’ve met them, or read about them; perhaps they live now, or have existed historically or even mythically. That is the circle. As you visualize yourself in the center of it, experience yourself as the recipient of their love and attention. Keep gently repeating the phrases of loving kindness for yourself.

6. To close the session, let go of the visualization, and simply keep repeating the phrases for a few more minutes. Each time you do so, you are transforming your old, hurtful relationship to yourself, and are moving forward, sustained by the force of kindness.

End of article.

This past weekend, I was out of town, and did not feel well enough to return home and start the work week. Considering how much I have traveled during the past few years, I feel fortunate that this is the first time I have been unable to return home due to illness. Still, I spun in my head about whether or not I could or should travel back on Sunday. I was not too sick to travel; I felt it would be better not to push myself. But then I felt guilty about missing work, and possibly inconveniencing my loved ones. But once I finally made the decision to stay, I said to myself, "You don't feel well. You need to be kind to yourself. You are expending so much energy with your worry and indecision. Be okay with the choice you made, and know that it was the right decision for you." As soon as I said that to myself - wow - what a change in my physical and emotional health. I felt remarkably calm and relaxed. Staying an extra forty eight hours gave me the opportunity to spend more time with my mom on this Mother's Day weekend, and to make memories with other loved ones. Even though I wasn't feeling well, I made a conscious decision to enjoy the added time, and not feel guilty about missing work. When I made a commitment to improve my emotional health, my physical health - while not necessarily improving - at least made the symptoms of my chronic condition easier to manage.

librarianintx

Toughness

"You're tough," he said with conviction.
I nodded and flexed my non-existent biceps.
But we both know I am not the least bit tough.
Unless you mean tough on myself.
In that realm, I am a champion.
Still, he was sweet to say it.
Maybe one day there will be some truth to the words.

Librarianintx

More about Fear

I feel like there isn't anyone less brave than I am.
But I also detest the competition game.
So I try to be kind to myself.
To be encouraging.
To be proud of every accomplishment and victory, no matter how tiny or seemingly insignificant.

Librarianintx

Overthinking article

Eight Ways to Stop Overthinking and Find Peace in the Present Moment
http://themindunleashed.org/2014/09/8-ways-stop-thinking-find-peace.html

We all do our best to stay positive, but occasionally we can slip into negative thinking patterns that can wreak havoc on our lives. We might worry about our past mistakes or current stresses, and how these could lead to negative outcomes in the future. We might obsess about or over-analyze regular experiences and interactions, reading into them things that aren’t actually there. We might find that as soon as one bad thing happens, we associate it with all the other bad things that have happened in our lives and begin to feel miserable. We might feel anxious in the present, having a hard time getting out of our own heads as we worry and obsess about the things that could go wrong.

If you find yourself in this place frequently, you are what psychologists call a ruminator, or, an over-thinker, and this way of thinking can be harmful to your health. Psychologists have found that over-thinking can be detrimental to human performance, and can lead to anxiety and depression, especially in women, who are much more likely than men to ruminate on stress and disappointments than men.

As a psychologist and recovering over-thinker myself, I have a lot of compassion for people who end up in these spiraling negative thought patterns. Many over-thinkers are lovely, intelligent, nurturing people who value relationships and care deeply for the people in their lives. Unfortunately, they often push away the very people that they are worrying about or seeking support and reassurance from, because they can become obsessive, anxious, depressed, negative and difficult to be around. This is not a switch in the brain that can be easily flipped off, but rather, a pattern from which it requires dedication and work to recover. Based on research in psychology and my personal experiences, here is my advice for how to stop over-thinking and find peace in the present moment:

1) Accept that You Have a Problem with Over-Thinking.
The first step to healing is acknowledging that you have a problem. If you feel like you can’t get out of your own head and over-thinking is stopping you from living a happy life, making decisions, getting things done, or forming meaningful relationships, then you have a problem. If you find yourself spiraling into negativity and depression when a bad thing happens, you have a problem. If your anxiety about the future is stopping you from enjoying the present, you have a problem. Burying your head in the sand or denying this reality will only make the situation worse. If you are not sure if you have a problem, ask your friends and loved ones to be honest with you, because they are usually the ones who will see it even if you cannot.

2) Forgive Yourself. Our Brains are Hard-wired This Way
Once you can admit that you are an over-thinker, forgive yourself, because the brain is actually wired to make over-thinking a natural tendency. According to Psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, the leading expert in this field, “the organization of our brains sets us up for over-thinking” because our thoughts and memories are intrinsically woven together, not compartmentalized. So when stressors are triggered or you get into a bad mood, it can unlock a ‘cascade’ of racing negative thoughts that have nothing to do with the original trigger for the bad mood. Nolen-Hoeksema gives the example of “when poor job performance causes you to think about your aunt who died last year.”

Furthermore, when something bad happens or someone is feeling negative, they are more likely to think negative things and also see connections (that may not actually exist) between all the bad events that have happened in their lives. The more frequently this happens, the more likely the individual is to engage in this over-thinking pattern in the future.

While the brain might be wired to make these associations, once you become aware you can begin to solve the problem.

3) Breathe More
If our brains are wired in this ‘interconnected spider web’ where one bad event can trigger a tidal wave of negative thought associations, how can we break this pattern?

The first and easiest thing you can do is BREATHE. Breathing will relax you, calm you, connect you to the present moment, and ground you to Mother Earth. It sounds so simple but often when our mind starts to race to bad places, we become manic and frantic when what we need to do is relax the body and mind.
The breathing technique that works for me involves lying down and taking a two-second long deep inhalation in through the nose, followed by a four-second long exhalation out through the mouth. This breathing pattern increases the CO2 in the bloodstream, which can relax the body and calm the adrenal system’s response to the obsessive thoughts. Do this for 10 minutes or until the excessive thinking slows down.

4) Talk Less
So many over-thinkers, especially those of us of the female persuasion, can’t help but want to ‘talk it out’ when we are feeling stressed and worried. While talking about the worries can sometimes help, it usually will make things worse, especially if the person you are talking to is also an over-thinker, and you spend the entire time over-analyzing and dissecting every detail of every negative problem in your lives. You might end up working yourself up into a frenzy of negativity and feeling even more upset after the conversation.

This type of co-rumination, where two ruminators get together to over-think about their lives together, can lead both people deeper into negativity and stress. For example, research has uncovered an association between co-rumination amongst female friends and increases in the stress hormone cortisol.
If you really feel the need to express your issues, you can always write them down, to clear them out of your mind and realize that your concerns might sound silly when you read them back to yourself. This type of free-association journaling has been incredibly beneficial for me.

5) Get Physical and Get Busy
What should you do instead of talking? Well, you already know to breathe to calm the body and mind, but sometimes you just want to let the energy out! In this case it can be incredibly beneficial to do something physical, whether it is going for a brisk walk, playing with a pet or children, doing yoga, playing sports, swimming, or running. Activities that are both mentally and physically engrossing are the best, because they require enough absorption to pull you out of obsessive thinking patterns and into a state of flow.

In addition to physical exercises, engrossing activities that stimulate the brain can also be effective for redirecting obsessive thought patterns. Playing cards, learning a language, or playing all different types of games can be great diversions or interrupters of these thoughts. Or you could always learn a new hobby, make art, draw, paint or take up crafting, such as making jewelry, clothes, dream catchers, hair extensions, really anything, You might actually discover a hidden talent you never knew you had, or be able to start a new career or meet new people as a result.

6) Practice Mindfulness
One of the big things that over-thinkers struggle with is the ability to live in the present moment. So consumed by the failures of the past and the worries over the future, the present moment does not get the attention and love it deserves. Lao Tzu said that “if you are depressed you are living in the past, if you are anxious you are living in the future, and if you are at peace you are living in the present.” So how can we live in peace in the present moment?

Well, we have already discussed some of the strategies that can help you quiet the mind and ground yourself to present moment, including breathing, talking less, getting physical and doing other activities that help redirect attention and bring the mind into flow. But one of the best things you can possibly do is practice mindfulness, a form of meditation where you focus on the present moment without judgment. As the obsessive, worrying thoughts come in, you acknowledge them, and then let them go, energetically releasing them and clearing your space. I strongly recommend learning mindful meditation techniques such as Transcendental Meditation, or if you are having trouble doing it yourself, seeking counseling from someone who practices Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy.

7)   Surrender to the Universe
When we worry, we are essentially hoping to control the flow of life because we are attached to the outcome of a situation. We want things to happen a certain way, and we are terrified that things could go wrong or that bad things could happen. In reality, we have little to no control over the unfolding of events in life, at least not from the conscious standpoint that our worrying will directly impact the outcome in the way we want. So, we can worry and obsess, or we can accept all that IS and let go of our attachment to the outcomes. The universe is way older and wiser than us, and instead of obsessively worrying, we can let go of control and with love and trust, surrender to the universe.

Surrender does not mean giving up; It just means you are willing to go with the flow of the current, instead of trying to swim against it and getting repeatedly bashed into the rocks. Surrender is a form of release and a form of peace, because it means you are willing to trust that everything will work out as it is supposed to: Trust that everything happens in its proper time and place and you are exactly where you are supposed to be. Even the concept of worrying about ‘good’ or ‘bad’ outcomes is flawed from this perspective and nothing more than a symptom of duality, which is only an illusion. As you zoom out to the grand scheme of the universe, there is no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ – it is all ONE, two sides of the same coin.

8)   Remember, Your Thoughts Create Your Reality
Even though I just said that ‘we have no control over the unfolding of events in life,’ and this is true at least from the part of the conscious mind and its ability to dictate events, our thoughts do energetically shape and create our reality over time. Like attracts like, and so the more you worry about something, the more you will begin to attract exactly the energy you are worried about! If you still haven’t seen the wonderful online series Spirit Science, I strongly recommend you view Episode 1, which does an excellent job explaining how our thoughts create our reality.

We must be mindful of our thoughts because our thoughts have power, more than we realize. If you obsessively fear losing your job, you are actually INCREASING the likelihood of getting fired, not decreasing it. Same if you are worrying about contracting a life-threatening disease or medical condition: The more energy you send in that direction, the more likely you are to unknowingly give permission to your body to manifest this condition.

Your thoughts and feelings will energetically create your life, which is why my life partner, sound healer Jimmy Ohm always says, “Worrying is a misuse of creative energy.” Do you want to create a happy life, living at peace in the momentt? If so, you have all of the tools to make this a reality by being mindful and present in your thoughts. You also have all of the tools to create a life of worry and negativity, if you continue to over-think and obsess about negative events. The choice is yours and I lovingly hope that you choose wisely. Blessings and Love!

End of article

I don't agree with every article from "The Mind Unleashed," and I should boycott them because of an anti Semitic comment they included in one of their articles (it was quite random and came out of nowhere.) But I can't boycott them because so much of their information is so useful and spot-on. This article is a case in point. I am a champion ruminator, and this unfortunate personality trait makes my life so much more difficult than it has to be. When I am able to implement some of the strategies outlined here, my rumination tendencies are kept in check. All of these points are important and helpful; there isn't one that I don't agree with. Definitely forgiving myself and understanding that isn't my fault is a big help; frustration with my rumination only makes the tendencies more frequent and difficult to manage. Breathing correctly can calm an over-active mind, and trying to stay busy and focus on a task or hobby is the best medicine of all for me.

librarianintx

Eleven Ways to Change Your Definition of Life...

Eleven Ways to Change Your Definition of Life And Attract Positive Energy
http://themindunleashed.org/2015/04/11-ways-to-change-your-definition-of-life-and-attract-positive-energy.html

Stress results from a wrong definition of life. For most people life stands for ‘Living in Fear Everyday’.

Insecurities and fears lead you to ignore the positives leading to a loss of self-belief. The way out of this negative spiral is to change the definition of life to ‘Living in Freedom Everyday’. By making the right choices, you attract positive people and opportunities. Given our busy schedules, it might not always be possible to pursue any single form of wellness. But you can make small changes from various forms. Motivational speaker and life coach Santosh Joshi gives some easily do-able tips.

1. Get In touch with your inner self

Master this simple meditation technique. You can do this while travelling in a bus, train or flight, or even at work. And you only need 15 minutes.

- Sit in a comfortable chair.
- Take a few deep breaths. Focus on the breath going in and out.
- Imagine that your whole body, every pore and cell is breathing. (This helps draw cosmic energy.)

2. Imbibe the power of music

Sound vibrations stir our inner being. Play spiritual music, hymns and chants as and when you can. Listen to such music while working out or jogging; your mind wouldn’t wander then.

3. Be around nature

Invest in making your living zone a green area by planting trees. Try and sign up for nature walks once in a while. Else, try and walk barefoot every day for 15 minutes at your nearest park. It’s a simple way to connect with nature. The earth element has the capacity to take away negativity. 

4. Have Vibrant Colours around

Colour therapy is getting popular by the day. Colours emit vibrations that affect our psyche. Eg: Yellow gives confidence, Red signifies security, Orange signifies emotional balance and blue improves communication and intuition. Explore its benefits in daily life. Change your drapes, bed sheets, pillow covers etc with primary colours or any colour that makes you happy. Light coloured candles. Wear more vibrant hues. Choose outfits depending on the way you want to project yourself.

5. Embrace The Love of a Child

Children have a natural energy that is so vibrant that it is a blessing for most adults to experience it. Speak or share experiences daily with a child in your family and you will be well on your way to seeing life in a very different way.

6. Indulge in some laughter therapy

No need to join a laughter club, just try and have a good laugh at least 10 minutes a day. It opens up blocked energy patterns, releases feel-good hormones and is even good for certain aches and pains. So rent your favourite DVDs or comedy shows and laugh out loud.

7. Energize your house

Light a candle or diya every morning and evening. Fire has capacity to burn negative energies. Fill your house with fragrance and aromas that relax the mind. Try and have a water body. Also have open windows; the flow of air takes away negative energy.

8. Inner child therapy

Each person has an inner child within him/her. Do things you used to as a child — be it clay modelling, doodling, drawing with colour pencils/crayons or even jumping into a puddle. They help you get rid of inhibitions and help you explore new areas of life.

9. Press the right points

Based on acupressure, stimulating pressure points reduces stress. During stress, immediately press points around your eyes, your ear lobes and the point between your nose and lips. These points have a direct connection to nerve endings that control feelings of unease. Also keep pressing your palms to get immediate relief.

10. Healthy Lifestyle

The point about good sleep, healthy diet and exercise cannot be emphasised enough. If you can’t stick to a routine, at least adopt a few good practices. Like having a ‘fruit day’ occasionaly to cleanse the body. Or drinking enough water to flush out toxins. Another tip is to count your steps while walking, it improves concentration. Finally, have gratitude; Gratitude fills us with positive energy.

11. Clear Clutter

Clear your home, work station and even your car. Most importantly, clear your mind. Clutter creates blocks in the flow of energy within you. When these blocks remain for long, it spreads all over your body and mind leaving you in a forever irritable and snappy mood.

End of article

I think these are all really good ideas. Getting out of my own head is the best thing that I can do for myself and my emotional well-being. When I fixate on what's wrong with my life, I can get very low, especially recently. When I keep myself busy and don't take the time to obsess, I feel much better. Here are some other ways I have found to keep myself more healthy emotionally:

1) Living in the moment

Goes hand in hand with getting out of my own head. I get in the most trouble emotionally when I sit around worrying about the future, or being sad about the past. When I say to myself, "Right now, in this moment, I am okay. Everything is fine," I feel so much calmer. 

2) Keeping hydrated

I am chronically dehydrated, and I take medications that further deplete my body. I notice a difference in both my stamina and emotional stability when I can get what is for me a good amount of liquid in me, especially water. 

3) Remembering to breathe

I have a low lung capacity, and I tend to hold my breath when I'm feeling rushed or when I'm concentrating on something. I also don't breathe correctly when I'm nervous or stressed. So when I feel the anxiety start to increase, I try to check in with myself, stop, and take a few good breaths. That usually helps quite a bit. 

4) Taking my medicines / supplements

I can procrastinate a lot sometimes, and that makes me feel bad about myself. I feel calmer and happier with myself when I stick to a routine which includes taking my medicines. Luckily I don't have many to take in a day. I have an inner ear disorder that can contribute to my anxiety levels, and luckily I'm on a new medicine that seems to be helping pretty significantly, not only improving the anxiety, but also my OCD, focus, balance, and energy. 

5) Eating well

When I'm listless and low on energy, I don't feel like cooking. Not that I cook that often anyway, but I'm trying to change that. I like to make casseroles and food that I can put in the freezer and eat during the week. With the help of my caregiver, we have made spaghetti sauce and chili and those meals can last me a week or more. I add mushrooms, zucchini, and squash to the spaghetti sauce and chili to get in more vegetables. I also make egg muffins with those vegetables. The egg muffins are super easy to make. I still eat too much processed food but I'm working on that. Baby steps there.

6) Gratitude

This is such an important component to my emotional health. It is unfortunately so easy for me to focus on all that is wrong with my life. When I manage to re-direct my thoughts to what is good in my existence, I feel so much better. I kept a gratitude journal for awhile; I need to return to that. 

7) Exercise

I have osteoporosis, and fairly poor balance, so I am at significant risk for falling. Exercise should be a priority for me, but it's more of a desire and hope at this point. I have a pedal exerciser, and my goal is to pedal for 15 - 20 minutes per day. I accomplish that once or twice a week these days. I need to improve on that. I also need to walk more, and do my balance exercises. I would also like to get to the pool this summer.  

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars

I still enjoy the show, as I do every season, but I fear that it is jumping the shark. I see similarities to what happened with American Idol. On AI, for many seasons, the performances consisted of the contestant on stage, by themselves, no back-up singers, no musicians. Just the singer who was trying to win a competition. As the seasons progressed, the finales became more of a spectacle, with celebrities joining the contestants on stage, back-up singers, choirs, musicians, etc. And there was nothing wrong that. The finales were exciting and fun. But soon even the individual performances had to become spectacles, with back-up singers, musicians, sometimes even orchestras on stage with the contestants. But that shouldn't be what American Idol is about. American Idol is about an unknown singer becoming a star. And if you make every performance a spectacle, then the finales aren't as exciting. It becomes overkill.

And I fear that is happening with Dancing with the Stars. Now the individual performances often feature troupe members or ousted professionals as extras. Occasionally musicians are on stage as well, or people posing as musicians. If every individual performance becomes a group effort, then the trios, group dances, and freestyle dances are going to become ordinary. Ho-hum. They will have to keep upping the surprise factor, the excitement factor, until they run out of options. I just hate to see that happen.

Having said all that, I am still enjoying the season. I'm sorry if my next comments are spoilers, but I was so sad to see Patti and Artem go this week. I just adore them. Currently I am rooting (and voting) for both Rumer and Val, and Riker and Allison. I will be thrilled if either one of them win, and I think they both have a strong chance, but Nastia is a good bet for the win as well. As frustrated as I am with the direction the show is taking, I still look forward to it every week.

librarinaintx

Fear

“I have spent my whole life scared, frightened of things that could happen, might happen, might not happen. 50 years I spent like that, finding myself awake at three in the morning. But you know what? Ever since my diagnosis, I sleep just fine. What I came to realize is that fear — that’s the worst of it. That’s the real enemy. So, get up, get out in the real world and you kick that ba***** as hard you can right in the teeth.” - Walter White, Breaking Bad

OMG
This is so me.
Fear runs my life.
I am powerless in the face of it.
I have absolutely no belief in myself.
I keep looking for a way to be different.
Intellectually I know that I'm the only one who can change me, fix me, save me.
But I just can't seem to make it happen.

librarianintx

A Good Day

I really needed today.

A day where I could feel productive.
A day where I could do something different.
A day where I didn't have time to worry and obsess and feel like my life is a waste.
A day where I could feel proud of myself for following through and not letting myself or anyone else down.
A day where I pulled my own weight and hopefully showed that I am a reliable and dependable employee.
A day that I faced my self-doubt and powered through it.

Today was a successful day.
I accomplished my goals and had fun in the process.

#TXLA15
Texas Library Association Conference
Austin, TX

librarianintx