Storms

I always hoped it would happen, but as the years went by and nothing changed, I figured I would be this way forever. 

Terrified of storms. 

In reality, my phobia has evolved. I have been able to pinpoint the aspects of a storm that scare me the most: wind and tornadoes. 

And the anticipation.

It was the anticipation that would actually cause me the most distress. 

Because I was convinced I could not make it through a severe storm by myself. 

This thought pattern caused me so much stress and anxiety. 

It made me worry uselessly for days and do things that were embarrassing and made me feel so bad about myself. 

I could say that I did everything I could think of to change - but it's not true. 

I WANTED to change. But I lived with this fear - and in the storm of this phobia - for decades. 

I didn't do anything different - I made the same mistakes over and over and over and over. 

And then two nights ago - it happened. 

I knew a threat was looming. I haven't completely altered how I deal with an approaching storm. I watched the weather. We were under a level one - slight risk. A front was coming in from the Pacific. Warm, humid air clashing with cold, drier air. Strong winds aloft. And the lift in the atmosphere needed to generate the severe storms. 

Yeah, I know the lingo. That's what happens when you watch the weather religiously. Some people who know me say I should have become a meteorologist. But I couldn't, for two important reasons: 1) I'm not good at science and 2) Nobody is going to hire a meteorologist whose heart pounds and hands shake and barely controls the urge to run when there's even a mention of bad weather. 

So I can't be a meteorologist, but there has always been a fascination aspect to my fear, which has helped to root me to my phobia. As scared as I am, I have wanted to ride in a storm chaser car for as long as such a vehicle has existed. Why? Not because I wanted to be that close to a storm. But because I would be with someone else, and we would be in a vehicle that could flee if there was too much danger. As a person who cannot drive, I have always feared a looming deadly tornado that I could not escape from, even though trying to out-drive a tornado is never recommended. No one said plans made in terror are the intelligent choices. 

So, back to two nights ago. I knew there was a threat. Not a high one. A low end chance. And that definitely helped. We were not under an enhanced or moderate risk. The last update I heard was storms were expected around 11 pm. We were not under a watch, but counties just north of us were. 

The time was around 9 pm. I was at my computer. My roommate walked in from work. IT WAS ONLY THEN that I noticed the deep, low, CONSTANT rumble of thunder. I said, "Is that thunder?" "Yes," he replied, "Lots of lightning out there too." 

I had not noticed. 

No pounding / racing heart. 

No fight or flight response.

No pacing.

No constantly checking every tv channel, news and weather app, radar, favorite weatherperson on Facebook

No planning to get somewhere safe. 

I had FINALLY learned how to feel safe. At home. By myself. 

GAME. CHANGER.

We were under a severe thunderstorm warning. 

I didn't know. 

And the most amazing thing: I didn't CARE.

I'm not calling myself cured. I will still be scared sometimes. And having a healthy fear of storms is not a bad thing. 

But to have FINALLY achieved this level of comfort and independence - it means the world. 

It is never too late.

librarianintx