Photos

Even though I don't like the way I look, I am a person who likes to be in pictures, because to me photographs are memories. They are tangible evidence of places I've been and events in my life. When I have time I enjoy looking at my photo albums and the pictures on my computer. Some pictures I like better than others, of course, but they are all meaningful to me.

Yesterday I went to lunch with friends, including a new friend, and we took pictures. I was wearing a new dress, my hair was expertly braided by one of my wonderful friends, and I was wearing make-up. At the time I felt okay about my appearance. But when I saw the pictures, I was so upset. I really hated the way I looked. More so than usual. To me I looked frail and old. My hair looked thinner than usual. The dress looked frumpy, like something a 50's era housewife would wear to go to the grocery store. My face was a mess of lines and wrinkles, with my usual bad teeth as prominent as ever.

When I'm with these friends and we take pictures, we always post at least one on Facebook. It was a very rare occasion that this time I did not want to put any of those pictures on social media. I was that unhappy and embarrassed by how I looked. My friend offered to do a little photoshopping to improve my appearance in the picture, but I'm not a fan of photoshopping to alter a person's appearance. She said that some of my unhappiness with the picture may have been caused by the fact that I was squinting into the sun, which may have contributed to the look of lines and wrinkles on my face. Plus I have to use nighttime ventilation to help me breathe, and the mask causes indentations on my face that often last all day. So in the end she did use photoshop to improve the look of my face, and I gave my permission to have that version of the picture posted on Facebook. A lot of our friends and acquaintances liked the picture. I still dislike it. But its out there on social media, and I can't take it back.

I recently bought three dresses in that same style to the one I wore yesterday. I liked them when I bought them, and part of me still likes them. But I wonder if I should return them. Was yesterday just a particularly bad image day, or am I going to feel that I look that unattractive every time I wear them? I had been so excited to find these dresses because it can be so hard to find clothes that both fit me and look good on me. I thought these dresses fit the bill.

I don't want to reach a point where being in pictures becomes a chore and something I start to avoid. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much I can do to improve my appearance. I can't afford a wig or any procedure that might improve the look of my teeth. Make-up evidently isn't doing enough to cover up the lines, wrinkles, and other problems with my face. Somehow I have to find a way to accept my appearance and not get so upset by the outcome of every picture. I also have to stop comparing my features to others and always finding fault with myself. Easier said than done of course.

librarianintx

An investment

I can't afford it. I mean, I can, technically, but I shouldn't. But I bought it, with help from wonderful people in my life, as an investment in my future. My future as...a blogger...a writer...an editor...a recapper...some or none of the these? Hopefully, at least one. Here is my investment...

She is beautiful!
I have named her Happy.
Of course the color attracted me. But mainly it was the keyboard. I have found most netbook and laptop keyboards difficult to use. So far this one is much easier.
Easier makes me so happy.
I went to a computer store two days ago with absolutely no thought of buying a computer.
And here she is. :)
I am going to do all I can to make the investment pay off.

librarianintx

The best sentence I've ever read

The middle niece, the one who has the worry / OCD gene that runs in my family, is currently experiencing her summer abroad. The girl who a few years ago had panic attacks in her high school classes, had to drop out of band for a time, and was often afraid to take a shower, is now taking Germany, the Czech Republic, Spain, and Austria by storm. Her Facebook page is filled with pictures of her visiting historic places, swinging from trees, standing on skyscraper observation decks, and partying with a bunch of new friends. In answer to a question from her mother, she wrote the best sentence I ever read: "Mom, I'm not afraid of anything anymore..."

I am in awe.
And so so so proud.
You go, girl.

librarianintx

Organization

I know I've mentioned before how much being organized means to me. It makes me happy, it keeps me calm, it affords me at least a measure of peace. This morning I left my apartment for work and then a mini-vacation with no dishes in the sink, dishwasher nearly empty, no clutter in the living or dining room, no laundry hanging in the bathroom, a semi-made bed, and a much-improved (although still not completely organized) bedroom and closet. I was in bed on time last night with suitcase packed and food ready and a list of last-minute items to add in the morning so I wouldn't forget them. It felt so reassuring, knowing that I didn't leave my surroundings in clutter and chaos. This wasn't the case when I went out of town two weeks ago, and I had to face the mess when I returned home, tired from the weekend activities and travel, and facing a busy week on the horizon. That did not feel reassuring. But I persevered. This homecoming will be an improvement I think. Because of organization.

librarianintx

A Good Feeling

Last night I slid into a freshly made bed, clean sheets, only about fifteen minutes past the bedtime I've set for myself. I worked five hours at my regular job, and another four hours at a work-from-home online job. There were no dishes in the sink, the dining room table was cleared, and I had clothes and food ready for this morning. I was calm, organized, feeling accomplished, and living in the moment. Life doesn't get much better than this for me. I felt so good.

I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.

I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.

At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."

I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.

I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.

librarianintx

Bill Cosby

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/6d90b1f473f147ed9f0048f9e9ac2287/apnewsbreak-cosby-said-he-got-drugs-give-women-sex

APNewsBreak: Cosby said he got drugs to give women for sex

 PHILADELPHIA (AP) — Bill Cosby testified in 2005 that he got Quaaludes with the intent of giving them to young women he wanted to have sex with, and he admitted giving the sedative to at least one woman and "other people," according to documents obtained Monday by The Associated Press.

The AP had gone to court to compel the release of the documents; Cosby's lawyers had objected on the grounds that it would embarrass their client.

The 77-year-old comedian was testifying under oath in a lawsuit filed by a former Temple University employee. He testified he gave her three half-pills of Benadryl.

Cosby settled that sexual-abuse lawsuit for undisclosed terms in 2006. His lawyers in the Philadelphia case did not immediately return phone calls Monday.

Cosby has been accused by more than two dozen women of sexual misconduct, including allegations by many that he drugged and raped them in incidents dating back more than four decades. Cosby, 77, has never been criminally charged, and most of the accusations are barred by statutes of limitations.

Cosby resigned in December from the board of trustees at Temple, where he was the popular face of the Philadelphia school in advertisements, fundraising campaigns and commencement speeches.

End of article

Wow. He actually admitted it. And he said this ten years ago, during a sworn deposition. So for at least ten years, some people knew he was guilty. And he knew he was guilty. But he kept acting like anyone who would even dare to think such a thing about him was terrible. Well, he's terrible. He's a rapist. Even if he only raped that one woman, he's still a rapist. But I don't think that was an isolated incident at all. And I feel so badly for all these women that have come forward with allegations, and have been labeled as liars, gold-diggers, fame whores. These women are victims. Victims of Bill Cosby, and victims of how society continues to treat women.

In an extremely small way, I can identify with these women. When I was in college, I was touched inappropriately by a professor. The few encounters were so brief and so vague, plus he was in such a position of authority at the university, that I did not think anyone would believe me, so I never made any allegations. I told a few friends at the time, and I mentioned my concerns to fellow female classmates, who I believed witnessed what happened. My friends urged me to talk to someone in the department, but my classmates all claimed that they didn't witness anything. The incidences made me uncomfortable, but I don't feel that I suffered any lasting effects from the situation. I've always felt vulnerable because of my size and disability, but I can't say that what happened with the professor has contributed to my issues with vulnerability. But maybe.

I grew up watching Bill Cosby. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show, the pudding commercials. He and Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie), Ralph Waite (the Waltons), Robert Reed (the Brady Bunch) and Dick Van Patten (Eight is Enough) were probably my principle television dads. And television dads have always been very important to me, since I lost my father when I was nine. I feel bad for all the people that believed in him, defended him, were close to him.

So many celebrities - sports heroes, entertainment personalities, political figures - that have fallen from grace. So many people that many of us have admired and believed in: Lance Armstrong, Steven Collins, John Edwards, Josh Duggar, the list is much longer. And now add Bill Cosby. From beloved television father, comedian, author, educator, motivational speaker, activist....to alleged serial rapist. It begs the question, "Who can you believe in anymore?"

librarianintx

 

July Blogging Commitment

I planned to promise that I would blog every day in July. It only took me about 30 seconds to realize that was too lofty of a goal. So I am now pledging to blog a minimum of 10 times this month. Set your goals a little lower so you can feel good when you exceed them.

When I was on my way to work one day last week, I saw this quote on the side of a building: "Live a great story."

I am not living a great story. I am living a story of fear, insecurity, and frustration. I am living a life where I constantly compare myself to others, and find me lacking in every way - confidence, ability, financial security, appearance, friendships, achievements.

I want to live a better story. I want a legacy that I can be proud of. I want to leave this earth secure in the belief that I did not waste this life I was afforded.

Success is a relative term. I want to discover my definition of success, and feel like I achieved it.

Librarianintx

Weather phobia

May 2015 was one of the wettest months ever in Texas. The good news is that all the rain ended the drought for most of the state, and replenished some of the lakes. But with the rain came severe weather, including some tornadoes. Overall I feel like I made at least a little progress in learning to manage my weather phobia. I won't say overcome, because I doubt I will ever totally conquer this fear. I still cannot deal with being my myself during a severe storm. But I was able to recognize my phobic tendencies and work on effective strategies to keep them under better control.

I know that my triggers are darkness and wind, plus knowing when a threat exists. Although I still checked the weather obsessively, I'm beginning to understand that forecasts and percentages are simply possibilities of what might happen. I figured out that the bright colors and strong language that meteorologists use to denote severe weather definitely plays into my fear. I have both a phobia and a fascination with bad weather. Even when my area is not under the gun, I find myself sometimes tuning in to the weather channel to watch the coverage of a tornado outbreak happening elsewhere. So I told myself this season that in order to work on controlling the phobia, I have to give up the fascination.

When a storm came up this spring, I learned to recognize my panic symptoms - fight or flight response, racing heart, headache, upset stomach - and I remembered to breathe, and tell myself that I was in a safe place and everything was going to be fine. I rarely feel protected no matter where I am, so I continually reminded myself that I was in a sturdy structure, and I had never been in a situation where the roof blew off or the windows shattered, and that probably would not happen this time either. If my area was under a tornado or severe thunderstorm watch, I tried to keep busy and not obsess about what might happen. Organizing, cleaning, and cooking were the activities I was most successful with, because they didn't take as much concentration as reading or watching a show, and I could move around and expend some of the nervous energy that the phobia generates.

My phobia is by no means eradicated. But I feel like I at least made some baby strides in learning to live with the fear more effectively. Fear of the weather can have a big effect on my emotional and physical well-being. It can affect my social life, and how I feel about myself. Constant worrying and dread can be exhausting, and cause physical pain as well. Always hoping that someone will rescue me from being alone during a storm makes me feel dependent and unstable. I want to be able to save myself during a storm. I want to be my own anchor. I'm not there yet, and maybe I never will be. But I'm still trying.

librarianintx   

Rachel Dolezal article

http://www.cnn.com/2015/06/17/us/washington-rachel-dolezal-naacp/index.html

Ezra Dolezal would love to see his sister, Rachel, take a DNA test to prove whose version of the truth about her racial identity is the right one.

But he doesn't think she will.

Rachel Dolezal has gone from a Spokane, Washington, activist to the focus of a highly charged national debate in recent days, after reports surfaced that she was born white yet has claimed she is black. Amid the controversy, she resigned Monday as head of her local NAACP chapter and, a day later, spoke out extensively for the first time in an interview with NBC.

And she didn't back down when it comes how she sees herself, even after her parents shared childhood photos of a young Rachel Dolezal -- her pale complexion and straight blond hair in contrast to the woman with darker skin and dark curly hair who appeared on NBC. 

For the family, one comment stung especially hard. "I haven't had a DNA test," Dolezal said. "There's been no biological proof that Larry and Ruthanne are my biological parents."

Larry and Ruthanne are the Montana couple who helped drive this story, telling reporters that Rachel is their estranged daughter. Ezra Dolezal is black and adopted, one of four such children taken in by the Dolezals -- unlike Rachel, his older sister by 15 years, he says.

"I guarantee that she is not going to take a DNA test to prove that (Larry and Ruthanne Dolezal) are not her parents," Ezra Dolezal told CNN's "New Day" on Wednesday. "Because they are, and she doesn't want to be caught going back on her story again."

Self-portraits in brown crayon

Over the years, several reports have come out identifying Rachel Dolezal as transracial, multiracial or black. She hasn't corrected them -- in part because, it seems, she feels connected with the African-American experience, a link she claims began as early as age 5, when she drew self-portraits in brown instead of peach crayon and with black, curly hair.

"I identify as black," she told NBC's Matt Lauer.

This self-assessment, though, has bothered some -- including African-Americans who feel that Dolezal advanced as an activist by misrepresenting herself and by claiming personal injustices that weren't legitimate coming from a woman who could decide any day to present herself as white again.

She has had her defenders, too, with some pointing to the good she's done as an activist and saying she shouldn't be faulted for her tight bond with the black community.

'She's too nervous' to admit the truth, brother says

For all the Internet outrage, though, the ones most directly affected by all this are the Dolezals. And they couldn't be further apart.

It has been years since Rachel Dolezal talked with her parents. They've been on opposing sides of one custody battle, which ended with Rachel taking in one of Larry and Ruthanne's four adopted children as her own. And Rachel, who attended historically black Howard University and until very recently had taught classes on African-American culture at Eastern Washington University, has claimed she felt her connection with the black experience was stifled when she was growing up.

"I felt very isolated with my identity virtually my entire life, that nobody really got it and that I really didn't have the personal agency to express it," she told NBC. "I kind of imagined that maybe at some point (I'd have to) own it publicly and discuss this kind of complexity."

Yet her parents have challenged her assertions, including that she identified with African-Americans as a youngster or was held back in any way. They've challenged her integrity and even questioned her mental state.

Ezra Dolezal backed his adopted parents Wednesday, while ripping what he called a web of lies -- a web that, he said, is growing bigger by the day.

"I think ... she's too nervous to just admit that she's not been telling the truth," he said. "(That) is why she keeps on making up more and more lies to help fit the story as it goes."

End of article

My thoughts:

I haven't read or watched that much about Rachel, but I think I've seen enough to have an informed opinion. And for me, this whole situation is actually quite simple. Be who you want to be. If you feel like a black person on the inside, if you identify as a member of the African American community, then by all means wear a weave and bronzer and whatever you choose to do to make your outside match your inside. Apply to a historically black college and spend your life for fighting for equal rights for the community that you feel you belong to. I have absolutely no problem with any of that. More power to you. 

What is not okay with me are all the apparent lies that she has told in her quest to live her life as an African American, civil rights activist / educator / author / etc. She has lied about who her biological parents are. She has said her adopted brother is her son. Which is the saddest part of this story, because obviously her parents have no hang-ups about race - they adopted four black children! Their beef with Rachel - just like mine - is not about the fact that she identifies as black - but in the fact that she has lied about being black. And she has lied about other parts of her life as well. Apparently she is a competent educator and has worked hard on behalf of the African American community, and I don't think her efforts or her accomplishments in the field of civil rights should be negated. As NAACP officials have stated, a person does not have to be black to join their ranks and toil for their cause. All someone needs is a commitment to social justice and helping others, and Rachel definitely has that. How unfortunate that she felt she had to lie in order to live the live she desired.

librarianintx

Passion over fear

"One of the most beautiful things I've witnessed is watching her passion become greater than her fear."

That is a quote from Demi Moore about her daughter, Rumer Willis, during this past season of "Dancing with the Stars." Rumer spoke about how she was teased and bullied as a child for her looks, and how being on "Dancing with the Stars" and learning to dance made her feel beautiful. As much as I enjoyed Riker and Allison this season, I was also a big fan of Rumer and Val, and I'm very pleased that they won. Rumer and Val have amazing chemistry, and it was evident how much being on the show meant to Rumer. Every dance was a work of art, beauty, and grace. Riker had great energy, enthusiasm, and a competitive spirit. But Rumer had a passion for dancing that emanated from her every week like explosives. No one this season was more expressive, more determined, more in love with dancing than Rumer.

When Amber Riley won her season, she said something like, "If something scares me, that makes me want to do it even more." People like Amber and Rumer - women that have their goals in sight, and have the fire, the drive, the passion to get what they want - that is the kind of woman I want to be. I want to know what I want, and not let anything or anyone stop me from achieving it. To do that, though, you have to have self-esteem. You have to have a belief in yourself and your abilities. You can't let fear derail you. Fear of success. Fear of failure. And therein lies my difficulties. I don't have the belief in myself. And I let fear stop me at every opportunity.

I hand my power over to fear on a daily basis.
I won't be a success in life until I find a way to change that mindset.

librarianintx

Five Words to Live Your Life By

The Mind Unleashed on Facebook had an article yesterday that outlined the five words to live your life by. In the opinion of the author of that article, the five words should be:

No
Yes
Believe
Love
Persevere

So I was thinking about what my five words would be. I'm not saying these are words that lead me to a healthy emotional existence necessarily, but they are the five words I would most associate with my life:

1) Harmony
I have a small wall decoration in my room with the Chinese symbol for the word harmony, and I have used Harmony as a screen name occasionally. I am always striving to be in harmony in life. I am happiest when the people around me are in harmony, and I am in harmony with them. I feel upset at the slightest amount of discord. I struggle so much with any kind of conflict. When my surroundings are clean and organized, my mind is quiet, and the people around me have smiles on their faces, that is harmony. For me, harmony is synonymous with peace, tranquility, balance, happiness. 

2) Balance
This refers to several aspects of balance:
a) physical balance - I have fairly poor balance, due to muscular dystrophy, osteoporosis, and the effects of an inner ear disorder. Falling is a constant concern, but luckily is not an issue yet. I have exercises I should be doing, but I rarely do them.
b) emotional balance - Partly due to my personality, possibly partly due to age, my emotions can change on a dime. I can be pretty happy one minute, and in tears the next. Sometimes the fluctuations are even more pronounced.
c) activities balance - Every day it seems I am confronted with the challenge of choosing between what I want to do vs what I need to do, or what other people want me to do. Between my own struggles with motivation and the desire to help/do for others, I often find at the end of the day that I am disappointed with my decisions or feel unfulfilled with how I have spent my time.

3) Accomplishment
See a pattern here? Each word leads to the next word. I am very accomplishment-oriented. Because of fatigue, other health issues, and mundane daily tasks that must get done, I often climb into bed at night feeling sad and frustrated about what I wasn't able to do that day. Sometimes the things on the list are tasks like dishes or paying a bill or something I needed to do at work. Usually they are hobbies I enjoy like blogging, journaling, or reading. But I am working on this area of my life. I am making time for the activities that I enjoy. I want to go to bed at night feeling like I made good use of my time and energy that day. More than anything, I want to be living a purposeful life.

4) Concentration
I have a good day when I am able to concentrate on what I am doing. I fall into old habits of worry and rumination when I'm having trouble concentrating. So a very good day happens when I can focus on reading, journaling, blogging, or other hobbies that I enjoy. Focusing on a television show or listening to music are other helpful activities. I also feel good when I am able to exercise. An example of a bad day is me coming home from work, sitting on my bed or on the couch, and spending the afternoon worrying about future events, recalling past troubles and traumas, and generally becoming mired in negativity. When I can't concentrate on a hobby, performing physical activities like doing dishes and straightening up my room and the bathroom will help me feel productive and keep me from worrying, but it will also leave me with less time and energy for the activities that I enjoy. So the ability to concentrate helps me feel more balanced and I feel more accomplished too.

5) Resiliency
I know I've written much about my struggles with and desire for resiliency. Self-esteem, self-empowerment, belief in oneself and her abilities all contribute to resiliency. In contrast, fear, rumination, lack of concentration, disharmony, etc, all work against resiliency.
The Mind Unleashed also listed the five powerful rituals of mentally strong people:
They use passion and love to fuel their drive to get the hard things done.
They focus their energy solely on what they can control.
They make every action a positive one.
They are relentlessly consistent.
They act as if what they do makes a difference.
I think all of these contribute greatly to resilience, especially the third one: They focus their energy solely on what they can control. So important!!

librarianintx

SYTYCD Premiere

I was pleasantly surprised. Since they changed the format (stage vs street) and added two new permanent judges (Paula Abdul and Jason Derulo) I had not been excited about the show at all. I even considered not watching.

But I'm glad I did. The magic is still there for me. They showcased some very good dancers. There were heartwarming moments. And some laughs. My favorite moment was the kids dancing with Jason.

Paula usually drives me crazy as a judge, but I thought she did well last night. Her comments were coherent and she didn't ramble or stammer. The three judges played off each other well. I got the giggles too when Paula and Jason lost it over "ballhopping." 

I was not a fan of Jason's guest judging appearance last season, but I thought he did pretty well last night. I enjoyed the two times he went on stage, although I was disappointed in his blatant uncomfortableness with the effeminate contestants. I am a fan of his music, however, and happy to have the opportunity to hear "Talk Dirty to Me" and "Want to Want You." 

So it was a premiere as good as any other season of the show, and I look forward to months of tears, triumphs, and incredible dancing. Bring it!

librarianintx

My accomplishments yesterday

1) I stayed calm through a rushed afternoon by drinking water and remembering to breathe.

2) I was social on a week night - went to a symphony / choral concert with friends.

3) I did not sit in the back of the theatre at the concert. 

4) I braved a severe storm late at night by myself with the aid of my i-pod.

I had a good day.
I was resilient.

librarianintx

Adventures in eating out and ethnic food

For several reasons, eating in a restaurant is not usually the pleasurable experience that it is for most people. I was teased by family members when I was growing up for how slowly I eat. I'm not comfortable eating in front of people. I have some trouble chewing and swallowing. I am often in pain in my neck and shoulders when I sit, and I get dizziness/vertigo spells, which can contribute to anxiety. And I'm also neurotic and worry too much about possible food poisoning. So for all these reasons, I usually tolerate eating out more than I enjoy it. I tend to order an appetizer, or I order a regular meal and take part of it home. I also share a meal with someone sometimes.

I also am not an adventurous eater. I grew up eating mainly American, Tex-Mex, or Italian food. I rarely had the opportunity to try ethnic food, and the few times that I did go to an ethnic restaurant as a young adult, I was nervous about trying anything new. I have always been reticent to try new food. My roommate has attempted to break me of my bad habit of saying, "Oh, I don't like that," when in actuality I have never sampled it. He has managed to get me to try a few things, but unfortunately I haven't liked most of the foods I've tried. Beets and brussel sprouts are two examples. *shudder* But at least I tried them.

Lately, however, I have improved significantly in this area of my life. I can't explain the change; it seemed to happen overnight. All of a sudden I want to go to new restaurants, especially ethnic ones. Maybe its a bucket list kind of thing. And wanting to break out of a rut. I'm excited for this change. It feels good to actually WANT to go to a restaurant. And its been so much fun to sample different food and discover things that I like.

I had already had some Indian and Middle Eastern food within the last few years. During the last two weeks, I've been to TWO Ethiopian restaurants, and a new Middle Eastern place. Wait, what? Ethiopian food? Seriously? Me? The girl who doesn't try new things?

Even more exciting than the fact that I actually went to these restaurants, at both Ethiopian establishments I at least tasted everything that we ordered. I didn't refuse anything. I am very sensitive to spicy food, so I wavered a bit at the foods that my roommate said were spicy, but he said just try a small bite. So I did. At one place in particular we were able to sample every vegetarian item on the menu, because we each were able to order one main dish and three sides. At the Ethiopian restaurants, the food is all served on one big platter, so it was easy for us to share. My roommate and the friend we went with to both places are vegetarians, so I didn't try any of the meat dishes. Not yet anyway. So there was the girl who doesn't try new things sampling foods like collard greens, cabbage, and spicy red lentils. The lentils were too spicy for me, and the cabbage was just okay, but I liked the collard greens quite a bit. My favorite dish at one restaurant was a stew made with potatoes, carrots, and peas. And at the other place I really liked the savory pastries stuffed with either lentils or spinach.

At the new Middle Eastern place, I was less adventurous, sticking to foods that I know I like - hummus (which took me awhile to have a taste for), coriander potatoes, and fried cauliflower. But I did try the falafel that my roommate ordered, and I liked it. At least I still tried a new place. And I'm eager to go back there and try new foods.

Yesterday I saw that there is an Indian food restaurant very close to our apartment. I texted my roommate, and told him I wanted to go there. I've looked at the menu, and already decided which dish I want to try first. They have a buffet, so maybe I'll do that so I can sample more foods.

My roommate is proud of me, and I am proud of myself. New food is fun. Going out to eat is finally a positive experience.

I am still a little wary of some ethnic food, like Asian, especially Thai for some reason. I don't know why. But I'm going to work on that.

Life is an adventure. Get out and live it.

librarianintx

Josh Duggar

Yup.

I'm going there.

There's no need to copy and paste an article. He is the big story on the Internet. Of course he is. Fundamentalist Christian, spokesperson for the Family Research Council, oldest son of the Duggar family, who have a hit television show on the TLC network - admitted yesterday that when he was a teenager he "acted inexcusably for which I am extremely sorry and deeply regret."

What did he do?
According to official documents, he molested at least five underage girls. Some of the offenses were felonies. Even worse, there are reports that four of the five girls were his own sisters.

Where do I even begin with this? Well, let's just go right to the top, and talk about the enormous hypocrisy of this family. Overwhelming hypocrisy. Josh was the spokesperson for the Family Research Council, a militant anti-gay organization. His mother, Michelle, made robocalls, warning people that the gay and transgender communities were coming to molest their children. AND HER OWN SON IS A CHILD MOLESTER!!! A child molester preying on his own sisters! (allegedly). She and her husband knew for at least a year what was going on before they took any steps to address the situation. And then what was their solution? At first they claim they sought counseling for Josh through their church. Not great, but better than no counseling at all. Then Michelle admitted that it wasn't counseling; they just sent Josh to live with a family friend for three months to do manual labor. That was his rehabilitation. Then they took Josh to a friend who happens to be a state trooper. Did the trooper alert the authorities? No. He gave Josh "a stern lecture." And that cured him? He's never done it again? There are how many underage girls in his family? And now he has daughters of his own. Are they safe? Did any of his victims receive counseling? Is anyone thinking of the victims in all of this? And oh by the way, the trooper that gave Josh the stern lecture? He's currently serving time for child pornography. C'mon! You couldn't make this shit up if you tried!!

So many people should be held liable for this tragedy. Josh of course, except now the statute of limitations has run out. His parents, who knew what was happening and did nothing to help their son, and more importantly, allowed their daughters and others to be molested. The church officials, who apparently were informed but did not contact the authorities. Josh's wife, Anna, who says she knew about the abuse before she married him, and continues to have children with a now admitted molester. And the state trooper, who had a legal obligation more than anyone involved, but did not make a report. This whole situation would never have come light except for the fact that employees at the Oprah show were told about the allegations, and they were the ones who contacted Children's Protective Services. 

Oh how the mighty have fallen. This seemingly perfect, happy, close knit, G-d praising family. This holier-than-thou bunch with their ultra-strict courtship rituals and potentially psychologically damaging homeschooling practices.

Thank goodness TLC has stepped up quickly and announced that the show has been pulled from the channel's line-up for now. Hopefully it will be cancelled permanently. There goes your source of income, Duggars. What are you going to do now? Politics is hopefully no longer an option for Jim Bob and Josh, although current presidential candidate Mike Huckabee continues to publicly support the family. I guess this also means that Jim Bob and Michelle's hopes to adopt children are now dashed. Would any organization actually consider them worthy candidates for adoption? I certainly hope not. Their daughter Jessa and her husband Ben have also mentioned adoption. Would having a brother who is a child molester keep them from being able to adopt? Would they disclose the information? They come from a famous family, so I doubt they could keep it under wraps. 

There is so much tragedy in all of this. One of the most chilling aspects is the support the Duggars are receiving from the Christian community. The right-wing Christian community I should say. "Boys will be boys," "It happened a long time ago, move on," "G-d forgave him and cured him, that's all that matters," "Its my favorite show; I'm boycotting TLC now," - these are not isolated comments. There is still rampant and vocal support for the Duggars and Josh in this country. These people who don't believe that gay people are human and women should be able to make decisions about their own bodies are falling over themselves to declare their admiration for a child molester and the parents who failed to protect their daughters from the predator in their own house.

The whole thing makes me absolutely sick.

librarianintx

Survivor Finale

I thought this season's theme of "White Collar vs Blue Collar vs No Collar" was interesting, and there was certainly plenty of controversy, but once Joe was voted out, I wasn't rooting for anyone. As long as Rodney didn't make it to the finals or win, I didn't care who did take the title of Sole Survivor. Mike winning was fine. He definitely did enough to deserve the million dollar prize. I would have been okay with Carolyn winning as well. But I liked Joe the best this season.

I did not vote for next season's cast, but I am very happy with three people who were selected: Spencer, Wu, and Joe! I am SO excited that Spencer is getting a second chance. I was so sad when he ended up fourth in his season. I hope he does well this time.

I also think Wu deserves a second chance. He made it to the finale in his season, but he didn't win. I like Wu. I like Spencer more, but I'll be happy to see Wu have a successful run this time around.

And of course I'm excited to see Joe have another opportunity. He is a good player and should have made it further than he did this season.

See you in the fall, Survivor!

librarianintx

Sansa Stark Storyline on Game of Thrones

Let me state right off that I am NOT a Game of Thrones expert. I have watched the show from the beginning, but I have not read any of the books, although some of my friends and family have. So I know about some of the differences between the books and the show. I am interested in the show and I want to understand it better, but I don't plan to read the books because they are so long and very dense, and I am a slow reader.

I just want to briefly state my opinion about the uproar regarding Sansa's recent storyline. If you watch the show, but are not caught up, stop reading now, because this discussion will be a big spoiler for you. Okay, for people who don't watch the show but want some idea about what I'm talking about - Sansa is the eldest daughter of a now-deceased respected lord on this wildly popular fantasy series. Sansa was forced to marry the bastard son of the man who took over her home of Winterfell and was responsible for the death of her mother and eldest brother. The bastard son, Ramsey Bolton, is a truly evil man. Even though Sansa had been briefly married before, she was still a virgin. Long story there. When Sansa married Ramsey, he asked her if she was lying when she confirmed that she was still a virgin. He then ripped her wedding dress down the back, bent her over the bed, and proceeded to rape her.

A lot of people are furious about this storyline. While I can't say I'm thrilled that Sansa was raped, I understand why it happened. Ramsey Bolton is a horrible, horrible person. A friend of mine calls him "a sadistic fuck," and she's exactly right. I don't see why people are so surprised that he took Sansa by force. Did they expect Ramsey to make sweet, sweet love to his new bride? Please. Of course he was going to rape her.

Game of Thrones is not a show for children. It is a mature drama packed with violence, foul language, nudity, and adult situations. I was actually pleased with how the writers handled the scene. The actress who plays Sansa was not naked, and once she was bent over the bed, the camera panned away from her. In some ways that was more powerful. We knew what was happening to her, but we couldn't see her. We only heard her cries and screams.

Some people are upset because this scene was not in the books. From what I've heard though, the character of Ramsey is even worse than his portrayal on the tv show. He doesn't rape Sansa in the books, but he rapes someone else, and it is an even more violent act than what we had to witness on the show. And he does other vile things as well. So while I can understand people not being happy about a rape scene, I think their anger at the show is unjustified. This is not the kind of show where people live happily ever after. It is a dark show with a lot of evil people in it, and many of the characters lead unhappy, tortured lives. Sansa is a character that many people were hoping would find some happiness, but at least so far that has not transpired.

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Winner

Congratulations to Rumer and Val!

It was a bittersweet night for me, as I knew it would be. I'm thrilled for Rumer and Val and disappointed for Riker and Allison. It was a great season, as they all have been. Dancing with the Stars remains one of my favorite shows.

I didn't get to watch all of the finale, but I will. I wish the eliminated contestants had the opportunity to do new dances, especially Willow. But I enjoyed some of the repeat performances, including Rumer and Val's disco-themed samba, and Patti and Artem's "In Da Club" dance. I also liked Jason Derulo's number because I'm super into his song these days.

Thank you Dancing with the Stars! See you in the fall!

librarianintx

Dancing with the Stars Finale Performances

I'm only going to comment on Riker's and Rumer's dances, because in my opinion they are the two contenders for the mirrorball trophy.

I think both couples were very smart with their choices of re-do performances.  The dances were highly successful the first time around, and even more so last night.

Riker's paso is my favorite dance of the season. Wow, what a dance! The energy, the passion, the spectacle. "A super production for a super talent," Bruno had exclaimed the first time around. Last night the dance was even better, which I didn't think was possible. It was even more exciting, the moves sharper and more emphatic. The dance left me breathless; it was thrilling. I almost cried when Len gave him not one, but two standing ovations. We were a witness to history last night. 

Rumer's foxtrot was also even better the second time. I love the connection between Rumer and Val, the mutual admiration they have for each other. And the joy that Rumer communicates when she dances. Many celebrities have experienced life-changing transformations during their time on Dancing with the Stars, and Rumor is one of those contestants. The girl who felt like an ugly duckling growing up has become a beautiful, confident dancer, and a role model in the process. The dance had the grace and flow and sweeping movement across the floor that one looks for in the foxtrot, and Hozier's song was a perfect fit. 

I have to admit, I was a tad disappointed with both freestyles, for different reasons. While Riker's had the big production value that is typical of a freestyle, I didn't feel like the dance was the best fit for him. Riker is a bass player; he's a pop/rock guy. That routine felt a bit too old for him. The content and skill level were high and he certainly danced well, but I wanted more of a rock and roll version of Apollo and Julianne's hip hop freestyle. I wanted something young and fresh and innovative, something a little more high-energy. Mark and Shawn Johnson's freestyle is another good example. Perhaps Allison was trying to appeal to the somewhat older, more mainstream demographic of the Dancing with the Stars audience, and I can definitely see the value in that way of thinking. I was impressed by the dance, but I wasn't jumping up and down about it. I will watch his paso for years to come, but I just was not as interested in his freestyle. 

There is no doubt that Rumer and Val's dance was gorgeous. It was passionate, romantic, traditional, and full of content. But it didn't feel like a freestyle. It felt more like a regular dance. Their disco-inspired samba was more of a freestyle, with plenty of exciting lifts and tricks. Like Allison, I think Val made a smart move strategically. He knows that their chemistry is one of their biggest assets, and both he and Rumer enjoy the traditional ballroom dances. A few years ago Kellie Pickler and Derek won with a simple, beautiful, understated freestyle, so Val knows it can be done. I don't think his decision was a bad one. The dance was just not what I was hoping for in the freestyle round.

Riker and Rumer deserve to win Dancing with the Stars. I have never wanted a tie more than I do this season. I adore both of them. I will be overjoyed for whoever wins and sad for whoever comes in second. They should know that each of them deserves to win, and they have both won my heart. Congratulations to them, and to their worthy partners, Allison and Val, who also have a piece of my heart. 

librarianintx

Life is always changing

"Right now you might not feel the best you've ever felt, you might feel that things will never get better. But don't give up. Tomorrow you might see something wonderful. The thing you're worrying about might be resolved, You might have a good day tomorrow, you may smile. In a few years time the things that are making you feel like this will be forgotten about."

from makethingspositive.com

This is so true and so important to understand. Life is a series of ups and downs. You have to survive the rough spots to enjoy the high points. And in order to do that, you have to realize that the bad patches aren't going to last forever, even though sometimes it feels like they are. You have to persevere. Somehow you have to find the resilience to forge ahead. The people in your life can support you, but ultimately you are the one who has to make your life work. You are the one who has to find the strength and courage within.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the willingness to walk through it."

librarianintx