A Good Feeling

Last night I slid into a freshly made bed, clean sheets, only about fifteen minutes past the bedtime I've set for myself. I worked five hours at my regular job, and another four hours at a work-from-home online job. There were no dishes in the sink, the dining room table was cleared, and I had clothes and food ready for this morning. I was calm, organized, feeling accomplished, and living in the moment. Life doesn't get much better than this for me. I felt so good.

I have struggled with this online job. I am scoring test essays for students in grades 1 - 5. I have an education degree and a master's in library science, so one would think this would be easy work for me. But there are different criteria you have to judge, and the scoring can be subjective. It is easy to second guess yourself. In each session, you have to first perform a calibration exercise. You have 45 minutes to pass the calibration, and two opportunities. If you fail both times, you are not allowed to score that day. For the past several weeks, I have been unable to pass calibration.

I already suffer from self-esteem issues, and my inability to succeed at this job made me feel even worse about myself. I was frustrated, and felt inadequate and stupid. I asked for more training, but was told that established raters were not allowed additional training sessions. Somehow I was able to pass the initial testing to become a rater, but then I was unable to pass the daily to testing to work as a rater.

At every rating session, my team leaders let me know that I was close to passing. They urged me to keep trying, to study the scoring guide carefully and read the benchmarks for each criteria before beginning. "Take your time, don't rush," they told me. "Forty-five minutes is longer than you think."

I still second-guess myself. But apparently I am learning. I have passed calibration on the first attempt twice now. You can place essays in temporary hold and ask your team leaders if your scores are correct, and I am doing this a few times each session, to make sure I am on the right track with my answers. The team leaders will also contact you if they see that you are making errors in scoring.

I am still nervous that I won't pass calibration. In some ways I am even more anxious, because I don't want to feel comfortable in my ability and then start failing again. I feel like I continue to struggle in the job. But I am very proud that I did not quit. I considered it, but decided to keep trying. The pay is low, but definitely decent for a work-from-home job. It feels so great to know that I am doing what I can to earn my own way. Sure, I would like more time to read and watch my favorite shows and other hobbies that I enjoy. But knowing that this extra income will help me worry less about money feels so liberating. And having this second job gives me less time to procrastinate and ruminate. A win win all around.

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