Observations

Yesterday I was at my Mom's-side-of-the-family Hanukkah party. We don't have a Dad's-side-of-the-family Hanukkah party. Even though most of my Dad's relatives live only about three hours away, we rarely see them. I'm sure part of the reason is because my father died many years ago. Then again, my mom is still alive, most of her relatives live in the same city as her, and yet we only gather together in any significant number twice per year, at Hanukkah and Passover. Last year we had to have the Hanukkah party in January because everyone was so busy.

I should re-phrase that next to the last sentence though. My mom's two brothers and their wives and families get together quite often, in various groupings. My aunts and uncles have been on vacations all over the world. My aunts go on spa trips with their daughters. The families travelled to Massachusetts to watch my cousin M. race in the Boston Marathon this year..

My mother, sister, and I are not included. The activities are mentioned in front of us. More than that. They are discussed, planned, dissected, and regaled in front of us. They're usually more than happy to share pictures and stories from their great adventures. But that is the closest we get to inclusion.

Luckily, my sister doesn't have to wait around for invitations that never come. She and her husband of twenty years are hard-working people. They have a nice house with lots of nice things, three beautiful, healthy daughters, and money for travelling. They have been on several trips across the country with their children. Last year just the two of them went to Brazil for their anniversary, and next week they will visit Italy for a week. My brother-in-law's job includes a great deal of travelling. He literally has seen the world: Canada, Singapore, Kuwait, China, Yugoslavia, India, Algeria. Sure, he's been to those places for work, but he has had opportunities to sightsee as well.

My mom is catching up. As a single mother that included raising a daughter with a disability, there wasn't money in the budget for travelling. Now as a senior, semi-retired, there still isn't really money for travelling. But she manages. Cruises are her thing. She has been to Canada, Alaska, the Carribean, Mexico. She also goes to Las Vegas at least twice a year. It still hurts her that her family never includes her. It more than hurts her. It has shaped who she is.

I have not left my home state in nearly twenty years.

Interestingly, that wasn't what I was going to blog about initially.

Back to the party. My middle niece gave me a t-shirt as an early Hanukkah present. Its perfect for me, pink with a picture of a cat on it. The youngest niece approached me as I was admiring the gift and thanking her sister. Of the three girls, the youngest one bears the closest resemblance to me. She looked at me and said sweetly, "I'm sorry, I don't have a present for you." Without needing to think, I replied "You don't have to have a present for me. All you have to do is love me. That's your gift to me!"

The words "have to" weren't spoken to imply force. The written word conveyed without tone and setting can have an altering effect. She understood what I meant. That material possessions aren't important to me. Its her love that means the most to me. She grinned and exclaimed, "I do," her smile made even brighter by her shiny braces with the blue wires. Orthodontia sure has come a long way since I had braces twenty years ago. You can now get colored braces. Of course that costs extra. But when you can afford two international trips, at least three continental trips, dish network, new floors, granite countertops, a new bed, fresh paint, and G-d knows what else all in the span of one year, what's the big deal about a few extra bucks for colored braces? Oh, I think there was a new sports car in there too. But maybe that was last year.

See? I keep digressing. It happens after I've been around my family. Some members of them anyway. My bag gets full. That's colloquial for: I've had enough of the shit.

Unfortunately, my spontaneous ranting has caused the crux of this post to appear completely untruthful. What I came here to explain today is that material possessions DON'T matter. Its the love that matters. And hopefully I can illustrate that point now.

My nieces love me. Yes, I give them small gifts at Hanukkah and their birthdays. But that's it. Okay, and at their Bat Mitzvahs (two down, one to go). But not really other times. They know I don't have money. They have seen my apartment. They know I don't travel. They know I only work part time, and that I'm not married.

But they love me. They love me because I spend time with them. Our time together is not perfunctory the way my relationship is with the majority of my relatives. With everyone else at the party, it was a peck on the cheek (maybe), a "how are you?" and a "how's work going?" That's it. Period.

Not so with my nieces. We play games. We listen to music and look at funny stuff on you-tube. I listen to them. I am interested in what they have to say. I send them cards to say hello. They are .49 cent cards. There are no money or gift certificates in the envelopes. Just a little note to say "hello" and "I'm thinking about you." I know that the middle niece likes cats and the youngest one is a fanatic for the color blue and the oldest one loves being in the marching band. Two of them are teenagers now, and the youngest one is almost there, and every day I think, "The next time I see them they are going to be in that 'rotten teenager phase' where they hate everyone, including me." It hasn't happened yet. Maybe it will. But what I came here today to say is that it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter if one day they come to hate me. I will love them forever. Some people in your life are like that. There are people in everyone's lives that they will love for their entire existence. I have other people that I feel that way about. There is even one person that I have never met. But I believe I will care about him forever.

I actually developed this observation before this weekend. I was thinking about the relationship between my mom and my sister, and that is when I had the epiphany. My sister and my mom are cut from the same cloth. That is why I notice a tenfold rise in tension a majority of the time that they are in the same room together. They can't communicate. I keep thinking they would be much happier if they could.

My sister is very hard on my mom. Its painful for me to watch. As it was painful for me to see my mom be hard on my grandmother. But my mother will love my sister forever. As I'm sure my grandmother loved my mom.

I know that love can die sometimes. It can burn out in a flash or it can fizzle away. But I think in many cases it endures, through hardships and celebrations, through anger and reconciliation, through loneliness and shelter, through agony and comfort.

librarinintx