Making a Decision

Decision making has never been easy for me. 

I struggle.

What is best for me? 

How will others react to the choices I make?

What if my decision makes someone angry, or sad, or disappointed?

What if I lose people because of what I decide to do in a given situation?

How many people should I ask for advice, and what happens when everyone gives me a different answer? Whose voice do I listen to? Mine? Someone else's? And what do I do when Tom is mad at me because I took John's advice instead of his? 

Life is hard. 

I made a difficult decision today. It was not the choice I wanted to make. But I know it is the right one. The safe one. I did not ask for anyone's advice. I weighed the options and even though I struggled, I knew the whole time what choice I needed to make. Even though I didn't want to make it, because it means continued isolation. It means having to say no to something fun and spending time with friends. I value my friends and I don't want to lose them because it's not safe for me to be around them. I have to not let fear of losing them cause me to make a potentially unsafe choice. I have to be strong and do what it best for me and believe that my friendships are secure and enduring and will still be there when the pandemic is over. 

I have waited this long. 

I can hold on for a few more months. 

So even though I feel sad, I also feel confident that I have made the right decision. 

Mostly I feel relieved to finally have reached a conclusion. I don't have to wrestle with myself about it anymore. And I figured it out by myself. 

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