Sins of family or society?

I had intended to blog about my milestone birthday, but I'll get to that.

I saw an article online the other day about the Ashley X saga. It was an update of sorts, with the family emailing CNN to let them know that their "pillow angel" is doing well, and they consider all that they had done to their daughter to be both a success and hopefully an example to other families who want similar treatments for their children.

The article outlines the controversy without reaching a definitive conclusion on "rightness" or "wrongness." Interestingly, I had not heard before that one of the doctors who authorized the treatment has committed suicide. A friend of the family says it was not because of the Ashley treament.

I bring this up because as you know if you have read my blog before, I have strong opinions on this subject. But I also bring this up because of a meeting I was at yesterday. I am a member of an advisory board that assists a domestic violence organization with issues relating to persons with disabilities. This domestic violence organization does amazing work period, and their work in the field of disabilities is especially exemplary. They assist individuals who are victims of abuse (spouse, caregiver, attendant, family, or institutional) and they also train service providers and other domestic violence organizations staff on how to effectively assist individuals with disabilities who have disabilities.

In the meeting yesterday we were discussing information provided by participants of a series focus groups on both abusive and healthy relationships. The staff person was outlining a list of abuses that people discussed in the groups. The members of our meeting were shocked and upset by much of what we heard, myself included. However, as the staff person continued talking, I realized with surprise that many of these activities were done to me as a child and teenager. I have never thought of myself as a victim or family members as perpetrators, and I still really can't. And I can definitely say that I what I experienced was very mild compared to what other people with disabilities go through. The fact is, it still happened. And while I am so grateful that I am finally coming to terms with my past and learning to move on from it, I wish I had been able to forge ahead years ago. I have spent way too many years lost in fear, anxiety, and worry.

So which parts of the list did I identify with?
1) threats of being put in a mental institution (due to ongoing phobias)
2) denial of disability
3) denial of possible serious illness
4) lack of nutrition
5) refusal to provide or use assitive devices
6) recklessness when using assistive devices
7) teasing about appearance
8) being labeled lazy or stupid in response to fatigue issues

Yes, this was done by family members. And of course I blame them for their actions. But I know they are not evil, hateful people. My family loves me. What I am realizing now is that they did what they did because of ignorance, not because of ill will. Ignorance and fear and frustration. My mother didn't do what she did because she didn't love me. She did it because she was ill-prepared to be a widow at the age of thirty-six, raising two daughters, one of which has a disability. She did it because even though the extended family tried to provide assistance, she was still faced with big economic and social pressures. She didn't know about services that were available to assist me until I was nearly out of high school.