"It is not necessary to believe in G-d to be a good person. In a way, the traditional notion of G-d is outdated. One can be spiritual but not religious. It is not necessary to go to church and give money - for many, nature can be a church. Some of the best people in history did not believe in G-d, while some of the worst deeds were done in His name."
Difficult for me to believe who uttered these words - Pope Francis. Incredible, right? A pope saying that you don't have to believe in G-d? I am so impressed by him, and not simply because of this quote. I am amazed by his progressiveness, his dedication, his humbleness, his inclusive nature. He believes in climate change, he has expressed support for LGBT rights, he understands the plight of immigrants, he wants everyone to help the homeless, the sick, the needy. He turned down lunch with the Washington elite yesterday so he could not only eat with people who are homeless, he served them as well!
#bestpopeever
librarianintx
Friday, September 25, 2015
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Survivor: Second Chance Week 1
I'm not planning to write Survivor recaps this season because I don't have time, but I am disappointed that Vytas was the first contestant to leave. I like him. Luckily I still have several people to root for - Spencer, Joe, Woo, and Jeremy. Unfortunately, Abi was not eliminated last night, and Kass and Sherin are still there as well.
Three of my four favorites had a good showing last night. Woo nabbed the rice, Spencer lit the torches and tried to win the immunity challenge for his team when Kelly W. failed in her attempt, and Joe DID secure the win by fashioning the pole that was long and strong enough to grab the key to light the final torch.
For me, Abi was definitely the most annoying contestant last night. She needs to go.
librarianintx
Three of my four favorites had a good showing last night. Woo nabbed the rice, Spencer lit the torches and tried to win the immunity challenge for his team when Kelly W. failed in her attempt, and Joe DID secure the win by fashioning the pole that was long and strong enough to grab the key to light the final torch.
For me, Abi was definitely the most annoying contestant last night. She needs to go.
librarianintx
Big Brother Finale
Yea Steve!
I am so happy he won!
Steve's success was a combination of skill and luck. That last HOH competition was SO hard! It was truly a guessing game, and Steve was fortunate that he guessed correctly one more time than Vanessa. I have to wonder about the answers some of the houseguests gave - were they truthful? Did Shelly really consider her HOH win more important than meeting Clay? I'm suspicious.
I firmly believe that if Steve had taken Vanessa to the final two, she would have beaten him. The jury clearly respected her game play and felt she deserved to be in the finals. Their questions showed that they were not big fans of either Liz's or Steve's games. I have a feeling it was Steve's nervous, rambling, but ultimately effective final address to the jury that earned him the win. And deservedly so, in my opinion. Yes, he had a slow start. But in the end he won key HOH's and he was responsible for sending both Julia and Vanessa to the jury. He played a decent social game, and he was in the Scamper Squad alliance, but he didn't have the protection of Austin that Liz had for most of the season. Liz had more than a showmance to keep her safe; she had a showmance AND a twin. And Vanessa also did a lot to protect Liz.
My favorite moment of the night, besides Steve winning, was Jason's spot on read of Vanessa. Go boy! You said it exactly right. Vanessa played the best game of the season, but I couldn't root for her, because she didn't own her game. She begged and apologized and cried and allowed herself to look unstable. She did not act like a poker player. Her strategy was effective, at least for most of the game, but it wasn't attractive, and I don't think it won her many fans. She got so much blood on her hands, and in the end she would up with nothing. I feel bad for her in a way, but definitely not in a monetary sense, since she bragged that she's made $4 million dollars as a poker player. There were so many people in the game this season that need the money more than her.
I had my fingers and toes crossed that Jason would win fan favorite. He made the top three, but James took home the $25,000 prize. I'm okay with that. I like James a lot too.
Even though this wasn't the best season in my opinion, I'm still feeling the post Big Brother blues. The show is such a time commitment, and I can get so invested in the people and so interested in the game play, that there is a letdown when we say goodbye to the house and its inhabitants. But the fall tv season has begun; there is no time to mourn a show!
Congrats again Steve!
librarianintx
I am so happy he won!
Steve's success was a combination of skill and luck. That last HOH competition was SO hard! It was truly a guessing game, and Steve was fortunate that he guessed correctly one more time than Vanessa. I have to wonder about the answers some of the houseguests gave - were they truthful? Did Shelly really consider her HOH win more important than meeting Clay? I'm suspicious.
I firmly believe that if Steve had taken Vanessa to the final two, she would have beaten him. The jury clearly respected her game play and felt she deserved to be in the finals. Their questions showed that they were not big fans of either Liz's or Steve's games. I have a feeling it was Steve's nervous, rambling, but ultimately effective final address to the jury that earned him the win. And deservedly so, in my opinion. Yes, he had a slow start. But in the end he won key HOH's and he was responsible for sending both Julia and Vanessa to the jury. He played a decent social game, and he was in the Scamper Squad alliance, but he didn't have the protection of Austin that Liz had for most of the season. Liz had more than a showmance to keep her safe; she had a showmance AND a twin. And Vanessa also did a lot to protect Liz.
My favorite moment of the night, besides Steve winning, was Jason's spot on read of Vanessa. Go boy! You said it exactly right. Vanessa played the best game of the season, but I couldn't root for her, because she didn't own her game. She begged and apologized and cried and allowed herself to look unstable. She did not act like a poker player. Her strategy was effective, at least for most of the game, but it wasn't attractive, and I don't think it won her many fans. She got so much blood on her hands, and in the end she would up with nothing. I feel bad for her in a way, but definitely not in a monetary sense, since she bragged that she's made $4 million dollars as a poker player. There were so many people in the game this season that need the money more than her.
I had my fingers and toes crossed that Jason would win fan favorite. He made the top three, but James took home the $25,000 prize. I'm okay with that. I like James a lot too.
Even though this wasn't the best season in my opinion, I'm still feeling the post Big Brother blues. The show is such a time commitment, and I can get so invested in the people and so interested in the game play, that there is a letdown when we say goodbye to the house and its inhabitants. But the fall tv season has begun; there is no time to mourn a show!
Congrats again Steve!
librarianintx
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Dancing with the Stars Recap Week 2
Last night was dubbed "Hometown Glory" nite, and was the first of two nights of competition this week for the celebrities and their professional dance partners. Two routines in one week, on only the second week of the season, is a lot to ask of these stars. Luckily, a few of them were able to manage the stress and shine on the dance floor.
The first great performance of the evening was owned by Alexa and Mark. They danced a salsa, and Alexa was definitely channeling her latina roots. The number was hot and sexy, with some amazing spins and spicy moves. Alexa earned a total score of 24, which put her in a three way tie for the night.
Tamar and Val also earned a 24 for their cha cha, performed to the song "We are Family" by Sister Sledge. Everything about the number worked for me, from Tamar's attitude and on point cha cha moves, to the costume and Val's choreography. Because of the name of the song, I didn't even mind the extra dancers in the routine (just this one time though!) The judges were equally impressed, saying that the number was a show stopper, and Tamar was absolutely in her element.
Carlos and Whitney were the third couple to score a 24 last night. They danced a foxtrot, and I give Carlos high marks for his partnering skills and the romantic, leading man persona he exemplified in the dance.
Bindi and Derek were once again the high scorers of the evening, receiving a 25 for their high energy, metal-infused tango to an AC/DC song. Unfortunately the Dancing with the Stars crew had a difficult time keeping up with their routine, as there were a few odd camera pans, but the crowd went wild and the judges, especially Carrie Ann, were full of praise.
The most improved award would have to go to Kim and Tony. Her quickstep last night was miles better than her labored salsa from week one. She earned a score of 19, and a lot of positive comments from the judges.
I even saw a bit of improvement from Gary and Anna last night. Their foxtrot could not be called good, but you can tell that he was trying. His scores rose from last week; he earned an 18 on Monday night.
Alek and Lindsey, and Hayes and Emma were two couples who earned more praise from the judges than I felt they deserved. Alek and Lindsey were definitely the better of the two, and I still like him. I just felt the routine had too many lifts and focused too much on Lindsey, which of course is not Alek's fault. I did not care for Hayes' motorcross theme, and I felt their foxtrot was just okay.
The two couples who took a step backward this week were Nick and Sharna, and Andy and Allison. Nick slipped during his jive to "Boogie Woogie Buggle Boy," a song that I felt was way too old for him, and the stumble caused him to lose time during the remainder of his routine. Andy and Allison were also off time in their jive, and some of the tricks were barely completed and made me nervous that someone was going to get hurt.
This leaves the three couples that I felt showed little to no improvement this week: Paula and Louis, Victor and Karina, and Chaka and Keo. Louis' choreography was too difficult for Paula, and although their scores were higher than last week, I still did not enjoy the dance. Victor and Karina have apparently decided to be the comic relief of the ballroom. Their jive was a hot mess, as was their salsa from week one, but at least both dances were entertaining. And poor Chaka and Keo. She somehow managed to smile and glow throughout her foxtrot, but it was evident that she did not remember the choreography. They earned a 15, the lowest score of the night.
In a rushed elimination ceremony, Gary and Anna, and Chaka and Keo were named as the bottom two couples, when combining judges scores and viewer votes. Sadly, Chaka and Keo were the first pair eliminated this season. Keo's unlucky streak continues. I would have rather seen Gary and Anna wave goodbye, but Chaka's departure was certainly not unexpected.
Night two happens tonight, and another contestant will be eliminated from the competition. Hopefully I will have time to post a recap tomorrow.
librarianintx
The first great performance of the evening was owned by Alexa and Mark. They danced a salsa, and Alexa was definitely channeling her latina roots. The number was hot and sexy, with some amazing spins and spicy moves. Alexa earned a total score of 24, which put her in a three way tie for the night.
Tamar and Val also earned a 24 for their cha cha, performed to the song "We are Family" by Sister Sledge. Everything about the number worked for me, from Tamar's attitude and on point cha cha moves, to the costume and Val's choreography. Because of the name of the song, I didn't even mind the extra dancers in the routine (just this one time though!) The judges were equally impressed, saying that the number was a show stopper, and Tamar was absolutely in her element.
Carlos and Whitney were the third couple to score a 24 last night. They danced a foxtrot, and I give Carlos high marks for his partnering skills and the romantic, leading man persona he exemplified in the dance.
Bindi and Derek were once again the high scorers of the evening, receiving a 25 for their high energy, metal-infused tango to an AC/DC song. Unfortunately the Dancing with the Stars crew had a difficult time keeping up with their routine, as there were a few odd camera pans, but the crowd went wild and the judges, especially Carrie Ann, were full of praise.
The most improved award would have to go to Kim and Tony. Her quickstep last night was miles better than her labored salsa from week one. She earned a score of 19, and a lot of positive comments from the judges.
I even saw a bit of improvement from Gary and Anna last night. Their foxtrot could not be called good, but you can tell that he was trying. His scores rose from last week; he earned an 18 on Monday night.
Alek and Lindsey, and Hayes and Emma were two couples who earned more praise from the judges than I felt they deserved. Alek and Lindsey were definitely the better of the two, and I still like him. I just felt the routine had too many lifts and focused too much on Lindsey, which of course is not Alek's fault. I did not care for Hayes' motorcross theme, and I felt their foxtrot was just okay.
The two couples who took a step backward this week were Nick and Sharna, and Andy and Allison. Nick slipped during his jive to "Boogie Woogie Buggle Boy," a song that I felt was way too old for him, and the stumble caused him to lose time during the remainder of his routine. Andy and Allison were also off time in their jive, and some of the tricks were barely completed and made me nervous that someone was going to get hurt.
This leaves the three couples that I felt showed little to no improvement this week: Paula and Louis, Victor and Karina, and Chaka and Keo. Louis' choreography was too difficult for Paula, and although their scores were higher than last week, I still did not enjoy the dance. Victor and Karina have apparently decided to be the comic relief of the ballroom. Their jive was a hot mess, as was their salsa from week one, but at least both dances were entertaining. And poor Chaka and Keo. She somehow managed to smile and glow throughout her foxtrot, but it was evident that she did not remember the choreography. They earned a 15, the lowest score of the night.
In a rushed elimination ceremony, Gary and Anna, and Chaka and Keo were named as the bottom two couples, when combining judges scores and viewer votes. Sadly, Chaka and Keo were the first pair eliminated this season. Keo's unlucky streak continues. I would have rather seen Gary and Anna wave goodbye, but Chaka's departure was certainly not unexpected.
Night two happens tonight, and another contestant will be eliminated from the competition. Hopefully I will have time to post a recap tomorrow.
librarianintx
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Big Brother - SPOILERS
Remember how I said there was no way that Vanessa and Steve would be the final two?
To quote former Texas governor Rick Perry - "Oops." :-)
Austin can only blame himself for his ouster on the surprise elimination Tuesday night. He knew Vanessa was dangerous. He knew she lied over and over again. Yet he continued to align with her. He didn't get her out when he had the chance. And now he's languishing in the jury house, thinking of what could have been.
I am rooting for Steve. I have not enjoyed Vanessa's game play - all of the theatrics and making up stories about people to get them kicked out. She has been effective, but her style is not fun to watch in my opinion. Steve has made some boneheaded moves, but he has finally kicked his game into high gear. Okay, at least one of his HOH wins was dumb luck. But I think he has achieved enough to deserve the win. Unfortunately, I don't think the jury agrees with me.
And who do I hope will win the fan favorite award? I'm not voting, but I hope Jason wins. Meg might take it, though. Or Steve. Possibly even Johnny. James was a lot of fun to watch this season as well. Will be interesting to see who people vote for.
librarianintx
To quote former Texas governor Rick Perry - "Oops." :-)
Austin can only blame himself for his ouster on the surprise elimination Tuesday night. He knew Vanessa was dangerous. He knew she lied over and over again. Yet he continued to align with her. He didn't get her out when he had the chance. And now he's languishing in the jury house, thinking of what could have been.
I am rooting for Steve. I have not enjoyed Vanessa's game play - all of the theatrics and making up stories about people to get them kicked out. She has been effective, but her style is not fun to watch in my opinion. Steve has made some boneheaded moves, but he has finally kicked his game into high gear. Okay, at least one of his HOH wins was dumb luck. But I think he has achieved enough to deserve the win. Unfortunately, I don't think the jury agrees with me.
And who do I hope will win the fan favorite award? I'm not voting, but I hope Jason wins. Meg might take it, though. Or Steve. Possibly even Johnny. James was a lot of fun to watch this season as well. Will be interesting to see who people vote for.
librarianintx
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
My Dancing with the Stars recap, Week 1
First let me begin with two corrections from my previous DWTS post. I do know who Andy Grammer is; at least I know his hit song. And now I also know who Alek Skarlatos is, one of the men who subdued a terrorist on a train in France recently.
And now, on with the recap. Rather than talking about each contestant, I will be giving my opinion on the best and worst moments of the show:
Winning dance style of the night: The Jive
Three contestants danced the Jive: husband and wife Carlos and Alexa Penavega, and Bindi Irwin, and all three were very successful. Their jives were performed with great technique, and bucketfuls of energy, enthusiasm, and personality. Of the three, Bindi got the most love from the audience, and the judges. Her overall score of 24 tied for highest of the night, and the crowd went wild for her.
Runner up dance style of the night: The Foxtrot
Of the three contestants who danced the Foxtrot, Internet sensation Hayes Grier, singer Andy Grammer, and hero Alek Skarlatos, I would say Alek took the prize. The judges were more impressed with Hayes than I was, Andy's dance was decent, especially thanks to his partner Allison, but we all found Alek's dance to be enchanting, with the music and Lindsey's choreography blending together beautifully.
Losing dance style of the night: The Salsa
Unfortunately in most cases, the cha cha didn't fare much better, but both of the contestants who danced the Salsa, Victor Espinoza and Kim Zolziak-Biermann, had a rough time. Kim received the lowest scores of the night, which was unfortunate, because I think she has it in her to be a good dancer, but she was incredibly nervous. I have to say, I'm quite surprised that Dancing with the Stars foisted both the Salsa and the Quickstep on the contestants in the first week! Those are both incredibly hard styles to master.
Surprisingly good performance of the night:
This is not to say that I thought Tamar Braxton would be a bad dancer. I'm saying her performance was a surprise because she was given the dreaded Quickstep, and she and Val made it work! They weren't perfect of course, but they had the elements you look for in a Quickstep: speed, footwork, good use of the dance space, and I thought she had a decent frame for a first dance. She tied with Carlos Penavega for second highest set of scores of the night: 23.
My cringeworthy moments of the evening:
1) Paula Deen's slow, nervous Quickstep wasn't good, but her comment about almost soiling her underwear was crude and TMI.
2) Apparently many people were amused by Gary Busey's antics and incomprehensible ramblings, but I found both his dance and his post-performance interactions with Tom and Erin to be painful and uncomfortable. I have to say, though, that I just love both Tom and Erin; they can make the strangest happenings in the ballroom bearable with humor and a caring spirit.
Sweethearts of the ballroom: Bindi Irwin and Alek Skarlatos
Of the two contestants that I haven't mentioned yet, singer Chaka Khan and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, Nick was much more successful with the Cha Cha. His dance was infused with some hip hop and boy band moves, and I was entertained. I also enjoyed watching all three judges fangirling over Nick. Nick tied with Bindi Irwin for highest scores of the night. Chaka's dance, conversely, was a hot mess, but at least she seemed to have a good time. Unfortunately, I don't think third season will be the charm for Keo.
Two more observations:
1) The opening number was a showstopper, featuring thousands of extras during the outdoor filming, and lots of glitz and fanfare. Too bad most of the dances didn't live up to the hype of the show's beginning.
2) I found it very strange that Len's absence was given so little time and attention. Tom simply said, "Len won't be judging this season," and that was it. Twenty one seasons, Len as head judge for every season, and that is all the recognition he receives? I hope this means he's not retiring, that he is only taking a season off. If he is retiring, he deserves way more of a goodbye than that.
Overall, the dancing was pretty good, but I think my expectations were a bit too high. I'm hoping to see some improvements in week 2. Oh, and my pet peeve from the previous season continued last night: I do NOT want extra dancers in these individual performances! Extra dancers should be reserved for the trio dances and the freestyles. You're jumping the shark, DWTS - quit it!
librarianintx
Monday, September 14, 2015
Dancing with the Stars Season 21
The new season starts tonight, and I am so excited! Here is a quick breakdown of how I am looking forward to seeing, who I don't know, and who I wish had not been selected:
This season there are several contestants that I've never heard of. Here is a list, with their professional partners:
Hayes Grier and Emma
Andy Grammer and Allison
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsey
Carlos Pena and Whitney
Alexa Vega and Mark
I guess it's a sign that I'm getting old that I don't know so many of the contestants this season.
Who am I most excited to see?
Bindi Irwin and Derek
I think they will look great together. Bindi has a great personality and a backstory that will make people root for her. She is young, which is not always an asset on DWTS, but Zendaya was young, and she made it to runner up in her season. Shawn Johnson won her season when she was still a teenager. Bindi has some dance experience, so we'll see if that will translate well to ballroom.
Chaka Khan and Keo
Another couple that I think will look great together. Keo has had bad luck with partners, so hopefully third season is the charm for him. Chaka is a singer, so with any luck she will have rhythm.
Nick Carter and Shauna
I love me a Backstreet Boy. They should be fun together.
Victor Espinoza and Karina
Victor is a jockey, so he is tiny! I wondered which professional dancer they would pair him with, and I expected it to be Whitney, who I think is the shortest female dancer on DWTS. Karina is not petite, especially in heels. Their pairing should be interesting, not only because of the height difference, but also because of the accents.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony
I can't wait to see the outfits and wigs/hair extensions!
Tamar Braxton and Val
I don't know that much about her, but I think there could be fireworks between her and Val.
Sigh. And here is the short list of people I am not thrilled to see:
Gary Busey and Anna
This pairing just makes me nervous. I think he could be unpredictable and hard to manage. I also don't think he'll be a good dancer. But maybe he'll prove me wrong.
Paula Deen and Louis
I think she is a racist and I don't want to watch any show that she is a part of. But I am not going to boycott one of my favorite shows because of her. I am disappointed that DWTS selected her. But hopefully she won't last long.
Finally, I had heard a rumor that Bethany Hamilton might be on the show, but unfortunately such is not the case. She is the surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack a few years ago. I watched the "Amazing Race" two seasons ago strictly because she and her husband Adam were contestants. They came in third, but Bethany was a fierce competitor, completing challenges with ease that many contestants with two arms struggled with. I also loved how positive she and Adam were. They never fought with each other or played dirty, and they approached every situation with a calm, sunny, yet determined attitude. I would love to see her try dancing. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. Maybe she will be selected for another season.
I'm ready for Season 21 - bring it! :)
librarianintx
This season there are several contestants that I've never heard of. Here is a list, with their professional partners:
Hayes Grier and Emma
Andy Grammer and Allison
Alek Skarlatos and Lindsey
Carlos Pena and Whitney
Alexa Vega and Mark
I guess it's a sign that I'm getting old that I don't know so many of the contestants this season.
Who am I most excited to see?
Bindi Irwin and Derek
I think they will look great together. Bindi has a great personality and a backstory that will make people root for her. She is young, which is not always an asset on DWTS, but Zendaya was young, and she made it to runner up in her season. Shawn Johnson won her season when she was still a teenager. Bindi has some dance experience, so we'll see if that will translate well to ballroom.
Chaka Khan and Keo
Another couple that I think will look great together. Keo has had bad luck with partners, so hopefully third season is the charm for him. Chaka is a singer, so with any luck she will have rhythm.
Nick Carter and Shauna
I love me a Backstreet Boy. They should be fun together.
Victor Espinoza and Karina
Victor is a jockey, so he is tiny! I wondered which professional dancer they would pair him with, and I expected it to be Whitney, who I think is the shortest female dancer on DWTS. Karina is not petite, especially in heels. Their pairing should be interesting, not only because of the height difference, but also because of the accents.
Kim Zolciak-Biermann and Tony
I can't wait to see the outfits and wigs/hair extensions!
Tamar Braxton and Val
I don't know that much about her, but I think there could be fireworks between her and Val.
Sigh. And here is the short list of people I am not thrilled to see:
Gary Busey and Anna
This pairing just makes me nervous. I think he could be unpredictable and hard to manage. I also don't think he'll be a good dancer. But maybe he'll prove me wrong.
Paula Deen and Louis
I think she is a racist and I don't want to watch any show that she is a part of. But I am not going to boycott one of my favorite shows because of her. I am disappointed that DWTS selected her. But hopefully she won't last long.
Finally, I had heard a rumor that Bethany Hamilton might be on the show, but unfortunately such is not the case. She is the surfer who lost her arm in a shark attack a few years ago. I watched the "Amazing Race" two seasons ago strictly because she and her husband Adam were contestants. They came in third, but Bethany was a fierce competitor, completing challenges with ease that many contestants with two arms struggled with. I also loved how positive she and Adam were. They never fought with each other or played dirty, and they approached every situation with a calm, sunny, yet determined attitude. I would love to see her try dancing. She is a beautiful person, inside and out. Maybe she will be selected for another season.
I'm ready for Season 21 - bring it! :)
librarianintx
Thursday, September 10, 2015
Big Brother - SPOILERS
Probably about two weeks or so left in the season, and the show finally got interesting! At last, someone besides Vanessa is playing the game to win it. Steve, I was so mad at you when you won HOH and put up Meg and Jackie, one of the most boneheaded moves in the game. They were both in your alliance, and neither one of them had any power in the house. What were you thinking? But you have redeemed yourself this week by doing what no one in the house has yet managed to do - break up the Austwins. No, they are not as powerful as Vanessa, mainly because between the three of them they don't have either the intellectual capacity or the game play that she has. But where their strength lies is in their numbers - three votes as opposed to one. After tonight, they will be down to two. There is no way around it. Thanks in part to Vanessa, who gave Julia terrible advice and she was stupid enough to take it, Austin won POV and took himself off the block, so Steve smartly replaced him with Julia. I guess it didn't matter though. Either way, someone from that three person alliance is going home this week. It would help Steve and Johnny's game for Liz to go home I think, since she and Austin are in a showmance.
The problem remains, however, that Vanessa is still in the game. Steve would be in a much better position if someone had managed to eliminate her by now. Vanessa is the most dangerous person in the house, and she deserves to win it if she makes it to the finale. At this point I think Austin or Julia are the only two people who would nominate her. Steve and Johnny both think they are working with her. If by some miracle Steve and Vanessa are the final two, which I could not imagine that possibility a few weeks ago, I don't know if the jurors will feel that Steve did enough to win. Would they reward Vanessa for her game play, or punish her for all the havoc she wreaked during the season?
librarianintx
The problem remains, however, that Vanessa is still in the game. Steve would be in a much better position if someone had managed to eliminate her by now. Vanessa is the most dangerous person in the house, and she deserves to win it if she makes it to the finale. At this point I think Austin or Julia are the only two people who would nominate her. Steve and Johnny both think they are working with her. If by some miracle Steve and Vanessa are the final two, which I could not imagine that possibility a few weeks ago, I don't know if the jurors will feel that Steve did enough to win. Would they reward Vanessa for her game play, or punish her for all the havoc she wreaked during the season?
librarianintx
So You Think You Can Dance
Yawn.
I feel bad to write this, but I'm glad the season is almost over. I simply was not into the show this year, for multiple reasons. I miss Mary. I lamented the dearth of ballroom routines. I did not care for the "stage vs street" format. And most importantly, I found the choreography severely lacking this season. The dancers were good, and most of their personalities compelled you to root for them. But the routines were lackluster. There was not a single dance that made me want to watch it again. And usually I am all about downloading the routines from youtube and watching them over and over. Not this time.
I wasn't so bored that I stopped watching. But I didn't have a favorite this year. I favored the street dancers over stage. Once the two b boys left, I liked everyone else on the street side and hated for anyone to go home. I didn't dislike the stage dancers; I just felt the street dancers were more interesting and versatile. My favorite stage dancer is Jim, and I felt he was completely and utterly robbed of his place in the finale. My favorite street dancers are JaJa, Virgil, and JJ. Even though I don't have a favorite, I would like to see JaJa win the competition.
I like Jason Derulo a lot as a singer and dancer, but not so much as a judge on this show. I think he was trying too hard all season to prove he was knowledgeable about all kinds of dance. I would much rather see Adam Shankman as a permanent judge, or have more good guest judges like Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Christina Applegate. To end this on a positive note, at least Paula didn't annoy me like I expected she would.
librarianintx
I feel bad to write this, but I'm glad the season is almost over. I simply was not into the show this year, for multiple reasons. I miss Mary. I lamented the dearth of ballroom routines. I did not care for the "stage vs street" format. And most importantly, I found the choreography severely lacking this season. The dancers were good, and most of their personalities compelled you to root for them. But the routines were lackluster. There was not a single dance that made me want to watch it again. And usually I am all about downloading the routines from youtube and watching them over and over. Not this time.
I wasn't so bored that I stopped watching. But I didn't have a favorite this year. I favored the street dancers over stage. Once the two b boys left, I liked everyone else on the street side and hated for anyone to go home. I didn't dislike the stage dancers; I just felt the street dancers were more interesting and versatile. My favorite stage dancer is Jim, and I felt he was completely and utterly robbed of his place in the finale. My favorite street dancers are JaJa, Virgil, and JJ. Even though I don't have a favorite, I would like to see JaJa win the competition.
I like Jason Derulo a lot as a singer and dancer, but not so much as a judge on this show. I think he was trying too hard all season to prove he was knowledgeable about all kinds of dance. I would much rather see Adam Shankman as a permanent judge, or have more good guest judges like Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Christina Applegate. To end this on a positive note, at least Paula didn't annoy me like I expected she would.
librarianintx
Sunday, August 30, 2015
Sugar
All the articles these days are screaming about how bad sugar is for you. Don't consume it, avoid it, rid it from your body.
I don't want to give up sugar, especially chocolate. I enjoy it. I look forward to my afternoon snack of cookies or brownies. I'm excited when co-workers occasionally bring in donuts, cookies, or cake to share. Sometimes I pause and wonder if I should be eating sugar so early in the day. I realize that the treat will probably make me hyper and then I'll crash later. But I eat the donut, cookie, or cake anyway. Sometimes as early as 8 am.
I don't feel like I'm addicted to sugar. I occasionally go for a day without some form of chocolate. Sometimes I don't have time for a snack. I don't believe I have withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. I just enjoy chocolate. I would miss it if I gave it up. I have no desire to do that. But I want to be healthy.
I have a very close friend who is the healthiest person I know. He is a vegan. He does not smoke or drink. And he does not eat any kind of sugar. No refined sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, nothing. And no aspartame of course. I respect him, I am in awe of his self-control. But I don't want to limit myself that way, even though part of me does want to because I want to be healthy as I can.
Is sugar actually that bad for you? we've been consuming sugar for centuries. Why is there is much negativity about it lately?
Maybe at some point I'll try to eliminate sugar from my diet. If I ever become diabetic, I would have to make dietary changes. My mom is now pre-diabetic, and she has made many changes to her diet, although she has not given up sugar completely. She has cut down on sugar, and is severely limiting her carb intake.
But for now, I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can. I know I need to eat less bread and carbs, and more vegetables and fruit. And I need to get more exercise.
Having said all this, I really want an oreo. :) I've had two today, but I want another one.
I feel like I have good self-control, but not when it comes to chocolate.
librarianintx
I don't want to give up sugar, especially chocolate. I enjoy it. I look forward to my afternoon snack of cookies or brownies. I'm excited when co-workers occasionally bring in donuts, cookies, or cake to share. Sometimes I pause and wonder if I should be eating sugar so early in the day. I realize that the treat will probably make me hyper and then I'll crash later. But I eat the donut, cookie, or cake anyway. Sometimes as early as 8 am.
I don't feel like I'm addicted to sugar. I occasionally go for a day without some form of chocolate. Sometimes I don't have time for a snack. I don't believe I have withdrawal symptoms or anything like that. I just enjoy chocolate. I would miss it if I gave it up. I have no desire to do that. But I want to be healthy.
I have a very close friend who is the healthiest person I know. He is a vegan. He does not smoke or drink. And he does not eat any kind of sugar. No refined sugar, brown sugar, honey, molasses, nothing. And no aspartame of course. I respect him, I am in awe of his self-control. But I don't want to limit myself that way, even though part of me does want to because I want to be healthy as I can.
Is sugar actually that bad for you? we've been consuming sugar for centuries. Why is there is much negativity about it lately?
Maybe at some point I'll try to eliminate sugar from my diet. If I ever become diabetic, I would have to make dietary changes. My mom is now pre-diabetic, and she has made many changes to her diet, although she has not given up sugar completely. She has cut down on sugar, and is severely limiting her carb intake.
But for now, I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can. I know I need to eat less bread and carbs, and more vegetables and fruit. And I need to get more exercise.
Having said all this, I really want an oreo. :) I've had two today, but I want another one.
I feel like I have good self-control, but not when it comes to chocolate.
librarianintx
Dreams
I've been having a lot of bad dreams lately. I've been blessed with remarkably good sleep for a number of years, even with my need for nighttime ventilation ( a bipap machine), so my sleep struggles have obviously been difficult to deal with. I usually fall asleep quickly, but I've been waking up at various times in the night and having trouble getting back to sleep. Sometimes this is due to stomach aches and indigestion most likely caused by the bipap. Other times I'm waking up because the bipap mask is leaking air, or is causing discomfort because I have it on too tight. And then sometimes I'm waking up from bad dreams.
I don't need a therapist to tell me why I'm suffering from bad dreams. The dreams vary from simply wacky to downright scary, but they all have a common theme: a complete lack of control.
I don't always remember the dreams the next day, but some of them are so unnerving that they stay with me for much of the next day. But I don't usually remember them for more than a day, luckily. Still, the feeling of not having control in my life is something that is not just occurring in my dreams.
Last night the dream was just more odd than scary. Some woman I didn't know was eating my food. I don't know where I was, or where the food came from. I just know it was my food, and the woman was eating it. And I kept yelling at her and begging her not to eat my food, and she just kept calmly eating it. And the more she ate, the more frustrated and upset I became. But I couldn't do anything to stop her. She completely ignored me.
So I followed her to her house, after she finished eating my food. And I kept asking her why she did it, but she never answered me. When we got to her house, she cooked a big batch of something with shrimp in it; some kind of shrimp stir fry. And it smelled delicious. She offered me some, but I didn't eat it, because I was still mad at her. And then I woke up.
Yesterday was a nice day. I went to a friend's birthday gathering, and then another friend came over for the evening. I don't have many opportunities to be social these days, so I was happy to spend time with people. Still, I always feel a certain lack of control in these situations. Because I don't drive, I couldn't decide what time I went to the party, and what time I came home. When you're at a party, you do what the majority wants to do, or what the party organizer wants to do. When the birthday boy wanted to watch some music videos by a very strange band, there isn't much you can do but sit there and watch. I mean, you can leave, except if you're me, you can't leave because the person you came with wasn't ready to leave. And later, back at home, you watch a show that you've never seen before and honestly don't care about, because that's what your friend wants to watch, and you know that she wouldn't be interested in what you would want to watch.
I am a people pleaser, and I do what other people want to do, because I want them to be happy, and because I can't handle conflict. My needs, interests, and desires almost always take a backseat to what the people around me want. Obviously there is give and take in every relationship, and compromise is important. I'm not saying I should get my way every time. But I do think I should stand up for myself more, and say what I want and what I need. Most of the time it doesn't bother me to put myself second. I like making people happy, and keeping the peace. But I'm beginning to think that my people pleasing personality and not taking enough time for the hobbies and pursuits that I enjoy are affecting my dreams.
librarianintx
I don't need a therapist to tell me why I'm suffering from bad dreams. The dreams vary from simply wacky to downright scary, but they all have a common theme: a complete lack of control.
I don't always remember the dreams the next day, but some of them are so unnerving that they stay with me for much of the next day. But I don't usually remember them for more than a day, luckily. Still, the feeling of not having control in my life is something that is not just occurring in my dreams.
Last night the dream was just more odd than scary. Some woman I didn't know was eating my food. I don't know where I was, or where the food came from. I just know it was my food, and the woman was eating it. And I kept yelling at her and begging her not to eat my food, and she just kept calmly eating it. And the more she ate, the more frustrated and upset I became. But I couldn't do anything to stop her. She completely ignored me.
So I followed her to her house, after she finished eating my food. And I kept asking her why she did it, but she never answered me. When we got to her house, she cooked a big batch of something with shrimp in it; some kind of shrimp stir fry. And it smelled delicious. She offered me some, but I didn't eat it, because I was still mad at her. And then I woke up.
Yesterday was a nice day. I went to a friend's birthday gathering, and then another friend came over for the evening. I don't have many opportunities to be social these days, so I was happy to spend time with people. Still, I always feel a certain lack of control in these situations. Because I don't drive, I couldn't decide what time I went to the party, and what time I came home. When you're at a party, you do what the majority wants to do, or what the party organizer wants to do. When the birthday boy wanted to watch some music videos by a very strange band, there isn't much you can do but sit there and watch. I mean, you can leave, except if you're me, you can't leave because the person you came with wasn't ready to leave. And later, back at home, you watch a show that you've never seen before and honestly don't care about, because that's what your friend wants to watch, and you know that she wouldn't be interested in what you would want to watch.
I am a people pleaser, and I do what other people want to do, because I want them to be happy, and because I can't handle conflict. My needs, interests, and desires almost always take a backseat to what the people around me want. Obviously there is give and take in every relationship, and compromise is important. I'm not saying I should get my way every time. But I do think I should stand up for myself more, and say what I want and what I need. Most of the time it doesn't bother me to put myself second. I like making people happy, and keeping the peace. But I'm beginning to think that my people pleasing personality and not taking enough time for the hobbies and pursuits that I enjoy are affecting my dreams.
librarianintx
Friday, August 28, 2015
Spending Money
It's scary how much fun spending money can be. There can be a high associated with it. This year I have been more careful than ever with my money. I freaked out when our apartment complex increased our rent by $80 several months ago. I had been pinching pennies even before that, but when that happened I started spending even less. I keep a list every month of how much I spend and what I'm spending my money on. If I buy a bag of chips, I write it down.
I changed my buying habits at the grocery store. I purchase roma tomatoes now; they are the cheapest. Instead of saltines or Ritz, I buy a bag of oyster crackers for $1. HEB bread is cheaper than Mrs. Baird's. I try to buy only what I can eat in a week; I don't stock up. I make a list and I stick to it. I eat a lot of beans and rice. And hot cereal. When I cook, I make a pot of chili or spaghetti that will last me about a week. I eat out rarely if I'm paying. One thing I allow myself is a trip to Central Market, where I buy a prepared container of chicken salad, pasta salad, and fresh fruit. The container costs less than $6, and is the perfect size for me for lunch.
So I have been super careful so far this year. Plus I got a small raise at work, and I was scoring tests online for a few months to make some extra money. All of this has resulted in a savings every month. Some months I have been able to save several hundred dollars. That makes me feel proud and relieved. But it also makes me feel too comfortable, like it would be okay to maybe relax my strict spending a bit. I don't want to think that way. I want to continue saving. And I want to find more ways of making extra money.
I'm doing okay right now on a month to month basis. And I'm not completely denying myself. Not at all. I bought several dresses this summer. I've been out to eat a few times. I even bought an inexpensive netbook - my wonderful friends bought it and are letting me pay it off in monthly installments, which helps greatly. But I worry about if and when I have a big expense - if I get sick and need medicine, or a medical test, or even surgery. I just went to the dentist and was relieved that all was well - no cavities and the co-pay was wonderfully low. But anything can happen. I could fall and break something. I have insurance, but the cost would still be very high. So I have to remain vigilant.
But there is something else I want - a new i-pod. I had a great one, but it died, and for now I have a hand-me-down from my sister's family. It doesn't hold much music, won't sync audiobooks for some reason, and only holds a charge for about an hour. I told myself if I made some extra money this summer, and if I went to the dentist and all went well with that, then I would allow myself the luxury of a new i-pod. I DID make some extra money this summer, and I DID go to the dentist. I have more than enough saved this year to buy the i-pod. But I'm still nervous about making the purchase. What if I get it, and then something goes wrong and I need the money I just used for something frivolous? What if I buy it, and the excitement I derive from getting it for myself makes me want to spend money on other luxuries? I use my smartphone a lot and it is several years old; maybe I should spend the money on a new phone instead?
A top of the line i-pod is over $400. That is a lot of money to spend on myself. That is twice as much as the netbook I'm paying off. I have to remember that the holidays are approaching, plus two nieces are graduating from college soon, and one of those two nieces is also getting married next May. So a lot of gift-buying is in my fairly immediate future.
So there is both excitement and nervousness when it comes to money, and I'm working on finding a balance between saving and spending. I probably will get the i-pod. And I will feel happy and proud and guilty all at the same time. That's me!
librarianintx
I changed my buying habits at the grocery store. I purchase roma tomatoes now; they are the cheapest. Instead of saltines or Ritz, I buy a bag of oyster crackers for $1. HEB bread is cheaper than Mrs. Baird's. I try to buy only what I can eat in a week; I don't stock up. I make a list and I stick to it. I eat a lot of beans and rice. And hot cereal. When I cook, I make a pot of chili or spaghetti that will last me about a week. I eat out rarely if I'm paying. One thing I allow myself is a trip to Central Market, where I buy a prepared container of chicken salad, pasta salad, and fresh fruit. The container costs less than $6, and is the perfect size for me for lunch.
So I have been super careful so far this year. Plus I got a small raise at work, and I was scoring tests online for a few months to make some extra money. All of this has resulted in a savings every month. Some months I have been able to save several hundred dollars. That makes me feel proud and relieved. But it also makes me feel too comfortable, like it would be okay to maybe relax my strict spending a bit. I don't want to think that way. I want to continue saving. And I want to find more ways of making extra money.
I'm doing okay right now on a month to month basis. And I'm not completely denying myself. Not at all. I bought several dresses this summer. I've been out to eat a few times. I even bought an inexpensive netbook - my wonderful friends bought it and are letting me pay it off in monthly installments, which helps greatly. But I worry about if and when I have a big expense - if I get sick and need medicine, or a medical test, or even surgery. I just went to the dentist and was relieved that all was well - no cavities and the co-pay was wonderfully low. But anything can happen. I could fall and break something. I have insurance, but the cost would still be very high. So I have to remain vigilant.
But there is something else I want - a new i-pod. I had a great one, but it died, and for now I have a hand-me-down from my sister's family. It doesn't hold much music, won't sync audiobooks for some reason, and only holds a charge for about an hour. I told myself if I made some extra money this summer, and if I went to the dentist and all went well with that, then I would allow myself the luxury of a new i-pod. I DID make some extra money this summer, and I DID go to the dentist. I have more than enough saved this year to buy the i-pod. But I'm still nervous about making the purchase. What if I get it, and then something goes wrong and I need the money I just used for something frivolous? What if I buy it, and the excitement I derive from getting it for myself makes me want to spend money on other luxuries? I use my smartphone a lot and it is several years old; maybe I should spend the money on a new phone instead?
A top of the line i-pod is over $400. That is a lot of money to spend on myself. That is twice as much as the netbook I'm paying off. I have to remember that the holidays are approaching, plus two nieces are graduating from college soon, and one of those two nieces is also getting married next May. So a lot of gift-buying is in my fairly immediate future.
So there is both excitement and nervousness when it comes to money, and I'm working on finding a balance between saving and spending. I probably will get the i-pod. And I will feel happy and proud and guilty all at the same time. That's me!
librarianintx
My Everest
"We understand that not everybody can climb Everest; but everybody has an Everest to climb."
I would say I have several Everests in my life. To say I conquered one of them yesterday would be too much of a stretch, but I at least made some progress.
I went to the dentist.
To say going to the dentist is like climbing Mt. Everest sounds so absurd. For most people, a trip to the dentist is a normal part of health care. I don't know anyone who necessarily enjoys it, but you do it and it's not a big deal.
It's a big deal for me.
I have a long history with my mouth. Multiple tooth extractions, braces twice, gum surgery, major reconstructive jaw surgery in the attempt to correct a congenital deformity, and then at least two minor surgeries to remove infected (or presumed infected) hardwire from the jaw surgery. Along the way I encountered nice dental professionals and not-so-nice dental professionals. Surgeries, pain, hours in a dental chair, dealing with the various personalities of dental personnel, losing the ability to chew for a time, and a lifetime of unhappiness with my appearance have all resulted in a fairly significant dental phobia. Add to all that excess saliva as a by-product of weakened facial muscles from my neuromuscular disease which results in an aspiration concern, and dizzy spells when I'm leaned back in a chair from my inner ear disorder, and hopefully you get the picture of why a trip to the dentist is such a nervewracking experience for me. Finding a dentist and hygienist who can work with me and deal my issues has been a task years in the making.
I have seen a pediatric dentist since the age of ten. He saw me through all the rough years of braces and surgeries. His staff knew me and most of them were patient with me. But once I moved away to attend graduate school and eventually became a resident of Austin, getting back to Houston to see this dentist became a challenge. Plus, I had no dental insurance, so as an adult my visits were costing me $200+
Finally a few years ago, I set up dental insurance through work, and with much trepidation I made an appointment with a well-known dental chain. My main reasoning was that the dental office was about a mile from my apartment.
The exam, cleaning, and subsequent filing weren't a terrible experience. They tried to work with me. But I just did not feel comfortable there. So until yesterday I have not seen a dentist in probably two years or more.
A few months ago, I started researching dentists in the area. I performed a google search for the term "special needs dentist." I found several who mentioned patients with special needs on their web sites. Some were pediatric dentists; some were family dentists. Unfortunately, none of them accepted my insurance. At that point I was quite discouraged. I was psyching myself up to go, I was focusing on positivity, but since money is a big issue, I needed to find a dentist on my plan.
In the end, I took a shot in the dark, and hoped for the best. This dentist did not mention special needs on his web site, and I only found one review on the Internet about him, but it was a positive one. He is a private practice dentist, so I was hoping I would feel more comfortable with someone who was not part of a big, chain-style operation. I was hoping to avoid a large office where I was one of several people in a row of chairs in a huge room. My orthodontist's office is like that; luckily I do not have to see him often.
So long story short, I have a new dentist, and I am happy and relieved. I was the only patient during most of my time there, and the dentist performed the cleaning himself, with an assistant. The x-rays were as challenging as ever, but the rest of the appointment went very smoothly. The dentist was friendly and talkative, which made the time pass quickly, and for a first visit, after hours of agonizing anticipatory anxiety, I was remarkably calm during the cleaning. He adhered to my needs without needing a lot of explanation and seemingly with no impatience. He gave me enough opportunities to swallow, and he and his assistant did well with limiting the amount of water and instruments in my mouth. He was swift, but thorough, and not at all rough.
The further good news is that the co-pay was amazing low. At that price, and with the good level of care I received, plus my surprising comfort during the cleaning, at this point I plan to see him twice a year. A remarkable turn of events for me. I am very pleased. And proud of myself for making the appointment and being brave enough to follow through. For anyone else, it was a visit to the dentist, no big deal. For me, it was quite a mountain to climb. I arrived home worn out and a little dizzy, but definitely triumphant.
Have I conquered my dental phobia? As I stated at the beginning, I wouldn't say I reached the summit of this Everest. But maybe I'm close. I credit the dentist and his staff, who were patient and made me feel comfortable. I also need to credit myself, for focusing on the positive, and for persevering to find a dentist that is a good fit for me. I am finally realizing that even with all my issues, physical and emotional, I deserve to be treated well by health care professionals and their staff, and it is both my right and my responsibility to require nothing less than respect, understanding, and the best of their professional abilities.
librarianintx
I would say I have several Everests in my life. To say I conquered one of them yesterday would be too much of a stretch, but I at least made some progress.
I went to the dentist.
To say going to the dentist is like climbing Mt. Everest sounds so absurd. For most people, a trip to the dentist is a normal part of health care. I don't know anyone who necessarily enjoys it, but you do it and it's not a big deal.
It's a big deal for me.
I have a long history with my mouth. Multiple tooth extractions, braces twice, gum surgery, major reconstructive jaw surgery in the attempt to correct a congenital deformity, and then at least two minor surgeries to remove infected (or presumed infected) hardwire from the jaw surgery. Along the way I encountered nice dental professionals and not-so-nice dental professionals. Surgeries, pain, hours in a dental chair, dealing with the various personalities of dental personnel, losing the ability to chew for a time, and a lifetime of unhappiness with my appearance have all resulted in a fairly significant dental phobia. Add to all that excess saliva as a by-product of weakened facial muscles from my neuromuscular disease which results in an aspiration concern, and dizzy spells when I'm leaned back in a chair from my inner ear disorder, and hopefully you get the picture of why a trip to the dentist is such a nervewracking experience for me. Finding a dentist and hygienist who can work with me and deal my issues has been a task years in the making.
I have seen a pediatric dentist since the age of ten. He saw me through all the rough years of braces and surgeries. His staff knew me and most of them were patient with me. But once I moved away to attend graduate school and eventually became a resident of Austin, getting back to Houston to see this dentist became a challenge. Plus, I had no dental insurance, so as an adult my visits were costing me $200+
Finally a few years ago, I set up dental insurance through work, and with much trepidation I made an appointment with a well-known dental chain. My main reasoning was that the dental office was about a mile from my apartment.
The exam, cleaning, and subsequent filing weren't a terrible experience. They tried to work with me. But I just did not feel comfortable there. So until yesterday I have not seen a dentist in probably two years or more.
A few months ago, I started researching dentists in the area. I performed a google search for the term "special needs dentist." I found several who mentioned patients with special needs on their web sites. Some were pediatric dentists; some were family dentists. Unfortunately, none of them accepted my insurance. At that point I was quite discouraged. I was psyching myself up to go, I was focusing on positivity, but since money is a big issue, I needed to find a dentist on my plan.
In the end, I took a shot in the dark, and hoped for the best. This dentist did not mention special needs on his web site, and I only found one review on the Internet about him, but it was a positive one. He is a private practice dentist, so I was hoping I would feel more comfortable with someone who was not part of a big, chain-style operation. I was hoping to avoid a large office where I was one of several people in a row of chairs in a huge room. My orthodontist's office is like that; luckily I do not have to see him often.
So long story short, I have a new dentist, and I am happy and relieved. I was the only patient during most of my time there, and the dentist performed the cleaning himself, with an assistant. The x-rays were as challenging as ever, but the rest of the appointment went very smoothly. The dentist was friendly and talkative, which made the time pass quickly, and for a first visit, after hours of agonizing anticipatory anxiety, I was remarkably calm during the cleaning. He adhered to my needs without needing a lot of explanation and seemingly with no impatience. He gave me enough opportunities to swallow, and he and his assistant did well with limiting the amount of water and instruments in my mouth. He was swift, but thorough, and not at all rough.
The further good news is that the co-pay was amazing low. At that price, and with the good level of care I received, plus my surprising comfort during the cleaning, at this point I plan to see him twice a year. A remarkable turn of events for me. I am very pleased. And proud of myself for making the appointment and being brave enough to follow through. For anyone else, it was a visit to the dentist, no big deal. For me, it was quite a mountain to climb. I arrived home worn out and a little dizzy, but definitely triumphant.
Have I conquered my dental phobia? As I stated at the beginning, I wouldn't say I reached the summit of this Everest. But maybe I'm close. I credit the dentist and his staff, who were patient and made me feel comfortable. I also need to credit myself, for focusing on the positive, and for persevering to find a dentist that is a good fit for me. I am finally realizing that even with all my issues, physical and emotional, I deserve to be treated well by health care professionals and their staff, and it is both my right and my responsibility to require nothing less than respect, understanding, and the best of their professional abilities.
librarianintx
Thursday, August 13, 2015
What makes me happy
Many things make me happy:
A refreshing shower
Relaxing with a cup of tea and a book before bed
Being organized
Buying a new book with a gift card
and fun pictures of dogs, like this one...
You can't help but smile and giggle. He is currently my background picture on my work computer, and he makes me happy all day long.
This is what life is all about...finding what makes you happy, and surrounding yourself with what you enjoy.
librarianintx
A refreshing shower
Relaxing with a cup of tea and a book before bed
Being organized
Buying a new book with a gift card
and fun pictures of dogs, like this one...
This is what life is all about...finding what makes you happy, and surrounding yourself with what you enjoy.
librarianintx
Thursday, August 06, 2015
A small accomplishment
I know my life would be more satisfying and fulfilling if I had more confidence in myself. Why do I have so little faith in my abilities? Why, for example, does a simple night out with friends become such a crisis for me? All day yesterday I tried to talk myself out of going to visit friends who are in town from California. I haven't seen them in at least three years. They are leaving today, so last night was our only opportunity.
"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."
On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.
And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.
I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up. My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.
When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.
This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?
librarianintx
"I'm already too tired, and going will only make me more tired."
"They are staying way south, so my ride will be long."
"Its a week night, and I rarely go out on a week night."
"Mom is coming for a visit starting tomorrow, and I need every ounce of energy I have to keep up with her."
On and on and on. All kinds of excuses. So many reasons to cancel. My mind was set to overdrive.
And then what happened?
I went.
And I survived!
In fact, I more than survived. I succeeded.
I arrived home from work around 3 pm. In an hour's time, I ate, washed the dishes, made a snack to take with me, laid out my clothes for today, prepared my food for today, brushed my teeth, and put on make-up. My ride came around 4:15. I arrived at my friends' rental house around 5:30. I stayed until after 9:30. I enjoyed my time with my friends, and their friends. I socialized. I wasn't a wallflower. I contributed to conversations. I didn't obsess about needing to get home.
When I arrived home, my chores were already done. I didn't have to prepare anything. All I had to do was wind down, brush my teeth, and change clothes. I went to bed later than my self-imposed bedtime, but not excessively late. And I got up this morning as well (or with as much difficulty) as usual. I don't feel any more tired than usual. If anything, I think I have a bit more pep. At least emotional energy. Because I didn't disappoint myself or my friends. I did what I set out to do, and as usual, it wasn't as hard as I tried to convince myself that it would be.
This happens to me time and again. When will it click in my head that I can do more than I think I can do? When will I find some belief in myself? Why do I constantly psych myself out?
librarianintx
Wednesday, August 05, 2015
Quote
Saw this quote on Facebook last night, and it made me cry:
"I hope you know you're capable & brave & significant, even when you feel like you're not."
This pretty much sums up my life most of the time. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. But every day I get up and I keep trying. I search within myself for strength, strive for accomplishment, and yearn for balance and contentment. I understand that every day is a gift, and what I want most is to feel worthy and useful. Our time on earth is precious and limited, and I want to know I'm living a purposeful existence.
librarianintx
"I hope you know you're capable & brave & significant, even when you feel like you're not."
This pretty much sums up my life most of the time. I don't feel like I'm any of those things. But every day I get up and I keep trying. I search within myself for strength, strive for accomplishment, and yearn for balance and contentment. I understand that every day is a gift, and what I want most is to feel worthy and useful. Our time on earth is precious and limited, and I want to know I'm living a purposeful existence.
librarianintx
Thursday, July 23, 2015
My Long-Term Goals in Life
I think my long-term goals are simple, and certainly achievable:
1) Be motivated
Motivation leads to productivity. Motivation lessens or even eliminates procrastination. Productivity usually results in success. So if I can muster motivation, then procrastination will be no longer hinder me, and I will find the success that means so much to me.
2) Create balance
I am working hard on this one. I desire to find balance between helping others, which feels right and good to me, and making enough time in the day for myself and what I enjoy. If I use all my energy and hours doing for others, then I fear I will become frustrated and resentful. I need to continue discovering what I like to do, and make space in my life for those endeavors. I also need to achieve balance between work and play, and between rest and activity.
3) Live in the moment
This is my mantra now. When I begin to ruminate about the future, or obsess about the past, I say out loud to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Be in the here and now. And right this minute, you are fine. You are okay."
4) Avoid comparisons
Hard to do when you are raised by a parent who makes it her life's work to draw comparisons. My hair will never be as pretty as my sister's, I will never achieve the writing success that my niece has already in her young life, and I will never have the money or the physical ability to travel. See how hard it is not to do it? For me, ending the compulsion to compare ties in perfectly with the other three goals. When I'm not comparing and constantly finding myself lacking, then I have more motivation, I am achieving balance, and I am living in the moment. I have to be okay with the knowledge that I will never be attractive, I probably will not have the opportunity or ability to travel, and I will not have a lot of money. This does not mean I will not work towards financial security or the possibility of travel. It means I will be grateful for what I have, proud of my accomplishments, and pleased for the good fortunes of others without bitterness and jealousy.
Hey, this is my eleventh post for the month of July. Short-term goal met...and exceeded! Yea me! :)
librarianintx
1) Be motivated
Motivation leads to productivity. Motivation lessens or even eliminates procrastination. Productivity usually results in success. So if I can muster motivation, then procrastination will be no longer hinder me, and I will find the success that means so much to me.
2) Create balance
I am working hard on this one. I desire to find balance between helping others, which feels right and good to me, and making enough time in the day for myself and what I enjoy. If I use all my energy and hours doing for others, then I fear I will become frustrated and resentful. I need to continue discovering what I like to do, and make space in my life for those endeavors. I also need to achieve balance between work and play, and between rest and activity.
3) Live in the moment
This is my mantra now. When I begin to ruminate about the future, or obsess about the past, I say out loud to myself, "Stop. Live in the moment. Be in the here and now. And right this minute, you are fine. You are okay."
4) Avoid comparisons
Hard to do when you are raised by a parent who makes it her life's work to draw comparisons. My hair will never be as pretty as my sister's, I will never achieve the writing success that my niece has already in her young life, and I will never have the money or the physical ability to travel. See how hard it is not to do it? For me, ending the compulsion to compare ties in perfectly with the other three goals. When I'm not comparing and constantly finding myself lacking, then I have more motivation, I am achieving balance, and I am living in the moment. I have to be okay with the knowledge that I will never be attractive, I probably will not have the opportunity or ability to travel, and I will not have a lot of money. This does not mean I will not work towards financial security or the possibility of travel. It means I will be grateful for what I have, proud of my accomplishments, and pleased for the good fortunes of others without bitterness and jealousy.
Hey, this is my eleventh post for the month of July. Short-term goal met...and exceeded! Yea me! :)
librarianintx
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
My new netbook
Happy is all plugged in, connected to the Internet, and getting comfortable in her new surroundings, on the recently cleared off desk in my bedroom.
I think she will feel at home here.
I'm excited to have her.
This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.
Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat. Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.
But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.
People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.
I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel. :-)
I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.
Welcome home, Happy!
librarianintx
I think she will feel at home here.
I'm excited to have her.
This is just a brief check in. I'm not counting this as one of the ten blogs for the month of July.
Or wait. Maybe I will count it. Because at the moment I'm dealing with a bout of neurosis. Happy will spend most of her time sitting on my desk. But I also want to start eating at my desk, so I can watch tv while I eat. In all honesty, I already sit in my room to watch tv and eat, but since my desk was such a mess, and I don't like to sit on my bed to eat, I have been sitting on the floor to eat. It doesn't feel good to sit on the floor to eat, from a physical or emotional standpoint. My legs hurt when I sit on the floor, and I have trouble getting up from the floor. It also makes me feel like a child to sit on the floor to eat. Sometimes I sit at the dining room table, but I get bored eating there, because I'm by myself and it takes me so long to eat. I sometimes look at Facebook or other web sites while I eat, but I'm not someone who can read a book while I eat. I have to concentrate too much on chewing and swallowing due to my disability.
But I also don't want food near my new netbook. I'm usually neurotic when I get something new, especially something expensive and electronic. I don't want it to get dirty or messed up. I don't want to spill food or drink on this computer. So I might move the netbook while I'm eating. At least for awhile. I'm sure I was the same way with my desktop computer, but I eat and drink while I use that computer now. Although I think it would be less likely for me to spill something on the desktop computer. Maybe on the keyboard, but its a wireless keyboard, so it would be pretty easy to get another one, although hopefully I won't spill anything on the keyboard.
People take netbooks and laptops to restaurants and cafes all the time. That's the whole point of a netbook - it's portable, you can take it anywhere. So they are putting their netbooks and laptops and tablets on dirty tables and they are eating and drinking with their equipment right in front of them or beside them. I think I will get to that point. I'm just neurotic when I first get something.
I'll be eating dinner soon. I don't want to unhook the netbook and move it every time I eat. Maybe I'll simply cover the computer with a towel. A clean towel of course. Like, a rarely used towel. :-)
I'm counting this as a legitimate post now.
Welcome home, Happy!
librarianintx
Why I'm not sleeping affects my mood
Just an observation here. I find that when I don't get enough sleep because I'm awake late doing something enjoyable - at a party, hanging with friends, making out / having sex - then my mood is good the next day. My energy level is decent and my fatigue is not as prominent. But when I don't sleep well because I'm stressed, or something is keeping me awake (like an annoying smoke detector!), or if I've simply reached the age where sleep is more elusive, then I can be irritable and worn out the next day.
So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)
librarianintx
So at least for me, why I'm not sleeping has more of an effect on my mood and stamina than how many hours I'm sleeping. So my solution: When I can't sleep, have sex! Most likely, I'll wake up smiling. Hopefully my partner will as well. :)
librarianintx
Monday, July 20, 2015
From independence to helplessness
A week ago yesterday I spent the better part of the day arranging the clothes in my closet. That wasn't on my list of activities for the day, but once I got started, I didn't want to stop. I have two low bars in closet and one high bar. I like to arrange my clothes seasonally. Since I have difficulty reaching the high bar, my summer shirts and capris pants are on the low bars, and most of my long sleeved shirts and corduroy pants are up on the high bar. But all my dresses, regardless of season, have to be on the high bar, or they would drag on the floor.
My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.
I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!
I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.
And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.
Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.
Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.
librarianintx
My caregiver helps me switch out my clothes every season. But as with most tasks, she gets the job done as quickly as possible, with as little effort as possible. This means grabbing a bunch of clothes and jamming them together on the high bar. She doesn't want to take the time to organize the dresses and other clothes by season. So my corduroy pants might be next to my summer dresses, or my summer dresses might be mixed in with jackets. So I stood on my little step stool and held on to the low bar with one hand and carefully reached up to the high bar to move the clothes where I wanted them. In the process, I also weeded out some items I don't wear anymore to donate.
I wasn't able to do everything I wanted to do. Some clothes I just could not reach. And I got too tired to complete the job. But I was quite pleased with what I was able to accomplish. My closet looks much better. Organized. I found some clothes I was missing. And I discovered a dress that I don't remember buying!
I felt independent and strong, being able to organize my closet by myself. I felt proud of my achievement.
And then an hour after I went to bed that Sunday night, I was awakened by the living room smoke detector beeping. It wasn't chirping; it was beeping. I didn't think it was a battery issue because the battery had been changed fairly recently. My mood changed from confident to frustrated. I knew that no matter how much I wanted to, or how hard I tried, there was absolutely no way that I could reach that smoke detector. I'm too short, I don't have the arm strength, and I don't have the balance. I was powerless in the face of a beeping ceiling device.
Fortunately, the smoke detector eventually returned to it's silent state, after about two hours of beeping at regular, fifteen minute intervals. I finally managed to get some sleep. The maintenance man came late on Monday and replaced the detector. As I suspected, it was not a battery issue.
Such is life. You're up, and then you're down. You succeed, and then you fail. It happens to everyone. You simply have to roll with what the universe affords you, and keep on going. And remember that most frustrations are only bumps in the road. They only bother you for as long as you allow them to.
librarianintx
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