Something else I strive for...

Resilience.

People might say I'm a resilient person, but I've never felt like I was. I'm striving for that now. Resilience. Resilience and balance.

I had it on Saturday. A long day, the longest car ride I've experienced in years, to be a support system for a friend. It was a day that ended a long week of stress and planning and concern. What a relief that the day went well, and the task was accomplished. I did what I set out to do, and I did it without an utterance of complaint or discomfort. Because there was none.

I was resilient on Saturday. And my friend had a big weight lifted from his shoulder. It was a very good day.

librarianintx

Lyrics

"My hands are small I know
But they're not yours,
they are my own
But they're not yours,
they are my own...

I am never broken"

"Hands"
by Jewel

At some point...

At some point I need to stop feeling responsible for everyone else's feelings. A wise friend of a wise friend came up with a brilliant quote recently: "My intentions were pure, and your feelings are not my responsibility." I overextend myself constantly in order to keep everyone happy. Which of course doesn't actually happen. People still get upset. Crap still happens.

At some point, I'm going to figure it out.

librarianintx

A Brief History

See, the problem is, when I was younger, I was convinced I couldn't do much. In fact, I believed I SHOULDN'T do much. I was weak, I was disabled, it was dangerous for me to overdo. So to make sure I didn't overdo, I "underdid." Plus it helped that I had a mother who felt she had to overprotect me and do everything for me. Before I knew it I was 28 years old, living in my own apartment for the first time, and I barely knew how to do anything. I had very limited experience with cooking, shopping, and managing my own money. I had never done my own laundry. I was tweny-five when I took my first out of town bus trip by myself, and that was just to visit family. When I was faced with something I didn't know how to do, all I had to do was ask my mother to do it for me. Actually, I rarely even had to ask. She would already know, and just do it for me.

But now I'm learning what a good feeling it is to do for myself, and to figure things out for myself. Its qute a high for me. I'm also learning that within good reason, its good for me to be active. Yes, I do need rest, but the more I use my muscles, again within reason, the better my physical and respiratory health will be. And its true, thanks to certain medications and other medical interventions, I am accomplishing more in a day than I ever thought possible. And that feels GREAT! But again, the problem is balance. How much, how often, for how long? And what activities should I focus on? What are some things that I'm doing that it would be healthier for me to give up and let someone else do? What are some daily activities that I can give up control over for my health?

Balance

I feel like I'm going to search for it forever...work toward it and never completely achieve it.

I'm doing more than I've ever done before to achieve health. I have a big problem with procrasination, and rarely do everything that I'm supposed to in a day. Part of the problem, of course, is that I have too many things I need to do for health, and not enough energy and time in the day to get it all done. Breathing exercises, physical exercising, eating right, taking meds, routine hair, skin, and tooth care, etc. Plus keeping my environment and equipment clean...

Although I'm doing quite a bit in the physical health realm, I'm not faring as well in the emotional health area. All the orange juice, broccoli, cantaloupe, fish, and low fat milk are great, but the improved diet is counteracted by stress, frustration, the ongoing saga of my complicated interpersonal relationships. Every day I'm trying to balance the desire to engage in activities I enjoy with the responsibility of making myself available to the people in my life who need me. My body is almost constantly on a hair-trigger, waiting for some disaster to strike, big or small. I want to fix everyone's life, including my own.

I am not powerLESS to change this. I am powerFUL. But a part of me refuses to alter the status quo. It is that part that gets the pay-off, that feels a sense of accomplishment at the end of the day, the satisfaction that the mind and the body has done as much as they possibly could to keep everyone and everything, including myself, as happy and running as smoothly as possible. That part, however, doesn't feel what the rest of me feels...frustrated, overwhelmed, lacking, never enough. Not every day, luckily, but too often.

Balance is the constant brass ring.
librarianintx

YES WE DID

Yes we did.

Slightly more than four years ago, I watched Barack Obama make his keynote address at the DNC for John Kerry. I had not heard of him before. After his speech, I stood up in my housemate's bedroom, tears in my eyes and pride in my heart, and declared "That man's going to be president. And I cannot wait!"

Turns out I didn't have to wait that long.

What a great night. Tuesday helped to lessen the pain of eight years ago, the stress of Florida and hanging chads and the Supreme Court decision. Of course I wanted Barack to take Ohio and Pennsylvania and Indiana, but more than anything else, I wanted him to take Florida. Florida was ours eight years ago, then it was stripped away, and I wanted it back. As it turns out, we didn't need Florida, and we didn't find out we had it until after we learned we won the whole country. So I guess for some it was anti-climatic that we took Florida. I was still excited.

We thought it was going to be a late night. But at 10:10 pm Central Time, that magic announcement flashed on our television screen. CJ and I hugged each other and hollered and broke open a bottle of sparkling apple cider for a toast. The phone calling began. The celebrating commenced. I asked CJ how he felt, and he answered simply, "I can breathe again."

to be continued...

good description

"...and the bottom line for me was if I wasn't healthy, everything in my life stopped, including my independence. Making my health my number one focus forced me to ask for what I needed. And do you know what happened? Instead of taking my usual ten steps forward and then twelve steps back, I slowly and steadily advanced by taking baby steps in every area of my life - my health, my finances, my relationships, and particularly my need to be creative."

Amy Elizabeth Alexander, Exceptional Parent magazine contributing editor

Regret

One of our friends' cats passed away two days ago; we got the news yesterday. This passing was especially hard because the cat was friends with our cat (if cats actually can be friends, lol). They played in the courtyard of our former apartment complex together, and they would have "play dates"; they would lay on my bed and nap together. Our friends moved to another state several years ago, so I haven't seen the cat in a long time, but I still feel the loss. And I wonder how our cat felt when our friends moved away. She is a completely indoor cat now, and doesn't have any friends. I don't let any other animals in the house, because I'm concerned she will mark her territory. She is definitely an alpha cat, and I know we could not bring another cat into the apartment to stay.

Whenever anyone in my life passes away, person or animal, I always feel huge amounts of regret, believing that I wasn't good enough or nice enough to them, didn't help them enough or spend enough time with them. I replay in my mind the times that I was hard on them or fought with them or ignored them. I know it will be very difficult when our cat dies. This is my first time to raise a cat, and I have made many mistakes. She is stubborn, as all cats are, and unfortunately she also seems to have a mean streak. Maybe I caused her to develop that, I don't know. But I have been very hard on her sometimes, and she has been hard on me. She has mellowed as she's aged, and we have lovely times together. She sits on my lap sometimes. And she gets in bed with me every night; I fall asleep petting her as she curls up against my leg. CJ and I lovingly tease her about laying in the hallway between our rooms, and standing at the refrigerator door waiting for wet food. We have good times with her. But unfortunately, there has been a lot of bad times as well.

Our friends' cat was six months younger than our cat. Our cat just passed her tenth birthday. I was very busy around the time of her birthday, and have only recently realized that I completely forgot to celebrate her birthday. Ten years is a milestone, and yes, she is *only* a cat, but I still feel I should have done something. She would have liked a toy. If I had sung "Happy Birthday" to her, though, she probably would have bitten me. She hates it when I sing. Can't blame her on that one.

librarianintx

A pioneer in the field

Harriet McBryde Johnson died yesterday:

http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jun/05/harriet_mcbryde_johnson_dies43458/

An example of a life lived fully, in truth, fearlessly. Lawyer, author, speaker, civil and disability rights activitist. Even though I may not have always agreed with her, she was an important voice for our cause.

librarianintx

Sober

No, this post isn't about me "being on the wagon." :-) Actually, I don't drink at all. This is about the song I'm currently addicted to: Kelly Clarkson's "Sober." I'm still addicted to Natasha Beddingfield's "Unwritten" as well, and I also totally love Madonna's "Four Minutes" too.

"Sober"....wow. What emotion in that song! Its one of the reasons I love love love Kelly Kelly Kelly. She was my American Idol before Clay, and I still adore her. I just can't go to her concerts because they are SO LOUD! She's loud, the band is loud, unfortunately its just too much for me. I saw her and Clay together in 2004, and the difference in their sound was pronounced even then. I can only imagine how loud she is now. I don't even need earplugs at a Clay concert, and I really appreciate that. I want my hearing for as long as I can keep it.

Anyway, she might be too loud for me in concert, but I can listen to her songs all day (set at a comfortable level) The passion and the heart and soul that she puts into her music is so amazing; there's no "phoning it in" with Kelly. Its interesting because she comes across in interviews as this bubbly, carefree, chatty, sunny girl, and the majority of her songs are so full of pain, angst, agony, and heartbreak. "Sober" is a song about her surviving a devastating break-up. She starts out with a quiet melody, and the song builds as it goes along. By the end she is screaming. "Three months and I'm still sober....Three months and I’m still breathing...Three months and I still remember it...Three months and I wake up..."

I haven't ever had anyone break up with me, but that doesn't mean I don't resonate with those feelings. I've never been in a real romantic relationship, but I have felt the pain of love lost. I know what its like to wonder how you are still functioning with all the hurt you're carrying.

librarianintx

Fear

I have a severe weather phobia.
I have had it pretty much all my life.
I am so tired of it.

I was born in Florida. The land of daily summer electrical storms. No one else in my family has this phobia. It wasn't passed down to me. I just developed it, and I have not yet been able to overcome it, although some years have been worse than others. It alters my life.

When I was younger, I would get hysterical during a storm. I would run from window to window, screaming. When I was really little, I would hide under my high chair.

In elementary school, I would find excuses not to go outside for recess or P.E. if I thought a storm was coming. One time we were outside for P.E. and the sky started to turn dark. The teacher didn't feel it was necessary to go inside. I asked to go to the restroom. When I got inside, it started pouring. The storm wasn't severe, but my class had to stay under the covered basketball area for what seemed like a long time. They thought it was fun. I was so relieved that I was inside and not trapped outside in the weather.

I live in Texas, so I have been through my share of storms. Apparently I went through an actual tornado when I was about four or five years old, but I don't remember. All the other times have been funnel clouds overhead, or straight line winds. I have never been injured due to weather. I have never been anywhere that sustained damage during severe weather, except for rumors of a few windows breaking in a dorm in graduate school. My roommate's grandfather was killed in a tornado in Illinois. I never met him. Oh, and my sister and brother-in-law's light fixtures in one of their bathrooms fell during a possible tornado in their neighborhood about fifteen years ago. They were not home at the time.

My point is, I have been through quite a few storms in my life, including two hurricanes and a few tropical storms, and nothing has ever happened to me. The probability of something happening to me is really quite small, especially since I'm usually not out in a storm. But the low probability doesn't help my phobia, unfortunately. I'm still scared.

Not much seems to help. I feel like I have tried everything. I am frustrated.

I am not as bad as I could be. I do leave the house on possible bad weather days. I don't hide in the closet all day. But I do check the online weather sites continuously on such days. Actually, I usually start a day or two before the bad weather is predicted. That is one of the most annoying features of my phobia. I can understand being afraid if the weather is imminent, but why do I get so freaked out a day or two beforehand? Sometimes forecasts change, and sometimes storms lose their punch before they even reach my area.

The absolute worst part for me is the fear of being alone during a severe storm. I really just can't do it. I am so much better if I am with someone during a storm. Having people around keeps me calm. Being in a big building where I can't see and hear what's happening is even better. My heart still pounds and I have trouble sitting still and concentrating and eating. But being alone is the worst.

I have improved in some areas. I am no longer afraid of ordinary thunderstorms. I have been able to pinpoint the crux of my fear. I am not really afraid of thunder, lightening, or hail. I am afraid of wind, tornadoes, and the darkness of a severe thunderstorm.

We have a chance of severe thunderstorms tonight. I was already afraid yesterday and am still today. Its only a slight chance, and that does make me feel a little better. I am really really trying to stay calm. I know that fear and anxiety aren't healthy for me. I have been doing so well at lessening my anxiety in other areas, and I am so much happier because of it. I am able to do so much more than I used to be able to. But the weather thing...I just can't seem to get past it. I am able to function, but barely. It definitely takes a toll on me, physically and emotionally. It takes a toll on my relationships as well. I ask the people in my life all the time to "save me" from the storm. I need to learn to save myself.

I have learned that you can't force anxiety to go away; anger and frustation directed at fear only makes the fear more tenacious. You have to allow the anxiety to exist, and that actually takes some of its power away. I am also working on recognizing and then reversing the physical symptoms of the phobia. When I hear the wind start to howl or the sky begin to darken, that is when the heart really starts to pound. So I try to calm myself down. Breathe. Relax. I am going to be okay. I try not to look out the window. I put on earphones or turn the tv up.

I was hoping that writing about it would help. Maybe it has. But I'm still thinking about it. I'm still scared. I'm just so tired of this. Its so useless. Worry is the most useless emotion there is. I keep scouring the Internet, looking for information that's going to help, that's going to make me feel better. I have found some, but not enough. I look to the people in my life to save me. I am running, always running from this fear. Phobias are all about a lack of control. I cannot control the weather. I can only control my reactions to it. If only I could.

librarinintx

Sins, part 2

It took me so long to work on my earlier blog that I had to leave for a party before it was done, and I was afraid I would lose it, so I posted it. Let me see if I can succinctly make my point (yeah, right) :)

My mother was not given adequate information and support. My sister was not given adequate information and support as a sibling of a person with a disability. My sister's husband of now twenty plus years is a healthy, adventurous, fun-loving man with a low tolerance for "whiners and worriers." I endured three very difficult trips to stay with my sister and brother in law when they lived out of state shortly after they were married. Even though life and our relationships have changed over the years, I still refuse to spend even a night at their house because of what transpired more than twenty years ago, even though they have three daughters now and live only about ten minutes from my mother's house. I visit them all the time when I am in town, we are close, but I do not spend the night. I do not give them that much power over me.

Which brings me to the parents of Ashley X. Obviously what that child has endured far and away exceeds anything that I have experienced. That should go without saying. Yet I do not consider her parents to be monsters. I can understand on an intellectual level that they love their child and believe they did what was best for her. What I cannot understand is how doctors, and how society, can believe that what was done to her was okay. Yes, it is the sins of the parents because they are the ones that pushed for all of this. But its also the sins of the doctors who said yes, who not only AGREED to these surgical procedures and medical interventions, but BELIEVED that they were the right course to take. And it is the sins of society, who should step up and say, "This isn't right, this shouldn't be done, this is a child who has a right to her body, a right to keep her female organs, a right to grow to normal height and weight, and instead of stunting her growth and taking out her organs to keep her small and lightweight, let's help these parents, lets give them personal assistants and respite care and teach them how to care for their daughter that will prevent injury to themselves and still allow them to lead as normal a life as possible."

There is good and bad in everyone. We are not one-dimensional beings. We can, and often do, change and grow. My relationship with my family is good now, for the most part. That does not mean that I forget what happened in the past. But I can understand it better now.

librarianintx

Sins of family or society?

I had intended to blog about my milestone birthday, but I'll get to that.

I saw an article online the other day about the Ashley X saga. It was an update of sorts, with the family emailing CNN to let them know that their "pillow angel" is doing well, and they consider all that they had done to their daughter to be both a success and hopefully an example to other families who want similar treatments for their children.

The article outlines the controversy without reaching a definitive conclusion on "rightness" or "wrongness." Interestingly, I had not heard before that one of the doctors who authorized the treatment has committed suicide. A friend of the family says it was not because of the Ashley treament.

I bring this up because as you know if you have read my blog before, I have strong opinions on this subject. But I also bring this up because of a meeting I was at yesterday. I am a member of an advisory board that assists a domestic violence organization with issues relating to persons with disabilities. This domestic violence organization does amazing work period, and their work in the field of disabilities is especially exemplary. They assist individuals who are victims of abuse (spouse, caregiver, attendant, family, or institutional) and they also train service providers and other domestic violence organizations staff on how to effectively assist individuals with disabilities who have disabilities.

In the meeting yesterday we were discussing information provided by participants of a series focus groups on both abusive and healthy relationships. The staff person was outlining a list of abuses that people discussed in the groups. The members of our meeting were shocked and upset by much of what we heard, myself included. However, as the staff person continued talking, I realized with surprise that many of these activities were done to me as a child and teenager. I have never thought of myself as a victim or family members as perpetrators, and I still really can't. And I can definitely say that I what I experienced was very mild compared to what other people with disabilities go through. The fact is, it still happened. And while I am so grateful that I am finally coming to terms with my past and learning to move on from it, I wish I had been able to forge ahead years ago. I have spent way too many years lost in fear, anxiety, and worry.

So which parts of the list did I identify with?
1) threats of being put in a mental institution (due to ongoing phobias)
2) denial of disability
3) denial of possible serious illness
4) lack of nutrition
5) refusal to provide or use assitive devices
6) recklessness when using assistive devices
7) teasing about appearance
8) being labeled lazy or stupid in response to fatigue issues

Yes, this was done by family members. And of course I blame them for their actions. But I know they are not evil, hateful people. My family loves me. What I am realizing now is that they did what they did because of ignorance, not because of ill will. Ignorance and fear and frustration. My mother didn't do what she did because she didn't love me. She did it because she was ill-prepared to be a widow at the age of thirty-six, raising two daughters, one of which has a disability. She did it because even though the extended family tried to provide assistance, she was still faced with big economic and social pressures. She didn't know about services that were available to assist me until I was nearly out of high school.

Update on the "fierce boy"

Yes, I'm sad. Danny got voted out. But I expected it. I had a lot of respect for Chekezie last night, as he unabashedly hugged and comforted a shaking and tearful Danny for much longer than most men would have done. Ryan called him, "One of the most courageous performers we've had on this show," and Danny got to strut his stuff one more time without being played off. I wish he could have at least lasted a few more weeks so he could have made the tour, but it was not to be. I hope good things happen for Danny in the future.

librarianintx

My "fierce boys" of reality tv

Yea Christian from Project Runway!! Here are some comments I made on a message board about him:

I love Christian from Project Runway too; I'm so glad he won. I think he's adorable and I love his "chutzpah." I got all misty eyed when he started crying. I honestly don't think that show is about making clothes for "everyday women." Its about high fashion and coutre (spelling?), and I think most of us would never imagine wearing the clothes these designers create. Items created for the runway are the kinds of things someone like Christian creates: dramatic, intricate, artistic, and yes, over the top. Honestly, I wish he had used more color in his designs. But I thought the two-toned dress at the end was absolutely amazing. And I thought he was spectacular all season. I thought he definitely deserved to win.

It was actually a shock to me that Christian is as popular as he is; I was very surprised that he won the fan favorite award. He looked stunned as well! I thought liking him would put me in the minority (I'm used to that.) I thought his attitude would turn people off. But I've been intrigued all season with the juxtaposition of his "puppy dog" eyes and his "fierceness," how he can be helpful one minute and so caustic the next, and the final episode really got me with his anxiety and tears at the end. I think for all of his brashness and "I'm the best" attitude, I think he was really afraid at the end that he would be runner-up. And I was afraid he would be as well, because my favorite usually does come in second place. :-)

My other "fierce boy" of the moment...Danny Noriega from American Idol. With this one I think I'm definitely in the minority. Many comments on message boards find him annoying, rude, and not a good enough singer. I think he's interesting, funny, and talented...not the best singer in the competition, but definitely not the worst. Again, like Christian, I see a very complex personality. He's got a ton of moxie, and a "devil may care" attitude, but there is a vulnerability in his eyes, if you look beyond the pout and the head snaps. I agree with Randy that he is holding back vocally; he needs to channel some of that uber confidence he displays in his performance to his voice. Usually I am highly irritated when contestants yap back to Simon, but I find Danny and Simon's exchanges highly entertaining. And Danny's wilting "mmm mmm" comment to Ryan about not noticing the purple streaks in his hair was the funniest moment on that show in a long time. On the other end, I got choked up witnessing Danny's tears when the girls were eliminated last week. All for show? Could be. But it got to me.

Usually I really can't stand self-centered, "full of themselves" people. But I think that's the point I'm trying to make. I think Christian and Danny come across that way to a lot of people, but I just don't see them that way. I see them as unique and complex individuals. I also have respect for the fact that they aren't afraid to be themselves. I think because in many ways I fear showing my true self to the world, as I get older I am intrigued by people who put themselves out there and have such personal conviction. I am especially amazed that they are so young. But some would say that is part of their problem; they are impetuous and have no respect for authority. One person on a message board said Danny wouldn't last a day in a recording studio with his attitude. She could be right. I guess all I can say at this point is that I am enjoying watching and seeing what happens next. Christian and Danny definitely live up to my definition of reality tv. They are talented and entertaining. Go boys! Ya'll are FIERCE!

librarianintx

Liars Club

I just find it a sad commentary on life when people feel they have to lie to get what they want. And then when they're caught, they very rarely take responsibility. They usually say, "I wasn't aware," "I didn't realize," "I never meant to mislead," "I didn't understand."

Please.

Two cases currently in the news. Well, actually they're a bit old now. But anyway. I'm not going to provide links because probably by the time I find links they'll be outdated by tomorrow. But the first case is the contestant from "Survivor," the school cafeteria worker. Denise. On the "Survivor" live reunion show, she told the audience that she had been demoted to school janitor when she returned from the show, because she was "too famous." I watched the show. And I felt sorry for her. She painted herself as a hard worker, trying to make ends meet for her husband and kids. She played on the sympathy of the audience and the producers of the show, talking about having to clean toilets, and how the job made her feel emotionally. At every reunion show now, the viewers at home vote to give someone $100,000 as the "fan favorite" of the season. Denise was in the top 3 for the award, but she didn't win. When they returned from commercial, Jeff announced that the series creater, Mark Burnett, was "so touched" by Denise's story that he was writing her a check for $50,000. Denise beamed. The audience cheered. Denise's family looked like they were crying. A Hallmark moment.

Except the story was a lie. Oh, Denise really did become a janitor for the school. But she REQUESTED the job change, BEFORE she left for the show. The janitor job pays more than the lunch lady job. She wasn't demoted. She made the choice to take the job.

Did she really think the truth wouldn't come out? Did she think she could lie on national television, and her employers wouldn't be watching? So the truth came out, and Denise released a statement, saying she "didn't intend to mislead anyone." She also said she was planning to donate the money to charity. Goody for her, but is that supposed to make up for what she did? What kind of example is she setting for her children?

Which is a great segue for story #2. Short and sweet. A little girl wanted to see Hannah Montana in concert. A company was sponsoring an essay contest and the winner won two tickets and a makeover. The little girl wrote the essay about her father, a soldier who had been killed in Iraq.

Yep. Her father was not dead and not in the military. Her mother admitted helping her write the essay. Her excuse. "We didn't know it had to be a true story."

The prize was awarded to another girl. But this child lost a lot more than concert tickets. I can appreciate that the mother wanted to see her daughter's dreams come true. But to make her daughter complicit in any kind of lie, and especially in one of such magnitude....I just feel so badly for that child. I can only imagine what kind of torment she is facing, at school and in her neighborhood.

I guess that's one of the major problems in our society. People act first and think later. They want what they want and they go after it no matter what the consequences. And they don't consider the collateral damage...to their communities...their families...their children.

librarianintx

O Iowa

Its OBAMA time in Iowa!!

I haven't blogged about Obama before? I know I've journaled about him. His speech at the DNC made me stand up in the middle of my roommate's bedroom and applaud. Without a doubt he is the politician of my life. I have never been so interested in seeing someone get elected, although I did stay up until 4 am when Gore "won" in 2000. I would like to get involved in his campaign, and maybe now that I'm feeling better I'll be able to. Last night was quite exciting. I know its "only the Iowa Caucus." There is still a lot of time for anything to happen. But history WAS made last night. And I loved watching it happen. He is such a brilliant speaker. Of course I worry about his inexperience. And to be perfectly honest I have expected more of him from the debates. But like I said, there is still time. He's got huge momentum, and he needs to maintain it. Next stop: New Hampshire!

librarianintx

Another one

I've got one more for ya...

"Remember, Jesus is the reason for the season."

This was sent in an e-card to me from an acquaintance. I'm sure I've mentioned to him more than once that I'm Jewish. But maybe I didn't. Or maybe he didn't care. He was going to get his point across anyway.

If you're confused, read the entry before this one.

librarianintx

Joy to the World

On Thursday of last week I answered a reference call at work, and assisted a very nice man. We discussed his request and I told him about the information I would be sending him. He complimented the program I work for and the friendly staff, and I thanked him for his comments. As is my custom at this time of year, I ended the call by wishing him "Happy Holidays." He thanked me and then cheerily said through the phone line, "Keep the Christ in Christmas!"

This line reserved for clearing my throat.
This line reserved for pulling out my stepstool.
This line reserved for dragging my crippled ass up on my soapbox.

Its very simple really. I am not Christian. But I understand that I live in a Christian society. A melting pot of religions? Or the acceptance of people with no religious beliefs? Please. As if. Yes, we have the FREEDOM in this country to persue whatever religion we choose to, or to refrain from any religious pursuits. And that is certainly very important. But in everyday life, Christianity is pervasive in this country. People just naturally assume that everyone is Christian, and everyone celebrates Christmas. People might occassionally say, "Happy Holidays," like I do. But way more often its "Merry Christmas!" "How is your Christmas shopping going?" "Are you ready for Christmas?" "What are your plans for Christmas?"

I don't want to be rude to people. They are trying to be friendly, conversational. In some cases if its a salesperson talking to me I know they have been mandated by their employers to say "Christmas" rather than "Holiday." Wal-Mart is an example. Wal-Mart, the epitome of American capitalistic society.

Only on a rare occassion, when I've really had enough, do I say, "My Hanukkah was great, thanks." Or "I don't celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Hanukkah." Sometimes when someone says "Merry Christmas" to me, I want to say "Happy Hanukkah" to them. But I usually don't. Because that's my point. I don't celebrate Christmas, and I pretty much figure that they don't celebrate Hanukkah. Two wrongs don't make a right.

In my brain, "Happy Holidays" is the perfect term to use during this time of year. Its inclusionary, not exclusionary. "Holiday" could mean Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, or even the Winter Solistice. Problem solved...in my opinion.

But of course not everyone thinks like me. And why should Christians think like me. They're in the majority. They're running the ship. They are in charge. And for them, any voice of change is not seen as an agent of inclusion, but an agent of destruction. They don't see a shift from "Christmas exclusively" to "Holiday inclusionary," they see a denial of their right to freedom of religion and freedom of speech. People like me are trying to "take away Christmas." That's why there's this "Put the Christ in Christmas" campaign.

I don't think the two sides will ever be able to see each other's viewpoint. I'm not trying to take away Christmas; I am simply trying to make the season a time when everyone feels included. That really is what its all about for me.

Let me just tell you a bit about what its like to be Jewish during Christmas. Door decorating contests at school where Jewish symbols weren't allowed. Art projects that involved making Christmas tree ornaments. My sister and brother-in-law's neighboorhood mandating that everyone line their driveways with Christmas lights and erect Christmas symbols in their front yards (they lined their driveway with blue and white lights, and found a giant star and dreidel somewhere (Home Depot? Garden Ridge?) to put in their yard, after initially refusing to comply with the mandate.) The school Christmas parties. The dorm Christmas parties. The office Christmas parties. The nativity scene in the dorm cafeteria. This is what its like to be Jewish during Christmas. Or for those who celebrate Kwanza. Or for those who do not celebrate any of the three.

I have a couple of close friends who are Christian. And as I've said before I am a big Clay Aiken fan, and he is a devout Christian. I have learned much about the true Christian spirit from these people. They have helped to heal some of my wounds regarding Christianity. My struggle goes much deeper than Christmas, and is a topic for future blogs. My friends understand that I'm not trying to take anything away from them. I'm trying to make room at the table for everyone.

I often feel like an outsider in life. I haven't found a place where I feel like I truly belong. This time of year unfortunately serves to magnify those feelings.

Happy Holidays.
librarianintx

Reality Show

Yes, when I first heard and read about the CBS reality show "Kid Nation," I was pretty shocked. Forty kids left in a desert ghost town for forty days by themselves? C'mon. There were injuries. Parents were claiming they hadn't been fully informed. There was discussion of the show violating child labor laws. On and on. I wasn't going to watch it. I'm all about most reality shows (I do draw the line at the Bachelor and Temptation Island, etc) , but it seemed like this one was really a bad idea.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/

But the producers urged the viewers to give it a try. Watch the first episode, and see if your pre-conceived notions turn out to be unfounded. So I watched the first episode. I missed a few along the way, but I was there for the finale....and I cried during the last thirty minutes of the show. It wasn't the first time I had shed a tear during the run of the show.

Overall I thought it was good. Was it the best show on tv? No. But it was funny. It was exciting. And it was heartwarming. Kind of Survivor meets the Waltons meets the Andy Griffith show. Not that the kids were angels or anything. There was arguing, sometimes a lot. There was near punching a few times. There was even some foul language! They got a little crazy sometimes. They're real kids!

But there were a lot of heartwarming moments. They really pulled together and helped each other. Many of the kids grew up right in front of our eyes. They had to make some tough decisions. When they won a reward, they usually had to choose between two rewards...one was something they needed, like a washing machine or fresh vegetables or clothes, and one was something fun, like pizza or a swimming pool or a giant stereo. In just about every case, they made the decision to go with what they needed over the luxury item. Not everyone was always happy about the decision.

There were big themes in Kid Nation, life stuff that everyone has to deal with at some point in their existence. They had to deal with socioeconomic, cultural, religious, and age differences. They had to exist in a class society, and often had to face the repercussions of people refusing to do their jobs. They had to work in order to earn money, and learned to go without what they wanted when they didn't have the money to buy items. They even had to deal with some issues that most people will never have to face, like killing a chicken if they wanted to eat meat, and repairing an outhouse if they wanted toilet facilities.

At the end of every episode the town council awarded one of the kids a gold star that was worth $20,000. My one regret of the show is that some of my favorite kids never got a gold star. I would have really wanted to see Mike and Laurel get one especially. I was definitely happy that Michael, Sophia, and Morgan each got one, and I think Sophia and Morgan also each won a second one at the end of the show. The three gold stars at the end were worth $50,000 each. In a way, though, maybe its fitting that some of the most deserving kids didn't win a gold star. Sometimes you work hard your whole life, you're a nice, good, deserving person, but you don't get a lot of recognition and nothing big ever happens to you. Such is life sometimes.

I don't know if there will be another Kid Nation show, but I'm glad I watched this one. I think those kids were afforded the opportunity of a lifetime to be involved with the show. I was impressed by the way they handled themselves. I think their parents will be as well.

librarianintx