Working on Me

Depression, loneliness, frustration, fear....all can affect your physical as well as your emotional well-being. I feel like I spend so much of my life struggling...worrying...ruminating...being afraid. I am the princess of "what if," "should have," "could have," "need to," and "why can't I just."

So I'm trying to work on all of this. I have spent so much of my life mired in negativity. I stop myself from being happy and having what I want. I don't feel like I deserve good things. I constantly delay joy. I push away positivity. I focus on the bad. I look for life to go wrong. I anticipate it, thinking I will deal with it better if I lay in wait for it, and not let it sneak up on me.

I don't want to use the word "struggle" or "task." Its a daily reward. There we go! A daily gift to myself, to succeed in silencing the critical voice within me, the part of me that makes it her occupation to scare me, worry me, frustrate me, tell me that I'll never have what I want and I don't deserve it anyway, and terrible things are going to happen to me and the people I care about.

I'm always waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

So the first step on the way to change...be observant. Notice what you're thinking, and how its affecting you physically as well as emotionally. Realize that your leg muscles are tight, that your whole body is tight. Notice that you're holding your breath slightly, which can exacerbate and even contribute to anxiety. Listen to your thoughts.

And then do something different.

Re-direct. Focus your thoughts and energies elsewhere. Remind yourself that worry and fear are the two most useless activities you can engage in, and you're not going to waste your valuable time on them. Negative thoughts and emotions have no power of their own; they are only as strong as you allow them to be. They can never be in control of you unless you let them. So you say, "bye bye" and you do something else, preferably something you like to do. Read. Journal. Do something with a friend. Watch a show. Play a game. Maybe even better...try something new. Something you think you can't do. If you don't feel like you have enough mental energy to focus on something that requires brain power, like reading or journaling, then do something physical. Exercise a little. Clean something. Organize.

I know its not easy.
But its important.
And I know it works.
The key...
I have to care enough about myself to make this a priority.

librarianintx