new tagging sites

They may not be new, but they're new to me. I saw these and thought I would mention them. I think they're similar to delicious.

Reddit
www.reddit.com
from the site:
reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own!

StumbleUpon
www.stumbleupon.com/
from the site:
StumbleUpon helps you discover and share great websites. As you click Stumble!, we deliver high-quality pages matched to your personal preferences. These pages have been explicitly recommended by your friends or one of 8 million+ other websurfers with interests similar to you. Rating these sites you like [with a thumbs up icon] automatically shares them with like-minded people – and helps you discover great sites your friends recommend.

librarianintx

Librarian 2.0 Step 9: Chat and Instant Messaging

I skipped another section for now. Here are my thoughts on chat and instant messaging:

This was a quick section for me to finish, because I have some experience with chatting. I have chatted using AIM and Yahoo! Messenger. I have chatted in a message board chat room. And I have chatted using Facebook and Facebook games. I have also chatted (texted) on my cell phone.

With the exception of the message board, everyone I have chatted with is someone I know personally, not through the computer. The message board was a fan site of a singer I like, and I consider the people I chatted with there to be safe. Otherwise I do not chat with people I don't know. Its just a personal decision. I think chatting with people you don't know in person can be done safely; I just choose not to do it.

Chatting can be a lot of fun! My nights of message board chatting were often quite hilarious. I also have a lot of fun texting on my phone with my nieces and two of my friends from Houston. Its immediate, and it helps you feel close to the people you're chatting with. One of my nieces doesn't like to talk on the phone, but she enjoys chatting. One of my friends is disabled and talking is often tiring for her; its easier for her to chat.

Also, sometimes you might want to call someone, but you're concerned that its too late or too early in the day. If you see them online through chat, you know they're awake and its okay to call.

These days many people no longer have land line phones, and they may be limited on their daytime cell phone minutes, so texting is a good alternative. My nieces chat so much that my sister has a family plan for their cell phones that features unlimited texting and a smaller number of talk minutes.

Chatting can be very beneficial for people with disabilities or health problems that prevent them from attending social activities. Night or day, there is always someone in a chat room somewhere who is ready to have a conversation. Chatting can be a social outlet, a place for advice, a source of comfort, an area to discuss common interests, a platform for debate...and in all of these situations, all parties involved need to consider personal safety issues when chatting with people they don't know offline.

I also have skype. Skype is great!! You can see and hear the person, just like you're in the same room with them. Skype can open up a whole new world for people, especially people with disabilities. Oprah uses skype. :) I'm sure many businesses use skype. It can cut down on the need for travel. There is even a chat function in skype, in case the audio is having problems, or for the transmission of links and other information.

I am a big fan of skype. The software is free. You only have to pay for the webcam, and some computers have a web cam already built in. Web cams can be used with both laptops and desktops, so you can skype with people from anywhere. I have a friend whose college-age daughter was in a long distance relationship for more than a year. She would take her laptop to the library, to Starbucks, to Panera, and have study/coffee/lunch "dates" with her boyfriend via skype. :)

librarianintx

Librarian 2.0 Step 7: Tagging, Folksonomies, and Social Bookmarking

I've skipped a few sections, but here are my thoughts on tagging using delicious:

Honestly, I'm still confused by delicious. It seems really cool, but it also seems confusing to me. It feels too unstructured. I like folders. I like compartmentalization. To have a list of random bookmarks seems unorganized to me. Maybe I just need to learn more about it. I like LibraryThing a lot, and I like the idea of patrons being able to add links and reviews and make the library experience more interactive. I enjoy creating guides and pathfinders, so the idea that tagging and bookmarking might make those documents obsolete doesn't sit well with me. But having information be timely, accessible, and easily updatable is important to me. So I'm keeping an open mind and I want to understand tagging better.

librarianintx

Olympics

Johnny Weir was ROBBED!
Johnny Weir was ROBBED!

*deep breath*

Seriously. Two solid, beautiful programs. He landed every jump. He did two triple axles in his long program. Wonderful artistry. And he finished in SIXTH place, behind TWO skaters who both fell in their long programs. WTF?!

Sigh. I am happy for Evan Lysechek. He skated two fantastic programs. He deserved the gold medal. And in my opinion, Johnny deserved the bronze. He certainly didn't deserve sixth place.

Keep smiling, Johnny. You're fabulous!

librarianintx

Rick Allen

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/resiliency-radio

I didn't get a chance to listen last night (see my next post for the reason why) so I hope it will be available this weekend.

For more on Rick and his wife Lauren's foundation, visit http://www.ravendrumfoundation.org/

When I have some time, (this weekend?) I want to blog some thoughts about resiliency.

Update: I'm updating this post on 2/22 with a big "Duh!" The radio show hasn't happened yet. Its scheduled for THIS Thursday. However, I probably won't get to listen this Thursday either, again because of the Olympics. Its ruling my life! :) I bet it will be available to listen to after, though. Hopefully.

librarianintx

Amazing Race

I shouldn't be watching since I already have more than 25 shows to watch. But its such a good reality show. This season one of the teams is a grandmother / granddaughter pair. The grandmother is 71 years old...and she runs half marathons! Great inspiration when I'm being a couch potato.

A quote on the first episode made me laugh out loud. One of the teams was getting into a cab, and a guy said to the driver, "Drive it like you stole it, brother!" Probably not the best thing to say to a stranger in a foreign country, but I thought it was really funny.

librarianintx

Kudos to Vancouver!

...for including a paralympian in the torch carrying ceremony! Rick Hansen, an eight-time paralympic medalist, was the first person to bring the flame into the stadium, with the torch mounted to an apparatus on his wheelchair. As far as I know this is the first time that a paralympian has been included in an opening cermony for the Olympics, although technically this is not the first time a person with a disability has been a torch bearer. Muhammed Ali, a person with Parkinson's Disease and a former heavyweight champion, carried the torch at the summer games in Atlanta in 1996.

Way to go Canada!

I also really liked how highlighted and involved the indigenous people of Canada were in the ceremony.

librarianintx

Quick thoughts on recent sci-fi shows

"Dollhouse":
The finale was kind of "meh" for me...Seemed quite different from the other episodes, and if you didn't watch the never-aired part 1 that was only available on the Season 1 DVD, you would have been really confused. That being said, there were some standout moments for me. I was of course very happy that Pria and Anthony (Sierra and Victor) got their happy ending. I loved watching Adele evolve during the last few episodes into the caring human that deep down she always has been. Her scenes with Tofer were so gentle and motherly. And my darling, wonderful Tofer...I figured he would be the one to save the world, and that he would have to die to do it. Sigh. I loved wacky, brilliant, adorable Tofer. I also loved Anthony/Victor as the "Tofer doll." Man, he was GOOD! He had the manerisms, the voice tone and cadence, everything. Hilarious, and VERY impressive!

The episodes leading up the finale rocked my world! I so enjoyed all the twists and turns. I started watching soap operas at a very young age, and even though I enjoy them, I am almost always able to figure out the plot twists before they occurr. So its very exciting when any show can surprise me, and Dollhouse definitely did that.

"Caprica"
I'm still in mourning for BSG. I did not like most of the BSG finale, but that's for another blog. I like Caprica so far. Its very different from BSG, but there's enough of a BSG influence to hook me. Its intriguing. And Eric Stoltz is one of my fave actors. I'm sure I'll have more to say later. I still want to go back and re-watch all of BSG. In my spare time, along with the 25 shows I'm currently watching. (Okay, I just counted on my fingers. I may have missed a few, but I counted 20 right now. And five shows that have been on hiatus will be returning in March and April, so soon it will actually be 25.) Yikes. :)

"Lost"
I'm a Lostie. I have all the DVD sets. I'm so obsessive, I take notes on the episodes. Do I love the show? YES. Do I understand the show? Not a bit. Do I "get" all the literature/biblical/scientific references? Heck no. Does it keep me from enjoying the show? Uh..uh-uh. :)

All that being said, I do get frustrated sometimes. I have given up on the show in seasons past, but I came back. This season didn't kick in for me until we saw Claire at the end of this week's episode. I mean, I thought the premiere was good, but I wasn't happy to be introduced to yet MORE characters, more others, and all the toggling back and forth between the plane not crashing and what was happening on the island...

I'm sad that its almost over. I'm going to miss the ride. But I think there are some people out there that will need professional help when this show ends; that is how "into it" they are. This may sound weird, but I don't care that much about how it ends. I'm actually not watching for the resolution, for the answers. I'm interested in the characters, what happens to everyone. I don't have expectations for the finale, and I certainly don't have any theories as to what's going on and what it all means. I just enjoy being surprised every week, even though many times I say, "What the heck?!" (Actually, I usually say "WTF?!") :)

Its very interesting that I have become so involved in sci fi. I was never a sci fi kid growing up. I was a "Little House on the Prairie" girl. Seriously! I wasn't even into fantasy, and I'm still not. I have not seen a single "Harry Potter" movie or read any of the books. But I do like a lot of science fiction - BSG, Babylon 5, and Star Trek especially. Its all because of my friends, beginning in undergrad and continuing through graduate school. They got me hooked.

librarianintx

profile pic

Okay, I am now only semi-anonymous. I added a profile pic yesterday. I was tired of that outline that didn't look a thing like me. :) Well, the picture I used is almost two years old, and I've cut my hair since then, so it looks a little less like me. It looks better than me, though, so that's why I used it.

If I'm going to be a blogger, I need to learn how to compose quickly and not be so perfectionistic (I deleted part of this sentence twice, trying to get it to sound the way I wanted it to.) Stop that! :) Think it, and type it, and let it be out there for anyone who chooses to read it. I'm realizing that I have a lot to say, and not enough time in the day for all I want to do, including blogging, so I need to learn to say it fast and be happy with whatever way it sounds.

That's a run-on sentence.
Who cares! Its a blog, not a research paper!

Is anything I have to say important...meaningful? Probably not. But I'm going to say it anyway.

librarianintx

Librarian 2.0 Step 4: RSS Feeds

I like RSS. Its cool. I like the idea of the news coming to me. I check CNN and MSNBC several times a day, so I plan to subscribe to their general feeds in the near future. I hope to not sign up for too many feeds, however, because I think it could get overwhelming. One factor I already find myself struggling with is do I sign up for a popular feed that is really active and might take a lot of time to scroll through, or do I sign up for a less popular feed with fewer postings? I have already unsubscribed to one feed because I realized it has not been updated in months. So I plan to try to hit a happy medium between the two options.

Update: I've added a few more feeds, but they're not work related.

There is a reader application for Blackberrys, but its not free. Darn. I'd like to have that, but I'm not going to pay for it.

librarianintx

Technology rocks!

http://www.livescribe.com/

SO cool! Its a pen that can translate what it writes into digital text that can be uploaded to a computer by a USB port. It can even upload audio! And to further the coolness factor...you can buy one at Target! No having to search for a specialty assistive technology company!

If I was still trying to be a writer, I would SO want one of these! I mean, it would still be great to have one, but since I'm a throwback who creates much more easily with pen and paper than composing on the keyboard, this pen would be a dream come true. Since my writing is confined to journaling, blogging, and posting these days, the pen isn't worth the high price for me.

Its still way cool though.

librarianintx

Social Media and People with Disabilities article

http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20100126/ARTICLES/100129756/1177?Title=Social-media-opens-social-world-to-elderly-disabled-

Social media opens social world to elderly, disabled
by David Morrison

Social media is developing into more than a pastime for the elderly and disabled. If implemented properly, it could become their social lifeline.

For some residents at Davis Health Care Center and Champions Assisted Living in Porters Neck, this is already the case.

Davis recently installed computer stations equipped with Skype, a free software that allows users to “call” and see anyone around the world using a Web cam.

Twenty-three people of varying abilities at both Davis and the adjacent Champions Assisted Living have full access to computers. Staff hope to improve this figure through the installation of wireless Internet in all rooms when they remodel the facility later this year.

One resident, Vel Evans, 90, uses this system to speak with her daughter Deb Evans as often as they can. Deb, who Skyped her mom from her home in Texas last week, called the program “reliable” and said, “Skype is fantastic for when my husband and I are teaching in China.”

Not everyone at Davis has the capabilities to use a standard system, but that hardly stops them from accessing the information superhighway.

Sixty-nine-year-old Edsel Odom suffered two simultaneous strokes on May 2, 2003. He now uses a wheelchair and clicks a mouse with his single functioning thumb. To type, he uses an infrared device mounted on a baseball cap.

Odom uses all types of social media, including Facebook, Twitter and MySpace, and blogs.
“Of all the tools available, I enjoy MySpace the most. You really get a chance to know people there as opposed to the glimpse you get from looking at Facebook,” he said.

Social media is about more than just family and friends for Odom.
“I want to share my message with the world!” he said.

Others, like Laura Still, a 49-year-old Davis resident, just want to have fun.

Still was involved in a serious car accident 16 years ago that left her with brain damage.
Within the past five years, her true technological abilities have surfaced. She uses a fully functioning Macintosh computer set up in her room to play games, draft e-mail and listen to her favorite tunes.

Her message to others with disabilities is, “Never give up!”

As more and more people with disabilities enter the social media arena, disability resources and organizations are having to stay one step ahead.

For example, information from the Web site Disability.Gov, which provides resources on topics such as traveling with a disability or how to apply for benefits, can now be found on Facebook as well as Twitter.

Bethaney Ferguson, a sociology instructor at Cape Fear Community College, emphasized the importance of awareness about these tools. Now more than ever as society transitions into the post-industrial technology era, people must find ways to remain connected, she said.

“Social media provides isolated individuals of any age group with a socializing outlet. It is not uncommon for the elderly in our society to feel as if they have lost their social voice, and the use of social media restores this voice, oftentimes from the comfort of one's home. The value in maintaining this voice for the elderly individual is undeniable.” Ferguson said.

A person's age and work status might be barriers to that technology, a UNCW professor said.
Eleanor Covan, professor of gerontology and sociology at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, said people become used to the technology with which they grow up.

“Once people leave the workforce, they tend not to learn new elements of technology, and that is one reason why the oldest old are not likely to be on Facebook,” Covan said.

“This is the population that prefers reading a newspaper, rather than an electronic news report, no matter who authored the article,” she said.

At Davis Health Care Center, Vel Evans and Edsel Odom are among the exceptions, joining the 38 percent of those 65 and older who use the Web, according to 2009 Internet trend data from the Pew Research Center.

Mind over matter

"Is this cockroach really hurting me in any way? " "Its simply like a butterfly; harmless and shaped different."

Saw this quote and is hopeful it will help me. I had to confront a huge, flying one in the apartment yesterday. Luckily he fell off the wall into a box and I got him outside.

But I'm still traumatized. Not exaggerating. I've had a severe roach phobia for about thirty years now. Its one of a few phobias I have. Last year I successfully killed a big, flying one in the apartment, and even though it was incredibly hard to do, I was hopeful that the experience had given me the courage to have some strength the next time I was faced with such a situation.

Didn't work. I had a panic attack. My heart pounded. My hands went numb. More than 24 hours later, I'm still nervous and jumpy.

But I do like that quote. I'm going to say it to myself when I feel scared. Because I love butterflies. Obviously.

librarianintx

Leaves DO change in Texas!

At least this year.... :)

Librarian 2.0 Step 3: Cloud Computing

My thoughts on Cloud Computing:
The idea of cloud computing is both fantastic and concerning for me. I think it is fascinating that so many people are so trusting that their information is going to be kept private and secure. I think this concept goes hand in hand with the idea of anonymity on the Web. Some people feel they can say anything (and they do!) because they believe they are posting anonymously.

For me cloud computing is so exciting because its all about access. Knowing that I can access the information I want and need from any computer or smartphone is a very important invention. This means I don't have to try to carry a laptop with me, or pay for Wi-Fi. It means I don't have to carry papers back and forth from home to work, or clog up my email with partially completed documents. It means if I don't finish something at work, I can pick up where I left off at home, without having to configure my home PC. It also means the home PC is not cluttered with work documents that I then might forget to email back to work.

For me cloud computing means increased mobility, greater independence, ease of use, and a more efficient use of my time, all of which are extremely valuable to me. Knowing that I could possibly get into Google Docs from my smartphone, add information, then upload it to my blog, all while I'm sitting at the doctor's office, or waiting for a ride, or enduring a ride, is like a dream come true, and I'm not exaggerating. I am constantly searching for affordable and accessible options to make better use of the time wasted in transit.

Do I worry about privacy and security? Yes. Do I worry about lost information? Yes, and losing the information is actually more worrisome to me than the privacy and security issue, which isn't smart, I know. But the emphasis that I place on ease of access would overrule my security concerns the majority of the time. For me, the information I would place in cyberspace is not highly sensitive. I'm talking about general work information and journal/personal opinion type of posting. No government secrets or the recipe for Coca-Cola or anything. Yes, I worry about identity theft, but that can happen to anyone. A friend had their identity stolen when someone took mail out of their mailbox. And when it comes to losing information, that can also happen in or out of cyberspace. Papers can get thrown in the trash. Water leaks, flooding, or other kinds of damage can occur. So information isn't 100% safe anywhere, really.

Many aspects of life carry some amount of risk. I have a friend who uses a wheelchair. She now has an automatic lock in her and her husband's lift-equipped van that eliminates the need for her husband to physically tie down her wheelchair. She just rolls right in, and the device locks her wheelchair in place. For her it means greater independence. For her husband it means relief for his knees and back. For both of them it means saving some time. The downside is that in the event of an accident, the lock would disengage more readily than the conventional tie-downs would. For my friends, the ease and access of the locking device outweighs the risk that might occur in the event of an accident.

Life is about constant judgement decisions.

Something extra:
This link is actually not part of the 12 Steps of Web and Library 2.0, but I thought it was germane to the conversation about societal divisions in social networking:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/TECH/science/10/13/social.networking.class/index.html

Librarian 2.0 Step 2: Blogs: My Thoughts

A co-worker and I are working on something called "A Dozen Ways to Two Step" from the Texas State Library. Here's the link about it:
http://www.tsl.state.tx.us/ld/12things/

We're learning about all kinds of emerging computer technologies, and getting hands-practice with tools such as Google docs and readers, facebook, youtube, podcasts, etc. I am really enjoying this training. I have a lot of thoughts, which I will now be transferring from my google doc account to here.

Here are my thoughts from Step 2:
Change for me has always been scary. I am learning to view change as more exciting and sometimes just a little scary.

The landscape is changing so fast; keeping up with the dynamic environment is a challenge. I've never been very interested in being a leader and I still don't consider myself leader material. But I find the prospect of librarians being at or at least near the forefront of this technological revolution fascinating and thrilling. I have always been worried in everything that I do that I won't be able to "keep up with" everyone else. i still worry about that. But I'm also excited to try. I don't have a scientific mind; I don't understand how things work in a mechanical sense. But I don't think I have to know that kind of information. I just need to know what's out there and the basics of how to use it. The challenge is and will continue to be the ability to stay abreast and informed of constantly evolving technology, updated versions, and new systems. In a way it feels a little disappointing, because when I find something new I like to use it and enjoy it for awhile. But in this environment, I think many items and systems will become outdated, out of fashion, or possibly even obsolete in a short amount of time.

Take "MySpace" for example. It was "the big thing" not too long ago, and now most people have moved on to Facebook, LinkedIn, and other social networking sites. Its not really "cool" to be on MySpace anymore.

Another example could be the cell phone industry. The more you can do with a cell phone these days, the more attractive it is in today's mobile, impatient, active society. We need information, we need it fast, and we want it all in one gadget if possible. For some, one type of phone fulfills those needs. For others, another type fits the bill. I would use brand names, but that would prove my point. A few months after I mention them, people who read this might say, "Oh, those aren't the most popular phones anymore." In today's society, people desire the "it" product, the item that everyone is talking about. If you have the best cell phone, the computer with the biggest hard drive, the newest car, the awesome new "toy," then you have status; people are interested in you.

This also plays into the problem of the digital divide; the "haves" vs the "have nots." I think this problem could potentially deepen over time. Even though efforts are being made to ensure that children have access to computers and technology in schools, they will not be provided items as adults. Luckily the prices for computers are much lower than they used to be, and many applications are available for free. But popular gadgets aren't usually low in price. Those who cannot afford technology usually, thought not always, are the least likely to be informed about technology. So the divide widens if you can't afford what's out there, you don't even know it exists, you don't know how it works, and you won't know when it gets upgraded or is replaced by something else. This is a much bigger problem than simply a question of social status and mobility, although those ideals are important too. I'm also thinking about access to information, which can be critical. More and more in my work, I'm noticing that organizations don't provide phone numbers for the public. If you need to contact a company or a non-profit, you have to send an email, or fill out a form on their website. Which is difficult to do if you don't have a computer. Yes, you could go to a public library and use the computer there. But you probably don't have an email address for them to contact you. Or a cell phone. Or the time or transportation to get to a public library, if you work two jobs and take the bus. For many in our society, the digital divide has potentially serious consequences.

As librarians, I think there is at least some work we can do to bridge the digital divide. Look at what we've done in our library. Seniors and people with disabilities are learning to download books from the Internet, sync the books to mobile devices, and burn them to disks. They are learning to use digital audiobook players, many of which are portable and offer additional features such as notetaking, file storage, and access to music. They are also becoming informed about assistive technology and sources for funding. All of which is making this segment of the population knowledgeable, employable, empowered, and in many cases more independent and mobile than they otherwise would be.

Helen Keller quote

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."

Very nice quote. She was so amazing. One of my heroes. Wonderful sentiment, but sometimes hard to put into practice, unfortunately.

librarianintx

Marsh

Marsh
Originally uploaded by DMA68

Yea, I figured it out! Turned out it was easy (of course!) :) When you click on an image in your account, there are clickable buttons just above the image, and one of them says "blog this." Its the same way when you find an image on Flickr. For some reason I didn't see those buttons when I was trying to post over the weekend. Can't imagine how I missed them. But anyway, now I know, and its easy. So exciting when I figure something out on my own! :)

Against the Colors

Against the Colors
Originally uploaded by tropicaLiving

Okay, so this is how you add an image from Flickr. Yea! :) But I still haven't figured out how to post an image that I have put on Flickr to my blog. Maybe you can't do that. Maybe you have to post it from your computer. But what if you're not at home and don't have access to the images on your computer?

Still working on this.

Beautiful picture anyway. :)

First image post!

Okay, my first posting of an image on blogger. Yea me. :) But I'm not too excited yet. Because I tried first to upload an image to this blog from my new Flickr account, but it didn't work. This image was posted from my computer. Still got the job done. But I need to figure out how to do it in Flickr too.

This type of butterfly is called a West Coast Lady. I am really getting into butterflies. Love the concept of a metamorphosis. Love the freedom of flight.

librarianintx

Something else I strive for...

Resilience.

People might say I'm a resilient person, but I've never felt like I was. I'm striving for that now. Resilience. Resilience and balance.

I had it on Saturday. A long day, the longest car ride I've experienced in years, to be a support system for a friend. It was a day that ended a long week of stress and planning and concern. What a relief that the day went well, and the task was accomplished. I did what I set out to do, and I did it without an utterance of complaint or discomfort. Because there was none.

I was resilient on Saturday. And my friend had a big weight lifted from his shoulder. It was a very good day.

librarianintx

Lyrics

"My hands are small I know
But they're not yours,
they are my own
But they're not yours,
they are my own...

I am never broken"

"Hands"
by Jewel

At some point...

At some point I need to stop feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings. A wise friend of a wise friend came up with a brilliant quote recently: "My intentions were pure, and your feelings are not my responsibility." I overextend myself constantly in order to keep everyone happy. Which of course doesn't actually happen. People still get upset. Crap still happens.

At some point, I'm going to figure it out.

librarianintx

A Brief History

See, the problem is, when I was younger, I was convinced I couldn't do much. In fact, I believed I SHOULDN'T do much. I was weak, I was disabled, it was dangerous for me to overdo. So to make sure I didn't overdo, I "underdid." Plus it helped that I had a mother who felt she had to overprotect me and do everything for me. Before I knew it I was 28 years old, living in my own apartment for the first time, and I barely knew how to do anything. I had very limited experience with cooking, shopping, and managing my own money. I had never done my own laundry. I was tweny-five when I took my first out of town bus trip by myself, and that was just to visit family. When I was faced with something I didn't know how to do, all I had to do was ask my mother to do it for me. Actually, I rarely even had to ask. She would already know, and just do it for me.

But now I'm learning what a good feeling it is to do for myself, and to figure things out for myself. Its qute a high for me. I'm also learning that within good reason, its good for me to be active. Yes, I do need rest, but the more I use my muscles, again within reason, the better my physical and respiratory health will be. And its true, thanks to certain medications and other medical interventions, I am accomplishing more in a day than I ever thought possible. And that feels GREAT! But again, the problem is balance. How much, how often, for how long? And what activities should I focus on? What are some things that I'm doing that it would be healthier for me to give up and let someone else do? What are some daily activities that I can give up control over for my health?

Balance

I feel like I'm going to search for it forever...work toward it and never completely achieve it.

I'm doing more than I've ever done before to achieve health. I have a big problem with procrasination, and rarely do everything that I'm supposed to in a day. Part of the problem, of course, is that I have too many things I need to do for health, and not enough energy and time in the day to get it all done. Breathing exercises, physical exercising, eating right, taking meds, routine hair, skin, and tooth care, etc. Plus keeping my environment and equipment clean...

Although I'm doing quite a bit in the physical health realm, I'm not faring as well in the emotional health area. All the orange juice, broccoli, cantaloupe, fish, and low fat milk are great, but the improved diet is counteracted by stress, frustration, the ongoing saga of my complicated interpersonal relationships. Every day I'm trying to balance the desire to engage in activities I enjoy with the responsibility of making myself available to the people in my life who need me. My body is almost constantly on a hair-trigger, waiting for some disaster to strike, big or small. I want to fix everyone's life, including my own.

I am not powerLESS to change this. I am powerFUL. But a part of me refuses to alter the status quo. It is that part that gets the pay-off, that feels a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, the satisfaction that the mind and the body has done as much as they possibly could to keep everyone and everything, including myself, as happy and running as smoothly as possible. That part, however, doesn't feel what the rest of me feels...frustrated, overwhelmed, lacking, never enough. Not every day, luckily, but too often.

Balance is the constant brass ring.
librarianintx

YES WE DID

Yes we did.

Slightly more than four years ago, I watched Barack Obama make his keynote address at the DNC for John Kerry. I had not heard of him before. After his speech, I stood up in my housemate's bedroom, tears in my eyes and pride in my heart, and declared "That man's going to be president. And I cannot wait!"

Turns out I didn't have to wait that long.

What a great night. Tuesday helped to lessen the pain of eight years ago, the stress of Florida and hanging chads and the Supreme Court decision. Of course I wanted Barack to take Ohio and Pennsylvania and Indiana, but more than anything else, I wanted him to take Florida. Florida was ours eight years ago, then it was stripped away, and I wanted it back. As it turns out, we didn't need Florida, and we didn't find out we had it until after we learned we won the whole country. So I guess for some it was anti-climatic that we took Florida. I was still excited.

We thought it was going to be a late night. But at 10:10 pm Central Time, that magic announcement flashed on our television screen. CJ and I hugged each other and hollered and broke open a bottle of sparkling apple cider for a toast. The phone calling began. The celebrating commenced. I asked CJ how he felt, and he answered simply, "I can breathe again."

to be continued...

good description

"...and the bottom line for me was if I wasn't healthy, everything in my life stopped, including my independence. Making my health my number one focus forced me to ask for what I needed. And do you know what happened? Instead of taking my usual ten steps forward and then twelve steps back, I slowly and steadily advanced by taking baby steps in every area of my life - my health, my finances, my relationships, and particularly my need to be creative."

Amy Elizabeth Alexander, Exceptional Parent magazine contributing editor

Regret

One of our friends' cats passed away two days ago; we got the news yesterday. This passing was especially hard because the cat was friends with our cat (if cats actually can be friends, lol). They played in the courtyard of our former apartment complex together, and they would have "play dates"; they would lay on my bed and nap together. Our friends moved to another state several years ago, so I haven't seen the cat in a long time, but I still feel the loss. And I wonder how our cat felt when our friends moved away. She is a completely indoor cat now, and doesn't have any friends. I don't let any other animals in the house, because I'm concerned she will mark her territory. She is definitely an alpha cat, and I know we could not bring another cat into the apartment to stay.

Whenever anyone in my life passes away, person or animal, I always feel huge amounts of regret, believing that I wasn't good enough or nice enough to them, didn't help them enough or spend enough time with them. I replay in my mind the times that I was hard on them or fought with them or ignored them. I know it will be very difficult when our cat dies. This is my first time to raise a cat, and I have made many mistakes. She is stubborn, as all cats are, and unfortunately she also seems to have a mean streak. Maybe I caused her to develop that, I don't know. But I have been very hard on her sometimes, and she has been hard on me. She has mellowed as she's aged, and we have lovely times together. She sits on my lap sometimes. And she gets in bed with me every night; I fall asleep petting her as she curls up against my leg. CJ and I lovingly tease her about laying in the hallway between our rooms, and standing at the refrigerator door waiting for wet food. We have good times with her. But unfortunately, there has been a lot of bad times as well.

Our friends' cat was six months younger than our cat. Our cat just passed her tenth birthday. I was very busy around the time of her birthday, and have only recently realized that I completely forgot to celebrate her birthday. Ten years is a milestone, and yes, she is *only* a cat, but I still feel I should have done something. She would have liked a toy. If I had sung "Happy Birthday" to her, though, she probably would have bitten me. She hates it when I sing. Can't blame her on that one.

librarianintx

A pioneer in the field

Harriet McBryde Johnson died yesterday:

http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jun/05/harriet_mcbryde_johnson_dies43458/

An example of a life lived fully, in truth, fearlessly. Lawyer, author, speaker, civil and disability rights activitist. Even though I may not have always agreed with her, she was an important voice for our cause.

librarianintx

Sober

No, this post isn't about me "being on the wagon." :-) Actually, I don't drink at all. This is about the song I'm currently addicted to: Kelly Clarkson's "Sober." I'm still addicted to Natasha Beddingfield's "Unwritten" as well, and I also totally love Madonna's "Four Minutes" too.

"Sober"....wow. What emotion in that song! Its one of the reasons I love love love Kelly Kelly Kelly. She was my American Idol before Clay, and I still adore her. I just can't go to her concerts because they are SO LOUD! She's loud, the band is loud, unfortunately its just too much for me. I saw her and Clay together in 2004, and the difference in their sound was pronounced even then. I can only imagine how loud she is now. I don't even need earplugs at a Clay concert, and I really appreciate that. I want my hearing for as long as I can keep it.

Anyway, she might be too loud for me in concert, but I can listen to her songs all day (set at a comfortable level) The passion and the heart and soul that she puts into her music is so amazing; there's no "phoning it in" with Kelly. Its interesting because she comes across in interviews as this bubbly, carefree, chatty, sunny girl, and the majority of her songs are so full of pain, angst, agony, and heartbreak. "Sober" is a song about her surviving a devastating break-up. She starts out with a quiet melody, and the song builds as it goes along. By the end she is screaming. "Three months and I'm still sober....Three months and I’m still breathing...Three months and I still remember it...Three months and I wake up..."

I haven't ever had anyone break up with me, but that doesn't mean I don't resonate with those feelings. I've never been in a real romantic relationship, but I have felt the pain of love lost. I know what its like to wonder how you are still functioning with all the hurt you're carrying.

librarianintx

Fear

I have a severe weather phobia.
I have had it pretty much all my life.
I am so tired of it.

I was born in Florida. The land of daily summer electrical storms. No one else in my family has this phobia. It wasn't passed down to me. I just developed it, and I have not yet been able to overcome it, although some years have been worse than others. It alters my life.

When I was younger, I would get hysterical during a storm. I would run from window to window, screaming. When I was really little, I would hide under my high chair.

In elementary school, I would find excuses not to go outside for recess or P.E. if I thought a storm was coming. One time we were outside for P.E. and the sky started to turn dark. The teacher didn't feel it was necessary to go inside. I asked to go to the restroom. When I got inside, it started pouring. The storm wasn't severe, but my class had to stay under the covered basketball area for what seemed like a long time. They thought it was fun. I was so relieved that I was inside and not trapped outside in the weather.

I live in Texas, so I have been through my share of storms. Apparently I went through an actual tornado when I was about four or five years old, but I don't remember. All the other times have been funnel clouds overhead, or straight line winds. I have never been injured due to weather. I have never been anywhere that sustained damage during severe weather, except for rumors of a few windows breaking in a dorm in graduate school. My roommate's grandfather was killed in a tornado in Illinois. I never met him. Oh, and my sister and brother-in-law's light fixtures in one of their bathrooms fell during a possible tornado in their neighborhood about fifteen years ago. They were not home at the time.

My point is, I have been through quite a few storms in my life, including two hurricanes and a few tropical storms, and nothing has ever happened to me. The probability of something happening to me is really quite small, especially since I'm usually not out in a storm. But the low probability doesn't help my phobia, unfortunately. I'm still scared.

Not much seems to help. I feel like I have tried everything. I am frustrated.

I am not as bad as I could be. I do leave the house on possible bad weather days. I don't hide in the closet all day. But I do check the online weather sites continuously on such days. Actually, I usually start a day or two before the bad weather is predicted. That is one of the most annoying features of my phobia. I can understand being afraid if the weather is imminent, but why do I get so freaked out a day or two beforehand? Sometimes forecasts change, and sometimes storms lose their punch before they even reach my area.

The absolute worst part for me is the fear of being alone during a severe storm. I really just can't do it. I am so much better if I am with someone during a storm. Having people around keeps me calm. Being in a big building where I can't see and hear what's happening is even better. My heart still pounds and I have trouble sitting still and concentrating and eating. But being alone is the worst.

I have improved in some areas. I am no longer afraid of ordinary thunderstorms. I have been able to pinpoint the crux of my fear. I am not really afraid of thunder, lightening, or hail. I am afraid of wind, tornadoes, and the darkness of a severe thunderstorm.

We have a chance of severe thunderstorms tonight. I was already afraid yesterday and am still today. Its only a slight chance, and that does make me feel a little better. I am really really trying to stay calm. I know that fear and anxiety aren't healthy for me. I have been doing so well at lessening my anxiety in other areas, and I am so much happier because of it. I am able to do so much more than I used to be able to. But the weather thing...I just can't seem to get past it. I am able to function, but barely. It definitely takes a toll on me, physically and emotionally. It takes a toll on my relationships as well. I ask the people in my life all the time to "save me" from the storm. I need to learn to save myself.

I have learned that you can't force anxiety to go away; anger and frustation directed at fear only makes the fear more tenacious. You have to allow the anxiety to exist, and that actually takes some of its power away. I am also working on recognizing and then reversing the physical symptoms of the phobia. When I hear the wind start to howl or the sky begin to darken, that is when the heart really starts to pound. So I try to calm myself down. Breathe. Relax. I am going to be okay. I try not to look out the window. I put on earphones or turn the tv up.

I was hoping that writing about it would help. Maybe it has. But I'm still thinking about it. I'm still scared. I'm just so tired of this. Its so useless. Worry is the most useless emotion there is. I keep scouring the Internet, looking for information that's going to help, that's going to make me feel better. I have found some, but not enough. I look to the people in my life to save me. I am running, always running from this fear. Phobias are all about a lack of control. I cannot control the weather. I can only control my reactions to it. If only I could.

librarinintx

Sins, part 2

It took me so long to work on my earlier blog that I had to leave for a party before it was done, and I was afraid I would lose it, so I posted it. Let me see if I can succinctly make my point (yeah, right) :)

My mother was not given adequate information and support. My sister was not given adequate information and support as a sibling of a person with a disability. My sister's husband of now twenty plus years is a healthy, adventurous, fun-loving man with a low tolerance for "whiners and worriers." I endured three very difficult trips to stay with my sister and brother in law when they lived out of state shortly after they were married. Even though life and our relationships have changed over the years, I still refuse to spend even a night at their house because of what transpired more than twenty years ago, even though they have three daughters now and live only about ten minutes from my mother's house. I visit them all the time when I am in town, we are close, but I do not spend the night. I do not give them that much power over me.

Which brings me to the parents of Ashley X. Obviously what that child has endured far and away exceeds anything that I have experienced. That should go without saying. Yet I do not consider her parents to be monsters. I can understand on an intellectual level that they love their child and believe they did what was best for her. What I cannot understand is how doctors, and how society, can believe that what was done to her was okay. Yes, it is the sins of the parents because they are the ones that pushed for all of this. But its also the sins of the doctors who said yes, who not only AGREED to these surgical procedures and medical interventions, but BELIEVED that they were the right course to take. And it is the sins of society, who should step up and say, "This isn't right, this shouldn't be done, this is a child who has a right to her body, a right to keep her female organs, a right to grow to normal height and weight, and instead of stunting her growth and taking out her organs to keep her small and lightweight, let's help these parents, lets give them personal assistants and respite care and teach them how to care for their daughter that will prevent injury to themselves and still allow them to lead as normal a life as possible."

There is good and bad in everyone. We are not one-dimensional beings. We can, and often do, change and grow. My relationship with my family is good now, for the most part. That does not mean that I forget what happened in the past. But I can understand it better now.

librarianintx

Sins of family or society?

I had intended to blog about my milestone birthday, but I'll get to that.

I saw an article online the other day about the Ashley X saga. It was an update of sorts, with the family emailing CNN to let them know that their "pillow angel" is doing well, and they consider all that they had done to their daughter to be both a success and hopefully an example to other families who want similar treatments for their children.

The article outlines the controversy without reaching a definitive conclusion on "rightness" or "wrongness." Interestingly, I had not heard before that one of the doctors who authorized the treatment has committed suicide. A friend of the family says it was not because of the Ashley treament.

I bring this up because as you know if you have read my blog before, I have strong opinions on this subject. But I also bring this up because of a meeting I was at yesterday. I am a member of an advisory board that assists a domestic violence organization with issues relating to persons with disabilities. This domestic violence organization does amazing work period, and their work in the field of disabilities is especially exemplary. They assist individuals who are victims of abuse (spouse, caregiver, attendant, family, or institutional) and they also train service providers and other domestic violence organizations staff on how to effectively assist individuals with disabilities who have disabilities.

In the meeting yesterday we were discussing information provided by participants of a series focus groups on both abusive and healthy relationships. The staff person was outlining a list of abuses that people discussed in the groups. The members of our meeting were shocked and upset by much of what we heard, myself included. However, as the staff person continued talking, I realized with surprise that many of these activities were done to me as a child and teenager. I have never thought of myself as a victim or family members as perpetrators, and I still really can't. And I can definitely say that I what I experienced was very mild compared to what other people with disabilities go through. The fact is, it still happened. And while I am so grateful that I am finally coming to terms with my past and learning to move on from it, I wish I had been able to forge ahead years ago. I have spent way too many years lost in fear, anxiety, and worry.

So which parts of the list did I identify with?
1) threats of being put in a mental institution (due to ongoing phobias)
2) denial of disability
3) denial of possible serious illness
4) lack of nutrition
5) refusal to provide or use assitive devices
6) recklessness when using assistive devices
7) teasing about appearance
8) being labeled lazy or stupid in response to fatigue issues

Yes, this was done by family members. And of course I blame them for their actions. But I know they are not evil, hateful people. My family loves me. What I am realizing now is that they did what they did because of ignorance, not because of ill will. Ignorance and fear and frustration. My mother didn't do what she did because she didn't love me. She did it because she was ill-prepared to be a widow at the age of thirty-six, raising two daughters, one of which has a disability. She did it because even though the extended family tried to provide assistance, she was still faced with big economic and social pressures. She didn't know about services that were available to assist me until I was nearly out of high school.

Update on the "fierce boy"

Yes, I'm sad. Danny got voted out. But I expected it. I had a lot of respect for Chekezie last night, as he unabashedly hugged and comforted a shaking and tearful Danny for much longer than most men would have done. Ryan called him, "One of the most courageous performers we've had on this show," and Danny got to strut his stuff one more time without being played off. I wish he could have at least lasted a few more weeks so he could have made the tour, but it was not to be. I hope good things happen for Danny in the future.

librarianintx

My "fierce boys" of reality tv

Yea Christian from Project Runway!! Here are some comments I made on a message board about him:

I love Christian from Project Runway too; I'm so glad he won. I think he's adorable and I love his "chutzpah." I got all misty eyed when he started crying. I honestly don't think that show is about making clothes for "everyday women." Its about high fashion and coutre (spelling?), and I think most of us would never imagine wearing the clothes these designers create. Items created for the runway are the kinds of things someone like Christian creates: dramatic, intricate, artistic, and yes, over the top. Honestly, I wish he had used more color in his designs. But I thought the two-toned dress at the end was absolutely amazing. And I thought he was spectacular all season. I thought he definitely deserved to win.

It was actually a shock to me that Christian is as popular as he is; I was very surprised that he won the fan favorite award. He looked stunned as well! I thought liking him would put me in the minority (I'm used to that.) I thought his attitude would turn people off. But I've been intrigued all season with the juxtaposition of his "puppy dog" eyes and his "fierceness," how he can be helpful one minute and so caustic the next, and the final episode really got me with his anxiety and tears at the end. I think for all of his brashness and "I'm the best" attitude, I think he was really afraid at the end that he would be runner-up. And I was afraid he would be as well, because my favorite usually does come in second place. :-)

My other "fierce boy" of the moment...Danny Noriega from American Idol. With this one I think I'm definitely in the minority. Many comments on message boards find him annoying, rude, and not a good enough singer. I think he's interesting, funny, and talented...not the best singer in the competition, but definitely not the worst. Again, like Christian, I see a very complex personality. He's got a ton of moxie, and a "devil may care" attitude, but there is a vulnerability in his eyes, if you look beyond the pout and the head snaps. I agree with Randy that he is holding back vocally; he needs to channel some of that uber confidence he displays in his performance to his voice. Usually I am highly irritated when contestants yap back to Simon, but I find Danny and Simon's exchanges highly entertaining. And Danny's wilting "mmm mmm" comment to Ryan about not noticing the purple streaks in his hair was the funniest moment on that show in a long time. On the other end, I got choked up witnessing Danny's tears when the girls were eliminated last week. All for show? Could be. But it got to me.

Usually I really can't stand self-centered, "full of themselves" people. But I think that's the point I'm trying to make. I think Christian and Danny come across that way to a lot of people, but I just don't see them that way. I see them as unique and complex individuals. I also have respect for the fact that they aren't afraid to be themselves. I think because in many ways I fear showing my true self to the world, as I get older I am intrigued by people who put themselves out there and have such personal conviction. I am especially amazed that they are so young. But some would say that is part of their problem; they are impetuous and have no respect for authority. One person on a message board said Danny wouldn't last a day in a recording studio with his attitude. She could be right. I guess all I can say at this point is that I am enjoying watching and seeing what happens next. Christian and Danny definitely live up to my definition of reality tv. They are talented and entertaining. Go boys! Ya'll are FIERCE!

librarianintx

Liars Club

I just find it a sad commentary on life when people feel they have to lie to get what they want. And then when they're caught, they very rarely take responsibility. They usually say, "I wasn't aware," "I didn't realize," "I never meant to mislead," "I didn't understand."

Please.

Two cases currently in the news. Well, actually they're a bit old now. But anyway. I'm not going to provide links because probably by the time I find links they'll be outdated by tomorrow. But the first case is the contestant from "Survivor," the school cafeteria worker. Denise. On the "Survivor" live reunion show, she told the audience that she had been demoted to school janitor when she returned from the show, because she was "too famous." I watched the show. And I felt sorry for her. She painted herself as a hard worker, trying to make ends meet for her husband and kids. She played on the sympathy of the audience and the producers of the show, talking about having to clean toilets, and how the job made her feel emotionally. At every reunion show now, the viewers at home vote to give someone $100,000 as the "fan favorite" of the season. Denise was in the top 3 for the award, but she didn't win. When they returned from commercial, Jeff announced that the series creater, Mark Burnett, was "so touched" by Denise's story that he was writing her a check for $50,000. Denise beamed. The audience cheered. Denise's family looked like they were crying. A Hallmark moment.

Except the story was a lie. Oh, Denise really did become a janitor for the school. But she REQUESTED the job change, BEFORE she left for the show. The janitor job pays more than the lunch lady job. She wasn't demoted. She made the choice to take the job.

Did she really think the truth wouldn't come out? Did she think she could lie on national television, and her employers wouldn't be watching? So the truth came out, and Denise released a statement, saying she "didn't intend to mislead anyone." She also said she was planning to donate the money to charity. Goody for her, but is that supposed to make up for what she did? What kind of example is she setting for her children?

Which is a great segue for story #2. Short and sweet. A little girl wanted to see Hannah Montana in concert. A company was sponsoring an essay contest and the winner won two tickets and a makeover. The little girl wrote the essay about her father, a soldier who had been killed in Iraq.

Yep. Her father was not dead and not in the military. Her mother admitted helping her write the essay. Her excuse. "We didn't know it had to be a true story."

The prize was awarded to another girl. But this child lost a lot more than concert tickets. I can appreciate that the mother wanted to see her daughter's dreams come true. But to make her daughter complicit in any kind of lie, and especially in one of such magnitude....I just feel so badly for that child. I can only imagine what kind of torment she is facing, at school and in her neighborhood.

I guess that's one of the major problems in our society. People act first and think later. They want what they want and they go after it no matter what the consequences. And they don't consider the collateral damage...to their communities...their families...their children.

librarianintx

O Iowa

Its OBAMA time in Iowa!!

I haven't blogged about Obama before? I know I've journaled about him. His speech at the DNC made me stand up in the middle of my roommate's bedroom and applaud. Without a doubt he is the politician of my life. I have never been so interested in seeing someone get elected, although I did stay up until 4 am when Gore "won" in 2000. I would like to get involved in his campaign, and maybe now that I'm feeling better I'll be able to. Last night was quite exciting. I know its "only the Iowa Caucus." There is still a lot of time for anything to happen. But history WAS made last night. And I loved watching it happen. He is such a brilliant speaker. Of course I worry about his inexperience. And to be perfectly honest I have expected more of him from the debates. But like I said, there is still time. He's got huge momentum, and he needs to maintain it. Next stop: New Hampshire!

librarianintx

Another one

I've got one more for ya...

"Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season."

This was sent in an e-card to me from an acquaintance. I'm sure I've mentioned to him more than once that I'm Jewish. But maybe I didn't. Or maybe he didn't care. He was going to get his point across anyway.

If you're confused, read the entry before this one.

librarianintx

Joy to the World

On Thursday of last week I answered a reference call at work, and assisted a very nice man. We discussed his request and I told him about the information I would be sending him. He complimented the program I work for and the friendly staff, and I thanked him for his comments. As is my custom at this time of year, I ended the call by wishing him "Happy Holidays." He thanked me and then cheerily said through the phone line, "Keep the Christ in Christmas!"

This line reserved for clearing my throat.
This line reserved for pulling out my stepstool.
This line reserved for dragging my crippled ass up on my soapbox.

Its very simple really. I am not Christian. But I understand that I live in a Christian society. A melting pot of religions? Or the acceptance of people with no religious beliefs? Please. As if. Yes, we have the FREEDOM in this country to persue whatever religion we choose to, or to refrain from any religious pursuits. And that is certainly very important. But in everyday life, Christianity is pervasive in this country. People just naturally assume that everyone is Christian, and everyone celebrates Christmas. People might occassionally say, "Happy Holidays," like I do. But way more often its "Merry Christmas!" "How is your Christmas shopping going?" "Are you ready for Christmas?" "What are your plans for Christmas?"

I don't want to be rude to people. They are trying to be friendly, conversational. In some cases if its a salesperson talking to me I know they have been mandated by their employers to say "Christmas" rather than "Holiday." Wal-Mart is an example. Wal-Mart, the epitome of American capitalistic society.

Only on a rare occassion, when I've really had enough, do I say, "My Hanukkah was great, thanks." Or "I don't celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Hanukkah." Sometimes when someone says "Merry Christmas" to me, I want to say "Happy Hanukkah" to them. But I usually don't. Because that's my point. I don't celebrate Christmas, and I pretty much figure that they don't celebrate Hanukkah. Two wrongs don't make a right.

In my brain, "Happy Holidays" is the perfect term to use during this time of year. Its inclusionary, not exclusionary. "Holiday" could mean Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or even the Winter Solistice. Problem solved...in my opinion.

But of course not everyone thinks like me. And why should Christians think like me. They're in the majority. They're running the ship. They are in charge. And for them, any voice of change is not seen as an agent of inclusion, but an agent of destruction. They don't see a shift from "Christmas exclusively" to "Holiday inclusionary," they see a denial of their right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech. People like me are trying to "take away Christmas." That's why there's this "Put the Christ in Christmas" campaign.

I don't think the two sides will ever be able to see each other's viewpoint. I'm not trying to take away Christmas; I am simply trying to make the season a time when everyone feels included. That really is what its all about for me.

Let me just tell you a bit about what its like to be Jewish during Christmas. Door decorating contests at school where Jewish symbols weren't allowed. Art projects that involved making Christmas tree ornaments. My sister and brother-in-law's neighboorhood mandating that everyone line their driveways with Christmas lights and erect Christmas symbols in their front yards (they lined their driveway with blue and white lights, and found a giant star and dreidel somewhere (Home Depot? Garden Ridge?) to put in their yard, after initially refusing to comply with the mandate.) The school Christmas parties. The dorm Christmas parties. The office Christmas parties. The nativity scene in the dorm cafeteria. This is what its like to be Jewish during Christmas. Or for those who celebrate Kwanza. Or for those who do not celebrate any of the three.

I have a couple of close friends who are Christian. And as I've said before I am a big Clay Aiken fan, and he is a devout Christian. I have learned much about the true Christian spirit from these people. They have helped to heal some of my wounds regarding Christianity. My struggle goes much deeper than Christmas, and is a topic for future blogs. My friends understand that I'm not trying to take anything away from them. I'm trying to make room at the table for everyone.

I often feel like an outsider in life. I haven't found a place where I feel like I truly belong. This time of year unfortunately serves to magnify those feelings.

Happy Holidays.
librarianintx

Reality Show

Yes, when I first heard and read about the CBS reality show "Kid Nation," I was pretty shocked. Forty kids left in a desert ghost town for forty days by themselves? C'mon. There were injuries. Parents were claiming they hadn't been fully informed. There was discussion of the show violating child labor laws. On and on. I wasn't going to watch it. I'm all about most reality shows (I do draw the line at the Bachelor and Temptation Island, etc) , but it seemed like this one was really a bad idea.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/

But the producers urged the viewers to give it a try. Watch the first episode, and see if your pre-conceived notions turn out to be unfounded. So I watched the first episode. I missed a few along the way, but I was there for the finale....and I cried during the last thirty minutes of the show. It wasn't the first time I had shed a tear during the run of the show.

Overall I thought it was good. Was it the best show on tv? No. But it was funny. It was exciting. And it was heartwarming. Kind of Survivor meets the Waltons meets the Andy Griffith show. Not that the kids were angels or anything. There was arguing, sometimes a lot. There was near punching a few times. There was even some foul language! They got a little crazy sometimes. They're real kids!

But there were a lot of heartwarming moments. They really pulled together and helped each other. Many of the kids grew up right in front of our eyes. They had to make some tough decisions. When they won a reward, they usually had to choose between two rewards...one was something they needed, like a washing machine or fresh vegetables or clothes, and one was something fun, like pizza or a swimming pool or a giant stereo. In just about every case, they made the decision to go with what they needed over the luxury item. Not everyone was always happy about the decision.

There were big themes in Kid Nation, life stuff that everyone has to deal with at some point in their existence. They had to deal with socioeconomic, cultural, religious, and age differences. They had to exist in a class society, and often had to face the repercussions of people refusing to do their jobs. They had to work in order to earn money, and learned to go without what they wanted when they didn't have the money to buy items. They even had to deal with some issues that most people will never have to face, like killing a chicken if they wanted to eat meat, and repairing an outhouse if they wanted toilet facilities.

At the end of every episode the town council awarded one of the kids a gold star that was worth $20,000. My one regret of the show is that some of my favorite kids never got a gold star. I would have really wanted to see Mike and Laurel get one especially. I was definitely happy that Michael, Sophia, and Morgan each got one, and I think Sophia and Morgan also each won a second one at the end of the show. The three gold stars at the end were worth $50,000 each. In a way, though, maybe its fitting that some of the most deserving kids didn't win a gold star. Sometimes you work hard your whole life, you're a nice, good, deserving person, but you don't get a lot of recognition and nothing big ever happens to you. Such is life sometimes.

I don't know if there will be another Kid Nation show, but I'm glad I watched this one. I think those kids were afforded the opportunity of a lifetime to be involved with the show. I was impressed by the way they handled themselves. I think their parents will be as well.

librarianintx

Observations

Yesterday I was at my Mom's-side-of-the-family Hanukkah party. We don't have a Dad's-side-of-the-family Hanukkah party. Even though most of my Dad's relatives live only about three hours away, we rarely see them. I'm sure part of the reason is because my father died many years ago. Then again, my mom is still alive, most of her relatives live in the same city as her, and yet we only gather together in any significant number twice per year, at Hanukkah and Passover. Last year we had to have the Hanukkah party in January because everyone was so busy.

I should re-phrase that next to the last sentence though. My mom's two brothers and their wives and families get together quite often, in various groupings. My aunts and uncles have been on vacations all over the world. My aunts go on spa trips with their daughters. The families travelled to Massachusetts to watch my cousin M. race in the Boston Marathon this year..

My mother, sister, and I are not included. The activities are mentioned in front of us. More than that. They are discussed, planned, dissected, and regaled in front of us. They're usually more than happy to share pictures and stories from their great adventures. But that is the closest we get to inclusion.

Luckily, my sister doesn't have to wait around for invitations that never come. She and her husband of twenty years are hard-working people. They have a nice house with lots of nice things, three beautiful, healthy daughters, and money for travelling. They have been on several trips across the country with their children. Last year just the two of them went to Brazil for their anniversary, and next week they will visit Italy for a week. My brother-in-law's job includes a great deal of travelling. He literally has seen the world: Canada, Singapore, Kuwait, China, Yugoslavia, India, Algeria. Sure, he's been to those places for work, but he has had opportunities to sightsee as well.

My mom is catching up. As a single mother that included raising a daughter with a disability, there wasn't money in the budget for travelling. Now as a senior, semi-retired, there still isn't really money for travelling. But she manages. Cruises are her thing. She has been to Canada, Alaska, the Carribean, Mexico. She also goes to Las Vegas at least twice a year. It still hurts her that her family never includes her. It more than hurts her. It has shaped who she is.

I have not left my home state in nearly twenty years.

Interestingly, that wasn't what I was going to blog about initially.

Back to the party. My middle niece gave me a t-shirt as an early Hanukkah present. Its perfect for me, pink with a picture of a cat on it. The youngest niece approached me as I was admiring the gift and thanking her sister. Of the three girls, the youngest one bears the closest resemblance to me. She looked at me and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, I don't have a present for you." Without needing to think, I replied "You don't have to have a present for me. All you have to do is love me. That's your gift to me!"

The words "have to" weren't spoken to imply force. The written word conveyed without tone and setting can have an altering effect. She understood what I meant. That material possessions aren't important to me. Its her love that means the most to me. She grinned and exclaimed, "I do," her smile made even brighter by her shiny braces with the blue wires. Orthodontia sure has come a long way since I had braces twenty years ago. You can now get colored braces. Of course that costs extra. But when you can afford two international trips, at least three continental trips, dish network, new floors, granite countertops, a new bed, fresh paint, and G-d knows what else all in the span of one year, what's the big deal about a few extra bucks for colored braces? Oh, I think there was a new sports car in there too. But maybe that was last year.

See? I keep digressing. It happens after I've been around my family. Some members of them anyway. My bag gets full. That's colloquial for: I've had enough of the shit.

Unfortunately, my spontaneous ranting has caused the crux of this post to appear completely untruthful. What I came here to explain today is that material possessions DON'T matter. Its the love that matters. And hopefully I can illustrate that point now.

My nieces love me. Yes, I give them small gifts at Hanukkah and their birthdays. But that's it. Okay, and at their Bat Mitzvahs (two down, one to go). But not really other times. They know I don't have money. They have seen my apartment. They know I don't travel. They know I only work part time, and that I'm not married.

But they love me. They love me because I spend time with them. Our time together is not perfunctory the way my relationship is with the majority of my relatives. With everyone else at the party, it was a peck on the cheek (maybe), a "how are you?" and a "how's work going?" That's it. Period.

Not so with my nieces. We play games. We listen to music and look at funny stuff on you-tube. I listen to them. I am interested in what they have to say. I send them cards to say hello. They are .49 cent cards. There are no money or gift certificates in the envelopes. Just a little note to say "hello" and "I'm thinking about you." I know that the middle niece likes cats and the youngest one is a fanatic for the color blue and the oldest one loves being in the marching band. Two of them are teenagers now, and the youngest one is almost there, and every day I think, "The next time I see them they are going to be in that 'rotten teenager phase' where they hate everyone, including me." It hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will. But what I came here today to say is that it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if one day they come to hate me. I will love them forever. Some people in your life are like that. There are people in everyone's lives that they will love for their entire existence. I have other people that I feel that way about. There is even one person that I have never met. But I believe I will care about him forever.

I actually developed this observation before this weekend. I was thinking about the relationship between my mom and my sister, and that is when I had the epiphany. My sister and my mom are cut from the same cloth. That is why I notice a tenfold rise in tension a majority of the time that they are in the same room together. They can't communicate. I keep thinking they would be much happier if they could.

My sister is very hard on my mom. Its painful for me to watch. As it was painful for me to see my mom be hard on my grandmother. But my mother will love my sister forever. As I'm sure my grandmother loved my mom.

I know that love can die sometimes. It can burn out in a flash or it can fizzle away. But I think in many cases it endures, through hardships and celebrations, through anger and reconciliation, through loneliness and shelter, through agony and comfort.

librarinintx

A brief quote

"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do"

Olin Miller, quote in In Motion magazine

For anyone who has struggled for years with image problems, self-consciousness, anxiety in public places...this simple quote speaks volumes. One sentence really can change your life...

if you let it.

librarianintx

Landslide

"I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
'Til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know

Well I've been afraid of changin
'Because I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder, even children get older
And I'm getting older too

So, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down
The landslide will bring it down"

"Landslide"
by Stevie Nicks

Okay, really TWO book reviews this time

Let's get right to it, shall we?

Fallen Leaves: The Memoir of an Unwanted Chinese Daughter
by Adeline Yen Mah

Wow. Joan Crawford ain't got nuthin' on the stepmother in this book. Actually, the whole family is very dysfunctional. This book reminded me quite a bit of Memoirs of a Geisha, in that its amazing that the two women survived the emotional and physical trauma of their childhoods without losing their minds.

I was riveted; it was hard for me to put the book down. Since I read the back cover of the book before I bought it, I knew that she survives, and I knew what ultimately becomes of her. But the book was still engrossing, because there is much more to the story than her breaking free of the tyranny of her family. This is due to the fact that she never really does gain independence of them. For long after she is an adult, has a successful career and family of her own, and lives on another continent from much of her relatives, they continue to exert emotional torture on her. Her lifelong desire for love and respect from her family causes her to be susceptible to mental blackmail and financial difficulties. You have to read the whole book, because the person you think is behind the whole campaign against the author turns out to be only partially responsible for all that she goes through. As I said at the beginning, the stepmother is a real piece of work, but she isn't the only one. And even family members that the author insists are on her side make you wonder as you go through the pages.

And now for something completely different...

Be forewarned: Possible language/sexual content

Dork Whore: My Travels Through Asia as a Twenty-Year-Old Pseudo-Virgin
by Iris Bahr

How could I not buy this book? I had to buy it for the title alone. But it also has so many elements that interest me. She is Jewish, she was born in one place but grew up in another place, she has neuroses, its a biography, she is visiting foreign countries, she has a brother with a disability, and she is scared of sex.

My kind of book.

Its also absolutely freakin' hilarious. I was frequently laughing out loud as I read it. Its raunchy, its funny, its totally gross in places. Do not read this book if you are prude, or if you can't handle reading about bodily functions. I actually came close to gagging over one passage, even as I was laughing at the same time. Its that kind of book.

So now you're going to ask me, "So? Does she get laid by the end?" And my answer, of course, would be, "Read the book and find out!"

To tie in both of the reviews, people often ask me why I read what they consider to be depressing books. I read a lot of Holocaust literature, as well as the kind of books like Fallen Leaves, where someone is physically or emotionally scarred. But to me, they're not depressing books. I mean they are to a certain extent, but I don't read these kinds of books to focus on the bad stuff that happens. I read these books because they tell stories of people triumphing over adversity. "See what all she had to go through, and she managed to succeed. She beat the odds." I also read these kinds of books because they help me cut down on my bad habit of self-obsessing. When I read what others have had to go through in their lives, it makes my problems feel much less insurmountable.

librarianintx

A sad Survivor finale

I know...two posts in one day...shocking!! And I still need to do that second book review (thanks to the person who commented on the earlier review!)

But I have to rant about Survivor for a minute. Yeah yeah yeah, I know. "Its just a tv show." And "the motto of the show is 'Outwit. Outplay. Outlast." Or something like that. In other words, contestants are supposed to lie, cheat, and steal in order to win. Its the way the game is played. So why am I upset?

I am upset for several reasons. Number one, the best player did not win. Number two, one of the nicest people to ever play the game did not win. Number three, one of the nicest people who played one of the cleanest games did not win. Number four, two of the final three contestants, one of which was the winner, did not deserve to be in the finals in my opinion. Both of them were hangers on, letting other people figure out the strategies and win the challenges, while they voted as they were told to vote. Number five, the reason why Earl won, and by a unanimous decision for the first time in Survivor history, was NOT because he was the best player in the game. It was because his closest competitor in the final three, Dreamz, went back on a promise he made to Yau-Man. Yau-Man, one of the least likeliest people to win Survivor, was just about to do exactly that, when Dreamz destroyed all of Yau-Man's careful strategy and determination to win several challenges.

If you watched the season, you know what I'm talking about. If you didn't, you probably don't care. So I don't think I need to go into the whole story. But I am really sad about the whole thing. I'm not really pissed off, I'm just sad. Its one of those moments that causes a neon "Remember, no one ever promised you that life would be fair" sign to flash before my eyes.

For me, the only thing worse to ever happen on Survivor (besides Rob and Amber's engagement right before she won, ewww) was Johnnie Rotten (or whatever his name was) pretending that his grandmother died so he could get some sympathy attention and perhaps keep from getting voted out. In Johnnie's case, I think he could be mentally ill, and I hope he gets professional help before he hurts himself or someone else. But Dreamz is not mentally ill. He is simply a liar. Yes, there was strategy in Yau-Man's decision to give Dreamz the truck in exchange for immunity later on. Of course there was strategy involved. But there was also goodness involved as well. Yau-Man knew that Dreamz desperately needed and wanted a car. He knew how Dreamz grew up. Dreamz was not shy about his rough upbringing. He played Yau-Man by promising to G-d that he would give up immunity if the situation came about. And he played everyone else by pretending to agonize over his situation. He even brought his son into the mix, saying he had to do right to set a good example for his child. But in the end, greed won out over goodness. And he couldn't even admit to the depths that he had sunk. "Oh, its ok," he says with a wave of his hand. "Its a game. Its not real life. Everyone else cheats and lies in this game. Its how you win."

The one thing I can be grateful for is that the members of the jury did not reward treachery of this magnitude. Dreamz did not receive a single vote, and he was skewered by several of his fellow contestants, especially when he claimed at the final tribal council that he would "use the money to do a lot of good." Good for who, Dreamz? And would anyone want money that was "earned" in the face of such betrayal? I think its also sad that again for the first time in Survivor history, all three finalists were individuals of color. That is a good thing. The sad part is that one of them got there by lying and the other two got there by letting others do all the work.

I hope Dreamz' son is proud of him. I hope Dreamz can sleep at night.

And I hope Yau-Man has good Karma for years to come. He didn't win a million dollars, but he won a whole bunch of respect, and a ton of fans. Life may not be fair, but I believe good things will come his way. Its always fun to root for an underdog, and Yau-Man was the reason I kept watching this season. Congrats Yau-Man!

librarianintx

Its O-fficial!!

Whoo-hoo!!!

The best show you're not watching is giving you a second chance to watch! NBC has decided to renew "Friday Night Lights"....YEA!!!!!!!!!!

If you go to www.nbc.com, and choose "Friday Night Lights" from the "shows" pull down menu, you can watch episodes from last season. Go! Get caught up now! The new season will be here before you know it. And make plans now to be home at 8 pm Central Time on Friday nights for Season 2 of "Friday Night Lights" (or Tivo or DvR it)

librarianintx

TWO book reviews

My appetite for reading has picked up again, and I am very happy about that. It took me quite awhile to get through the first book, but the second one I read in less than a week! Quite an accomplishment for me these days.

Book #1
In My Brother's Image: Twin Brothers Separated By Faith After the Holocaust
by Eugene L. Pogany

This was a long book, over 350 pages, and the first 75 or so were a bit arduous for me. I had some trouble getting into the story. But after that I really got immersed and had trouble putting it down. I have read a lot of Holocaust literature, from survivors in different countries and even of various faiths. This book was a different spin from others I've read because the main characters did not convert to Catholicism to escape persecution. They converted long before the war began, but were persecuted anyway because they had been born Jews. This book also helped me understand the bitterness that many people have toward the Catholic Church and the role it played during World War II. Although many priests did baptize Jews with the intent of saving them from persecution, some refused to, and the Catholic Church as a whole allowed itself to be railroaded by the Nazi Regime.

I think this book also resonated with me because my maternal grandparents converted to Christianity when I was very young. My grandfather converted when he was dying from cancer soon after I was born, and my grandmother remained a devout Christian until her death five years ago. Her religion was a source of great joy for her and much pain and consternation for the rest of the family. For many reasons I have harbored a disdain for Christianity my whole life, but I am coming to terms with religion now. Clay has been one source for my healing, as I see the love, the good works, and the sense of peace that spirit affords him. Close friends have been another source, as I have had some devout people in my life that are the kindest, generous, and most selfless that I have come to know. And books like this one has been a part of my journey as well. In the case of the author's grandmother, she was born a Jew, but always felt the spirit of Christ in her. When she converted, that is when she felt whole. And she remained a Catholic until the day she died. I have a close friend who converted the opposite way. She was born Christian, but wanted to be Jewish from an early age. She converted when she was in her early twenties. Her family had a hard time at first, but they are very accepting now. My friend is now around thirty years old, married to a Jewish man, raising three Jewish children, and she is way more Jewish than I have ever been. :-)

I heard a quote once that religion is responsible for most of the war in the world, and I do not doubt that at all. I think that is so sad. Having religion in your life can bring such joy and peace. I know it sounds pollyanna, but I wish we could just be happy for the way that anyone finds their path, either with or without religion, and not constantly battle over which religion is the right one. And certainly not persecute each other for being a different religion, or for not being religious at all.

Stay tuned for book #2.

librarianintx

An Update on Ashley X

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/05/08/ashley.ruling/index.html

The jist of this article is that the hospital broke the law in the state of Washington because a court order was not secured before the procedures were implemented. The hospital did admit the error, but also claimed that the family consulted a lawyer beforehand, and they were assured they did not need a court order.

Does this mean that such a case will never happen again in the future? Unfortunately, no. But at least there was wrongdoing alleged and admitted to. It doesn't do a damn thing to change what Ashley went through. But maybe it will make it harder on the next family that wants to do this to their child.

librarianintx

My new favorite song

"Unwritten"
by Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, oh, oh
I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
Oh, yeah, yeah

Its more than just the words of the song, the music is so great too, very uplifting.

Love it.

"...Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten..."

librarianintx

Thoughts for a family member

I don't usually write about extended family members.
My extended family is pretty dysfunctional. I realize now that most are.
But that's not what this post is about.

One of my cousins is running in the Boston Marathon today.
I've been reading about the terrible Nor'easter.
Race officials are concerned about hypothermia with the runners.

The last time I saw my cousin was in January. I guess he has a runner's body, but to me he looked painfully thin. I'm having visions of him soaked to the skin, teeth chattering, determined to finish something that he has worked very hard to achieve.

My thoughts and hopes are with him. I hope he makes it to the finish line, and I hope he's okay.

We may be dysfunctional, but there is love and caring there too.

ETA: He finished! I don't have any other details, but he did it! Congratulations M!!

librarianintx

The Best Show You're Not Watching

Okay, you're right...I plagarized the title from Entertainment Weekly. But really, this is the best show you're not watching...and you should be watching it! Because it is darn awesome!

I was flipping channels the other day (yes, I am a female flipper), and I landed on this show. In fifteen minutes I was completely hooked. I am now addicted. And the season is over. But I am hoping hoping hoping that there will be a season two. I just heard that six more scripts have been ordered. Whoo-hoo! But no decision has been made yet on a full season two.

I am a tv person. I watch a lot of television. And I can admit that some of what I watch is crap. But this show is not crap. It just won a Peabody Award! What is a Peabody Award? Honestly, I'm not sure. But evidently its prestigious.

Okay, the suspense is over. The show is:
http://www.nbc.com/Friday_Night_Lights/

You can watch episodes from the season on the website. Check it out. Its REALLY REALLY good.

I know there are several quality shows out there that are struggling in the ratings. Only a few of them will be saved from cancellation. I hope this is one of them.

ETA: After reading over this entry, I felt I should say more, to explain why I think the show is so good, without giving away the plot. So here goes: First of all, its not just a show about football. And its not just a show about high school. Its an ensemble cast, with excellent writing, great storylines, so much goes on in every episode that it feels almost like a mini movie every week. It tackles many tough issues facing people in this country today. And for someone who has grown up in several places in this great state, I can tell you that the portrayal of small town Texas, and the residents who live therein, is spot on.

If I say too much more, I'll start giving aways plotlines, and I don't want to do that. Follow the link. Try the first episode (hopefully its still available!) I hope you get hooked.

librarianintx