Appreciation

I consider it a successful day when I can walk into work this morning with someone I consider an important person in the building, and have my hair combed, my face washed, and at least a clean shirt on my body. So my day thus far has been successful.

Yesterday my team leader at work, who is one of the nicest people I have ever met, and I have met many nice people, asked me some questions about appreciation. She had recently attended a managers seminar and I was her "guinea pig" to try out a concept. She was asking me what my supervisor(s) / fellow employees could do to show that they appreciate me and the work that I do.

The question and answer time turned into more of a therapy session. That's not too shocking for me. I have often felt that I needed to fork over payment to quite a few co-workers and friends for listening to me drag out, sort, wash, dry, and fold laundry in various stages of cleanliness. But even I was a bit surprised by some of my comments. I told her that I didn't really need appreciation in the workplace. I'm always happy to receive it, its always special to me, but I don't want to need it or crave it. I want appreciation to come from within. I want to feel good about what I do internally. I don't want to expect appreciation.

I have someone in my life who is quite demanding of appreciation, and her expectations always seem to fall short of reality. So she lets everyone know that she never gets the reaction that she feels she deserves. Its very sad to me. I don't want to live my life that way. When I do something for someone, I want it to be because I wanted to do it, not because I want the gratitude that I feel should be an outcome of the good deed. I want to do something because I enjoy it and because it makes me feel good inside and because it will make the other person happy, more comfortable, less stressed, etc. But not because I'm expecting or craving compliments or appreciation.

I am extremely accomplishment-oriented, and on a daily basis its hard for me to feel like I've been useful or purposeful with the gift of life that I am so grateful to have. Nearly every day I say to myself, There is another day gone by when I didn't do all these things that I wanted to do. I didn't read, I didn't journal, I didn't help anyone, I didn't learn anything, I didn't try to do something that scared or intimidated me, I didn't find my courage, I didn't use my voice like the people I admire do. I didn't work on becoming that strong person that I want to be. But then I try to say to myself, I did more than I think I did. I may not have started the great American novel today, or volunteered at a homeless shelter, or advocated for equality, or helped build a house. But I got out of bed. I made the effort to make it to work, where I have the opportunity to make someone's life a little easier. And maybe along the way, I told a joke that made someone smile. Maybe I used my voice to say a racial slur offended me. Maybe I gave advice to someone who is going through something that I have been through. Maybe the positives and negatives of my life have the power to educate others. And likewise, I learn from the classroom that is the lives of the people I come into contact with. And then I use the power of the written word to convey it to anyone who happens to stumble across my tiny corner of the W-E-B.

I think I may have mentioned before that "CJ" is a singer. This morning I heard him singing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" in my head as I travelled to work. That made me smile. Anything that can make me feel good on a weekday morning is a blessing. He is gift, and his voice is a gift.